Why The Narcissist Makes It All So Difficult



You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.

You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.

You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.

How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.

We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.

26 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Makes It All So Difficult

  1. Yolo says:

    Comments from a simple man. He insist he’s simple and everyone else is messed up, judgemental, and superficial. Later on in a conversation the masked drop. He’s a lesser, lesser, and lesser. I told him i would no longer text or speak with him. He accused me of being upset and i could hear the change in his voice. I told him in a very calm voice that i would have to value his opinion in order to get upset. Laughed and said I love you with Gods Love.

    [10/3, 5:21 PM] Finding My Life: My life would be unbearable if i took offense or felt criticize very easily.
    [10/3, 5:23 PM] Finding My Life: Love is not a feeling…
    [10/3, 5:24 PM] What is love then?
    [10/3, 5:24 PM] To you
    [10/3, 5:27 PM] Finding My Life: Actions, all actions.
    [10/3, 5:27 PM] Finding My Life: A verb..
    [10/3, 5:30 PM] Finding My Life: We have to act/ respond with logic otherwise we respond emotionally. Thats when it gets complicated.
    [10/3, 5:31 PM] Finding My Life: Not only in an intimate relationship but with everyone we interact with. I tend to be highly emotional know i try to use logic and reasoning.
    [10/3, 5:57 PM] ‪: Love is a feeling
    [10/3, 5:58 PM] ‪: And an action
    [10/3, 5:58 PM] ‪ Through actions you feel the love..
    [10/3, 5:59 PM] Finding My Life: Feelings are temporary and fleeting. To love is to show it because we want always feel it.
    [10/3, 5:59 PM] ‪‬: And as far as being emotional highly.. I am that too.. I tend to get emotional behind the actions or reactions of others.
    [10/3, 6:00 PM] Finding My Life: Not good.
    [10/3, 6:01 PM] : I’m working on that personally with God’s help but sometimes I feel like actions should aleays represent words.
    [10/3, 6:01 PM] Finding My Life: This universe is constantly involving i cant imagine being like that. I would be miserable
    [10/3, 6:01 PM] ‪: Often times they do not from others.
    [10/3, 6:02 PM] ‪: I’m not miserable.
    [10/3, 6:02 PM] ‪: I’m simple
    [10/3, 6:02 PM] Finding My Life: That’s good you can identify and go to Him in prayer
    [10/3, 6:02 PM] ‬: This is only regarding people who claim to know me or relate or gotten to know me.
    [10/3, 6:03 PM] Finding My Life: Ohh
    [10/3, 6:03 PM] ‬: People I do noy know actions do not affect me.
    [10/3, 6:03 PM] Not*
    [10/3, 6:03 PM]: I’m simple.
    [10/3, 6:03 PM] Finding My Life: Ok
    [10/3, 6:04 PM] ‬: If I take time to talk to you..listen to you.. It shows my love of and for you.
    [10/3, 6:04 P If I make time for you regardless of what I have got going on.. It shows my love.
    [10/3, 6:04 PM: If I take care of you when you’re sick.
    [10/3, 6:04 PM] Finding My Life: I guess we see simplicity different. Thats what make us all wonderful our own uniqueness.
    [10/3, 6:04 PM] ‬: If I make a meal for you
    [10/3, 6:05 PM] Those things are simple.
    [10/3, 6:05 PM] Finding My Life: I agree to some extent
    [10/3, 6:05 PM] If I indulge in your interests😊
    [10/3, 6:05 PM] If I care if you are alright
    [10/3, 6:06 PM] Finding My Life: Why would you?
    [10/3, 6:06 PM I ask how is your day
    [10/3, 6:06 PM] How you’re feeling?
    [10/3, 6:06 PM] Want to know your favorite food
    [10/3, 6:06 PM] Favorite scriptures
    [10/3, 6:06 PM]Favorite song
    [10/3, 6:06 PM] Music
    [10/3, 6:07 PM]: This are all simplr indications of love
    [10/3, 6:07 PM] And to answer, it’s because I love you😂😂
    [10/3, 6:07 PM] Finding My Life: That’s good people like to know they are thought of. Very thoughtful of you.
    [10/3, 6:07 PM]: I explain my routine
    [10/3, 6:07 PM] : I tell you my plans. Simple.
    [10/3, 6:07 PM] Finding My Life: Ok
    [10/3, 6:07 PM]Include you in plans
    [10/3, 6:08 PM]‬: I digress
    [10/3, 6:08 PM]: I am simple
    [10/3, 6:08 PM] : I am an emotional person😂
    [10/3, 6:09 PM]When it comes to people I love👌
    [10/3, 6:09 PM]‬: And know.
    [10/3, 6:09 PM] Finding My Life: I’ve witness that,😊
    [10/3, 6:09 PM] ‬: I got to know you and grew to love you
    [10/3, 6:09 PM] Because we are different but similar in some aspects😂
    [10/3, 6:10 PM] Finding My Life: Really, dont you mean like me.
    [10/3, 6:10 PM] Finding My Life: Thats very true. More than you know.
    [10/3, 6:11 PM]: No.. I love you
    [10/3, 6:11 PM] Agape
    [10/3, 6:11 PM] Finding My Life: Yes,
    [10/3, 6:11 PM]: When we have God it has to be that
    [10/3, 6:11 PM] Finding My Life: I can relate to that
    [10/3, 6:12 PM] Love everyone who enters your life..
    [10/3, 6:12 PM] ‪‬: And some people who even if you hurt by then
    [10/3, 6:12 PM] Finding My Life: I do with God’s love.
    [10/3, 6:12 PM] Them
    [10/3, 6:12 PM]But from a distance
    [10/3, 6:13 PM]‬: Love doesn’t hurt that way
    [10/3, 6:13 PM] Finding My Life: Yes, i do. I love them but from a distance

    1. Yolo says:

      BTW, the conversation i left earlier is not from my prior relationship. The narc is someone I’ve known for a few years as a niss. His IPPS left him, poor thing I am sure she was at her wit ends. H.G. mentioned the lazy victim type that doesn’t work. I’d never met one until now. I never asked in past conversations what field he was in. When i said i like this boxer, he claimed to be a boxer. I told him I had work for a well known transportation company in my search to change careers. He said he worked there. Lol, how pathetic. Wait for it , he sent me this so lady’s beware. My opinion was great can i use for dating sites. Lol..Mimic my willingness to assist underserved communities. 😊

      [10/3, 3:25 PM] ‪ I want to hear your opinion on some things I expressed to a friend of mines.
      [10/3, 3:29 PM] ‪Whomever my next is has be a very loving, understanding, God fearing person who has a good mind and heart to help others including the homeless and going to be my first lady when I become a minister and be very sexual with me only faithfully honest compassionate, loyally dedicated to being a better person each day. A living example of love and sacrifice.. The way Love is intended biblically. My rib.. to keep me focused, humble, doing right by God and for others and our relationship. She will be open and bluntly honest. No ego or pride. No shame or embarrassment. Drives me to do better for my health. Doesn’t down me. Supports my dreams and vice versa. A business partner that’s a home body but likes to take mini vacations and never insistent of her way solely. Doesn’t hold back. Someone I can spoil. She gives me hugs and kisses every day. Whether upset or not. We can disagree and still love each other. She’ll pick me up when I’m down she vice versa. Someone who just calls to check in on me. I can do and give all that I’m asking for back. I want in the end a best friend who’ll love me wholly and soulfully without judgement. One who doesn’t make fun of people or down other’s for their differences. Who I can count on for anything with out feeling slighted. Who will go to lengths to please me as much as she realizes I go to lengths to do the same for her.

  2. RJ says:

    Is it factual or speculation that the entity teaching you is an alter ego by design. Makes it easier to learn from examples. Narcissists do not want you to know. See people for what they are and learn. Use your senses. No need to criticize here unless you are looking for fuel.

  3. analise13 says:

    I understand that last sentence.
    It helps with healing and removing selfish blame.

  4. Lisa says:

    The penny drops. Why didnt I see that before? So tht tHiNg HAD to. Not chose to. Big difference HUGE difference. Thanks HG!!

  5. IJ says:

    When I was younger, before I even had labels or names for what he is, or had even begun to understand it, I used to write and draw pictures, trying to describe the overwhelmingly confusing feelings. Amazing how accurate they were, given that I didn’t have the words. “Tornadoes’ were an often recurring theme. One of your post’s graphics showed a real bear and a teddybear. That one is a shard in my heart, too.

  6. Joey says:

    You have stated several times that Narcissists thrive on drama because it is a source of fuel. I have to wonder if the overcompensating for power to feed this emptiness in nothing more than having no real self esteem at all. I also wonder, as your writings have indicated to me, you are a master manipulator and quite dangerous, what keeps you from physically hurting another, sexually assaulting another, or even taking the life of another. There’s no empathy from you, and such a fine line it would be to cross from mentally and emotionally assaulting one, to physically assaulting. Perhaps that’s the reason you were coerced into counseling. Perhaps you are a bigger danger than you’re willing to admit. I certainly don’t respect you for sharing your insider views, I suspect that it does give you fuel for your ego, although you claim it does not. I could agree with you it is certainly not the same fuel you would get from a primary, but it is fuel nonetheless. Out of all my curiosities though, I wonder what you hope to accomplish. Recovery? The very nature of being a narcissist prevents recovery. I can’t say I wish you well either, knowing that you gain great satisfaction from hurting people. I am indifferent to the outcome of your happiness and health, but I am still curious. Perhaps that’s why I read your redundant, fluffed up, pseudo intellectual writings. There’s even more than what your offering. You still wear that mask.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have physically hurt other people, I have killed which I have confirmed previously. I have never said this does not give me fuel, what I have stated (and consistently so) is that I do not do this for fuel because my fuel needs are met in my private life. I do gain some fuel from the blog but it is of a low potency because it comes from tertiary sources – I have always stated that to be the case.
      I have also repeatedly stated what I intend to get from this, so you may wish to extend your reading of my “fluffed up, redundant, pseudo intellectual writings” so you find the answer. Indeed, if you had done so before jumping to your erroneous conclusions you would have already have obtained the answers and therefore your post was, in fact, entirely redundant.

      1. Lisa says:

        Ahhhh sorry Joey, but HG’s response did make me smile…..

      2. ???!! says:

        You’ve killed? Did you kill a person? Somehow I’ve never read that on this blog.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See the Youtube Livestream.

      3. Sniglet says:

        Have you apologised to the victims’ families (assuming the victims were humans)? How did they respond? Would you be able to post a link and the minutes on the video where you discussed that topic, please?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Sniglet, no I did not apologise. The subjects deserved what happened and I did humanity a considerable favour. I don’t have the exact time it was mentioned in the live stream to hand and would need to listen through it to find it. Much as I like to hear myself speak I do not have the time so you will have to dig it out. It is contained in the live stream from July (the earlier one) which is in two parts and is in the second part if I recall correctly.

      4. Joey says:

        You assume I’ve taken time to read through all your pompous drivel. How cute.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I know you will have done. Thank you for your meaningful contribution.

    2. NarcAngel says:


      I know that you must be new because it has been explained many times how he arrived at doing this work and his aims in doing so. They are not charitable. He has never claimed to be less than dangerous and does not require respect or well wishes in payment for providing the information.

      The information is here to take or to leave. Simple as that and entirely up to each of us. Curiosity is a good thing and you wouldn’t want it to get the best of you so please do enjoy your visits and I look forward to your thoughts and posts in future.

    3. Joey says:

      Classic narc reply. Thank you 🙂

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome.

    4. Yolo says:


      Thanks for reading and sharing your true feelings. Continue reading. H.G. thanks for allowing his and others comments are in opposition come through.


  7. Patricia J says:

    I once called my Narc and stated “Did I get you at a bad time”.? I never heard the end of that. He went off over a month about it. Then he did it to me for the next month. Like a child.

    1. Scout says:

      Correct Patricia J, they remain children all their lives. They don’t have the emotional intellect to grow into mentally stable adults. Sad creatures, aren’t they?

  8. Tappan Zee says:

    Welcome to the shit show.
    A Fun House of Horrors.
    The total bitch slap tho.
    WE r drama queens.
    So I was told.

  9. Rhyming Fun says:

    No kidding?

  10. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Drama, drama, drama ….. every …..single ….. bloody …. day! How can one person have so much drama in one’s life! I’m sure my friend made it up as he went along! Of course, it was always about him .. naturally! Everyone’s against him … boo hoo !
    Gave me a headache!
    In the end, I told him to “build a bridge and get over it” and stop whinging and complaining.
    I guess that didn’t go down well…. haha
    No wonder he has no friends!
    He’s probably dancing around an open fire each night, performing a war dance against me or hibernating in his cave, thinking of ways to attack! Good luck!
    Another brilliant article!

  11. Darcy says:

    Wow…. this explains so much, its unreal

  12. -K says:

    This answers why, when I ended it (saying that we are just not happy together) he looked at me and said, “I’m happy” with the way things are.” That comment always bewildered me because I could not understand how someone could act-that-way and still be happy.

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