5 Common No Contacts Mistakes – No. 2 Thinking We Will Not Hoover You

5-common-no-contactmistakes

A second common mistake which occurs when somebody implements no contact is thinking that there will not be a hoover from us. As I have explained, the hoover takes place at various points in the dynamic between narcissist and victim. In this instance, it concerns the post escape or post discard hoover.

Where you have escaped us, you will almost always face the Initial Grand Hoover as we unleash a frenzied attempt to bring you back under our control. This will happen where you tip us off and also once we realise you have embarked on your escape without giving us any notice of what you are doing. (You can read more about how we react in such instances with these articles How No Contact Feels – Part One   How No Contact Feels Part – Two  How No Contact Feels – Part Three ) Should you manage to resist the Initial Grand Hoover you are usually granted a period of respite as we seek fuel from our supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary ) and look to find a different primary source.

Where you have been discarded of course there is no Initial Grand Hoover. We have a new primary source and we focus on that person, effectively deleting you from our minds. You may try to contact us, to get answers, to win us back, to try and resolve unfinished business and you are rebuffed and receive malign hoovers which cause you to back off.

Accordingly, in the case of escape you have rejected the Initial Grand Hoover and there is silence. Or, you have been discarded and your attempts to connect with us have been rejected and there is silence from us. You implement or maintain no contact going forward and the fact that you have heard nothing from us, no messages, no phone calls, nobody calling around to see you, no enquiries from our friends or family causes you to think that you have weathered the storm and that it is all over.

It is not.

I will return to this presently.

The other common mistake that people make with regard to thinking that we will not hoover is making use of the phrase ‘final discard’. I have seen this used many times and I do not know where it has originated from. It appears to be the case that people seem to think that there is some final flourish from us as we tell you that this time it is REALLY over and this time I mean it (although didn’t I say that last time?)

There is no such thing as a final discard. I have written previously that the word discard is not accurate because it really is a dis-engagement. In our minds, our relationship with you lasts until either you die or we die. It is for life because you belong to us. Yes, we will put you from our minds at certain times (when enjoying the golden period with someone else, when we place an IPSS on the shelf) but this does not mean that it is over.

Just because you have weathered the sustained effort of the Initial Grand Hoover to win you back does not mean that we have got the message and we will leave you alone. It is a temporary cessation in the hostilities. Our need for fuel will send us elsewhere as we hunt down a new primary source but we will be back. You have a period of respite by which you can build your no contact and recover but do not be drawn into thinking that this one off blitz of hoovering was the end of it. Similarly, do not think just because we have told you that we wish you would fuck off and die, or disappear off the planet that we will not come back for more. Just because you have tried to speak to us but we have rebuffed you does not mean that that is the end. Not at all.

We are contrarians, hypocrites and engage in contradictory behaviour. This is because of the narcissistic perspective that we adopt. We do what the fuel requires of us. All is as the fuel dictates it to be. If that means in January you are persona non grata, it does not mean that by May we will not declare our love for you once more. What has gone before is the past and we have no sense of shame or reluctance in coming back to you again. It does not matter that we once cast you aside because you failed us. That was then and this is now. Now somebody else has failed us, they have been painted black and this means that you are back in favour. You have recovered and we see you through the lens of being a ‘good’ person once again, someone who is going to give us what we need. It is irrelevant that you let us down  previously. What matters is that our perspective causes you to be seen as a good source of fuel and we want it.

It is understandable why you might think we might not hoover, this may be for any of the following reasons:-

  1. We were so savage in our discard of you;
  2. You exposed us to people when you escaped;
  3. Significant time has passed;
  4. You believe there was a ‘final discard’;
  5. You hear we are with somebody else;
  6. You are with someone new;
  7. You sent us packing when we tried the Initial Grand Hoover.

Whilst these may influence the likelihood of a hoover occurring they will not in themselves mean that it will not happen.

Accordingly, just because of the circumstances and the passage of time, you decide you can go back on social media, you can accept friend requests from strangers, you can go to the places you had avoided for some time, you can talk about us freely again with your friends or even our friends and so on. This is dangerous.

I am not suggesting that you must spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder. That is unsustainable but you ought not to think that there will never be a hoover because if you do this you will instinctively lower your guard and in so doing you will cause two things

  1. You are far more likely to activate a Hoover Trigger by entering the spheres of influence; and
  2. You will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria and thus increase the chances of a hoover happening.

Of course you may well be in a better place and thus far more able to repel the hoover when it happens but there remains a risk, because of your inherent susceptibility to our kind, that as I explained in Part One of this series, you will allow exposure to us cause your emotional thinking to rise and over take your logical thinking which means you are risking being dumped into the emotional sea once again.

If you think a hoover will never happen you will become complacent and you will then start to do the very things which will result in a hoover being MORE likely to happen. Thus, by always reminding yourself that there is a risk (even if it is very small) of a hoover taking place you will continue to maintain a degree of vigilance which ensures this risks stays small and you do not begin to engage in behaviours which encourage us.

I see repeatedly people state that they know their narcissist will not hoover again. They write that it will not happen and they are safe. The only way you are safe from a hoover is if we have died.

I have hoovered somebody after a 12 year hiatus. I would do it after a longer period of time if there was a Hoover Trigger and the criteria are met. There is fuel available and we will take it and assert our superiority and control over you. Remember, we made an investment in you, all that time ago and we will want to keep drawing on it. The fact you have not heard from us for a long time is because our attention was elsewhere and your no contact is proving effective so even if there is  Hoover Trigger, the criteria are not met and therefore no hoover follows.

If you start thinking we will never hoover you, you will become complacent and that is when you run a greater risk of a hoover actually taking place.

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40 thoughts on “5 Common No Contacts Mistakes – No. 2 Thinking We Will Not Hoover You”

  1. The person u hovered after 12 years was that the first time u hovered them after the relationship ended or were there hoover 12 years earlier ? Also when u did hoover after 12 years was this for fuel or to restart relationship?

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    1. No it was not the first time post formal relationship. It was fuel. I am Nomadic, I do not resurrect the formal relationship, but I always maintain the narcissistic one.

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      1. What about your shelved secondary intimate sources? Did you ever take them off the shelf? If so, what was the longest shelf period?

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      2. HG – The images you use for the blogs are awesome. I randomly came across some perfect ones this eve. If you’d like me to send them to you, just let me know how.

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  2. …and I am the pitiful empath sitting here wishing, hoping and waiting for the promised hoover to come. I know that I am exceptionally fortunate to have lost no more than a year to my narcissist. That’s my head. My heart is still his. Though I do want it back.

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    1. You’re not pitiful, Willow. You feel like that because of the GP. It sucks, I know.

      Try this: whenever you long for him, picture the narcissist as a remote-controlled robot. Imagine the panel across his back, with batteries inside… picture him holding a huge remote control, with things like “Golden Period” and “Silent Treatment” and “Hoover,” etc. switch options on it.

      Maybe that will help take the romance out of it.:-)

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      1. Thank you so much! I am already trying your suggestion. Unfortunately I’m thinking an awful lot about that horrible little robot!

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    2. I have been in the same place as you Willow. It took me 8 years to finally get out of that place. He and I haven’t spoken in 4 months, after he put in a year of hoovering and me attempting to thwart the attempts. He almost took me this time. I got to a point where I thought, “The only way I will escape this horror is if I end my life”, because I just could not stand the pain anymore. And every day, I sit here worried and terrified for the moment he returns… because I know he will, and I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting him away. But I knew I was strong enough 4 years ago too… and he still won.

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      1. At this point I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough. But I am trying to educate myself and protect myself as best I can. Sending strong thoughts your way.

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    3. Willow
      You spoke of wanting your heart back. I used to feel that way and feel like I’d lost my heart to people who just abused it. Then one day I realized that my heart was a magical thing. I could give it to any number of people. But it would only stay with someone if they took care of it. If they don’t it fades away from them and returns to me. Now when I realize someone I gave my heart to doesn’t deserve it, I automatically visualize it fading away from their grasp and flying magically back to me.
      I know that this sounds corny, but it works for me.

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    4. Have you read HG’s Exorcism – Purging The Narcissist From Heart And Soul? I highly recommend it! You are not alone Willow.

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  3. Don’t you ever just get tired of hoovering? I mean it sounds exhausting. You have to keep track of everyone “under your control”. Is there never a time or moment when enough is enough? I’m only asking because honestly it seems time consuming and frankly quite bothersome?

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    1. No. It will sound exhausting to you because you are not me. I do not have to keep track of everyone and it is relatively simple to find certain people if I am moved to do so. There is never enough.

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  4. HG, I would value your opinion on this rather philosophical question. Is it the Ns search for fuel that creates or overrules his/her moral compass OR is it the lack of the moral compass that creates conditions where he/she can get nothing from other humans other than fuel?

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    1. It is the lack of moral compass which facilitates the ability to gain fuel so effectively. If we had one, it would hamper us.
      Thank you by the way for promoting the link on the discussion on daily kos, it is appreciated.

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  5. HG,

    How does a lower mid-range feel when they Hoover you via e-mail and you don’t respond to it. I got an e-mail about 4 weeks ago calling me names and telling me I didn’t care about my son even though it’s her that will not let me see him. I just decided not to respond and go through legal channels instead. I assume this would of caused some kind of wounding although I never received a follow up one.

    Thanks

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  6. Hg- Would I be considered an the shelf IPSS if I have been maintaining NC ever since he disengaged from me? Doesn’t on the shelf mean I am still playing his games? He disengaged me 8 months ago and hoovered me once but I didn’t reply. We have never been off and on we just broke up the once.

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  7. My heart is still his………..The never ending conflict between heart and head is exhausting and painful. There are times when I am so exhausted that I feel like surrendering/giving in to my narcissist. Usually when I’m trying to maintain no contact. H G I work at the same company as my narcissist though in a different department. When he wants me to see him he does a walk through the office or walks across my path as I walk into work or he watches me walk into work from a hidden location. If I interact with someone in the parking lot, usually male, he comments on it. What type of narcissist do you think he is? I find him to be very passive. What advice do you have for me? Leaving my job is not an option. Thanks

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    1. I cannot say what type of narcissist he is from this brief description. To do so and also to provide you with constructive action you can take to address your current situation I recommend you organise a consultation with me.

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  8. But after the dis-engagement there is no idealization already, right? The source is no more as “tasty” as in the beginning?.. How does it feel from inside, when that next hoover happens?

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    1. When we dis-engage you usually become persona non grata unless there are malign hoovers which follow. In terms of the next hoover, do you mean a malign one or when we engage with a benign hoover at a later stage?

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  9. HG. Thank you for this post. The narcissist I’m dealing with is also a coworker. I’ve been no contact/gray rock for the last year and a half. I don’t even make eye contact.

    I’ve recently announced my resignation from my position effective at the end of the month. And advised I will be moving 600 miles away. What if any hoover tactics can I expect in the next two weeks?

    She is blocked from all my social media as well as blocked from my phone. Mutual friends are blocked on social media and do not have my new phone number.

    I believe she is a greater narcissist. I’m unsure if my role was dirty secret or IPSS.

    I appreciate any insight or suggestions you can provide.

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    1. You are welcome. In order to comment constructively I will need more information and therefore recommend you organise a consultation.

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  10. I like it when she hoovers me.I get to point out all her flaws and imperfections. Maybe someday she will figure it out and leave me alone.

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  11. HG…..Just stating that it is all going exactly as you have stated so far:

    I escaped…..he didn’t see it coming….(neither did I really……I just lost it because of future faking, something he said he would do, didn’t do and had no intention of doing. These emotions that volley between a narc and an empath are sure hard to handle at times……sometimes it is like lighting touchpaper……but in this particular case, thankfully, my emotions actually assisted in my departure.)

    I initially thought I didn’t get an IGH…..but I have since realised that I did….a weak text message stating “I will leave you alone for a while…..and any time you want to chat you know where I am….”

    I resisted that message……it was not too difficult really……that’s not my idea of a Grand Hoover…..but I see it for what it was now.

    After 8 months of no contact and several comments made by me that I was sure I would not get a hoover……mine arrived recently by way of a birthday message.

    That too has been ignored……the saga continues no doubt……I just hope I don’t see him……although that will be the truest test of my resolve……Diva

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  12. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I’m a NISS …… should I be….. so lucky … lucky lucky lucky …?
    (Bit of Kyle Minogue there .. hehe)
    Or …… does no one escape the clutches?
    BTW …. I’ve never persisted in any follow up, texting, phone calls, or anything, after I was discarded, he was the one who caught up with me and I only responded, in a manner, befitting, as I would to anyone else.
    Thanking you

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  13. HG do you hoover any of the women you have proposed to on the anniversary of the day you proposed to them? What about your wedding anniversary with your ex wife? Do those dates make them enter your 6th sphere?

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