A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 28

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -Y'S LETTER

Dear X,

I miss you. It hurts. I left you. But it was like leaving a sepulcher. I miss that tomb. Like a womb. You. The regime. Knowing my place. Not knowing my place. The unexpected. Expecting it. Shocked by it. Numbed by it. Soothed by it. The regime. The blame. The fear. And the guilt. You gave me a reason to feel it. Be it. Taste it. Believe it. Become it.

Now I simply doubt myself. My thoughts. My actions. My inactions.  No regime. Constant swirl of enmity turned inward. Your reign obliterated my own primal fears and comforted me in the blanket of yours. All wrapped up snug. Like a tomb. 

I love. I live. I die without you. I died with you. Where were you. Lying next to me. Where are you. Now. Absent yet present. Who are you (with) now. Are they good enough? 

I wish you were here. I wish we were us. I wish it were real. The truth hurts. I want it to be my fault so I can fix it. Us. You. 

Logic stabs my heart and says no. Stay NC. GOSO. New stuff I’ve learned. Wish I could tell you. They don’t replace our inside jokes, fun, familiarity, security, bond or womb like tomb. Not even close. 

But you are the enemy. They say. Whom I love and yet committed treason to. I know. So I can’t tell you. 

One day I will be ok, they say. They only used to be you. I don’t know who they are and I certainly wish I cared about or believed they as implicitly as I did you. 

Yours forever & never,

Y.

40 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 28

  1. Tappan Zee says:

    It is my letter.

    1. K says:

      TZ
      Well, if you are Y then you will love the poem, at least I hope you do. It is a beautiful poem. Poe was a drunk so he may have been a narc. Andy Warhol was a narc and I love some of his art.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        K: fan of warhol, yes.

        1. K says:

          Absolutely, and Lichtenstein, too. I like the way he uses Benday dots in his paintings.

  2. K says:

    Y
    Your letter reminds me of a poem by Edgar Allen Poe titled: Annabel Lee. You can feel the strength of the love in Poe’s words and the heartbreak at the loss of the “beautiful Annabel Lee”. Your letter mirrors that love and loss exceptionally well and I feel its acuity. Your love was stolen by a ruthless and unfathomable disorder which, I think, is crueler than death, and we must bury a part of ourselves so we can survive. “I wish you were here. I wish we were us.” I understand your words very well.

    And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
    Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
    In her sepulchre there by the sea—
    In her tomb by the sounding sea. – Poe

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      K—i’ve never read that by poe. itnis true. every thing has been said before. nothing under the sun is new.

      1. K says:

        TZ
        Annabel Lee is one of my favorite poems and when I read Y’s letter I immediately thought of it. If I remember correctly, I think I read here that it is difficult to own words and that is so true.

    2. rammash says:

      Imagine creating a channel on You Tube telling stories on how you suffered the NPD husbands and family, naming yourself AnnabelLee, because you are fan of Edgar Allen Poe and that poem.
      Who is the narcissist?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Whilst I don’t know that individual, I would say that there are plenty of narcissists who have YouTube channels claiming to be the victim and so many people do not see it.

      2. narc affair says:

        Im glad we learned about victim narcissists bc ive seen many since. Even so called life coaches…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct. I have your other comment re the video NA (so I will remove the duplicate) I watched and made a few notes, so just need to add those in to my reply.

      3. narc affair says:

        Thx so much HG!

      4. K says:

        We do have a victim here named Anna Belle Black but I think she is the real deal. I am not an expert like HG but I am getting “it”.

        Before I came here I watched Kim Wilson, Scott Bassett, Sam Vaknin (narc) and Grannon (?). Kim mentioned you, HG, and Vaknin in one of her videos. I thought Kim and Scott seemed like true victims.

  3. Laura says:

    I have lived all of these emotions and this is spot on. This says everything perfectly.

  4. Miss Swain says:

    Your letter binds us together as survivors and we can all relate to feeling like this. Solace is found in the darkness of your words because every readers pain is interwoven; ultimately we have all experienced the same anguish. You captured perfectly the chaos, trauma and utter dysfunction that underpins narc abuse. The wonderful thing is that the publication of these letters vindicates, unites and heals us. We no longer suffer alone and the tomb becomes a springboard to personal freedom. Thank you for sharing x

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Miss Swain– i like the idea of this bind. chaos, trauma and utter dysfunction.. mine, ours, theirs. yep. </3

  5. Another Cara says:

    I want it to be my fault so I can fix it. Us. You.

    Wow! That one spoke to me. Captures perfectly how I operate. Thank you for writing this.

    Stay strong and take care of yourself. It will get better.

  6. Mercy says:

    Love this ❤ You nailed it!!

  7. Peaceful says:

    Y, so well written. You captured the black and white from our perspective. So poetic! I relate on a very deep level.
    Peaceful

  8. Mona says:

    “Your reign obliterated my own primal fears and comforted me in the blanket of yours. All wrapped up snug. Like a tomb. ”

    This is hard and is one of the key sentences, why so many stay too long with these kind of men.

    They give us the feeling of emotional security at first. That was what we missed so much from childhood on. They lead us deep to our childhood feelings and we feel like little children but this time very happy children.
    We grow through this love first. They give us the feeling to be a whole, valuable and lovable individual. Safe and secure.

    And then we have to learn that we were conned again. It was all a big show to help him to feel good. No promise was true. We have to bury our childhood dream again.

    This is very bitter and hard to accept. We have to learn to accept the loss of love (our love) and we have to go through the bitter childhood feelings again. He only repeated the same drama again. We are traumatised again.

    But then – after a while – we are able to learn that nothing was true in childhood – no sentence about us was true – and we learn to heal our childhood wounds ourselves. We have to go deep down to our primal fears and feel them again and look at them with adult eyes. We start to see all the fakes of our childhood. Something inside of us changes. We change. It is a long way, but we change if we use that chance.

    Then again – it takes time – we look at this “love” to him with other eyes. We start to realise all his fractures – all his contradictions – all his nastiness- all his lacks. He was not what he promised and he was not what we deserved or wanted. Then suddenly the inner attachment is gone. We look at him with adult eyes.

    Over.

    Y, your letter is heart breaking. I see all your pain, your inner fight, your confusion.

    I wish you the very best on your way of healing…

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Mona—great takeaway!

    2. narc affair says:

      Mona…your reply is so bang on! This is the very essence of ensnarement and later healing and learning. Its not an easy road but worthwhile. I find it really helps to talk to survivors who made it out and are happy again. Its very motivating and gives hope.

  9. DebbieWolf says:

    Wow.
    Perfect letter. Very good.
    The truthseeker’s heartbreaking discoveries.
    This is what lies at the end of that fake rainbow …
    💔

  10. narc affair says:

    I died without you. I died with you…never a truer statement! I love the analogy of a tomb and being snug. Its snug but its death and you become stagnant going thru the narcissistic regime. Its predictable yet unpredictable. No growth can come out of a relationship other than personal growth. It really is a go nowhere situation except round and round til you jump off. Is it a codependant womb or a deathly tomb. It depends what point youre at in the relationship but ends up at the same place which is a dead end and emptiness.
    Great letter and it really personifies a narcissistic relationship.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      N|AFFAIR— Is it a codependant womb or a deathly tomb. (Yes. The answer is yes. Compound question. Both.)

      1. Jenna says:

        TZ, is this ur letter? The writing style seems similar to urs. U need not answer if u do not wish to.

  11. Drneene says:

    Wow, another powerful letter. This is exactly what it’s like. I am always amazed how similar we all are, and how unpredictable narcs really are after all.. I thought I was the only one lost and confused.. turns out, no…

  12. Kim michaud says:

    I relate so much to this in every way

  13. You have perfectly captured the chaos of feelings and thoughts that are the relationship with a narcissist. It feels more personal than I wish to think about

    You left. So you know you don’t want what that relationship was.

    We grieve what we thought we had. We need to remember what it really was and know we don’t want that.

    Your heart will come out of the womb/tomb alive if you will let your head lead it. You see that.

    I wish that for you. The difference between then and now.

    It does get better. Much better.

  14. Shannon says:

    This is me right now.

  15. Carmen says:

    That was me all last year!

  16. E. B. says:

    Very touching. Feeling the pain and grieving a relationship that could never be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Y.

  17. Victoria says:

    Very well expressed through extreme ironies. Exactly my life for 6 years. I love the yours forever and never…been 5 months since I left narcville. I know I still got a long way to go but your letter explains every emotions I have post escape. Thank you!

  18. Star says:

    This is a beautiful and powerful letter. It so profoundly brings me back to a time and place that I felt I would remain forever. You will heal and you will be more whole than you ever thought possible:)

  19. Ellen says:

    I agree Windstorm2. There is much pain and confusion. I believe it is called cognitive dissonance. Why, HG, does the pain and desire still last even though we have the cognitive understanding of just how F’d up our situation was/is? It is almost the more I come to understand, the more hurt I feel.

    1. Sophia says:

      It goes way deeper than the narcissist. Think back to an earlier stage in life, does it remind you of that dynamic? It felt like home for me. We have to heal the pain we had that made us vulnerable in the first place. Best wishes.

      1. Cathrine says:

        Ellen and Sophia,

        It felt like home to me too, the only kind of love I have ever known. So sad. But understanding helps in the long run, it just takes a lot of work and healing. I’m certainly not there yet, but I hope to be one day.

        I recognise the utter confusion in your letter Y, a great portrayal of life with a narcissist. Thank you.

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        Sophia

        It goes way deeper than the narcissist. Think back to an earlier stage in life, does it remind you of that dynamic? YASSSs

        It felt like home for me. UHHUH

        We have to heal the pain we had that made us vulnerable in the first place. EXACTLY

        ^100%

  20. Windstorm2 says:

    “I wish we were us. I wish it were real. The truth hurts. I want it to be my fault so I can fix it.”
    “One day I will be ok, they say.”…”Now I simply doubt myself.” “Yours forever and never.”

    These lines are very powerful to me. You capture very well the pain and confusion of trying to understand and love a narc. Great letter.

    1. Cookie says:

      This is me now… I still miss him so the pain continues even in my knowelege of freedom. They say everything happens for a reason, but they never gave the reason for this.

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