Poll – What Causes Your Susceptibility To Narcissists?
The majority of those who are ensnared by our kind are so ensnared owing to particular inherent susceptibilities which we rely on and instinctively exploit. Based on what you have learned about yourself and your own engagements with our kind, what do you think are your susceptibilities?
Perhaps you now realise that you are chasing the ‘storm’ which you experienced during your formative years and at an unconscious level you are wanting to find that in those you engage with as an adult? It might be that you cannot but want to help the troubled and tortured souls which present themselves to you, that you find you are drawn to the challenge of such individuals. It might be that you just though lightning would not strike twice and that having been ensnared once it just could not happen again and thus your defences were lowered. Maybe you find our kind so exciting, ‘spicy’ and invigorating that everything else which is healthy feels dull by comparison?
Perhaps you find you are always struggling to accept the truth of what we are, that you believe we can find and give love, that we are wanting to and can change even though this is not the case? Or is it that you recognise your own narcissistic traits play a part in that you want those narcissists who reach the top of the tree because you feel you deserve success in various forms which some narcissists achieve? Alternatively, you may recognise that you are poor at establishing boundaries and despite your best intentions you just end up being steamrollered by our kind and drawn into a relationship or is it that being with narcissists is all you have ever known? Perhaps you always struggle to spot our kind until it is too late or that you identify potential problems but you always give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt until it is too late?
You can choose as many options are as applicable before casting your vote.
As ever, do expand on your experiences in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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It’s all I’ve ever known (realized by reading here), and excitement (damn it…)
Based on what I’ve learned here, I was susceptible to your kind based on my own narc traits, poor recognition, and storm chasing.
I wasn’t being true to self. I was wearing my on mask for so many years. After the psychopath, I attempted to turn my life around. Forgive and move on. I guess was putting all my past hurt, and abuse in my back pocket. I have read some bloggers state they new earlier on in life. I knew what appeared to be happy or unhappy. I saw dad as being more of provide and protector. But, I never connected with my mom. Dad was abusive towards her physically as I grew older and they divorced. We stayed with dad and I viewed her as bad.
Later we moved with mom, she always had a boyfriend. (Countless) I resented her for just leaving and moving on with new men.
My first boyfriend who I now know is a narc confirmed love as I known it to be. I followed him like a sheep. He was admired by most and of course I was lucky to have him. I would stand behind him for hours while he played those stupid video games. Everyone knew I was his girl until I wasn’t. 😊 After, a physical altercation over the love of my life we called it off.( Vague) One evening friends and I were walking home from our soft ball game and there he was. I walked by him like he was a brick wall. He came behind me and pushed me so hard to the cement because I ignored him. Fast forwarded 30 years later ( recently) after numerous offers of friends to contact him I never responded. My codependent sister ran into him. Omg, she begged me to call him. I decided I would call, ” it’s about time I have been trying to contact you for years”. Me: Really I didn’t know what to say after all you push me the last time I saw you. I’d seen from a distance a few times before I moved from area.
His response was you lucky you weren’t a guy, they way you disrespected me. Mouth wide open.😐 I found HG a few months afterwards and I was back and forth with the lesser. Tons of future faking, trying to impress me with his past real estate investments. So quick to compare and criticize my exercise routine, foods, work everything. One weekend he came to stay and brought his daughter and fiancee never mentioned until they were almost here. I know this is long and I could blame it on the last 4 relationships but to be honest I’ve attracted your type from the very beginning of dating. If you have gotten this far, surprise we never consummated the relationship. That’s for another post. 😊
Or is it that you recognise your own narcissistic traits play a part in that you want those narcissists who reach the top of the tree because you feel you deserve success in various forms which some narcissists achieve.
What if I feel I don’t “deserve” it but do want it and feel crippled by upbringing, your type, et al and thus yes it’s all I know. But it’s more like: paralyzed alone. Brought to life by “you” or at least not frozen. I know I am smart, capable, etc. But the “success at life” trait was stripped at birth. Gone. I don’t feel I can survive let alone thrive. Where your cavern of “no shame, guilt or empathy” is my cavern is “full” of (read: void) how to live. It’s like narc up or die. I HAVE NEVER worked this out before. But from birth I’ve had a death instinct (not wish). Kept from what all “others” had. The ability to live. Chose. Go, Stay, Win, Lose. I HAVE NO CLUE. It’s like I didn’t draw that straw and I am (only now) profusely aware how much it hurts, how incapable I feel as how narcs (that I didn’t know were narcs) got dealt the Aces and I have the 2s. I don’t want Aces or to be them. I just want to fold my hand. I don’t want a new hand either. Exhausted and no clue how to play. Zero desire. I am am scared. Knowledge is power. It is also painful. And terrifying.
My susceptibility to Narcissists is as follows:
1. I project my honesty, decency and kindness onto others.
2. I don’t listen to my gut instincts.
3. I am too polite.
4. I give people the benefit of the doubt.
5. I love people and I love helping them.
I was hurt because I didn’t practice the above with wisdom and discernment. I have since done so. I am stronger because of my experience with the narcissist. Thank you HG for helping me in my trajectory.
You are welcome Elise.
Chasing the storm, all I’ve ever (mostly) known, and “excitement” making “healthy” seem dull. My father was emotionally abusive. Sometimes physically, but mostly mentally – he would make me get the belt he was going to hit me with. Getting it was worse than the hitting… I don’t think he was a Narc but I’m not sure. He might have been just a garden variety asshole. My Mom is bubbly and engaging with others, but had zero warmth or nurturing with me. The prominent emotion I felt from her was resentment. I grew up thinking relationships were to be that you find someone you can tolerate and make the best of it.
I have been with (I think) 3 Narc’s over the years. The first was my biggest undoing and is still the one who has hooks in me. I’ve had a couple of “normal” relationships. It always ends up seeming flat or dull eventually. I get a “hit” of N1 and part of me comes alive. It is animalistic and feels like what I imagine drug addiction to be like. That is messed up. I am realizing that. Maybe I am continually trying to procure the love and acceptance I never got from my father. IDK. Part of me has always been aware of the Narc dynamic and I know that I am catnip to them (need to figure out which kind of N’s to guard more effectively). But I am also drawn to them like a magnet. For all of the reasons HG states about wanting the answers. On a base level, I knew earlier, but have only recently really started to understand all of this, through this site. I’m starting to recognize and identify them sooner though! And starting to listen to my internal alarms. So thank you for that, HG. But I still struggle with wanting to understand and figure them out instead of running away.
All I’ve ever known until 18 months ago. I’ve shed many toxic relationships since finding HG.
I selected a few but struggled with the last – it’s all I’ve ever known.
I don’t know if my father is a narcissist. He certainly has many qualities and when I think of it too long (like right now) I shut off and decide I can think more about it another time. It makes me sad that maybe he is. Why? Because I love him dearly and always will, even if he is difficult and miserable and has always somehow managed to make me feel less. So sad. I feel very exposed even writing this.
He was a excellent provider, a lot of fun at times, he’s taught me so much and has a amazing “good” side too.
I grew up seeing a man be a emotional roller coaster. Learning that moods just happen, and people can make you feel bad or pick fights for no reason and you just somehow let it roll off your back. That life with a significant other can be shit, but you don’t just give up. I grew up aware of emotional issues or situations no child should have to see and try to understand.
But I love him, and he loves me even though I don’t think we’ve said that word since I was maybe 8 years old.
I chose excitement and a willing to fix but i would have said my confidence and money because i worked hard. My independance not needing a man in my life i was having way to much fun
Complete and utter ignorance. Supreme naivety. Immaturity and disbelief that people might not be all good in their intentions.
Having all boundaries trampled over and made non existent as a child by my controling, over bearing mother. Not having been taught about relationships with the opposite sex.
Many things contribute to not being able to understand and learn from my numerous run-ins with narcissistic men.
Wanting to be loved as much as I love and therefore being taken in by their seductive nature, because really I believed they loved me (yes, quite naive, all my live). I feel I’ve wasted much time in chasing dead ends.
I loved the way he really wanted me for my intelligence lol … Hmm not that intelligent clearly. Hg I get comfort from your words.
Another great poll and a very crucial one in avoiding being ensnared in the future but work must be done to fix those suseptabilities.
I chose: desire to fix and heal, excitement, poor boundaries and truth denial.
Looking back i can see where my cracks were a low self esteem, depression over a flawed marriage and a very poor sense of who i was and my boundaries.
Ive lived for years in a marriage that lacked crucial components and i lied to myself that it didnt matter but it did. As a result when the two narcs came into my life at different times i fell for their attention and build up thru lovebombing. It was like a ray of light warming me after being frozen for so long. It felt so good and gave me a hugh injection of excitement and validation as a woman. It made me come alive. Over time this golden period really built up my sense of who i was thru the narcississt. It wasnt long till i seen glimpses of who they really were and then came the truth denial. I didnt want to give up how i felt and go back to that dead existence. I wanted to keep feeling alive and wanted. The mere thought of going back to just existing was not an option i had to turn a blind eye and keep enjoying the benefits. I gave up a lot of my weak boundaries to be able to hang onto my second narc. Hes exciting and makes me feel wonderful. Hes become my number one confidant and friend. The pricetag is never trusting him fully and not being my true self and knowing he would respect my beliefs and boundaries. Another price is constant anxiety over fear of losing him and guilt of what im doing.
He seen my cracks so clearly from the start and filled them in so nicely. Hes brought up these cracks in a very covert way to remind me that they still exist and hes the reason ive not had to face them. He knows his power and he used my weaknesses to infiltrate my life and entrap me. Once you know what youre dealing with though the only person entrapping is ourselves bc we dont want to put in the work to fix those weak areas and let go. The letting go is so very difficult but it was so easy to let the narc in and takeover.
I forgot to mention fix and heal.. even now knowing what ive learned here i have to be careful to not be too empathetic to the reasons why hes a narc. Thats his life and not my responsibility to fix. I can be compassionate but still have boundaries and protect myself. Ive felt in the past the need to try and figure my narc out and help him feel better about his childhood. This was my way of “changing him”. That wasnt my job but yet i kept probing to learn about his past and discuss it. Then when devaluation reared i was so hurt why someone i poured my heart into and tried to help could hurt me. Its bc the only person who can fix him is himself and it wasnt my job to fix or change him. Quite often i think why we want to fix and heal is to a) change them or b) avoid having to change ourselves. Its much easier to work on someone else.
Excitement, definitely. “Healthy” relationships bore me. I lose interest very quickly and drift away. Nevertheless, I attempted to have them for the past couple months. Slowly, day by day, my motivation and life essence was draining out of me. It was taking everything I had to keep up my pleasant demeanor. And I failed a few times. Between the crushing lack of motivation and worry that I might say something I’d regret (and have it immortalized in writing to boot), I couldn’t even comment on this site.
So obviously I had to discontinue the exercise for the sake of my health and sanity. I’m feeling a lot better now. 🙂
But I have no idea what THAT experience was or means. Is that what everybody goes through and I just needed to push through to get to the other, happier side? Or does it mean that something is seriously wrong? Because from what I’ve read here, it seems that “withdrawal” is supposed to start off feeling like hell, and gradually get better, not the other way around. 🙁
June
I think it depends on how you felt before you left. If being there was hell, then leaving will be like leaving hell.
That’s what I thought. It wouldn’t be quite accurate to say it was like hell, but I was fed up in a lot of ways. And with my other relationships outside my family…well, they wouldn’t fit the model of normal and healthy either, and I thought any change should be done completely or not done at all.
But what happened…if it wasn’t ME I was talking about, I’d probably conclude it looked like a fading narcissist cut off from fuel. So logically this either demonstrates that I’m sometimes too quick to classify people as narcissists or I might have a problem.
I mean, there’s no fracking way my father, the man who beheaded my pet chickens because I only got my mother’s permission to get them and not his (after waiting 1 1/2 years for me to get attached), is empathetic. No way in hell unless we redefine the word. But what if I have similar tendencies? If so, I’d like to know and be better than the multitude of narcissists who are too delusional and/or too stupid to ever figure it out.
Then again, you’ve mentioned that you knowingly engage in mutually beneficial relationships with narcissists, and you’re one of the most empathetic people on this site. So if you went No Contact and had only what society classifies as normal relationships with what society classifies as normal people, would you feel half-dead and empty and increasingly irritable as well? If so, what do you think is the root cause of that?
And thanks for replying Windstorm.
I love your name, June.
Gullible. I couldn’t/wouldn’t believe that someone could pretend to feel the things he said he felt. I held onto his words even when his actions didn’t match. I’d tell my best friend, “if you saw him with me, you’d see it. You’d give him the benefit of the doubt too.”
Poor boundaries. I excused some of the behavior because I wasn’t perfect. I ignored every red flag. Maybe I liked the challenge. Maybe I wanted to be the one to fix him. He felt like home, storm chasing? He was “my type.” I wasn’t using my head.
I apologise for my first sentence, I react like a geyser to the expression: “that is a fact.”. You know, that narcs often use this expression to hide their lies but in this case you meant something else on which we both agree. Yes, there are people without boundaries. We should be exact nevertheless. There are people too who have boundaries ,which are trampled over and over again until these people realise that it is intent not no awareness or something else. That has nothing to do with “Poor boundaries.” It is the belief in goodness of people which hinders them to see the truth.
Mona, ‘Poor boundary’ to me equals ‘No means Yes or Maybe, even when you delivered a No’. ‘Strong boundary’ equals ‘No means No and your actions match your No answer’. Simple. More often than not when I say No to anybody (and I say it with ease) it is because I have thought about different scenarios before they even happen and my decision is made long before the answer is delivered unless a certain variable somehow changes the situation. I noticed that people soften and crumble when a No is needed, especially in front of friends. I do the opposite, when someone expects a Yes from me because that is the polite thing to do, I will deliver a No if that is what the circumstances require and I have to admit I like the reaction of shock I receive from co-workers, friends, family, strangers. Of course it is done diplomatically. When that does not work then they will know in no uncertain terms where I stand. A strong boundary is easy to maintain when you don’t depend on anybody and have no obligation to anybody. No?
I’m not sure… It’s all I have ever known and poor boundaries maybe…
Knowing who I am would help me to answer this question. I’m not as empathic as many here.
They chase me ( not other way round) and I am drawn to them because of particular traits they poses which I am attracted to and find appealing.For some reason I let them take the control and do things which I would not allow anyone else which eventually makes me feel bad. It’s destructive but somehow natural.
I voted Poor boundaries and Storm chasing.
I thought I was healed by rationality that accompanies adulthood. He was also lucky. I was inadvertently looking the other way when he strode sleek and beautifully feathered into my life.
Truth be told once it began I knew in an instant. I remained trapped by my own self betrayal.
I should have and did know better……..some adages hold true.
I would end you all if I had the time.
A sincere token for the strategy I gleaned from your writing.
Regards, E
You are welcome.
It was the first time, that I had a relationship with a male narc. But I was used that my boundaries did not exist for a narcissistic mother and narcissistic female friends. I am not sure about the (narcissistic?) female friends, because all of us were told and shown by my mother that it is o.k to treat me bad until we all believed it. The female friends could have been normal with some narcissistic traits and had been manipulated by my mother. I do not know and I do not want to know. I broke those friendships.
I had no right to have own boundaries, although I tried to create them all life long. What a senseless fight. It is not possible around narcissistic people. Through the narc`s extremely bad behaviour I woke up. At first I really found it sympathetically, that he was so similar to my mother. The (little) contradictions, the little ups and downs of his mood, all of them were so familiar. I hoped that he has not the other character traits of my mother which bothered me a lot. But he was as funny as my mother was in her best years. The difference between them: he is willfully evil and she is evil because of her lack of empathy and her lack of boundaries. I have had boundaries but my garden fences could not withstand the bulldozers. Now I have tanks in my garden. But if she digs a tunnel they do not help. Your kind breaks natural boundaries, you want to conquer and destroy. It is you not me.
“Poor boundaries” is still some kind of victim blaming.
I disagree. Some people do have poor boundaries – that is a fact. Whether you have strong or poor boundaries, we will look to trample over them nevertheless and for some of our kind, it is too much effort with those who have strong boundaries. If I labelled all those who sought to assert boundaries as having poor boundaries because we overcome them, that would be victim blaming.
HG, you do not decide, what a fact is (typical narc speech)besides you mean “alternative facts”.
Of course there are people who have no boundaries at all naturally – but I talked about me and I had boundaries. I do not know where the term “Poor boundaries” comes from, but I allow myself the opinion, that there are too many psychologists who blame the victim too and defend the aggressor. There should be another term for “Poor boundaries” You see, I even criticise the holy psychology.
I do not know a better term for it right now. If I find a better one, I will tell you. But this term is victim blaming.
No. Some people are very good at asserting their boundaries, some are reasonably good, some are poor at doing so and some are very poor. One can see that that is the case. Describing somebody as poor at asserting and maintaining their boundaries is not victim blaming. The phrase ‘poor boundaries’ is a description – simple as that.
One may disagree as to whether somebody is poor at maintaining their boundaries, in the same way as one may disagree as to whether somebody is a good athlete – there will be some subjectivity in the process. However, leaving that aside, if somebody is not good at asserting themselves, they allow people to take advantage of them and their resources, then that amounts to having poor boundaries. It is not stigmatising somebody.
Hello HG,
“If I labelled all those who sought to assert boundaries as having poor boundaries because we overcome them, that would be victim blaming.”
I am glad that you do not have an all-or-nothing way of thinking, like people with an NPD are supposed to have.
Unfortunately, some authors like to blame the victim saying that she does not have any boundaries at all, even when this is not the case. Yes, many targets of narcissists have poor boundaries but not all of them. I have noticed that some narcissists (especially the malignant ones) are more cunning and persistent than others when it comes to step over other people people’s boundaries.
Hi mona…i think its down to self love and respect as well as sense of self. If you know what you want in your life and how you should be treated then your boundaries will be built of steel bc youll not give someone the time of day that goes against this. You may at first but once they attempt to devalue and infringe on your boundaries or beliefs its out the door amigo! We hold the power to allow who we want jn our lives.
Agreed
I agree with all of you about the content/substance but I do not like the word “poor”. Perhaps it is because the word “poor” has a negative meaning in my home country. It is often connected with the meaning of being less intelligent, less useful, less successful. The word poor is used to downgrade another one. It has a negative and devaluing meaning in my country. Therefore the term “Poor boundaries” is misleading in my eyes. If the word “poor” is used different in your countries, I have to take back my criticism.
Poor has a negative meaning here also and therefore remains entirely accurate with regard to what is being described.
Mona,
In this case, 17 % of poshers as of today can identify with poor boundaries.
I love data driven stats.😊Numbers don’t lie, people may skew them but they are consistent.
Hi Mona,
“Poor boundaries” means weak, not strong enough. I believe everybody has boundaries and they may go from poor to strong in different areas of our lives. For example, there are people with strong boundaries at work and with friends and acquaintances but they have poor boundaries when they interact with their partners or with their families, like those who can say No to almost everybody except to their parents and they let them take advantage of them.
My boundaries become weak when I am ill or physically and mentally exhausted.
I can relate to what you wrote about your narcissistic mother and your female friends and I am sorry about that. I know what it is like to be smeared. You do have boundaries, Mona. You were able to protect yourself by removing yourself from them. I liked your example about your garden fence (“my garden fences could not withstand the bulldozers. Now I have tanks in my garden. But if she digs a tunnel they do not help…”) This is true. Vindictive narcissists do not respect other people’s boundaries and will do anything to destroy them. It is not our fault but it does not mean that we have to give up and not have boundaries at all because Normals and benign narcissists will give up more easily than others when we draw the line and malignant narcissists may succeed breaking some but not all of them.
Maybe it falls under “poor boundaries” or “excitement,” but the main thing that made me susceptible is vulnerability to the lovebombing.
By mistake I have touched “Lightning……”
The others was OK:
1.Poor boundaries (My best friend told me I have no filter)
2.Exitement (Kind of artistic exitement. I have composed a few songs for him. Music and text, in 3 languages.)
3.My own narcissistics traits (I suppose..)
Excitement! One of my Narcs was a public figure and lived an “exciting” life and was admired by a lot of “fans” (at least that is what I thought – afterwards I wasn’t so sure about that anymore). I thought I could participate and felt flattered that he chose me. He was a real real monster behind closed doors. Unbelievable. Of course I will never make the same mistake again after I have learned what can lurk behind an “exciting life”.
I have only been in one intimate relationship with a narcissist. So I cannot say why I was drawn to one other than my ignorance of what one was and his duping me. My need to want to heal and fix, but more so my need to understand as an empath, why he treated me badly. I guess my inability to set boundaries and my denial, or better yet my understanding of how futile a healthy relationship with a Narc could be, is what kept me trying. Nothing I did was ever good enough, constant nitpicking and put-downs, blame shifting, him not taking any accountability for his actions and trying to make me feel like I was being unreasonable and accusing me of causing drama. Horrible. I put up with it on and off for 2 and a half years, with me leaving him each of the three times. Been no contact for 6 months. Peace is priceless!
Knowing what I know now it makes me wonder if my tolerance of being mistreated comes from my upbringing. My mother was very controlling and manipulative but I wouldn’t call her a narcissist. She definitely had leaned more toward the narc personality traits on the Spectrum, compared to empath, but without all the mindfuckery.
Change %. Divide by voters numbers
To elaborate I would say for myself these are the reasons for my susceptibility…
I shine brightly: I just can’t fucking help it. I do, I shine like the sun blazing down upon all those around me. My smile, my laugh, my authenticity… all just a giant target to attract you.
Potential: I see it… the potential in many people, but you are something different. You are a chameleon and so, I see your potential to be (anything) but more so, what I want from you and for us.
Tolerance: this I have and great deal of. To tolerate the pain, the highs and the lows… and the even lower. I will not be broken although you try so very hard… but I am so tolerant because I will let you show your hand. I will watch you dig your own grave as a researcher observes, I will observe you.
I want to know what makes you tick. I want to learn how you operate. To a degree… I sacrifice a bit of myself because I always put a little heart into everything I do, but it is worth it.
You are my natural enemy… my overflowing light and love will always captivate you like a moth to a flame.
Thank you for expanding Rachel.
You are welcome and thank you for your candor about narcissistic ways.
Emotionally unavailable men are a challenge. It inflated my own ego when I have been told they never loved anyone as much as me. Now I’m the one with egg on my face.
An honest admission Shannon. ’emotionally unavailable’ is invariably a euphemism which relates to something worse.
Storm chasing…LOL at the “chasing” part. My mid range frequently said to me “I am like the dragon you keep chasing”….I know HG says they have no idea what they are but seriously the shit my mid range has said makes me wonder otherwise.
Desire to heal. I always felt like I could make him happy but he’d rather be with his wife and put me on and off the shelf I guess.
Excitement. Oh holy hell most definitely. The chemistry I felt (even if it was all fake) was ridiculous and physically my body could not deny it. I was drawn to him in every since. A constant desire to become one physically with him. He is like a drug and it is sickening yet intoxicating at the same time. I am sure ya’ll know what I am talking about!
Truth Denial. Yup. 8 days until I see him. I know I am playing with fire here. There are times (akin to flickers of a lightening storm) where it seems he is not really a narc. Truth denial is such a mind fuck.
Gbean
MAYBE 8 days until you see him….My family of narcs are all big gamblers. They’d be placing bets on whether he’d actually show and maybe even if he’d show and bring a woman with him. I understand your need to know, Gabrielle, but your hope really worries me. You’d be a lot better off if you could be more unemotional and have no expectations. But whatever happens, we’ll all be here for you 9 days from now. ❤️
WS,
Would you say you’ve inherited parts of that trait? Let’s call it intuition😊
G.B. good luck..from your pasts posts chances of him actually showing maybe 20% unlike WS, I will get and odds or for you physical and mental health. If he doesn’t show know that you won. Sorta, until the next time.
poverty, wanting to be a stay at home mom, not liking my job
Excitement and benefit of the doubt; however I really don’t give people benefit of the doubt anymore so I’m sticking with excitement.
PS.Have I mentioned that Narcs are the best lovers?
M
It always makes me laugh whenever someone says this! All I’ll say is NOT ALL OF THEM!!!!
Hi Windstorm…i think youd mentioned your exnarc was a lawyer? Possibly a cerebral? I think a lot of the inadequate lovers are either lessers that are so focused on what they want instead of their game or cerebrals that have zero interest in being good lovers. Of course its also personality as well.
My narc is an incredible lover but…as a result of the intermittent devaluation and the knowledge ive gained its no longer as good to me. The magic is gone for me in the way i used to feel about our intimacy.
NarcAffair
Yes, he’s a lawyer and definitely a cerebral. I think you’re probably correct. He didn’t care. May never have really even thought about it. Also since he was just 17 when we got engaged, he hadn’t had time to get the experience to be any good. Once we were married – what was the point?
Windstorm 2, I believe you, but my best lovers were Narcs, so I guess it is the Narcs I choose.Or the lovers I choose.
Im yet to find one WS. All been rubbish in that area.
I so agree with you. My last relationship and he was a narc. was a horrible lay. Not all narcs. are fantastic in bed.
Yes and No.
My was a lazy arse lover until i taught him everything lol
Just had my first private consultation with HG. Wow! Absolutely outstanding! HG is simply the best! So much insight, validation, understanding, encouragement! HG is brutally honest and straightforward but kind in his delivery! I cannot recommend him highly enough! If you have been thinking about it, do it, don’t delay! You will be glad you did! I am looking forward to my next one! Thanks so much, HG!!!
You are welcome.
Being a Empath.
I have been thinking about it for a long time. I don’t know what’s keeping me from doing it.
One night, some months ago, while reading Little Acons, I suddenly realised my stepfather (who thank God is dead now, after having destroyed my mother and -partially- me)was a narcissist. I was totally shocked, but it helped me see that all these years I am looking for the narcissist that will adore me and change forever-become a good person, for my eyes only. It is not that I like to fix or heal others, I just think that my being in their life is enough for them to magically change (I am being sarcastic here). So, it is a sort of Storm Chasing. And, since I always thought that I can only fall in love with someone who is like me, like looking myself in the mirror(opposites attract?Biggest lie ever), I guess it is also My Own Narcissistic Traits that have lead me to so many narcs. Traits , most of which I have realised in here. Not to mention that, before this blog, I had no idea that at least 6 or 7 of my men were narcissists. I owe my truth to HG, even if it is not so adorable. But I’ve had enough with the fairytales.
After going deep with therapy. I realized at a very young age that my father was dangerous and my mother was helpless and wouldn’t help me get away from this danger so I aligned with my narcissistic father and sided with him. Even help him abuse my mother. To me it was survival. I thought I would die if I didn’t line up with my narcissistic father. I repeated that pattern because deep down I think I will die without a narcissist. Freeing that memory is going to set me free and also some consultations with you HG. You’ve helped more than you know
Indeed they will and you are welcome.
‘ I repeated that pattern because deep down I think I will die without a narcissist. ‘ That is how I felt, that I would die without them. Now I realize it was an old and deep belief from childhood. Thank you for articulating this.
Carol
I never thought I’d die without one, but I was raised to think I was inept and weak. I thought I needed one to do the difficult things and be my interface with the world at large. What I learned over time, of course, is that he was basically useless because
1. He was so lazy
2. He didn’t care
3. He lived in his own version of reality where nothing he didn’t want to do needed to be done or fixed.
4. He picked me so I would be the one to do all those things he didn’t want to fool with (home and car maintenance, shopping, bill paying, children…)
Sly, sly, sly man you, Tudor 🙃
But OK, I’ll give you the answer. Lol.
I’m susceptible to:
1. Disharmony. I sense and see it in people, even when they try to hide it. I know where the disharmony leads to, so you might say, I can “see” their future. Sometimes, it is pretty painful to “see” it.
2. Sincere and honest desire to recover (harmonization). It is not easy to deceive me, so I’m not susceptible to liars no matter how “sincerely” they sound, look or ask for help. The recovery is a long, hard, and complex process, and if I don’t see any (or false) desire to recover, I don’t waste my time on that person. But if I see it, if I genuinely like the person, I’ll help.
I guess, that all falls into “Desire to heal and fix” category.
It does.
With both the tHiNg and the Con Man it was poor recognition and benefit of doubt. Only because I didnt listen to my intuition at the time. The many red flags came later in a more obvious way.
I put those feelings down to nerves of a new date potential. Too easily I brushed my intuition off and then gave benefit of the doubt. Even after WEEKS of getting to know them first. What an idiot I was. So….now its a case of twice bitten, thrice na na na na naa.
The intensity of the golden period leaves anything else standing. The physical addiction to each other etc…… i fear i will seek that out now but with less emotion knowing its not who they really are……. ahhh to learn the art of control. Its never gonna work is it ! Pffftt !
It is all I have ever known. Most of my life has been spent with pathological narcissists, until now. How sad is that. I am being hoovered as I write this comment. Must be a fuel crisis for my MMRN.
Storm chasing definitely.
I grew up that way and in a raw sense that’s my truest picture of how love should be. I have been in more healthy relationships though before I met my narcissist and they always left me wanting, missing something vital that I now can put a word to. Drama. Or rather abuse.
Excitement for sure.
I find the assertive, powerful, cultured and intellectual kind of man quite irresistible and I do like the dynamics of some power play.
Boundaries.
As a result of my early years I lost sense of some of my integrity and I learned to be what was desired of me, to accept the unacceptable.
My fear of abandonment after my mother gave up on me as a child has affected every facet of my life. I am eternally searching for one person to not abandon me. How can I ensure that I never find that? Get involved with a narc. The one who promises that I will never be subject to that , but subjects me to that. I am 3 for 3 as far as narcs go. This last one is a terror and I still live with him, in fact, he came out of his silent treatment to want sex from me …and we aren’t even together. I need a scrub brush and a shower after that. I have been cheapened and taken advantage of.
I felt sad reading this,Ltningstrike. Do not allow anyone to make you feel cheap. Use a mental scrub brush and throw anyone who doesn’t respect you out of your life and away from your skin-like a dead cell.
I am as well. I am a malfunctioning toaster. And he seized the opportunity to kick me to see if he could get me to work his way. Alas, I am cheapened .. and sick over my lack of intestinal fortitude.
Ltningstrike
You can never really lose your value. Feeling cheapened is just a consequence of what you’ve gone thru. And intestinal fortitude is like any strength, you can build it up thru practice and by using it.
I chose everything except the belief that lightning doesn’t strike twice. Thanks to you and others I have only recently come to awareness of these dynamics and my part in it. I am 74. Both parents are narcs and much of the extended family. This is what I know and am gradually coming to understand. Narcs are my vibe. Not a cognitive process.
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Storm chasing.
Poor boundaries. Actually, no boundaries…. I grew up in house of emotional horrors. Mentally ill mom, narc dad. Narc sis and brother. The emotional and mental abuse was horrific. It’s all I’ve ever known. So, no wonder I recreated this chaos with narc after narc. It was comfortable and felt just like home…. I didn’t know what a narc was til June. Now, I know. Am healing the initial wounds and setting terrific boundaries. I have a few friends who were once ensnared and also read HG’s blog et al. It’s fun to get together and talk about people we either work with or out in our community and figure out if they’re narcs. We’ve discovered quite a few…
I’ve learned so much from you HG. Through your teachings, I’m acquiring a new, authentic life. Thank you.
Peaceful.
You are welcome.
Excitement for me is rather intensity. I’m high strung, intense & “too much” for most people with my introspective & inquisitive nature.
I revel in my ability to dig deep to find solutions for myself & others. Apparently I was counsel for my parents from a very early age.
Like others have mentioned, I find a level of acceptance with narcissists that normies & empaths do not have. N’s seem the greatest of listeners. My innate desire to start again & be reparented through a relationship is what lands me in the narc’s arms to begin with as it plays right into their nature.
Both parents were of strong narcissistic ilk. Their families (parents mostly) were psychologically damaging. My father’s side less so than my mother’s. This means that each person (until recently) that I have attracted (or found me attractive) was/is a narcissist.
This is the first time in my life being aware that there’s a great probability I will be alone the rest of my life as I cannot trust my ability to maintain appropriate boundaries that subsequently would nurture a healthy relationship.
The insights I have learned through many articles and writings by HG have given me the ability to simply walk away from the most recent narcissist without being drawn back in. I saw the red flags, heeded them, & got out before major damage could be implemented. 2 months as opposed to 4 years is significant progress 🙂
You really believe you’ll be alone your whole life? Just speak up enough to the original sources and the result will teach you the opposite of how you were “trained” to begin with! 🙂
I have no idea! Remarkable stupidity? I never thought I would be susceptible! Poor recognition I suppose. I didn’t even realise it was a thing.
Unfortunately I am not quite sure the truest of the answers for me is actually present…Or maybe it’s a mingling of different answers…
I’ve always been attracted to intelligence, wisdom and culture.
The form of narcissist that always was most dangerous for me is the charismatic, erudite type who can engage me in interesting conversations. It’s not really about excitement…So much as finding the person I am talking to fascinating. That’s why, with the right boundaries, I don’t mind spending time with certain narcissists. I have the fuel if they have the wit and entertainment 🙂
I like to feel like I’ve learned something or I’ve become “better/wiser” for spending time with that person.
Lesser narcissists and covert martyr narcissists I have little time for, however, because they have seldom the roast to match their smoke.
Excitement would be the closest option.
At the beginning of our relationship I did not see any of it. I didn’t even know what a narc was well actually I thought a narc was someone who spent excessive amounts of time looking in the mirror and grooming themselves, period. So no it never entered my mind for a second he was a narc. I honestly thought I was entering a normal healthy relationship. It’s only now after the fact I see these things that made me vulnerable but at the time the word narc was not even in my vocabulary.
Kind of like it ?
I have a little bit of everything but the most important factor is that I was born in a family full of NPD and therefore have had poor boundaries and been chasing the storm at an unconscious level.
Poor boundaries, benefit of the doubt, poor recognition, lightning doesn’t strike twice.
In group therapy i met a man. Out of all 30 of us, he talks only to me. Why me? He is v kind, understanding, a good listener, seems empathic, etc. And he is v handsome and goes to the gym regularly. I did not even think that he is a narc. Now i’m slowly realizing he may be, thx to hg. I guess i’m a narc magnet. He texted me the other day ‘i’m feeling this connection w you this fast.’ 🤦🏻♀️
I have to admit i find him v sexy. Now what?
No contact.
Thx hg.
H.T., I so agree. No contact with this guy or you will pay for it greatly. I have found for myself if i get a feeling and idea that someone i am associating with appears to be a narcissist/sociopath or i made a mistake in judgement, which is my fault, i dismiss them and proceed to no contact. Any kind of attention gives them fuel and a sence of power. I refuse to inflate their self esteem and confidence. They don’t need me to meet their needs when they can easily get it from someone else. I am empty of fuel.
Thank u peppi for ur comment.
Jenna
Don’t do it
Listen to HG
You have come so far from when you first got here, and you are sparkling!!!!!
Twilight, ty v much. I guess i know i won’t do it because my sig. other is trying to improve himself, some days less than others, but i am still appreciative of it, and that makes a huge difference for sure.
Hi jenna…that line he texted you is so classic narc in lovebomb mode or at least it really looks that way. Moving things along at warp speed…narc red flag.
Narcaffair, i realized after knowing him for about 1 month, that he’s a narc, thx to hg. That is why his line abt feeling connected almost made me laugh.
Jenna. Dangerous. I had to read this many times. Since usually I skip to the end:) For fucks sake it’s group therapy. TheRAPEy. So many ways this can go wrong. Best case? He’s a benign nut job. For you to “fix” yada yada. Worst and more likely? HUNTING FOR PREY. Will use every inch of your vulnerability to slit your throat. Watch you die on the vine. Literally or metaphorically. GTFO.
Tz, i enjoyed ur comment. 😝
But in all fairness, he was there for depression, so he’s not really a ‘nut job.’ Also, i don’t think he was deliberately looking for prey, because his doc recommended that he participate, so he simply obliged.
But when he did find prey, i guess he took advantage of that.
I was friendly w everyone in the grp, welcoming newcomers, wishing farewell to those who r leaving, joking w the grp counsellors etc. He, on the other hand, was very quiet. He talked to nobody except me.
We had to go around the table, and state 3 traits abt other individuals. When my turn came, he said i was 1)intelligent, 2)friendly, 3)i don’t remember the last one. Maybe he liked these qualities.
Rn, having the knowledge frm hg’s books and blog, i am just having a bit of fun w the texts i guess. He did ask if we can meet, but i keep stalling. Soon, i will tell him it’s not a good idea.
Once, during text, i told him he is strong because of everything he’s been thru. His reply: i have other strengths too 😉
My heart started racing lol. He’s a gorgeous man, kind, understanding, sensitive, sweet, but i will resist, knowing what he is.
Further in the convo:
Him: (talking abt his daughter)
Me: she sounds sweet. What is her name?
Him: (insert name)
Me: that is a beautiful name
Him: not as beautiful as u are 🤦🏻♀️
(mirroring?)
Dw, i’m not emotionally invested in him so i won’t take this any further. I find it fascinating to be able to recognize the behaviors becoz w my ex narc, i was not able to do so since i didn’t know what narcissism is at the time. I fell so very hard for ex, but not this time. Lightning will not strike twice. ⚡️⚡️⚡️❌❌❌
See how your emotional thinking is making excuses? That is how you become ensnared.
Hg, seriously this emotional thinking does not leave me.
When he texted ‘i have other strengths too 😉’ my mind started feeling curious and i felt enticed. I wanted to reply ‘so what kind of strengths are u talking about?’
Instead i diluted the situation and replied ‘lol’ 😂
I saw my Narc the other day. He now knows I think he is narc via a third party. He has had to give up the pictures that he was using as hold over me…but when we actually parted ways the terms where good I still thought of him as a friend and defended him above myself, husband and business. As his NISS with a potential of becoming an ISS (I knew none of this at the time, enlightened by HG!!) seeing him caused more of a reaction than I imagined it would. I had to give way to him on the road, he made no eye contact but looked hell’s fire angry. My immediate feeling was ‘oh god he hates me’ ‘what did I do, I had to protect myself surely he understands that?’. I don’t know what I expected, I guess not to feel anything at all. I’m kinda gutted and shaken that I did. But sympathy was still in there, as was concern and panic that he’s displeased. I always thought I was strong….until I became someone’s co-dependent. The feminist in me is shaking her head and stamping her feet!
Well I went with excitement and all I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t have chosen those words, though. I’m not that fond of “excitement.” I like intelligence, logic, good conversation, openmindedness and tolerance. I find that more often from narcs. They accept me without trying to change me – maybe because they don’t care – but they accept me just the same.
I understand narcs and am comfortable around them since I’ve been around them all my life. They are not, however, “all I’ve ever known.” I know quite a few empaths of different types, many of which are narc victims. I am less comfortable around empaths than narcs, however. Empaths too often want to “fix” me. Normals creep me out. They don’t have enough empathy or confidence. They’re just wrong.
Windstorm2,
Super Empath here — but not thinking I need to “fix” you! 🙂 I seem to mainly feel I need to fix others when they land on my doorstep saying, “Please help me!” Or they look so incredibly miserable that I ask if they need help.
Something you wrote here made me pause, and I’m just curious on what you mean. In reference to narcs, you said, “They accept me without trying to change me”…
I see them as trying to change others. I see them as trying to suck the energy out of people – “diminish” others – lower self esteem to maneuver their way to get you to say/do things you wouldn’t feel good about. For me, that would chip away inside me, until I put a stop to it. I think there has to be a weakness/blind spot there to begin with, but they work at changing your mindset. I get you don’t necessarily feel that way… just wondering how it feels different to you.
My narc slowly, insidiously made me feel I could not “clear things up”/get more info when something confused me, so please consider this question to you as part of my own therapy. 🙂 I don’t want you to feel irritated that I asked — so I am asking anyway, to get over that feeling!
BTW, I can totally relate to your liking the intense connection/mental stimulation a narc can provide. My narc was like that, at first. It does draw me in too.
Caroline
I’ll try to answer your question as I understand it. First of all, i don’t have any new narcs. All of mine I’ve had at least 40 years (except my two sons, they’re not that old – 32 & 34). I always knew what my narcs were, there was no real deception (although I didn’t realize my mother was a narc until this blog. I just thought she was a hateful jerk).
Consequently I’ve had a looong time to work out strategies for dealing with them. They all put me thru various levels of hell over the years, particularly my husband of 30 years, that I still am friends with.
Yes they try to suck fuel and it’s taken me many years to teach them that if they try to suck negative fuel from me, I will just cut them off for a period of my choosing (my sons had a particularly hard time internalizing that fact). For the most part they are greaters and have enough sense to realize that a certain and reliable font of positive fuel is worth holding onto.
Like I said, I enjoy their company. I know what they like and enjoy providing positive fuel whenever I can. I also enjoy providing other benefits, like a traveling companion, dinner companion, movie companion, loan of a vehicle, etc. I even have one who calls me to do energy rites with her.
But ALWAYS I protect myself. I moved 40 miles away from all my family narcs and do not hesitate to retreat to my oasis of peace and tranquility when needed. While I do enjoy them, I do not need them. I think that’s the key. I have learned over time how to stay emotionally uninvolved and view all of them and their behavior dispassionately.
Thank you for sharing this, Windstorm. I get where you are coming from, and how that would work okay for you with your boundaries. You also expressed all this in a real non-defensive way, and I admire how you communicated it. I learned from it…and it also further emphasized to me that when I started to be a NISS six months ago for my ex BF who was in “crisis” (which he maybe faked), I was in way over my head! I didn’t know he was a narc until recently (fast-tracked education, lol), but the intense, chaotic, painful relationship I had with him back when I was 18 is all making sense, finally. And NC is the ONLY way with him! Even with what I now know (and it does help a ton/feel empowered and much more equipped), he will just never stop with me. Oh sure, he wants to be my friend…what were you thinking, Caroline? (I guess like a Super Empath).
You’re welcome, Caroline. 😊
Hi Windstorm 2, Just a question to ask and i am trying to understand your comment, Why do you choose to have friendships with narcs.? I don’t understand the attraction to be around someone that is unstable in every which way possible and has nothing to offer in regard to true and loving friendship.
I chose benefit of the doubt.
But, really The options in the poll do not apply to myself.
I am not sure what caused my suspectibility. That one time.
He always told me:
I made him feel good (he made me doubt)
I was loyal (he cheated)
I was beautiful ( we looked good together)
I am trustworthy (he lied to me)
I am loving, non judgemental and giving.
My innate traits. I suppose made me suspectible.
Plus, my belief in love and my own trusting nature.
These are parts of me I will not change.
I just need to adjust how I see others.
To see beneath any deceptions and facades.