In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

95 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Pam says:

    HG, my ex discarded me 6 months ago and is now living with my ex friend. We all used to hang out together but he said he would never be into a woman like her. We were together for three years. They lived together for about 7 months I think. No real hoover. A week after the discard he called me but that was it. Why am I not good enough to hoover

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is still in the golden period so there is no need.

      1. GH says:

        Thank you! But how long can that last? I thought he would have been tired of her by now? Do you think that though he has never been married and is 42 that he might actually marry her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The golden period with an IPPS might be just three months, it could be a few years. It depends on various factors. It is usually somewhere between 6-18 months.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      PAM— wtf. you’re better than a gd hoover. get out stay. not get out until we are good enuf to hoover, ugg but i get the disordered mind & heart.

  2. RJ says:

    I was that tasty mmm mmm good creamy strawberry ice-cream. I got consumed time and time again. Worse thing is when you surprisingly find out they are eating out of another bowl or cone and you see that what is being served is not very appetizing and steaming engorged with flies. Its not even close to the good tasty stuff you were serving. You can’t even stop them from eating Shit flavoured ice cream if it gets them their fuel, even while you are still offering the good stuff with sprinkles, syrup and nuts. Let them eat it then. After all you are what you eat. Ben and Jerry’s doesn’t makes that flavor(I hope) but lots of people are their own personal ice-cream maker and flavor it by proxy. Now I want literal strawberry ice cream! Dammit

  3. HG Tudor
    October 26, 2017 at 1:59 pm

    Would it be fair to say he is big in japan?

    Ah, HG! So you have been scrolling through my playlists?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Aha, you got the reference too.

  4. Pet says:

    Wowww…. I am so glad that I came across this… this has been like reading my life… and I so badly wanted to contact him… Until I read this…

    1. Colleen says:

      I was engaged to a narc the beginning was beautiful. Showered me with flowers diamond s. Spoiled the hell out of me. I felt like a princess. Then changes happened. I lost all of my friends. He wantef me to be with and no one else. I found myself with no one but him. Then the lies the manipulation the drug use. I kept hanging in there fir 3 years. He would dissapear then i would take him back over and over again. He finally left just in August. I am a wreck. Cant sleep cant eat. He used all of my sources up. I cant get him off of my mind. I text him he wont reply. I am emotionally a wreck. Please advise. My heart is broken

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello Colleen, I suggest you organise a consultation with me.

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        COLLEEN— been there. still there at times. consult HG. he is safe. he knows their kind (and ours) better than we do. he is not the enemy. but he knows it. both in his brethren and in our own ET. you won’t regret it. even though it is weird and scary and ya all that. reach out.

      3. Twilight says:


        I would advise a consult with HG either by email or audio. He listens and gives accurate advice on how to handle any situation. He is our best alli here against that which walks amongst us.
        I also would advise hanging around reading his books and this blog. You will find many answers you search for and support from the many here.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Twilight.

      4. Yolo says:


        If you are interested in consult but are unable to at this time please advise.

        When they discard us and go no contact it provide us with an opportunity to heal. It’s easy to maintain no contact when they will not respond to our messages or calls. When we ignore and disregard their feelings our healing process begins. Be strong, give your love to someone who needs and deserve it at this moment. YOURSELF..

        Peace and Healing

  5. Erin says:

    This was so sad to read.

  6. Lebey3115 says:

    I have a question about narcissists and sleep. The narcs and sociopaths ive known dont sleep much. They can go on 4 hours of sleep. Do you sleep much? Is there a reason narcs dont sleep much?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I sleep around 4 hours a night. I do not need more. There is too much to do.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        But HG don’t you ever feel tired? I could maybe do that briefly if necessary but I could never keep that up I need more sleep than that… plus it keeps you younger if you get plenty of sleep!
        Perhaps it is emotions that drain a person and make them tired?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I get tired at times, yes, I need some sleep, just not much of it.

      2. Noname says:

        4 hours… That’s not enough, Tudor. Not enough.

        I understand perfectly why. It is a sign of “hyperactivated” brain you all narcy guys have.

        My husband sleeps for 6-7 hours now like a baby. At the beginning it was a “ritual” – warm bath with dimed light, general relaxing massage, hot milk with a honey and “go to bed immediately”. He started to sleep for 4.5-5 hours. When the behavioral changes began (results of the self-work), he started to sleep for 6-7 hours. Sometimes, he sleeps more, 8-9 hours.

        He became more calm and serene, more productive, but he says that it isn’t because of prolonged sleep effect, it is me who does it to him. Maybe. Lol.

      3. Do you take naps?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No SW, they are for babies and pensioners.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            My middle son is in Japan for a year. He says everyone has a cot in their office so they can take naps when they are tired. Of course, they also are not allowed to leave work until all their work assigned to them for that day is completed……
            Sometimes they spend the night at work. At his company there is no such thing as missing a deadline.
            That thinking is incomprehensible to an American. We put everything off. That’s what tomorrow is for.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Would it be fair to say he is big in japan?

          3. Windstorm2 says:

            Ha, ha! He’s big most places except a basketball court! Physically he’s much like my father, tall and broad shouldered – 6’1″, blonde with a red beard he got from his dad. Looks like a Viking. He’s the stereotypical “gaijin” in Japanese – a barbarian. 😄

          4. Well, I’m neither of those and sometimes I find a nap to be almost delicious. 🙂

      4. narc affair says:

        I guess im an old fogey lol i love my catnaps and need them early evening. I dont always get them being as busy as i am. I try to get in as much sleep as possible. Im very health conscious and try to look after myself the best i can. The narc abuse has really interferred with this especially where sleep is concerned. Stress is exhausting and wears the adrenals and thyroid out. Sleep and rest can counteract that. Even resting and meditating can help rejuvenate the body.

        Windstorm…i think every workplace should offer a naptime where people can regenerate. Were meant to sleep or nap every 8 to 12 hrs. Imagine how much more productive people would be and the morale improved. The only problem would be waking some up 😄 i think mexico does this as well.
        Nowadays we literally treat our bodies like robots. Some working 2 or 3 jobs and no downtime. So unhealthy.

      5. “Would it be fair to say he’s big in Japan ?”

        He also might be Forever Young 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          At least somebody understood the remark SW!

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            Hey, I got it, too! Hence the “Ha, ha!” Much does fly over my head, but occasionally I do grab one! 😄

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I see that you did WS2.

    2. narc affair says:

      My narcs the same way he can go all night not sleeping. Im making it a goal to get at least 6 hrs a night. The most important hours are btween 10pm and 2am when the body makes its hormones abd repairs.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I don’t think I have ever been asleep before midnight as an adult.

      2. narc affair says:

        Its not easy to do as adults bc as pointed out we are too busy. Sleep becomes an inconvenience. It has to be a conscious effort. Ive noticed since making small changes to my sleep schedule i feel so different the next day.

      3. Erin says:

        I try to sleep a MINIMUM of 71/2 hours a night, usually 8. I used to be a night owl but after forcing myself to sleep I now find I’m far more relaxed, emotionally stable and healthier. I would be sooo cranky if I didn’t sleep now! A narc would get too much negative fuel to handle if he tried to curtail my sleep, ahah.

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi erin…im a night owl too and for years worked night shifts but it did a number on my health. Lack of sleep will shave 10 years off your life. It ages. Sleep is crucial bc it allows the body to regenerate its dna and heal. The last 7 yrs ive not been getting my proper sleep and im taking steps to correcting that. I notice since doing this the last few months i feel so different and like youd mentioned emotionally more stable. Even my skin has a more youthful glow. Sleep deprivation ages the bodys cells and lowers your immune system.
        Id read a study years ago about animals near cities where lights were on 24/7 and these animals developed diseases and cancer being one of them. The darkness is important too when sleeping.

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Welcome to ADHD life lmao. That delayed sleep onset will get ya everytime lol. Of course I have no one to talk to late at night because everyone’s asleep lol! It’s unfortunate.

      6. Noname says:

        I’m a night owl also. Always been. I rarely go to sleep before 1 am. When I have a vacation, I go to sleep at 3 am.

        Our life’s rhythm is not “friendly” for a night owls. Thank goodness, I have a possibility to organize my work’s schedule according to my sleep habbit, so I don’t operate like a zombie at work. Lol.

        My guys are relatively morning birds, so the night is my personal time. Silence. I like to read, think, write or just sit on my balcony doing nothing, smoking and watching the dark street. Perfect.

      7. jenna says:

        Strange. Everyone is stating narcs don’t need much sleep. My ex mid slept like a baby for 10-11 hrs on holidays.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Probably the only way he could get some peace!

          1. jenna says:

            Omg r u implying i used to bug him alot?!!!

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. jenna says:

            U R SO MEAN!

        2. Windstorm2 says:

          My exhusband has always slept a minimum of 7-8 hours

  7. Amy says:

    Ew screams my ex. Thanks for setting things straight. It drove me insane when he changed. Things were so good at first. Almost perfect. Then a flip switched and I could see him slipping. You try to remain that special person. I would ask all the time, what’s wrong? Why are you different? Did I do something? No. He just needed a reaction out of me. It was never me and he’s pathetic.

  8. Lori says:

    Do you like yourself?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have an excellent conceit of myself, yes.

      1. Erin says:

        It’s interesting that you chose the word “conceit”, it reveals quite a bit of introspection, I think.

      2. Lori says:

        Oh HG, cute answer ~ I anticipated as much… very cute.

        Let me ask it in another way… would you be friends with You? Do you truly ‘like’ yourself? Do you find enough likeable qualities within You that you would be happy to hang out with yourself?

        And would you be comfortable alone (with yourself)? … for any length of time. Have you ever been alone for very long.. without a woman to feed you your attention, admiration. … without a woman at all?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I would be friends with myself. I am my best friend.

          I am alone all of the time.

          1. RS says:

            Me too…except on Saturday nights!!

          2. Lori says:

            Are you your only ‘real’ friend? Be honest, would you be friends with someone if they lied to you all the time and you never knew what was the truth with them… or if they berated you, and argued in circles with you, or they always expected you to pick up the check or clean up after them, treated you as an inferior, etc? All of the narc qualities – would you really be friends with someone who had a lot of them?

            Do your kind doctors ever ask you any of these types of questions?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            All of my friends are real, they are not imagined.
            No, you would not be friends with someone who behaved like that all of the time (although some people are) but I am not like that with all of my friends, they enjoy elongated golden periods, the occasional Corrective Devaluation but they deserve it and recognise they were in the wrong.
            Similar ones.

          4. Diva says:

            You just need to try being nice……shall I talk you through it????……Diva

      3. jenna says:

        “I am alone all of the time.”

        Wait, whaaattt? I thought u have ur ipps w u often? I thought u need that? Or ipss or dls or niss and the list goes on…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Work it out. ‘Attachment is the Seat of Misery’.

          1. Jenna says:

            Oh! I think i get it. U mean that u are alone all the time on the inside, ie. u attach to nobody, u r empty, hollow, the creature etc.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You got it – not attached.

      4. Erin says:

        truly, is a narcissist anything else but alone?

      5. Yolo says:

        When are you going to Florida? I know you will be in Miami. I have a few friends in Miami its beautiful and they love the night life there. One of my girlfriends just ask me to move there its a little too fast for me. I prefer more country/ suburban areas. I dont think I can live in another condo and big city filled with narcs. Narc Tank😊

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Next year.

  9. Cal says:

    What about open relationships with narcs? I am and was the strawberry ice cream, and she is sick of me now. But I still love her, and I wouldn’t care if she had a few sprinkles or different flavors on the side. I actually think I could live with that.

    Is that impossible? Or do narcs really just keep “hovering” and taking “fuel” by having someone hung up on them.

    I love my narc! And maybe, eventually, I would like another flavor ice cream on the side. Not yet for me, still figuring this shit out, but I don’t care if she does it now.

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      Awwww cat, keep reading this blog and read sex and the narcissist. It is just fuel to them, don’t even allow yourself to be used like that xxx

      You basically have to treat it like giving up an addiction. They’re like the human form of heroin !

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Hi Alexis.. long time.
        I dont think as complicated as heroin. They are a little addiction very very possible to beat. You just have to understand and heal yourself.

    2. K says:

      When you have a chance read the article below. Relationships with narcs are, for the most part, unhealthy. Some we can’t avoid, like family, but it is wiser to GOSO.

      1. Cal says:

        Good read, thanks K.

        Now that I suspect she’s a narc, though, I feel like I could stand the abuse. If she ever wanted to get back together, I would, knowing that she needs fuel, I can’t always be it and she might try to hurt me when she needs more. I’m okay with that, I have friends and can always rely on them if she starts to act hurtful.

        Narc or not(I don’t like to diagnose), she’s a person. A person that I fell in love with. She does feel, maybe not exactly like others, but she does. And who’s to say what’s healthy anyways? I think I taught her some empathy during our time together. And she taught me a lot too, narcs have some profound survival skills, for sure.

        I wouldn’t give her a third chance, I would definitely GOSO, but a second chance? Yea, I would.

  10. gabbanzobean says:

    I was that strawberry ice cream. Fucker got another sample of me about a week ago. Guess he is tired of the taste again already as I have been shelved to the back of the freezer (aka: silence).

    1. Sophia says:

      I’m sorry. It’s a long hard road letting go. I think we’ve chatted on here before. Mid-ranger, correct? How long have you been involved?

      1. Gabrielle says:

        Yup! Cerebral mid range. 20 months and counting. DLS. 😔

    2. K says:

      Ouch! Sorry gabbanzobean.

  11. Windstorm2 says:

    This has jogged my memory and brought some long-forgotten ones up to the surface. I remember different narcs giving me marriage advice when I was single. One female relative said, “You need to marry him quickly to tie him to you, men won’t wait around long.” And a male family friend explaining that I couldn’t expect my husband to stay around with me all the time. “Familiarity breeds contempt.” He told me my marriage would be a lot smoother if I let my husband go away with “others” often, then everything would be fresher and happier when he came back.

    1. Sophia says:

      Did you ask if you’d be able to go away with “others” for a happy freshening up as well? 😂

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        No, I was too horrified at the idea of his concept of a “happy” marriage to be witty. I’ve always been a slow thinker.
        I always thought this man had an affair with my mother and I felt very sorry for his wife. I doubt it was as happy as he thought when he came home – at least for her.

  12. Diva says:

    “Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden.”……..Narc or no narc…..all is never rosy in the garden…..that is the life of a garden, the seasons change it……it can not be rosy all of the time…..otherwise nothing would ever need to grow. I almost know that when things are going too well, that there will be rug being pulled underneath me at some stage…..maybe this mentality is due to living with narcs……but I no longer live for the highs, as the lows inevitably follow…….I live life on an even keel…….well I try to in any event!!!!! I now realise that an even keel is impossible if there is a narc involved…….Diva

    1. Sophia says:


      Were you with a lesser or a mid-ranger? HG describes his relationships as rosy for an extended amount of time and then equally hellish at the end. Of course, my mid-ranger gave me a bronze period at best.

      1. Diva says:

        Hi Sophia…..honestly….I am no longer sure which ones I have been involved with but I suspect all 3 types in some shape or form…..the way I see it now, is that whatever the type, I know they were all narcs…..and my focus now is to ensure I don’t let them back into my life….and also to try and identify additional candidates before I get ensnared again…..Diva

    2. I’m a gardener and live in south Florida without real seasons, so it can be rosy all year. Just sayin. I loved it at first but then I started missing all the excitement of dormant plants coming back to life. 10 years and I’ve never had to replace a plant. My garden is pretty much all that is an even keel in my life! The thing is… I want something different now. Hope you don’t mind this comment on your post, Diva.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I like Florida, I shall be heading there next year.

        1. Diva says:

          Go on admit it……you are going to Walt Disney World to release your inner child!!!!!……….Diva

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You can fuck that idea sky high.

          2. Diva says:

            You shouldn’t knock it until you have tried it at least 3 times……I got mauled by Goofy whilst I was there……it just might be all the therapy you need!!!!!!…….Diva

          3. Twilight says:


            You have just made any idea of ever going gone…

          4. Diva says:

            Twilight…..I am sorry……but I can’t lie (well I can to a narc but that’s another story!!!!!)………but you see I have a quirk for a man wearing a suit!!!!……….well I think it was a man!!!!!!!

            I really did not want to go……I could think of nothing worse,,,,,,but I ended up having an absolute blast……but that was only because I hit it off with the hotel Manager (although it started off as an argument)……..anyways by the time I had finished with him he issued me with VIP passes for my whole stay……I didn’t have to queue on any ride or theme…….when I came home I had a form of motion sickness…..

            Don’t let my experiences put you off……bizarre things always happen to me……I have learned to expect it…….Diva

          5. Windstorm2 says:

            I went to Disney World once just to see what it was like. I absolutely hated it! Everything was fake, mechanical, pretend. The total opposite of what I enjoy. It creeped me out. The only place even more fake I’ve ever seen was Vegas. I hope I never have to go there again! For a person who draws energy from nature, Vegas is like hell. Nothing is what it seems.

      2. Diva says:

        Hi Predatenoriknow…..comment away!!!…..I love the different seasons……winter is my favourite……long dark nights… fires….crisp icy mornings…….and if it snows, my dreams come true…..Diva

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Winter is my favorite season too! I love cold, snow and ice, but I love the wind the most. Our winters are very windy. Of course what makes the winters the best is having my warm, snug home to shelter in as I look out the window and listen to the wind.

          1. Diva says:

            Windstorm2…..I can relate as always……my “bench” would be covered in snow!!!!!…..Never mind sitting indoors, snug as a bug in a rug, I need help making these snow creatures!!!!……..Diva

        2. robins359 says:

          Being originally from Michigan, I miss the seasons so much. Fall was my favorite and snow was beautiful. Ice skating, snow forts, sledding. . . my parents moved us to Arizona when I was 15 so I don’t have the bad memories of driving in it or shoveling it. Here, in Arizona, we get hot weather and cooler temps between November and February. That is our “seasons” 😜

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            I had an aunt in Phoenix. She’d talk about getting a 2 inch rain – the sprinkles were 2″ apart!

      3. Twilight says:

        What’s wrong with Disney World? Not tha I would go, to many people

      4. narc affair says:

        😂 at HG’s sky high comment lol

        I have a facebook friend who had her wedding at walt disney world during the hurricane. They were there before it fully hit that area. Shes a kid at heart. In her pictures goofy was flirting with her 😄

      5. Twilight says:

        Windstorm2 and Diva

        I believe HGs comment towards Disney World summed it up nicely.

        I am sure my reasons and HGs differ on the why

      6. MB says:

        HG, moving to Florida or just visiting this year?

        1. HG Tudor says:


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