Poll – How Did You Find Out The Narcissist Was Cheating?



It will nearly always occur when you have been entangled with a narcissist. It may come in many forms, emotional, intellectual, financial and the one that most people know and the one which causes the most pain, physical or sexual infidelity.

If you did not think your narcissist cheated on you, it is probably because you just did not find out. However, many people do find out. Sometimes it is a brutal awakening when they thought there was nothing wrong, such as walking in on the narcissist in bed with someone else or seeing a damning text message apppear on the narcissist’s ‘phone. Perhaps you found some physical evidence of infidelity – the narcissist smelling heavily of an unfamiliar perfume, missing condoms, underwear or clothing that is not yours, bites or scratch marks on that person or the traditional lipstick on the collar. You may have had suspicions and did some sleuthing, finding evidence of e-mail exchanges or subscriptions to dating sites or hook-up sites. Maybe the news came from a third party who had seen the narcissist out and about with The Other Person. Perhaps it wasa more direct as The Other Person contacted you to tell you what was going on or maybe the narcissist told you him or herself as part of the devaluation.

You may choose more than one answer before casting your vote and as ever do expand in the comments section about the experience. How did you feel? What did you do? What happened thereafter?

Thank you for participating.

How did you uncover the narcissist's infidelity?

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126 thoughts on “Poll – How Did You Find Out The Narcissist Was Cheating?”

  1. My husband, who was never interested in sex, after the first few months dating, didn’t come home one night. I was worried sick, calling everyone I knew he could be with. He came home 7 in the morning, immediately admitting he spend the night with a female collegue. My world collapsed, but I thought it was so honest of him, not making up stories. Now I know he just never cared about me or my feelings. I am finally divorcing him after 27 years of marriage, having been depressed for at least 25 of them. I totally lost my ‘self’ and my self-esteem, being completely ignored for so many years. Why on earth did I not divorce him earlier? Because my very religious narc mum prevented me. She’d rather see me unhappy than having to tell people I was divorced. Things have changed since I read about narcissism, it’s clear to me now, although I still have a hard time surviving in my ‘new world’.

  2. I voted internet history bc my first glimpse into his deciet was thru a site we both frequented. It was pretty early on and it shocked me. I knew right away hed signed up under another identity bc he wanted me to know. I could tell he wanted me to know bc in his profile he had his age and where hes originally. I just knew in my gut it was him. He would flirt excessively with other women and knew it would upset me. I also knew it was him from things he would post which he knew only i knew. He wanted me to know. I kept asking myself why? Why did he want me to know? The only thing i could come up with is he wanted me to know so he could think to himself he warned me who he was and probably for negative fuel as well. I mentioned this alternative i.d to him and he played dumb like he didnt know who it was. Eventually i left the site and never went back and im very glad i did. Realistically tho my situation is so very different from others in that i knew from the get go not to expect too much from him and that he was a single man so ive just accepted it. Id rather not know his other relationships.

  3. I can’t pick an answer, sorry, but here is how I knew:
    1. My somatic(?) narc has this friend he knew before even meeting me. One day he went away for a trip and came back with a bracelet as a present for me. I saw the very same bracelet in a picture of this friend and dumped him then and there.
    I eventually agreed to stay friends at the time, because there never was a devaluation period (however sex had always been scarce, even at the beginning, despite his fixation with his physique, and he called me unastiable for trying to have sex more than once a month…That was the only criticism I ever got.) He denied any wrongdoing until many months later when he tried to contact me, I can’t remember why, and I refused to talk unless he came clean. After a few months he tried to get back together with me/cheat on her, and she was pregnant! I’m not that type of girl so I turned him down…I then cut contact.
    2. My Greater narc: I have no evidence, no proof. I just know. he went away for 1 night without telling me, although he tried to gaslight me into thinking he had forewarned me, and would not answer his phone. I just know. I was worried so I called his mother (who I suspect is a narc) multiple times, and I think she scolded him mightily. We broke up when he returned, unsurprisingly.

    so 1. a bracelet. Not proper evidence so much as a clue
    and 2. gut feeling.

  4. He would clear his history on the computer. What he didn’t realize was that unless he reset safari, I could still see the highlighted ads on craigslist casual encounters he was visiting.

  5. N2; Like others, I “just knew”. I picked “found out by the other woman”, but that’s not really accurate. I knew about her. She did not know or believe he was also still seeing me. She called me once, and I confirmed it, but I think he convinced her it was over. Then she came to my work and confronted me because I happened to work with someone she went to school with. He had given us BOTH engagement rings in the same week! 😂😂😂. I felt badly for her. There was actually a 3rd girl too, at that time. He actually told me he was seeing who would do the most for him, and he should pick her because she was the most innocent and nice to him, but her teeth were crooked! Wow. I laughed at him, told him they could have him and thanks for the ring! It should pay for a new stereo in my car. N3, missing condoms from his nightstand drawer – at least he used them! – and he kept bringing up this other woman and actually took me to a party at her house! I broke up with him and I found out much later that he had started dating her right away (if not before). N1; ….it’s complicated. He is the only one I was/am chemically bonded to.

  6. Another dead giveaway for my Narc was his inability to keep what stories he had told to whom straight.

    So when he’d start repeating stories to me… like he’d never told them to me before… I knew it was because he was telling the to someone else as well (or several someone else’s) and couldn’t remember telling me already.

    This hadn’t happened since we first started dating and I knew he was still dating others. But I left him and we have been separated. He doesn’t want the divorce (well, he waffles on that depending on his temper tantrum of the day) but his stories started repeating.

    I went full NC from low contact 4 days ago and am now letting my attoeney deal with him refusing to follow through with the financial details. (like signing over the title to my car to get his name off of it) I didn’t want to spend the money because I hoped he’d be reasonable (hahaha) and just do them (they are part of the property settlement) but realized they are his key back in the door and he will drag his cloven hooves as long as he can, including not signing the final papers.

    So I finally told him “sign, don’t sign. Whatever. If you die, it just means I will get a third of your estate. Yay me.” He’s worth several million and is tighter than bark on a tree and FIRMLY believes I am not entitled to his Precious, so I hope that parting shot will wake him up and get his inkwell flowing!

    After HG’s hint of “exorcism” I bought his book of the same name and purged my home. Just that one step has made a tremendous difference. (THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR!)

  7. Intuition has always been a girl’s best friend. My first husband & father of my sons cheated numerous times. He wasn’t a Narc, just an idiot. We dated through HS and had never had other partners. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I figured he’d “get curious.” We married too young and he just wasn’t ready. I left because when that “feeling” hit, I found that I had zero f’s to give. We had 2 young sons and I realized I was too young to reconcile myself to a lifetime of a loveless marriage where I looked the other way for the sake of the marriage itself.

    We separated and divorced without fanfare and raised our sons living less than a mile from each other. I even babysat for he & his second wife on occasion because their daughter didn’t understand why she couldn’t go with her brothers for sleepovers. I’d attend holidays with his family (I have none) and his second family and my sons.

    He never denied, blamed me or failed to take accountability for his indiscretions. To this day, 20 years later, he will still apologize and tell me “what a fool he was.”

    Anyhow… I had that same “gut feeling” with the Narc. He just had so many smooth lines and cover ups. Plus, he worked out of town 3-4 days a week and I had separation anxiety so I was trying to not let my own issues cloud my judgment.

    I’ve mentioned this before.. but his first wife committed suicide. He had been having a 15 month affair when she did. He swears she didn’t know about it. The woman he was having the affair with and I have become somewhat close. She told me that the wife suspected, at the very least. Her sister told me she was sure she knew, she just didn’t want to make waves. But he insists she didn’t.

    And I told him… “women know.. they may not want to know.. but they know.”

    My first husband always became more attentive and loving. We had a very active sex life, so that didn’t change, but he’d start doing little things for me. I always chalked it up to his guilty feels. If it lasted more than a week, I knew to start digging. This was the early 90’s. Not as easy to catch ‘me back then! You had to put in some real investigative work, ladies! Remember to do “redial” on the house phones BEFORE *69 or else your “redial” would just be..*69… 😀

  8. I see references to eHarmony, POF and real dating sites.
    I thought I’d be hearing stories of tinder or Ashley Madison. Why wouldn’t they use sites exclusive to hook ups or cheating? Is the fuel supply there low grade? Are they just not caught?
    Or What?

  9. First time I caught him closing out of eharmony. Barely a flash. I joined with fake account. Caught him.

    He told me he would delete his account. Caught him again a couple months later. The notification popped up on his phone as I plugged it in to charge, per his request. Yet, he was pissed at me for seeing it.

    I logged into his account when I had the chance. I emailed the ones he had been in contact with. Only 1 replied. One called him after getting my message. He tried to say he had nothing going on with her. Funny how she had a reaction to my email if nothing was going on. I couldn’t prove it of course because she didn’t respond.

    I should have ended it then. He of course cheated again, he was kind enough to let me know it the last time.

  10. He got pleasure from making me suspicious. He left glaring clues and if I didn’t find the clue, he lead me to it… like a kid who couldn’t wait for Christmas morning. For example, called me from work one day to look for spare keys in his coat pocket… no keys but a condom. The list goes on. Insisted I take his car once… silky bra in the backseat. I will grant him this, he was clever enough to always maintain plausible deniability. At one time, I was desperate to catch him. I wanted a reason to leave without feeling guilty. I wanted proof I wasn’t crazy… I mean, who does that shit? In the end he gave me more than enough reasons other than infidelity… which he still denies.

    BTW, how the hell do you guys find these fake profiles?

    1. Yes S and others, please tell us how to find their fake FB accounts or other email accounts… and also how to find a legit hacker or forensic expert. If you know one, can you pass along their info? As the empathy’s we are.. this is important. Just as the narcs can’t change who they are neither can we.

  11. It’s hard to explain because it is not normal and many judge. There have always been other women. We were suppose to be in a open relationship. Most people do not understand this but it worked for a few years. The only rule was safe sex and no one stays. Hook ups only, no attachments. A “relationship ” with another woman is cheating.

    That being said it was always intuition that clued me into the cheating. The gut feeling that something isn’t right. The first couple times he had me convinced i was paranoid and crazy. But I wised up and started listening to the only person I could trust…ME. Now it’s very easy to pick out the subtle change in habits and moods. Once I get those feelings all I have to do is a “drive by” or a quick look on his phone to confirm.

    I am a firm believer in that 6th sense (intuition) and now always trust it.

    One more thing. I believe at times they want us to find out to create fuel. Mine will never discard me completely. But he likes the crazy.

  12. Dear Mr Tudor, ,
    It is so sad reading all these comments and how everyone has been mistreated. Just aweful!
    The STD situatuion is horrific!
    My friend bragged to me that he had been celibate for 7 years (pity ploy obviously) He mentioned he had broken up with someone, but went back and more had sex with her anyway . He was quite indignant when she wanted him to wear a condom
    …. “how dare she ” … even though she had had a couple of partners when they supposedly not seeing each other! These people are 70 !
    I asked why he went back…. he said the need for sex was greater than what his head was telling him! I have read statistics that STD’s have risen amongst the oldies!
    So much easier to get a vibrator, cos all you have to worry about is having spare batteries …. 😂

    Ps … I agree wholeheartedly …” intuition ” is our greatest asset… we need to learn to use more often! I’ve found it to be right every time!

    1. Sil,

      may I call you that?

      Yes STDs have risen in older people. I have contracted one myself from my Narc in the last few years, without benefit of sex. It is also blood borne and I’d been cleaning up after him. He knew he had it and was treated for it, and he never let me know. I recently found his test reminder booklet, he had been tested every 4 months for years! Supposedly impotent with viagra ruled out. Good thing I had myself tested after I found that.

      “So much easier to get a vibrator, cos all you have to worry about is having spare batteries”
      Yes! I Love B.O.B.! If “he” doesn’t act right, I just throw “him” in a drawer till I can get batteries.


      1. Oh, and I’m not quite “senior” yet, bit I’m no spring chicken. And his “victims” ranged from 21 to 71. mostly non-whites as he liked to feel “superior”.
        Like not all people are humans. : P.
        Oh I forgot. They are appliances.

      2. Dear Perse,
        Thankyou for your reply and certainly (I’ve been called worse … haha)
        I have never heard of this “blood borne” , please excuse my ignorance … that is just aweful! Not having sex and getting infected, I’m speechless!
        I wish you well and hope you are in good health! All the best …. nothing wrong with BOB btw, always carry spares ☺️

  13. A woman’s intuition is excellent on such matters and I already knew a couple of women were on the scene, but I waited for evidence which came in a phone call, so voted I caught the narcissist on the phone.

  14. He never admitted it. Completely denied it repeatedly while displaying odd behavior and activities, etc. that would draw the conclusion for me. Would lie to me about literally everything that could exist in the planet. So I never “caught him” but given his actions at times, how predictable his lies became and the fact that he seemed to be a textbook narcissist, I believed for a long time that he was in fact cheating the entire time. But you know… I’m just paranoid and jumping to conclusions. (eyeroll)

  15. Dear Mr Tudor,


    They only tell you what they want you to know !😱

    Another great poll… thank you

  16. He told me each time except the last one. Very bizarre how he told me manipulated me and ended it with them to Hoover me back in and went to therapy and the mask became even better then I was suspicious and found the last one I ended it permanently. Very bizarre . I’m a terrible person I want to change you make me want to be a better person . Your the only person I’ve ever loved . It was stupid it meant nothing it was just bull sh . She meant nothing to me , I didn’t even like her body . You are way sexier than her … I was actually thinking about you. I asked him if he thought about me while he was cheating he said to be honest ( for a moment he was) it was thrilling like when I cheated on my xwife , it was exciting that I was getting away with it . I’m sorry omg I’ve ruined everything, your my dream woman your too good for me and it scarres me youlll leave me for someone better. I get lonely at work and want to talk to women . Blah blah blah . Take your whole 1/2 handful and go . I made that work but not this . Bye bye .

  17. For a mid range victim narcissist…the one I was seeing was smart.
    In the beginning we talked about polyamoury. That’s his way of being able to hunt freely.
    Several other women came through our doors and in all honesty I didn’t mind.
    It might not be everyone else’s cup of tea, but it works for me.
    It wasn’t until this one woman came to us …she is fat, ugly, & two-faced…perfect for him to triangulate me with, to gaslight with….And when I escaped he had her to hold onto.
    When she ended up in the same position I did before I left, I text her and asked if she saw something familiar….someone else in the bed she thought was hers while she’s been cast to the basement to sleep…
    She’s gone now and the next batter is up to the plate.

  18. My narc liked to blame others and objects.
    !st was a false diagnosis of VD. He tried to blame me. I was still serene and easy going at the time, and laughed when he came up with this. Finally “Admitted” he had gotten drunk, and had a one night stand when on a trip to his hometown. Actually the condition was a symptom of the diabetes I kept telling him he had. In the meantime senile doctor prescribes use of copious amounts of gentian violet. ROFLMAO. Probably curbed his activities, how would you explain why your willie is purple.
    When we were living in his hometown and he came back to my hometown to attend a concert with a friend. He visited one of my friends, and he said SHE got him drunk, so that when he returned to his motel room, when a lonely woman asked do you want company tonight, he agreed. I wanted to say “That was a prostitute, stupid!”
    This is why he supposedly quit drinking, though nothing else was considered of limits, intoxicant wise.
    The last time was hell, long and ongoing with violence and cruelty to me. I had already moved out, when he put on this big display of remorse and love. Said this cruel vicious evil woman had seduced him by declaring that the way I was acting I had to be whoring around with many different men, and that he should not have to support some other mans bastard. He said he realized he had been duped and he will never see that psychopath bitch ever again and if I would forgive him and take him back he would never do it again and would be the best husband ever!
    No it just made him a champion cheater.

    1. persephoneascending1
      The purple willie made me laugh. Excellent examples of blame shifting, pity play and hoover as well. Thank you!

    2. PERSE— this is priceless:

      he supposedly quit drinking, though nothing else was considered of limits, intoxicant wise.
      DITTO. and mine was drinking the whole time. ambien and benzos to boot. AS IF npd isn’t erratic and fucked up enough. let’s throw other intoxicants into the mix.

      hard to see it then (didn’t) but now it’s like the intoxicants (which i am seeing now as ALL the behavior which then i thought was JUST the drinking blah is part of.. if not THE shit show. alcohol and pills were only a side show.

      wow. on another note. never caught my nex cheating. always knew. intuition of an empath.

      or maybe just blatant stupidity on their part. or even less than stupidity. more control and submission to care so very little about us not to try harder to lie or feign the decent facade.

      it’s all about the facade. except when it’s not. upon reflection he was telling me with out words: you are not worth the facade.

      i.e. random texts, disappearances, weird sex pills from mexico, hidden g strings (men’s wtf) and my personal fav: one day he super cavalierly said; i don’t use condoms.

      i mean we were in the kitchen but it was as if i was a buddy in the locker room. it was not during anything. no hot or cold this or that.

      my mind was like, ya i know. i am “the one” (as if) he just threw it out there. i was aware. he said didn’t like how they felt. gawd i am dying typing this. we were in no conflict. i think he was making a sandwich or i was. this gets weirder and weirder (beyond that words capacity to describe) saying out loud.

  19. 📷 In addition to the above choices, I hired a PI to follow up, because I was told I was “crazy” and “imagining” things. PI confirmed what I knew and then some. However, even with cold hard evidence, it was denied and deflected. Blamed on me and used to disengage, end formal relationship, disappear, then triangulation manipulations. I went N/C after going through this cycle over and over for 13+ years.🎢

    1. C*
      This whole NPD thing is almost incomprehensible. I am glad you are N/C. It blows my mind how they process their behavior and deny everything.

  20. He never admitted it! Denied he ever cheated on me. Accused me of cheating when he had stds. Told me he had dinner with someone after formal relationship ended and I was being hoovered. He was looking at a Facebook page of an interior designer at my home before the formal relationship ended on Feb 14th and after my 3 hoovers ended in May he moved in with that same interior designer 3 months later in August. Boy is she in trouble now. I just thank God she saved me from continuing a relationship with a Narc. I believe he cheated the entire time using prostitutes, massage parlours and anyone else he could get!!!

  21. Mine told me he was seeing someone else and was in a state of panic that i woulnt see him again i did because i thought it was a fling until a freind showed me that she had put up in a relationship with him 4 weeks ago so he was seeing both of us she didnt believe me so i blocked her. He still continued to phone me up until 10 days ago to meet him i told him no ! Hes still with her as far as i know it makes me furious how he discarded me after 5 yrs and then expected me to still be his friend ?? He will get bored soon no doubt and if he doesnt he will destroy her soul like he did mine poor girl

  22. I was in bed with him, he got a message on hs phone, he replied. Then I got a message on mine , it was from him (naked next to me). “Sorry babe I cant see you tonight Im at the gym”. I told him to dress up and go.

    1. I just said “oh my god” out loud when I read this, June. As crafty and strategic as they are they can still do some colossally stupid things.

  23. My gut told me before this so yes I agree with debs . Intuition, as I keep asking and asking , I just knew .

  24. She was spending hours on dog walks with her ‘friend’ Sarah and not answering calls and texts so I just asked outright. Was sick of the bullshit. That was the end of the ‘relationship’. I’ve never looked back!

  25. “He’s a fucking idiot” wasn’t one of the choices so I couldn’t choose one. While always suspicious, I found out definitively this way through a text exchange with him:

    Me: “My biopsy is benign. I know you were worried sick. I’m not dying.”

    Him: “The better to lick you with.”

    Me: “Did you mean to send that to me?”

    Him: “Yes. I was just thinking about doing that.”

    Me: “Hmmm…do you honestly think I believe that text was for me? Hearing the results of my pancreas biopsy caused you to want to lick me?”

    Him: “I do believe that.” I am in XYZ with my wife babysitting XYZ for the weekend.” (Divert the toddler by changing the subject STAT!!!!)

    Me: “You are so stupid. You were texting your lover and accidentally texted me not realizing my text had just come in.”

    After that exchange he face timed me immediately for the biggest display of damage control ever presented to me. The face time was so I could not only hear him but see him and all his sincerity. I stayed. It wasn’t so much that he convinced me that there was no lover, I knew there was. It was because he was trying so hard to recover from that fiasco that I decided in my denial that he loved me.

    1. Isn’t it amazing how we made excuses for them, not only to ourselves, but to others? I made excuses for him constantly. What an idiot I was.

      1. I get it. I made every excuse in the book. He could’ve yelled “I’m cheating on you, you moron” to my face and I would’ve come up with some reason to stay.

    2. Oh, my ex did something similar – sent me a text saying “I love you Anila” (not my name). When I asked him who Anila was his first response was to claim I had sent that to myself (from his phone that was with him m???) and then when he realized how stupid that sounded, he claimed he had meant to write “and only you” but his phone had autocorrected it to Anila. That was the day I permanently moved into our kids’ room and no longer gave one tiny little fuck what he did.

      1. What he did is in no way funny but it did make me laugh. You sent it to yourself? Auto-correct? That is amazing. At least you didn’t stay.

      2. I sent him a text to wish him happy birthday with ♥ and 💋 emojis. He replied ” thank you sweetheart, nice balloon by the way 😀. ” I replied “I hope her ‘balloons’ made your day” he came back with “when opened your text there were balloons 🎈”. Yeah right! Should have asked him to send a screen shot of my text.

        On occasions he has put Xs at the end of a text when instead of ♥ and 💋 like normal. Not sure whether that was deliberate. Of course he signs off with Xs to her.

  26. You forgot to add…Became infected with an STD!!! After 8 years, I had an STD that I had to go to the doctor and get treatment. I had caught him with text messages about 3 months prior, from his ex-girlfriend who needed “closure.” It was a bad moment, but only one of many more.

    1. Oh yeah… I forgot about that one! That was another way I found out about one of his affairs … when I wound up in the hospital because my water broke when I was 5 months pregnant. Turns out I had a sexually transmitted bacterial infection – thank goodness nothing worse or permanent – but it almost cost me the life of my second child.

  27. It was his ‘GodFather’ (narc himself) and his brother who told me he was cheating financially. He had tens of thousands of dollars stashed away!! The bank statements were being sent to his fathers place! Of course, the tHiNg denied…..

  28. First, let me apologize, but this is going to be long, this post really sparked some memories and reminded me of some nagging questions I have had. I didn’t vote because None of the options matched my experience for the first time my ex husband cheated, but many of them matched subsequent times (with other people). The first time, I was at home on a Saturday night with my two year old son, and he was out with a friend. I was ironing and watching TV at the same time. And I literally heard an audible voice – not my own – but I don’t know if it was in my head or what – tell me “go check in the side pocket of his work bag and you will find a letter from another woman”. I did exactly as the voice said and found exactly that. I had met the girl in question before before. She was ugly, wall eyed and strange, and it never occurred to me that he would sleep with her. But she was obsessed with him and gave him plenty of fuel for years, though they never slept together again. Discovery of Subsequent cheating incidents involved text messages, email messages, and my favorite, someone telling me he had a whole other family with some woman he was passing off as his wife in his home town. He’s still with her, though last I heard he still wouldn’t marry her, and she makes the ugly chick he first cheated with look like Miss America, which brings me to a question I have, what kind of narcissist goes for ugly women? I was / am not ugly, in fact though I cringe saying it, I was someone many people thought to be beautiful, and he would get angry because other men gave me a lot of attention, including very wealthy and powerful men. He would try to turn my looks into something negative, and my education (which is far better than his) too. He seems content now with an obese loser who dresses like a slob, and might not have even finished high school. (His inferior). I am sure he was a narcissist, but the bit about going for ugly women confuses me about him.

    1. K, it is all about the fuel. They don’t care if s(he) is a toothless hag, as long as the fuel is fresh and forthcoming. Sorry about what happened during your pregnancy. That was very upsetting to read and makes you realize how dangerous narcissists are. I am happy that you and the baby are ok. I like your name BTW.

    2. The somatic I knew didn’t go for ugly women, but dumb ones with kids out of wedlock and no education. I never dated him, but he seemed to prefer ‘mousy’ looking girls. His ex-wife, ex fling and current bimbo are all mousy and insecure.

      I am not mousy and nor am I dumb, (it was obvious I was intellectually superior to him) but I was emotionally gullible, so I absorbed his bullshit. Plus he was really hot. My shallowness overtook me!

      I asked a coworker what he would think of the somatic’s current gf: nothing special looking–just ok, under 25 with three kids by three different dads, no college education, no ambition, boring interests, can’t spell, etc.

      My co-worker, who is an attractive male in his late 20s, ambitious, educated, active, empathetic and strives for self-improvement and hard work said, ‘I wouldn’t even talk to her.’

      So that answered it. The somatic knows that no guy of respectable worth would go for her. She is, in a sense, stuck. He gets regular fuel, while she hangs on his every word. Meanwhile, he prowls about on dating sites, finding girls to message, the way he messaged me.

    3. Dear K,
      Same same …. my friends ex lady n ex wife were no oil paintings …. not attractive at all …. I would say his current lady will be of the same ilk .. but neither is he, short and fat …. haha
      So it goes without saying and as Mr Tudor reiterates constantly .. it’s all about fuel and nothing else !

      1. Hello Sillyolperson
        It is quite interesting to see the choices they make and after being here it all makes sense why they choose an unattractive, unkempt woman, or man, with 3 children by three different fathers/mothers.
        The mystery has been solved. Fuel.

    4. Don’t be confused, K. Some do it bc they want to feel superior. They also believe it is easier to secure a person who is inferior to them in certain aspects-looks, education etc. This is often the person they marry.

      1. K I like your name too 😄.

        M He married me not the unattractive ones, but he needs their fuel desperately. I was his superior in every way (I am not saying that out of conceit as I have a very hard time praising myself, and I am saying that only now looking back but that is not how I treated him or saw him at the time), I was naive and sheltered and shy, which is how I guess he got to me, but He has stuck in a non married domestic partnership with this giant angry looking mannish woman for years since me, though he won’t marry her. I am guessing it is an added measure to make her feel less in control and Give her something to always desperately hope for. It’s a huge disgrace in her religion and culture to be living with someone and giving birth to a child out of wedlock. In fact their religion absolves men of all financial responsibility for illegitimate children, plus it is highly unlikely that she thinks she can find someone”better” than him and with her negligible self supporting skills she needs to stick with someone who earns a paycheck. I think he also used to use the specter of me to make her feel even worse. He once told me that “she feels intimidated by you” but since we’ve never met I found that weird so I asked why and he said “because she knows you are really smart and beautiful” – so I can only think he’s bullshitting or he has been the one telling her that and using me to make her feel not good enough. And I wouldn’t put that past him. Mind you, I have no sympathy for her as she’s a right royal cow… Based on later interactions I had with her.

      2. Hello M
        Your comment has merit. My MMRN targeted a teen-aged boy and one of the reasons, I think, was because he could have absolute control over him, and he does. My MMRN belittled his clothing, hair style and the boy’s parents behind this his back, so it is very clear that my MMRN feels superior. Good luck to them if they get married!

      3. Exactly what he did. Always made sure I had a job and money. I gave him money.
        Then he marries a woman with no education. No job. No money. From another country. A green card. Not even a drivers license.
        He felt superior to her. She looked at him as her knight in shining armor. Thing is he also is in trouble financially now. He had to downsize. Sell the home for a fix it upper. Give up the Passat.
        Sucks to be him. He’s bored with her now. Tired of supporting her. He’s probably tapped her dry emotionally like he did me.

  29. Fake fb profiles with women ‘in a relationship’ with him..all at the same time.. he is such a busy sly, lying mid ranger..

    1. Omg unbelievable . Mine had planned meetups with several women on words with friends . Females wanting to fly him across country . No joke . Sexually explicit texting with over 40 women at one time they all throught they were the only one .

  30. We were sitting in his kitchen, taking a break while remodeling the bathroom (complete gut & Reno). His phone is sitting between us & we are watching a YouTube video on plumbing. It’s about 9pm. He gets a text from “Kevin” lamenting that they won’t be able to “drunk sext him any longer now that he has “started” dating someone.” We had been in a committed relationship for about 9 months at that time.

    He tried to claim it was one of his employees, dialing the wrong number. So I told him to tell “Kevin” to FaceTime him. He argues and begs me not to make him do that, begs me to “just trust him” – even tries the blame shift bs. I told him I was walking if he didn’t and his ONLY chance of me not walking and slicing his nuts off was to stop insulting me and give me the respect he had obviously been denying me.

    So he sends the text and “Kevin” says “ok, give me 5 mins to get my iPad!” Then he calls and there’s a redhead.

    She finds his Facebook, which is saturated with he and I, and forwards me every email between the two of them.

    Stupidly, I told him that if he did the same and they matched up, I would consider working it out. As they had not actually seen each other in 5 months. He had just kept her stringing along and they had never been intimate. She was just there to give, as I now know, fuel.

    So, after a couple of week hiatus, I signed on for another 3.5 years of bs & abuse.

    ANY other man and I’d have walked when I saw the text. No ifs ands or buts. But he was a “widower” and played the “grief” card often. So often I started making the excuses before he could.

    So damn irritating as I am far more intelligent than all that!

  31. He posted a picture on FB with his new girlfriend. Shock doesn’t even come close to describing that one!

    1. He never wanted me to post any pics of him due to working for feds. Then he marries quickly someone else and pics up everywhere.

  32. We women always sense such things. It is our nature. We even don’t need the “concrete evidences” to know the truth. We know it and dot.

    1. My Grandpatrinarc (according to my grandma opinion) never cheated on her. No wonder why. He was all into his war for power and control with a Big World. He considered women as a distraction from his goals.

    2. My second husband is the same. I’ve never sensed anything “wrong” in him. He doesn’t show any interest to other women. He isn’t a porn fan. He isn’t into sex in general. His devices are always open (if I’m at home, he often calls me from work and asks to turn his PC on, find the certain file and send it to his e-mail). He never texts to anyone suspicious. He never talks to anyone suspicious. He rarely goes out. He doesn’t like to spend his time without me. He likes to work at home (to write his books and articles) and have me near him just sitting or reading or doing something else. He controls my whereabouts and health status mostly. He calls me every hour (I’m ill now and sitting at home for whole week, so he calls me every 30 mins from work or when he is on his way to home – what if I die suddenly? – paranoia). So, he is “clean”.

    3. My first husband (friend with benefits) was a King of Cheating. He did it shamelessly and openly. I knew all of his “official” mistresses. Moreover, they all ended up crying on my shoulder telling me what the bastard he is. He was openly into porn and his room was full of women’s “trophies”. I didn’t care about anything, aside of STD’s. Knowing his promiscuous behaviour, I forced him to check his health every week (he obeyed) and I always protected myself.

    4. My cousin is the King of Cheating also. He does it covertly, albeit pretty clumsy. His all women finally discover the truth and he hides from them in his bolthole. Lol. To have a several affairs is a norm for him.

    5. My Patrinarc is another King of Cheating. He was like my first husband. He always did it shamelessly and openly. We all knew his “official” mistresses. It has always been one mistress per time. He wasn’t into porn, but he was into sex. He is into sex even now and he is 68 years old! Hugh Hefner. Lol.

    How do I feel about cheating? Calm. My grandmother once said to me “Always remember – no one belongs to us. Neither our husbands, nor our kids. Live your own life.”…

  33. I guess I’m one of the very few who never found out that/if he was cheating on me. He was always very possessive and acting out in rages of jealousy all the time, being paranoid about it all, letting me know in all sorts of ingenious ways that he could not even accept that I had a past, let alone any contact with exes or even with other men at all. It was really tiring spending so much time defending myself, afraid of the emotional hurt he could inflict on me at any time when he saw it fit. I guess there was never any time for me to wonder about what he was doing and I used to think that of course he wouldn’t cheat on me, what with his jealousy and all.. Now I know that this behaviour was a way of controlling me, exerting power, projecting, but I saw it then more as a projection for not being loved when he was a child, not trusting that anyone actually could love him. But he never ever triangulated me in any way and I never discovered any evidence of infidelity so I guess I won’t know..

    1. I totally relate to Cathrine’s comment.
      I could have written all that myself…totally Ditto.
      Spot on for me there.

      1. K,
        that’s interesting, I think mine might be an ULN too.. Always jealous, paranoia that got me quite scared a few times, bursting with anger and possessive.. He accused me of some really crazy things not realising how strange it all was. His favourite method of punishment was the silent treatment, he revelled in it, but then again and again loosing his temper instead.

      2. Cathrine
        I think you are right. Crazy accusations, silent treatment and losing his temper are definite signs of a ULN. Also, I read the comment below from persephoneascending1 and she wrote: not accepting that you had a past, let alone any contact with exes or even with other men at all. That describes my ULN to a T.

    2. Cathrine;

      He was always very possessive and acting out in rages of jealousy all the time, being paranoid about it all, letting me know in all sorts of ingenious ways that he could not even accept that I had a past, let alone any contact with exes or even with other men at all.

      This behavior tipped me off that he was seeing a very rich source of supply. It had to be my fault, I was acting like a cheater, or so he said.My thought on that was “Really!!? When would I have time for that!!?”


      1. Persephoneascending1,

        I recognize that. All I ever did in that relationship was defending myself against something I absolutely did not do. And the thing was of course that I spent so much time and energy trying to understand where all these accusations were coming from I made him the centre of my world. Thinking that an intelligent grown up man could not make such paranoid accusations without reason I always tried to find what I was doing wrong to set this strange behaviour off. In the end I put it down to his stress at work, a few drinks too many, his insecurities, his childhood. It was a revelation to me when my therapist told me later that of course he had a history of jealousy, but she didn’t think that all these strange occasions were due to anything real at all, that he just felt he was loosing control over me and needed the attention, the fuel, to exert his power. That must have been the most hurtful thing ever for me, realising that it wasn’t even about what I thought it was about, jealousy. That the cognitive reason I tried to find would never be there in the sense that I could identify it and make it right. All the fights, all the tears. And probably he didn’t believe it himself.

      2. Looking back I realise too that many of these raging flares of jealousy that resulted in me crying, begging him to believe me, declaring my love for him were preceded by some events that he probably felt was about him loosing some of his power over me. Like me going away for a few days with my sister, like him having worked a lot not having had the time to control me, me not being attentive enough. But he rarely started these fights in direct connection to the event itself and I was therefore not able to really connect the dots then and there.

    3. Catherine,

      I too had to defend myself and prove my fidelity, which was probably projection. I’ve just realized now, 15 years later that my Nex-husband cheated on me. Of course, I also just recently realized that he is a Narcissist. HG confirmed that he would have been cheating, during a consultation. Now as I think back, I can remember 2 incidents that made no sense and now reveal his infidelity. It’s as if he struck a last blow, so many years later! Still, I kicked him out and divorced him and have been no contact for 15 years! There are no winners, only survivors!

      1. Cathrine and Kimi,

        I do try to remember that old saying that probably applies best when when we have tangled with a narcissist;

        Living well is the best revenge.

        It wounds them when they think our life is happy without them.
        And it will be many levels better when we no longer have to engage with them.

      2. Perse
        You are very right, living well is the best revenge. And it not only wounds narcs, but if they’re smart it makes them stop and rethink their strategies. With my narcs the less they can control me, the better they treat me. I think learning how to be independently happy in my own self has been the key to dealing with all my family narcs. When I took back my power from their control, they just became minor annoyances that I could deal with.

      3. Kimi,

        Good for you! You do sound like a survivor. But I do understand that it was hurtful to find out now that he cheated all those years ago. I’m not sure I want to know now, or maybe I do. I have this absolute and holy need for justice; and when he accused me of infidelity on paranoid grounds he of course knew what he was doing, nothing could fuel him more, except maybe the silent treatments that followed the accusations. I went totally wild with this immediate need for things to be cleared between us and for me to be declared innocent. Of course nothing of the sort ever occurred. He just deflected, refused responsibility for his accusations, focused on something else he thought I was doing wrong. Malicious behaviour!! I’m glad the bastard is out of my life.

  34. My friend sent me screenshots of the messages he was sending her saying he wanted to cover her in nutella and bite her then I found his posts in dating groups on Facebook saying he was single

      1. Lol he used the same line on me too and I happen to hate Nutella always have I want to spit on it it now when I pass it in the grocery store

  35. When it was holiday time, I thought we were going to spend them together. I wrote him a long text telling him how excited I was and what our plans were.
    He answered back that he had met someone else and since I was so big on honesty, that he should tell me.
    I spent my holidays alone, but I was so trauma bonded that I waited for him. Then he did it again.

  36. None of the above. I just knew. I always knew. I was with him for 30 years. He would start acting different when he had somebody else.

  37. He spent five days texting ‘his friend’ whilst I worked hard sorting out his flat. He would go to the toilet for 20 mins at a time about 6 times a day. One evening he said he was helping a friend move, he turned his phone off, that’s when I knew he was with another woman, I called him on his bulls**t and he confesses all, now he has disowned me and can’t see what he did wrong!!

      1. The reason I commented was because my MMRN did the same thing. he would be in the bathroom for 40 minutes at a time ignoring his daughter. Fuel junkies!

      2. Yeah! My Moron in Munich never did understand that I could tell not only if he was online, but that he wasn’t in our text thread so he had to be talking to someone else.

    1. Dear mariabarver29,
      I was “friends only” with my narc, never had sex or anything, (never wanted to) however, he would go to the bathroom minimum of 4 times ( in a hour ) 10 mins each time whilst I was visiting having coffee ….. always with his phone! I used to question if all was ok ! Always came out happy and hair combed. As I was leaving, he’d follow me out, all preened to go to the shop ….. he said , yeah right ! I asked if he was meeting a lady, he admitted nothing! I didn’t really care, but why not just be honest ? They’re all slimy, sneaky critters, they tell you nothing!
      Ps … my friend always volunteered to either help someone move or paint their house, always optimist for fuel, I guess !

      1. My apologies for the mistake in your name, my auto correct gives me the heebies ….mariabarber29

    2. The long bathroom breaks and helping friends move and fix their leaky faucets sounds about right. He was always so helpful to others and telling me not to call during that time. Way too busy for me.

  38. I Never find out, I know he cheated but I never got confirmation or any complete proof of it.. but I know he did, that’s what they do……

  39. I found a suspicious number and when questioned, he immediately told me all about it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, (apparently every ones at it…..except me!!!!) He expected me to deal and live with it and carry on as normal…..well you know what I mean, a narc normal!………I just listened, I said very little other than asking a few more questions. He mistook my calmness and quietness as me being submissive and understanding of his predicament…….hey you can love more than one person right????…I waited until he left the house and then I calmly called the number……now lets see if she agrees with his theory. My unusual behavior that day reminded me of when medics reach the scene of a bad incident and they are trained to ignore the ones screaming and shouting for help, but immediately focus their attention on the silent casualties, as those are often the ones that are the most badly wounded and injured……Diva

      1. Hi K…..I very calmly asked how she knew him……she said she was “just a friend”…..I said “I am guessing that you must be the same kind of friend as I am to him……are you 5 months pregnant too?”………There was silence so I carried on……..”isn’t it funny that although we are both such good friends to him, that we have never actually met and he has never mentioned you to me?”……..she put the phone down on me……I never rang her again…..she was as wounded as I was…….I took no pleasure from that call. You may ask why did I make the call when he had already told me……I did not learn anything new and I did not want to know any more……my logic at that particular time….I wished that I had got that same call myself, in the years prior…..Diva

      2. Holy shit, Diva!
        I am guessing that you must be the same kind of friend as I am to him……are you 5 months pregnant too?”………Wow. I completely understand why people need to call, write or reach out to the other wo(man). I did and I do not regret it at all. And I would welcome a warning call if I got one. K

    1. Diva, we are similar. When I found out about her and asked him I was cool. Not shouting or calling him names. Totally calm.

  40. My narc was insanely clever. I never would have believed that he would have cheated. One day last February I don’t know why but I just felt it. It sounds bizarre to explain it like that but I just felt it in my bones. I had no reason at the time to suspect it although looking back it was as clear as day. I didn’t have access to any of his emails or private goings on, so I started going through all of the computer data. Odd thing to do yes but I had to know. Sure enough, I found everything. Then to make sure I was actually looking at what I thought I was I hired forensic experts in computers to confirm and they did and I was relieved. Relieved because he claimed I was mental and lied like a cockroach every time I asked him or confronted him with the proof. Finally I knew that I was perfectly sound and he was the liar gaslighting me and that was that.

    How I thought to check the data which I knew nothing about before February is beyond even me. I like to think of it as a divine something higher than myself screaming at me to open my eyes before he broke me to a point that I wouldn’t have come back from. I now know not only about his dirty affairs but his financial abuse, fake Facebook accounts and zoosk accounts. He’s a dirty dog but I caught him.

    1. S, I am unable to have access to his computer and emails as well. Can you tell me how you were able to find a ‘forensic’ expert or someone to help me look at his emails? I really must know what’s going on.

      Or if anyone can tell me how to gain access to his email account without having proximity to his computer or knowledge of his passwords. please ~

      1. Actually, you do not need to know what is going on. If the individual is a narcissist, get out and stay out. I understand your need as truth seeker causes you to want to know what is going on, but all that will do is keep you emotionally invested. Your emotional thinking tells you to find out, but you do not need to.

      2. Lori I have friends that are computer technicians and they asked around and found the forensic expert that I used. I was pretty lucky but you can also google I imagine to search in your area. Just make sure that whoever you hire is legit and their findings and report are able to be used in court should it come to that for you. Good luck and don’t stress too much, even narcs make mistakes (although just saying that could ignite their fury) meaning if something is shady you’ll find it. Also don’t make the same mistake I did. Do not tell him even after you’ve found his mess. Don’t actively search for answers in front of him or let on that your upset or anything. I blatantly told my narc that I knew he was a liar and I was going to find it. The abuse on his part escalated to an all new high. Don’t put yourself through that. Do your everything in private. My narc was on high alert so I’m positive that he got rid of a ton. What can I say I was at the time uneducated and just to a point of intolerance. I soon after had the pleasure of having a talk with HG and he probably saved my life. My narc is dangerous and HG explained very clearly what I shouldn’t do. Since then I’m out, and just living my life. Healing and learning to enjoy myself and my freedom again! You got this girl! Take care 😘

      3. Thank you S, I appreciate your comments. Anything I do is totally private and not under his eye at all. I’m more the cool, calm headed one.. and the information is to reconcile things in my own head and my own world. Can you please tell me about your forensic expert? I have googled ‘hacker’s but I only found scam artists.. not the real thing at all. And do you know how they can be found on fake FB accounts?

    2. Wow! Sounds like same narc as I had. Zoosk and everything. I stay logged out of my fb now.
      I knew he was cheating when he wanted friends with benefits.
      Then 3 months later married someone else.

  41. I founded out in numerous ways and each time, usually due to him mentioning someone often and hinting at it, or obessively giving attention to someone on Social media. But the worst time was when he wrote an email that started off very sweet, that devolved into announcing his new girlfriend with photos attached.

  42. I picked ‘found text message’ and ‘caught him on phone to her’ as I was being cuddled by him and saw the text he just received from her, and which he proceeded to reply to. Seeing the text there was little doubt that he was having sex with her.

    I confronted him and told him to concentrate on her if he wanted to be with her rather than me. He said he was a shit and I could shout at him. I didn’t. Don’ t think he was too bothered either way, after all he had a shiny, new, exciting doll to play with.

    I still continued to see him even after finding out, in the hope that he would see my worth, that I could get him back.

  43. I could not participate in this poll. To the best of my knowledge my exhusband (engaged 4 yrs, married 30) never cheated on me. Certainly nothing ever came to light. I don’t think he’s even had a relationship with another woman in the 10 years we’ve been divorced.

    Now that said, I don’t acknowledge “emotional cheating.” We both have always loved to flirt and had close friendships with people of the opposite sex. But he never would have professed love to someone else or gotten physically involved, because he has a horror of emotional entanglements and the complications that can ensue with women who would complicate his life with their drama and expectations. I can’t imagine him trusting any woman to stay emotionally distant and not have expectations of him. Trust is not one of his characteristics.

  44. After watching my MMRN morph into a gay middle-aged-teen and watching him spend all his time with his “boyfriend” I got suspicious, but when he couldn’t keep his hands off of his “Twink” in front of me, then I felt that that was confirmation enough. Plus, he said, “I chose him over you because he is fun.”

  45. You missed one selection on that list HG – INTUITION !
    Not one thing but on an overall feeling that they were screwing someone else. I am astute, more so now than I have ever been.
    My ex narc hunts on FBook and you can spot his next target a mile off. A new name appears to like one of his pics and so you jump to their page. The most recent person to like and put flames emoji’s on ALL their prev profile pics is the narc! Yes…everytime. And so …..it starts all over again. One in, one out. #loser

      1. K
        That’s a great plural for us – an “intuition of empaths” – like a gaggle of geese or a herd of cattle.

    1. Debs, I agree that “intuition” should be a choice. I knew he was seeing someone else because his behavior changed and he started being evasive about where he’d been. This was confirmed a few weeks after he discarded me, when one of his family members saw him with this woman and told me. He didn’t work that fast! So I voted for “a friend or family member told me” — although I already knew.

    2. Debs, same here. Intuition-or careful observation. I felt ,almost from the start, that something was wrong. I just noticed the way he was acting and reacting in social media, combined it with strange attitudes, lies, stupid mind games and sudden, short disappearances and I knew. One of his dozen stories was revealed to me by a friend (this is what I voted). And then, the lady in question talked to me. She stayed, I left, but some months later I gave a second chance –a huge mistake, for which I haven’t yet forgiven myself. Never give them a second chance, if you cannot stand the fact that they are serial cheaters.

      1. M. — forgive your self for being good, honest, decent, loving and caring. you gave another chance. i am not a fan of the word forgive. BUT i use it a lot and am hostage to it often. so if one must do this whole “cannot forgive” drama then put it on him. they deserve it. the flagellation and whatnot. shirk it off as if it were one of their responsibilities. it hurts to read what others do that i do. thank you for the opportunity to see my self in the same light i am seeing you.

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