A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 9

A LETTER TOTHENARCISSIST-AW'SLETTER.jpg

Disappointed in your fury.  All the words in between your introduction right down to the end, all coming to a head in just your last sentence.

I overstand.  I really do.  I too am disappointed that through all this you weren’t able to allow for the truth of what was manifesting between us.  You claim to have done this before.  You claim that I am yet just another in your cycle, no different then the last.  Knowing ahead of time that you will end it for us yet again in having to hurt.  Me.  But you hurt yourself in the process too.  Never forget that. Only because you try so hard to resist.

Mirroring each other, yes we were.  I knew that from the second that I met you.  The whole package I was for you, you told me.  Male version of myself was my reply.  None of that a mirage.  None of that a construct.

Haven’t you always been told that you are different?  So have I.  Haven’t you always been told that you are a little weird?  So have I.  Haven’t you always been told that you are unique?  So have I.  Haven’t you noticed that the day to day mundane entanglements with regular mortals is just too infuriating to swallow?  So have I.

Until I met you.

Maybe I’m a dreamer.  Maybe I’m a witch as you say.  But I am a believer in love.  And yes, I do allow my vulnerabilities to glow.  I welcomed that delicious mind blowing feeling when you melted chest to chest with me, and I could feel your essence releasing itself.  The release of what you guarded so tightly inside.  I felt your pain.  I felt your angst.  I felt your desire.  I felt your struggle.  I felt your bewilderment at almost losing control.  I felt it all.  Was it my feelings I was feeling I had asked myself so many times?  Very overwhelming.  But I endured it, and I oh so wanted for it to happen again.  And it did.  Because I felt your love too.  Swallow.   Sometimes we didn’t even have to touch, and it still happened.  Too many times to deny it’s existence.

Scary shit.

Yes they were my feelings too.  And you drew them out of me.  Or maybe, I drew them out of you.

You want my mind, body and soul, fuck that!  You told me.

I am your mind, body, and soul.  Was my reply.

You can’t trust love.  Neither can I.

But with you I had thought that maybe I could learn to.

Keep writing.  Keep writing.
And I will too.

We are getting somewhere.

I think.

Yours,

Like. The Flu.

41 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 9

  1. Antifragile says:

    I absolutely love this letter!… Coming back to enjoy it again and again. I feel that all.

    And probably can relate to described feelings most of all letters…
    There was also some “witchy” strange things in my experience.

    I believe author met the Greater.

    1. S says:

      Hello Antifragile,
      Thanks for you comments. I’m curious to hear more as to your experience given you seem to resonate with mine.
      Also why do you feel that my ‘N’ is a greater?
      AW

  2. Overthinker says:

    I get this letter and the person writing it and why commenters think there are Narc traits, as I have been concerned I have them … The imagery, the Dreamcatcher, the sage stick … This writer is a true empath, dreamer, a believer, open, kind, non judging, was a believer that love cures all. My belief is that Narcs and Empaths aren’t opposites … They are miles apart but closer than you think in some of their actions 1 o’clock and 11 o’clock … 10 or 2 spaces away … Intimacy on all levels between the 2 can be amazing… The Narc’s guard can slip and they feel it and trust even… However, it terrifies them and all the crap starts (over and over again in my case) … We believe in the person, they can be healed, helped, troubled soul, love and patience etc… Fuel in their eyes… Our trait is we accept the Hoover as this time it may be different, they have realised our worth, what we have to offer. Until our burn out, then the frustration, disappointment, anger and hurt more fuel… When discard or escape we question ourselves and the relationship, and our path in life (overthinker by name and nature). Was any of it real and are we as fucked up as the Narc to believe there is a different way … x x

    1. Kim michaud says:

      Brilliantly stated I too have thought I was a narc on many occasions and your description of this dynamic is spot on

  3. Merripen says:

    Hello Caroline, good job on going No Contact! That’s the hardest part, and you’ve already done it! Keep reading HG’s writings, because they’re the antidote for what you are suffering. Use this time to put cold logic and understanding between you and the narc. You’ll begin to find that “meh” replaces “one last time”. I’m glad you’re here 🙂

    1. Caroline says:

      Thank you so much for your encouragement, Merripen (sorry if this is a double-post – I’m having weird tech issues).

      Each day it seems better… but I do dread hearing from him, so I will take your COLD LOGIC emphasis into my mind.

      I am so glad I am here too… and look forward to feeling “meh.”

  4. sygmaw says:

    Thanks to all of you for your beautiful and even raw comments. Writing this letter and having it put “out there” has left me feeling sooooo much better. I think you can all relate to how powerful this blog is in allowing us to share and draw from each other’s experiences. It’s helped me heal and move forward just knowing I’m not alone.
    High five to everyone!
    Thanks HG for allowing all this to happen and keeping it real.
    A big friggin hug to you!! Don’t resist! 🙂
    AW

  5. Diva says:

    “We are getting somewhere.”……..yes he or she will allow you to believe that you are getting somewhere, but the final destination won’t be where you really want to go. I say this with a personal insight and a deep understanding for the contents of this correspondence……a narc will always be a narc and the outcome will always be the same…….sooner or later…….I wish it could be different but after reading this blog, I now don’t believe that will ever be so……..Diva

  6. Caroline says:

    This letter seems like it was written by a Super Empath to me… someone maintaining vulnerability as to who they are – getting hurt, but not being bitter, but disappointed instead – someone who seems like they would be extra strong because they know who they are – and not put up with abuse/move on when they see the truth that it wasn’t a solid emotional connection for the narcissist (maybe also feel they were “The One” who could break through that narcissist’s Wall and fix things…but feel sad they did, perhaps, connect for a bit – but ultimately, it just couldn’t last).

    It also seems like the narcissist would be very attracted to this person/supply, but that the narcissist would battle themselves… in that, this person (the Super Empath) would be the biggest, most challenging-to-get fuel — but also somewhat of a threat to the narcissist.

    Or I could be projecting (lol) because I just read HG’s post on Super Empath, and I realize I am one. It was a “Holy crap!” moment. I have learned so much from HG and all those commenting on this blog. Thank you!

    I now know I was entangled with a narcissist for six months, and am NC. I couldn’t figure out why I feel pretty peaceful about this decision, instead of being in angst (not saying I don’t feel the pain though), but it made sense when I read HG’s Super Empath post. When I realized I was dealing with a narcissist, I initially felt perturbed for awhile at all the trickery that went on, but I am now feeling super grateful I woke up – and am feeling pretty sorry for the narcissist (which I am balancing with remembering the unhealthiness I did feel, more and more, when engaging with him). Although I do feel pity for him, it is not enough to continue to be insidiously emotionally abused! Plus, I got so bored from his lack of emotional reciprocity. Seriously. So bored. It began to feel I was dealing with a robot. That feeling led to my investigating online, especially about the Silent Treatment… and more “Holy Crap!” moments.

    I’m hanging around here with you caring, informed people because I KNOW if the narcissist ever comes back, it will be the “I need your help” type of thing that will make my palms sweaty, like maybe, just maybe, I can truly help…and I don’t want to get ensnared. Well, it’s actually more that I don’t want to feel a ton of guilt at refusing him.

    So hanging out with the informed wise, so that if this happens, you can yell at me (CAROLINE) to get a grip on my guilt/impulse to help “one last time.” Yes, YELL at me then. Thanks in advance.

    1. Yolo says:

      Sweet Caroline,

      It’s so much easier if we don’t get completely involved and can identify early on. No need to feel sorry for the narc. They have no desire to change or fake it especially if we aren’t intimate. I pushed this lesser he resisted, tried to maintain the facade. He pulled a short term silent treatment.

      His masked drop slowly but surely. I question most of his lies boy did he release the fury. Funny, he was seeking negative fuel, I gave him nil. He commented, ” I knew you were going to get upset and take offense “. I responded no…i am only offended by those whom opinion I value. I am a NISS, he’s has no impulse control

      Robot exactly.

      1. Caroline says:

        Thanks so much, Yolo…
        I’m realizing more and more that playing on my guilt is how he kept hooking me in, so I have more work to do on myself. And of course, that guilt thing has played out in other relationships as well. It’s just that the narcissist was so much better at insidiously tapping into that. (cue “Games People Play”… on second thought, that song is too fun and peppy – cue some dark Phantom of the Opera music instead).

        I was in a NISS role too… but this was an ex BF from many years ago (who drew me in for support in a personal crisis, that I now question was even the case!), so maybe that affects my “designation.” It was so shocking and painful for me to see the light, but once I did, it changed everything.

      2. Caroline says:

        Yolo,
        Ugh, I’m posting all screwy… so this will come as two posts to you.

        I love your reply to your narc! Well done! And it makes me realize I have MORE work to do. I can’t envision myself saying that… which I realize means I’m still overly concerned with his feelings. This is also why I overlooked a bunch of weird silent treatments.

        Learning, still learning.

  7. Mona says:

    Yes, HG, no letter will ever reach your kind`s soul. That is probably what you want to show.

  8. Pam Bergner says:

    Hi, HG,
    I have questions for you!!
    Do you dream–or remember your dreams? I have read and heard comments that assert some narcissist abuse survivors don’t believe that narcissists dream.

    If this is true with you,that you do not dream (or remember your dreams,), well, have you ever had, or considered having,an overnight sleep study? It would be beneficial to determine how much REM sleep you get per night, or whether you in fact you move into REM sleep at all.

    If a sleep study reveals you don’t have much time in REM sleep,or not have any time at all spent in REM sleep, you may be suffering from sleep deprivation. Perhaps you have been suffering from sleep deprivation for so long, in fact, that you may not even realize it.

    I have learned about what is called the PNEI system. This means psycho-neuro-endocrine-immunological system, which is physiological. In our bodies. It is literally that apparatus which connects the mind to the body in the mind-body connection.

    Well, perhaps you have blocks in your energy system as manifested by, or activated with the help of, the PNEI system.

    This leads me to my, next question. Have you ever considered having a type of holistic healing available using Plant Medicine, specifically, drinking ayahuasca?

    Ayahuasca treatment is a traditional form of healing which combines physical healing as well as spiritual healing. Although not practiced within our “traditional pharmacological and bodily intervention s, ” this has been used for centuries by shamans in other cultures.

    It unblocks repressed emotions, manifested by absorbing barbs. Specifically, the long-ago Barbara that were inflicted upon you by your narcissist and or otherwise toxic parental figures.

    Please, please consider these two paths, within the ‘long and winding’ walk you are taking, which just maybe–just may be–leading you home, into your very own heart, your very own arms, your very own home.

    My love, HG,

    Pam

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Pam,

      1. I do not dream or if I do I never remember.
      2. I have not considered it. I do not consider that I am sleep deprived.
      3. No, I have not considered drinking ayahuasca. It has been mentioned before. It does not appeal to me.

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi pam…your post interested me in two parts one you mentioned REM sleep and i just finished watching an episode on the new series “slmething is killing me” where individuals are afflicted with a not well known genetic disease thyve named fatal familiaral insomnia. The individual looks like theyre sleeping but never enter the healing phase of REM sleep. Once the disease is triggered they only last a few months. Theyre still doing much research on it to figure out why proteins in the section of the brain bend and in turn bend other proteins causing brain damage.
      Second part you mentioned ayahuasca which sounds fascinating ill have to look into it. Ive heard of shamans helping to rid the body of negative energies.

    3. Twilight says:

      Pam

      Have you used Ayahuasca?

  9. narc affair says:

    This letter touched me bc i seen a bit of myself in it as i have with many of the other letters. We all have narcissistic traits but that doesnt mean we have npd.
    Ive always felt my whole life different from others and this is where when id find that certain friend id latch on with both hands instead of loving who i was and being ok with me and not relying on someone else to be my other “half”. That is where codependancy will nab you and reel you in. As a result of needing this other half ive given up my boundaries and my sense of self to hang on and then the fear of losing them causes great anxiety. Let go and be you without needing that other person to make you feel ok with yourself.
    I loved how this letter was so raw and personal. This is such a great way to express ourselves. Ty for sharing 💓

    1. Miss Swain says:

      Narc affair…I identify completely x

    2. NL02 says:

      So heartfelt and lovely. You sound like you have a building sense of confidence and belief in yourself. I, personally, think that key opens and closes all doors. 🙂

    3. Merripen says:

      narc affair, you’ve expressed so well the place we have been stuck in and the place we are moving towards. So many lessons to learn.

  10. NL02 says:

    A flu that one can’t help but keep catching time and again. Is learning about self and other through both control and loss an art only Greaters can refine? I could be mistaken in my assumptions. Narcissists seem to delight in taking daring chances with my emotions. Feelings are so transient, fluctuating, and experimental. Narcissists seem to find it hard to resist in every shape and form. They revel in it, both the pain and the pleasure. As unique and rare as a shooting star on a course of collision with planet earth. Evil at its finest.

  11. Noname says:

    I like your letter, AW.

    I see, that both of you were very close to real intimacy. Not because he wanted it also, but because you were capable to break his “wall”, even not asking for his permission. He sensed it and was scared to death.

    It is all about to give the control (even for a short period) to another person. In that case, you have to have enough level of trust, that that control wouldn’t be used against you. Like you said (and I agree with you), it is a “scary shit” and your man didn’t want to deal with it. Reasons? They really don’t matter. He didn’t want it and dot. It wasn’t your fault also.

    Move on and be happy, AW. Life is good!

  12. kimmichaud1 says:

    interesting every letter is so different and unique demonstrating different layers of this dynamic

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Absolutely Kimmi and that is one of the purposes of the series.

  13. Miss Swain says:

    This is such a moving and heartfelt letter. The deep, yet painful connection you shared with the N is palpable. Two lost souls seeking solace in each other. I felt this with the N too and my heart goes out to you..xx

  14. analise13 says:

    I could have writen these words, with some minor exceptions.
    Wow! AW. I can relate.
    The words were so similar throughout mirroring my feelings and things we had said to each other.
    The love, the doubt and questions of why.
    Only difference is it seems this writer still may want to be with the Narcissist.
    Or hopes for a different outcome one day.

    A wonderful letter AW.

    HG, was the writer entangled with a Greater Narcissist, as it seems there was awareness of behaviour?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My observations on the letter Analise will be provided at a future time.

      1. analise13 says:

        I look forward to all your analysis, HG.

      2. Yolo says:

        Thank you for your consideration before responding. There’s so many aspects in this letter and I respect your decision not to expand on it now.

  15. Erin says:

    This was, strangely, the most unsettling for me. Perhaps because it felt like the most “toxic” current situation. I wonder if and how it resonates for the others.

  16. Salome says:

    Dear Twilight

    Your words:
    “Hello Salome
    I apologise if have made you uncomfortable.”

    Don’t worry!

    Just…
    Try to apologise less.
    Especially to the Narcs.
    When we DON’T say sorry it can bring us some kind of power.
    It works for me, I hope it can work for you too.

    XOXO
    Salome

    1. Twilight says:

      Hello Salome

      I appreciate your advice

      People IMO seem to believe if one apologise they are weak or like you stated hand their power over. I care if I make another uncomfortable, it is never my intentions.
      It is when I apologise for things I didn’t do that changes things, that is when I am taking ownership of an emotion that is not mine and giving power to another.

      I am usually very specific on what I am apologizing for, and with HG I respect him, I do not recall ever apologizing to another here or in my real life

  17. Lisa says:

    Wow. How intense. Mind blowing and soul destructing. I felt every word of this letter. Not because its familiar to my story. No. But because it is quite the opposite. Well done AW. Well done!

  18. Salome says:

    Is AW an Empath?
    What kind?

  19. Paula Sarno says:

    I really don ‘ t like this letter . Anyone is entitled to feel its own emotions . But narc don’ t love anyone ever . Do you really believe that you can touch , feel , what is no there? There is no heart , there no soul , it’ s only our riflection …..

  20. Sniglet says:

    It appears that the writer of the letter hints (indirectly or perhaps unknowingly) at having narcissistic traits.

    1. kimmichaud1 says:

      I got the idea this person might be a narc as well or close to it

      1. analise13 says:

        Kimmichaud1, I wondered if two narcissists as well.
        Based on the first sentence. Whose fury?
        But I did not want to mistake self assuredness for narcissism.
        The writer seemed certain of what they felt in the relationship.
        I understand that as mine made me feel that he felt as I did for him.
        I believed him too.

  21. Tappan Zee says:

    NO SHIT: SCARY SHIT

    I am your mind, body, and soul.

    I adore these letters. Grossly. But they touch the pain in places nothing else does. Thankyou for sharing it AW. And thankyou for providing the platform HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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