A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 10


You have been outed by H.G. Tudor.  Yes, you fooled me for 42 years.  I thought most of your behavior was caused by the fact that you are a recovering alcoholic even though you have not had a drink in over 30 years.  At times, I thought you were also a sex addict, but now I know you are an alcoholic narcissist.

HG has opened my eyes.  I could not understand why you would devalue me to be with a “recovering” bipolar drug addict that has used heroin, meth, and any other form of mood altering drug available.  She has also had sex, according to you, with quite a few other men even though she is married and has two teenage children.  I understand the attraction since she is very attractive and 40 years younger than yourself, but I guess you were just desperate since your older IPSS had died suddenly one month before you found your druggie girlfriend.  (I am sure you were seeing the older IPSS before you ever met me.  That is why you wanted to keep the fact that we were getting married quiet until after the ceremony. And I doubt you ever stopped seeing her even after she brought a gun to our house after our daughter found nude pictures of her in your work shed.)

When I met you, you had 3 ex-wives, a car, a child, and a child support payment.  At least you did have a job.  You probably kept the job because all of the little people working under you who gave you fuel.

What I do not understand is how you were able to be tolerable for almost 40 years before you met your newest IPSS?  This woman may also be a lesser narcissist based on some of the behavior you have described.  Maybe you have met your match, as you seem to jump when she says “jump”.  I understand that you do not want your friends in your 12 step program to know what you and your druggie have been doing for the past 2.5 years.  You would not want them to know about the nude pictures she sends you or what you really do when you meet to “discuss the 12 step program”.

I am your “constant”, and I doubt you will leave.  My current goals are to keep my sanity, be able to sleep at night, protect my assets, and outlive you so I can have my life back.

Yes, I have made a few good decisions.  The first one was to keep my finances separate from yours when you were still drinking.  You hate that, I know, because you complain about it often.  The second good decision was to only have one child, even though you wanted more.  I put that child through college by myself.  I know, you say I could not have done it if you had not helped pay part of the expenses like health insurance, but I have paid more than my share over the years.

Now I know you wanted children for all the wrong reasons.  Too bad you have so little interest in them, but you have plenty of time to message and talk on the phone with your druggie girlfriend.

You should be ashamed  for using a 12 step program as an excuse to be involved with this person.    I am sure there have been others, like one of your former employees who “talks trash” about you and transferred out of your department after you “helped her get sober”.  You also were asked to leave you job because your last secretary accused you of “sexual harassment” after you tried to “help her get sober” even though she did not want to stop drinking.  While I was working two jobs, you were driving around with her and hiding Viagra under your car seat.

Now, I understand why you kept going to your first wife’s house even though you could not stand her.

I know you lie to me all of the time.  Do you think I would lie to you to survive?

14 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 10

  1. blondie says:

    Wow! Just wow, I thought I got the long term con record. 38 1/2 years total. At least you made some good decisions. I’m just glad to be alive and free.
    You are strong! I wish the best for you, and I don’t mean to sound like I am making light of your situation, but I’m glad to see I’m in good company. I bet you and I were the mask of respectability they wished to show to the world.

  2. kimmichaud1 says:

    I like this letter a lot but I can’t explain why I love the fact she’s not in denial about what’s going on

  3. Lou says:

    I found this letter interesting because for a long time I thought the problem affecting many members of my close and extended family was alcoholism. I turned to the 12-step program already as a teenager to look for answers, understanding and sanity. My mother was not an alcoholic but my father and grand-parents were. For some time, I thought that my ideal partner should be a recovering alcoholic (one in the 12-step program) because he would be aware of the disease. But I was never in a relationship with one.
    Little did I know I still had to wait many years and go through a lot of stuff to truly have the whole picture about my family’s “disease”.

  4. Mona says:

    Quite the truth. They do not care, what kind of woman is there for them, it is only important, that there is a woman to care for them. Old, young, intelligent, stupid, ugly, beautiful, it does not matter or is of interest. They cannot be alone, not for a minute. They crumble then and fall into depression. That is one of their greatest secrets and part of their hidden shame. If they smell the slightest criticism, they need another woman to cover their wounds. Therefore and for their nastiness they often have several women backstage.

  5. K says:

    This letter elucidates that it is all about the fuel, the whole fuel and nothing but the fuel, and that is the only truth we need to know.

  6. Cheyenne Blackendorf says:

    Interesting letter. A little bit mind boggling and confusing.
    But then again …isnt that what everything sort of feels like most the time when having to deal with a narcissist
    The last two sentences are the Best though!!
    A couple of ‘I gotcha Sentences
    But he would probably shake his head in disdain refusing to make sense out them and or try to falsely put the blame on you

  7. Diva says:

    “I know you lie to me all of the time.  Do you think I would lie to you to survive?”

    Living a lie takes it’s toll……..I too have lived a lie (therefore I am not being judgemental)…….however, living a lie, is akin to not living at all………..Diva

  8. analise13 says:

    I truly feel for these women who have suffered so greatly from narcissistic partners.
    Even though their stories differ from mine.
    There is still the commonality of hurt, deception and betrayal.

    Are you still married to this person or have young decided to leave him?
    Now that you are fully aware of what he is and has done.

    Thank you for sharing.
    There is so much support here and others who have suffered as you have.
    The blog is bridge to common bonding.

  9. Erin says:

    40 years. Wow. It says a lot about the strength and resilience of the author. Thankfully they seem to have the situation under control, that’s impressive.

  10. narc affair says:

    Youve been thru a lot 🙁 i hope one day you dont have to just survive and you can stretch your wings and live life to the fullest. To have raised your chld and put them thru college is a testament to your strength. Ty for sharing 💓

  11. Yolo says:

    He’s using her for triangulation. It’s great to get it out, but imo the focus should be less on the other woman and more on your awareness. I applaud your decision to keep your finances separated. Can you imagine what he tells her and family about You?

    My opinion is not to judge. I am aware these letters are based on our experiences and feelings not intended to send.

    Continued Healing and Blessings

  12. Lisa says:

    Oooo nice punch line! Loved it!

  13. Jreck says:

    This is my life. I was married for 20 years to my bipolar narsassist. He has moved back to a woman that has no kids an never married. She is extremely large and her only attraction is the things that she can do for him. Sports events. Money. But the kids are mine. The house is mine. He has nothing but her. I don’t really thinks he cares anyway. This is so right on for me that I would love to say it to him.

  14. Tappan Zee says:

    YES — 2survive Uwould.
    Addiction. Fake recovery.
    Two faced bitch slap there.

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