The Last Word

THE LAST WORD-2

I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

44 thoughts on “The Last Word

  1. Becoming Observant says:

    It depends on how good the sex was. It’s a narcissist: you should not expect real feelings or concern (much less “love”). If the sex was amazing together, and that’s all you want, and you can pretend there aren’t others and be ok with it (you can have others, too), then don’t pry, be content whether you’re on the shelf or in the light, If keeping the peace and continuing to have great sex without commitment is the goal, then the words should be “I’m sorry we fought. I hate fighting with you. Can we talk in person?” At which point, makeup sex commences and all is forgiven.

    From what I have seen, if you enter a relationship with a narc, it cannot be with serious expectations. It’s a side dish. A supplement that you can live with or without, no strings. Empaths, once we see what narcissists are, we know to avoid the malign ones altogether, and avoid being any narcissist’s primary fuel source, right? Be a secondary, by all means. If he/she upsets you, it is probably more about you projecting yourself (caring, loving) onto them, then wondering why. If they do some dastardly deed (in your eyes), keep calm, remember it’s not personal, and if you MUST fight, keep it long enough to provide fuel, short enough so that you don’t become “not worth it”, apologize for fighting to appease him, and enjoy great makeup sex. Viola.

    1. Empath says:

      To me, this is an unacceptable alternative. No matter how good the sex. 1) Exposure to God knows what
      2) I could not be that vulnerable to someone that was not committed to me emotionally. Half the pleasure is sex for me is the emotional and physical vulnerabilities being exchanged between 2 people who care for one another.

      I suppose there are those who can keep their emotions out of it, but I would never give a Narcissist this arrangement to “accommodate” his disorder. I don’t want to waste any of my oxytocin (which is what leads us down the road of attachment despite how we are treated) on someone as shallow and empty as a Narcissist. I would never want to be looked upon as an “appliance”. I love sex as much as the next person, but not at the price of my dignity. In my humble opinion knowingly maintaining or keeping in an arrangement with a Narcissist merely for an occasional sexual liaison could not possibly be worth the unavoidable consequences of attachment, longing, and eventual discard. No way!

      NO CONTACT is the only way. NO FUEL. DRY TAP.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        Empath

        Absolutely agreed.
        Well said👍

      2. Becoming Observant says:

        I totally understand.

        I’m in a different place: happily married to a non-narcissist who can provide everything for me (except sex). I love him, he loves me, and I do not want feelings for anyone else. I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning with anyone else ever. Or celebrate our kids’ milestones with another person.

        I do miss sex, and I am super-empathic and attract narcissists unavoidably. Who else wants to dally with a happily married person but a narcissist? I have nothing to offer him: not my heart, or my family time, or loyalty. Those things are spoken for. I am extremely selective and do not rush into anything, but I am always looking because I know that the narc is (no matter what he says).

        Nobody will protect you except you, so do it well: Sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and learn self defense (jiu jitsu is fun).

        It is not ideal. But neither is having your true love become impotent 13 years into your happy marriage. 🤷‍♀️

        1. Empath says:

          Becoming Observant,

          Wow, and your true love is accepting of this arrangement? I am glad for you if you can manage as you have stated, to each his own, circumstances often dictate one’s behavior and perspectives change. I am in no position to judge, I really just want Narcissist victims to be aware of the risks.

          Some consider themselves immune because they consider themselves omnipotent. 😄

          I am mostly grateful that you have found your one true love, not many of us do, which is why we become entangled with “these kind” in the first place. I had unbelievable sex with the psycho I became involved with but feel nauseated and disgusted by the fact I had unknowingly exposed myself long term to G-d knows what. I would rather be alone AND sex deprived than to ever provide fuel to another Narc, especially that bastard that manipulated me! But obviously, I am pissed off and coming from a totally different perspective.

          I am grateful that H.G. provides the why, and gives feedback on how to run like hell, but there are more reasons other than just the catastrophic emotional toll it takes upon us empaths-which was my main point.

          1. Becoming Observant says:

            I get it. It’s been a journey, and I was manipulated and controlled by plenty of narcs in my lifetime. It wasn’t something I recognized as a pattern until I was ensnared/disengaged twice in a row by maligns.

            The first was a female friend/neighbor, and our families were extremely close for nearly 10 years before her abrupt, unexplainable discard/smear.

            The second was a coworker.

            After being blindsided twice in a row (with catastrophic consequences/smears), I took to the internet in search of what had happened. I knew that normal people don’t experience this drama, especially not multiple times. After both experiences, my real friends (and children!) confided to me that they had never felt comfortable around those people. After twice battling (what I now know are) maligns, I knew that the flaw had to be in ME, not them. Obviously, they are flawed; but normal people pick up on the bad juju, and I do not. I had to fix myself, recognize that I do not instinctually distrust or suspect ppl, but try to see the patterns they all show us.

            My web search landed me on HG’s work, and his insights have been valuable to me. Since normal people aren’t targeted, they don’t fully believe a target when that target tries to explain all of the things done to them. And the lieutenants cover for the narcs seamlessly, so that the target sounds like a loon. We cannot get “revenge”: they are well-adapted to anything we can serve up, and throw it back on us with much more vengeance than our hearts can comprehend.

            If I think someone is malign or a greater, I consult HG for the lowdown on what’s likely to come next if I move forward. He has been spot-on every time, and seen things I did not. I will not tangle with a malign or greater. They are self-aware, into the cruelty game, and go into every acquaintance with an end-game planned (which is for their fuel and your torture). Lessers/midrangers don’t believe anything is wrong with themselves. They believe themselves to be victim/heroes/underdogs. They can be manipulated easily. You still don’t want them angry, bc they’ll get even without remorse, but they can be played with at arm’s length. Maybe TWO arm’s lengths…

          2. Becoming Observant says:

            All that being said, I am not above being drawn in, being surprised, or getting hurt. It’s hard to remember how low to set my expectations. These lesser/midrangers think of themselves as friendly, well-intentioned people. When they let you down, they are still narcs: won’t see their flaws, won’t admit to mistakes, will contradict themselves, use double-standards… They key to avoiding disappointment is not to expect anything, especially effort, on their end. Don’t expect them to come see you shine when you accomplish things: those expectations can only be placed on your non-narc friends, family, and primary. Never be a narc’s primary….

  2. Empath says:

    My last words were “don’t ever contact me again, I will never believe another word that you say” and if I had the chance again, I would act as though he was invisible and not even acknowledge his presence. He doesn’t deserve any response, or one drop of fuel into his enormous void which is his essence.

    1. DebbieWolf says:

      Empath

      Another great comment.
      And I needed to read those particular things today.
      Thank you. You have bolstered my strength this weekend.
      Best wishes to you

      1. Empath says:

        Thank you DebbieWolf…may the strength be with you!!! You can do this. There is no future with the disordered, the cold hard logic sets us free. F their kind!!!

        1. DebbieWolf says:

          Empath

          👍😇

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    why speak when you could pull a classic psychopathic move…

    Fake your own death lmao 😂😂😂

  4. 12345 says:

    I think my last words would be “I’m currently fucking your son.”

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      I’m dead…. 😂

    2. DebbieWolf says:

      12345

      Haha…love it! 😂😂😂

  5. Twilight says:

    My last word was…. check….then silence

  6. Kim michaud says:

    Out of spite I would also tell him I never loved him that it was all an act

  7. Kim michaud says:

    I would tell him he literally has the smallest penis I have ever seen on any man especially since he’s 6 4 and I would tell him his breath literally smells like shit cuz it does

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Kim Michaud

      How can you miss that?

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Kim,

      Be careful with that one … my ex would have gotten a hard on if you said that to him
      😂

  8. NarcAngel says:

    Well my view is if you wound upon exit (with no emotion) and it makes you feel good (and you hold no contact after) then fine. But if you expect him to suddenly see your side and have a revelation or feel remorse its not going to happen. It will be like trying to smell the number 4.

  9. Laya says:

    I said nothing to him, I knew that I would never be heard, I did however leave a very well written letter on the table the day I moved out….so well written in fact that it sent him into a downward spiral…..that was my closure, it was never about him. I thanked him for every cruel, malicious and disgusting abusive thing he had done to me over 27 years because it forced me to find myself and I am in love with who I have become….he on the other hand is clinging to anything that numbs him and I hope he rots there because that’s what he deserves.

    1. Super Empath says:

      Funny, even though I have only just begun the divorce process, I have already written my own letter (4-damn pages).

      What I’m contemplating right now is should I leave it, or just go? The letter doesn’t go into detail as to what I am, what he is, as I refuse to provide him with that particular knowledge. I simply cannot give him the keys/tools to sharpen his game. Because if I do, I will somehow feel I would be his partner-in-crime (if you will) i.e., in destroying his next victim.

      My one and only aim is to bring him down on his knees, to hit him in the gut and let him know I know and knew all along. I was on to his every game. I continue to degrade his aging looks, lack of prowess, etc. It’s not a very nice letter but in a way, it is. However, I did end it with thanking him for helping me understand what I don’t want in a man, thanking him for the existential misery he had shown; as it prevented me from hating him and from having bad feelings towards him; it caused me only commiseration and that he’d made it easy to know I had to let, ‘the monster go.’ Things like that, I didn’t bring up the past, or recap every nauseating detail of what all he had done.

      I’m praying for the answers right now as exactly what is the right thing for me to do. I know by times’ end, I’ll know what to do.

  10. Diva says:

    I will admit that I do have to have the last word and if I do not get the opportunity to say it, I will text it or write it instead. I have had several last words albeit I did not know they were with narcs but the last “word”, via text I had with the last narc after a prolonged silence was this……”I will give you one week from now to come and collect your belongings that you left in my garage otherwise it’s all going up to the tip.” Yes I had the nerve to set a boundary….FINALLY!!!!! He replied “I can’t collect it this week I am too busy.” ……he never said when he would be free to collect it and he obviously had no intentions of adhering to my deadline, so I gathered up the lot and just threw it out, within 60 seconds of his response. Good riddance to bad rubbish!!!! I had my last word without saying a word!!!!!!

  11. angela says:

    i did it..my last word was NO

  12. Noname says:

    The most important last word is the word we say to ourselves. It is final and it is a real closure. We need no one for that.

    1. Empath says:

      Yes, that is truly a sign of freedom.

  13. Scout says:

    I had the last word and went NC. It made no difference. The aftermath resulted in a smear campaign and it’s lasting impact is still being felt to this day. No matter what you say, it is the Narc who really has the last word. Let them shout their vile words for it demonstrates how immature they are. Walk away in silence is the best ‘last word’ you can have.

  14. becoming observant says:

    It would not matter. Anything said would be twisted until the narc wins, and probably not spoken to the victim’s face (instead, to their family/peers in common, to gain sympathy/support fuel in addition to the victim’s fuel).

  15. “Remember when you said, “You wish I was dead, don’t you!!?” and I replied “I never SAID that.” but you knew I thought that? That’s when you were the most right. And I got my wish,Nah,nah,nah!” Add raspberry. : P

    I’m feeling bratty right now, even if it is a bit unseemly at my age. ; )

    1. And if I had admitted that at the time, he would have been ecstatic! Proof of my cruelty to him! As it was I used one of his word tricks. I used to call it a ridiculous application of technical deniability.

  16. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I personally don’t see the point in saying last words to someone who lacks the insight, awareness, and intelligence to grasp what I am saying. It’s not like it’s going to impact him that much or at all. It also doesn’t change the outcome. It’s all the same. I think it is more powerful to disappear or give a one liner in a cold way via text – say nothing more and send their shit back through the mail (that is what I did).

    Why would I want him to think he matters? Not after everything he put me through – oh no – he doesn’t get to matter anymore.

    Other than “it’s over” which to me implies the message of “im done with this shit” – silence is golden.

    Never underestimate the power of silence because it honestly speaks volumes…

    1. Caroline says:

      I agree with you that silence is best, Dr. Q…no words are going to suffice anyway. Maybe a sound though, for dramatic effect. Like a foghorn? A big gong? Lol.

    2. Mercy says:

      I agree Dr H. Nothing said will have any impact so why bother. This last break up he went on a rage telling me how I ruined us and he wants me out of his life (he got busted with an ex). In the past I would have defended myself. This time my last words were “ok”.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mercy,

        Standing ovation!!

        “Okay”

        Very effective.

  17. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    It makes no difference what I say – even if I were to say the things I knew. Truth is I don’t care enough, I have pride, and I didn’t and wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

  18. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    I totally agree with your words! My friend approached me in the car park. Having “wised up” a tad, after coming across your blog, I was able to call him out on his lying. I had the upper hand, so I was able to end the friendship on that note! It worked in my favour! He has not replied to the ending of our friendship or admitted to lying! He left it open and up in the air …. that’s why I suspect he’s plotting something! One ghosting since, that’s it ! I really don’t care anymore, I’ve moved on!
    My last words were “I no longer wish to be your friend anymore and take me off your Christmas list “!
    After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and over two years of healing, I’m done !
    Never again!
    Thanks to you Mr Tudor

  19. Renee says:

    Bullshit. Ive been living with a mid range lesser for two years and thanks to this blog….i can win. I have been. He meets my needs and if i feel like it, i meet his. I dont know the future and dont care. My needs are met. Hes a man. Im a woman. Its not that complicated

    1. Interesting. A mid-ranger that meets the needs of others. I didn’t know they made that model. 🤔😄

    2. Patricia J says:

      Maybe you alllll could buy a house or something together. It could work.

  20. Caroline says:

    Well, my last words to him (before I knew he was a narcissist and decided to suddenly go NC) were in a text, and it was this:

    “You know what? If I saw a cat pee in your Malt-o-Meal when you left the room, I wouldn’t say a word when you came back.”

    Oh… my. Can you imagine that being your final words to a narcissist? What can I say – the last game he played really irritated me.

    Although it’s 100 percent my sense of humor, I really did NOT want that to be the last thing I ever said to him, but I guess I’m stuck with it.

    1. Funny! Practice your lines. He’ll come back around. Lol

  21. Patricia J says:

    My greatest emotions happened the fleetest moments I saw the real you. Scared, deer in the headlight eyes, vurnable you. I loved you only moments.

  22. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Nothing.

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