How Your Emotional Thinking Creates Excuses

 

 

HOW YOUREMOTIONALTHINKINGCREATES EXCUSES.jpg 

The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is how your emotional thinking once again cons you and causes you to fail to see what is really happening, how you make excuses for the behaviour. Your emotional thinking craves the interaction with us, it is selfish and wants to experience all of the ‘good’ which flows from us and to convince you to ignore the bad. Your emotional thinking does not want you to acknowledge what is really going on and exit the relationship. Your emotional thinking wants to gag logic so it cannot be heard and cause you to overlook the bad in the hope of recovering the good once again. Thus, your emotional thinking will make you issue excuse after excuse for what we do, so you remain invested in the relationship with us. Accordingly, your emotional thinking continues our control of you. It is those who are empathic who suffer from this effect from their emotional thinking. They are convinced to consider their action as selfless, a reflection of how they wish to see the ‘good’ in people, how they make allowances and are tolerant – but when you are ensnared with our kind, all that is happening is that you are being prevented, by your own emotional thinking, from seeing what is truly happening and this is to your detriment.

Of course, at the time it is happening, you cannot see it happening because your insight is impaired by the emotional thinking. Occasionally, logic might just make itself heard (only to be ignored) as you notice that a certain behaviour is not acceptable but your emotional thinking rises once again and swamps that logic before it can gain a foothold in your mind. Emotional thinking whispers that excuse for you and it is easier to accept that than go along the rocky road of logic. Thus, your emotional thinking keeps you blinded to the truth and it is only later when you have been punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty that you finally pay heed to logic and with hindsight realise how you have been conned. It happens over and over again and is all because of your emotional thinking gaining control of your thoughts.

This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.

The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.

Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have issued a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.

  1. He is just tired; it makes him snap.
  2. He doesn’t mean it, not really.
  3. You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
  4. He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
  5. Work is particularly stressful for him.
  6. He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
  7. I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
  8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
  9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
  10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
  11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
  12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
  13. He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
  14. He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
  15. I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
  16. He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
  17. You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
  18. Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
  19. All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
  20. You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
  21. It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
  22. I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
  23. You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
  24. You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
  25. I’m sorry, it was my fault.

Sound familiar?

31 thoughts on “How Your Emotional Thinking Creates Excuses

  1. Mona says:

    Susan K, I believe there are many reasons to stay and to avoid reality. HG mentioned a lot of reasons: used to that kind of behaviour through childhood experience, need to heal, lack of knowledge, belief in the goodness of people, good sex, their own dysfunctional belief systems, the feeling to be inferiour and to be happy to take part in a glorious world, real infereriority, the inability to believe that people like him really exist ….Mostly it is a mixture of a lot of reasons.

    What many empath forget: As long as they support a narcissist, they harm at the same time another individual. He is not only nasty to them, he is nasty to his ex, he is nasty to his children, he is nasty to his own created enemies. And when they defend his behaviour or find excuses for him/her they are supporters of the evil. They load “guilt” on their shoulders, not knowing it or being able to recognise it.

    An empathic woman, married with a narcissistic husband says to her daughter, who is sad about the ignorance and absence of her father:
    “Your daddy is only too tired. Therefore he has no time for you. Surely he loves you.” This is one of the harmless sentences children listen to. And it was meant to comfort the child. And the child starts to believe that it is not important enough to take time for it, it learns that ignorance of it is o.k. It learns to play an inferiour role in its own life. It learns to be quiet to get a little bit of attention if the father has time for it. It does not learn to express it`s own needs and to stand for it. Love means for the child: to be quiet, to wait and to suffer. Then it is loved.

    Later as adults they often follow this toxic empathic logic, until they entirely wake up. Even then it is very difficult to change the own view of the world.

    After all that love bombing of the narc empath slowly slip into their old role.

    Empath deny reality like narcs do. Both live in some kind of LA – LA- land.

    It sounds so good: “I am an empath.” It is not. They are the enablers of violence, cruelty and evil.

  2. Tappan Zee says:

    Susan K. it’s the over used boiling frog cliche. google it if you don’t know. also, i have next to no patience (or at least did not before) when i stood on the outside watching others. even here some times i go: wtf when ppl (usually women) go on about their (current!) N’s. It’s like i forget how dead, frozen, numb and paralyzed i was too. i. could. not. leave. and there were no knives, but the invisible one at my throat day and night. i get your utter dismay with “us” or them. i am us, i am them. and sometimes i hate or hates us/me too. it all goes into the victim blaming. gaslighting. smoke and mirrors, i refuse to believe i was at fault, to blame or culpable. i never signed up for it. did not see it coming. water was at 220° and i was dead to it. weird how much “logic” i can have when it’s not me. i had no clue. zero. the judging is a side effect to not own and distance oneself from the pain, and awful reality i susepect. also the utter helplessness and frustration to see but not be able to do for another. i want to hate and blame us too. not how it works.

  3. Tappan Zee says:

    What is the reason for our (what I would call distorted) ET? What is it protecting us from? If narcissism is a mask for trauma (distorted reality to cope) and more than I can say or know, but enough… Why do we have an ingrained logic that would con us into abuse in the first place? Why are we our own worst abusers? If ET is in us trying to con us. Isn’t that a mind fuck in and of itself? I am realizing I not only escaped N as an IPPS but also grew up immersed in it. Both parents, if possible (pending consult) so is that how and why it started? I ask because if ET is or was my own demise, why? It’s like it’s worse than or at least rivals N abuse. Did it start for me and us during the abuse? Some as adults. Others from cradle? It’s in my head. With or w/o N’s.

  4. Susan Kay says:

    At the risk of angering some, it seems to me that the empath and narcissist are at the opposite extreme of the same emotional mental illness. I always feel like we empaths want to make the narcissist completely culpable for the abuse in the relationship when we are just as culpable. Maybe more. I accept my responsibility for my part in the relationship I had with my narc… as crappy as he was, it was certainly not ALL his fault.

    1. Mona says:

      Susan, yes, we are responsible in one way. We did not stop the abuse and excused them. Nevertheless he is the aggressor. We are no aggressors. If someone attacks you out of nowhere with a knife and you have no knife, who is the one to blame? Do you blame the one, who casually stood in the way of the aggressor or do you blame him? I am sorry for my harsh words, but I have the feeling, you still follow the toxic empathic logic.

      1. Susan Kay says:

        I agree somewhat. However it is not a one-time event. Empaths seem slow to learn the lessons even as narcissists are actively looking for and digging up every detail. They don’t hesitate to use any them. When someone comes at you with a knife over and over again, at some point you are going to have to change your tactics and either learn to defend yourself, arm yourself, or find a way to take the knife from that motherfucker before he can use it on you again. Why do empaths allow themselves to be stabbed over, and over, and over, and over, again in the name of love? You want to know why a narcissist does what he does to empaths. I got that. I want to know why empaths continue to allow them to do it and in a manner encourages the aggression by allowing repeated episodes of denigration. I want to see what triggers the empath’s fury. I, myself, had a “last straw”…too many/most empaths never do.

    2. cantevergoback says:

      I think I see where you are coming from that we empaths/narcissists are on the same spectrum/continuum because we are both wounded and are trying to fill a void or heal old wounds/ trauma usually stemming from child abuse/neglect, the biggest difference is that empaths don’t want to cause harm/hurt/pain to another intentionally. While we may be triggered back to childhood where we were weak and vulnerable and had no control over our situation the Narc wants to seize the power and control and inflict the pain on the other while the Empath wants to fix/heal both the aggressor and themselves. It’s an unhealthy dynamic for sure when both are looking to the other for validation/vindication. The narc may play the victim role to get what he needs but doesn’t ever really want to be seen or feel like a victim(worthless) as that would be a weakness whereas an Empath often feels they aren’t good enough, so if they stay stuck in that mindset where they are looking to the Narc for their self worth its more destructive and just perpetuates the abuse as the narcissist takes advantage of the nature of the Empath.
      The main difference is that empaths seemingly have an internal obligation to their authentic selves and reaching their fullest potential where as the Narc is only concerned with perpetuating the facade and the false self by any means necessary.
      The main difference being the capacity for love, the Empath needs to and usually will at some point learn self-love and that’s where they will break the cycle of abuse/trauma/victim whereas the Narc doesn’t have the capability to do so.
      Myself I am still stuck struggling with loving an illusion, caught in the self-blame/shame of it all but I knew I had to get out of that toxic relationship and while I acknowledge that it was a life learning lesson I refuse to accept all of the blame for the horrible way he treated me. I am done apologizing for his behavior.
      Should I have allowed it-no should I have left sooner-yes just hope to not go back to it now or in the future.
      Anyway that’s just my take on it, I could be way off base from what you meant, lord knows my judgement/insights are questionable right now…

  5. narc affair says:

    I know in my situation its not just wanting to see the good in him bc i could still do that without being involved with him but rather i dont want to end it. I think a lot of excuses are made out of denial bc theres a codependant dynamic and the supply source doesnt want to face the truth bc thatd mean having to let go of the narcissist. I dont think being an empath is what keeps people in a narcissistic relationship bc theres many empathetic people who have self esteem and a strong sense of themselves and would not put up with bad treatment. I think its more the empathetic individuals who are codependant on their narc in some way that make the excuses and its not to just see the good in them but more to find good so they feel justified in not wanting to let go and get rid of the toxic narcissist.

  6. C★ says:

    The order of the Universe is perfect balance. Narcs are needed for that balance as much as Empaths…. For example, think of the food chain, it is in place to keep Universal Order…

    1. Twilight says:

      C star

      Balance is needed,!to much in either direction and growth stops. Nature always finds a way.
      HG is a force that is spreading quickly.

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi c ☆…ive felt this way too that theres a reason theres people like this in the world and that diversity is important. We learn from each other and like a food chain are reliant on one another. Im not saying i like the disorder but everything has its place in the chain. That doesnt mean to say being prey to these types is a good thing and like the food chain we have to protect ourselves.

  7. Noname says:

    Hmm… We all have our bad times. We all can be tired, irritated, angry. Sometimes, we all need a space to sort our things out. We are the humans!

    But, in the presence of narc PATTERN, those excuses acquire another meaning, because they are the part of narcissistic dynamic exactly.

  8. Victoria says:

    Hi HG,
    Great article! How right you are, as always! After learning so much from your books and articles I was ensnared again by a cerebral Narcissist. Since he was a bit different from my ex a somatic, I ignored the signs just like your article stated. The red flags waved and my emotional thinking made excuses that the love bombing was ok, when in fact my logic was screaming at me that it was too much too fast. This has humbled me in realizing that I still have much to learn and to continue reading your articles and books.
    Today’s article was just for me. Thank you so much for your magnificent work and for your wisdom in helping me see the light. Your consultations are the most enlightening and I will continue to seek your advice to stay narc. free.
    Brilliant as always!

  9. Mona says:

    I believe that I have had a good natural inherent knowledge about the goodness and nastiness of people when I was a child. But all the time I was told: “He/she doesn`t mean it , not really.” I was pushed into some kind of “emotional thinking.” I was told to see people that way. Now I know, that I was right from the beginning of my life. What a sad discovery.

    1. 12345 says:

      That resonates with me, Mona. I was always told my paedophile stepfather was a sinner and sinners deserve forgiveness. Forgivenesses and staying in criminal circumstances are synonymous for my mother. Unless, of course, she is done.

      1. Mona says:

        Hello 12345,
        your comment makes me sad and angry. How could she defend your stepfather? I can only repeat it, children are children and have to develope their own personality and a healthy belief system until they are strong enough to protect themselves against adults who abuse them. They have to be protected by loving or at least reasonable adults. It is the first and most important responsibility of adults… .

        I believe that every child knows instinctively that sex between an adult and/or a relative is completely wrong. And if this happens nevertheless – the adult is the one who has to ask or better has to beg for forgiveness. No one else.

        I know, that there is still some kind of thinking in different societies, that the victim has to be the “holy” one, the one who has to forgive.

        What a big nonsense. I do not know if you know Susan Forward, who worked many years with victims of sexual abuse. At first she was of the opinion, that the clients would get some relief, if they learned to forgive their aggressors. She never saw any progress. They did not heal at all. Years later she changed her mind completely. She helped them to confront their aggressors. Although the aggressors did not ask for forgiveness or even confessed their deeds, the victims felt better than before.

        I believe this happened, because it was the first time in their lives, that they appreciated themselves as a human being with the right to have boundaries, the right of physical and psychological integrity. They lost a lot of the feeling to be the internal victim. They started to get much more control over their lives and started to protect themselves.. I wish I could explain it in my native language.

        12345, please do not believe people who defend aggressors. They only enable further abuse, violence, evil mind-games and power-plays. An aggressor will never stop until he is stopped.

  10. Lisa says:

    Such an important piece. Thank you HG.

  11. Parisgirl says:

    HG, is this what happened to the Vegas shooter’s girlfriend?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Possibly.

  12. Kim michaud says:

    If the world were devoid of people with emotional thinking everyone would end all their relationships friends or lovers the first time there was the slightest disagreement or infraction. I just remembered my mother telling me years ago I’m too emotional screw it the world needs emotional people it doesn’t need narcs

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No they wouldn’t.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      Kim1. On the contrary.
      Probably peace on earth.
      Nobody conned. By ET….

    3. Twilight says:

      Kim
      As I see things, I believe they have a type of emotional thinking only it is from a negative stand point. . They revolve around self where ours revolve around others. An excuse is an excuse for oneself or another, it is a lie we tell ourselves to make us feel comfortable with any given situation be it them or us. Truth brings an awareness which brings control over it.

    4. SuperXena says:

      Hello Kim michaud,

      Very interesting topic you brought up! I do not know if we interpret emotional thinking differently. Emotional thinking (for me) is not the same as being deployed /deprived of feelings/ emotions.

      You can control your feelings and still have them. That is to say: control of feelings/emotions does not lead you to be deprived of them.

      Actually by controlling your feelings I think that many relationships ( friendships, intimate relationships, professional etc.) have more chance to be saved by reaching a solution to a problem more effectively.

      When you let the emotions blind you , you lose objectivity not allowing you to see what the real problem is about.

      I think this control of emotions could work both ways:
      Being the non-narcissist’s emotions ( love,sorrow,sadness etc.) different from the narcissist’s emotions ( fury, jealousy ,envy etc.).
      In either case, regardless of which side of the fence you are on, the control of emotions would be more effective in reaching a solution to a problem.

      Sent from my iPad

    5. narc affair says:

      Hi kim…i agree with what youre saying bc i will never allow any narc to change me into an unemotional shell. My capacity to feel deeply for others is i feel a gift and a virtue i hold dear but i also understand what HG is saying in this blog and you need to balance that with reality. The reality is theres very flawed people out there that do not think or feel like us. I feel sympathy for them but im learning to be more cautious and protect myself as well. You can be empathetic without accepting abuse.
      I have an acquaintance that i used to go out with but over time i seen her as a victim narcissist. She always talked about her ailments and dumped on me. I like to listen and help my friends but this was excessive and it was never two ways. If i brought something up she didnt have an interest in it and would change the conversation. I ended spending time with her not bc she doesnt have some good points because she does but bc she was toxic and i never came away feeling positive afterwards. In that situation it was easy to walk away bc i wanted to. I made no excuses i just stopped spending time with her. I wish her well but im not interested in being around someone like that. You can be empathetic without accepting abuse and seperate the logic from the emotional thinking. Is this person good for me? No? Then time to disengage or limit time with them.

      1. kimmichaud1 says:

        Agreed

  13. Steph says:

    Speaking of the various traits you look for why isn’t weak-minded one of them? In my family, that was the defining trait of my mother’s 2 husbands and sister-in-law. Second only to subservience.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because we do not always want a weak-minded individual.

      1. Twilight says:

        HG

        Would a weak minded person also fall under low hanging fruit or does this fall more in the category of neediness?
        I am still sorting this low hanging fruit idea. What I think and you think I believe may differ.
        I have witnessed thou what happens to a weak minded person thou when their mind has been broken.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A weak-minded person would fall within low hanging fruit but they are not the entirety of the low hanging fruit.

          1. Twilight says:

            Thank you HG for your reply.

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