A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 29


Good guy,

Men who use the internet to scope out innocent victims are cowards. You can shape who and what you are in a very deceitful way in order to force someone to love you. To make me think that our connection is something special. You meticulously brainwashed me through a screen to get what you wanted. You told me what kind of  woman I was going to be, and I was to continue being that woman even after you changed.  Unfortunately for you, I was not going to be that fuel you desired for the rest of your life. I bet you felt a sense of ease when we first met, finally, no more searching. I’ve found the one that will accept me because I do nothing wrong! What a let down it must have been for you to realize I was not the doormat you envisioned me to be. A let down that you have already gotten over.


It’s a sick game. Love, being loved, loving someone else is a game to you. It’s a game you will never win. The only winners are the women who get as far away from you as possible and never look back. I needed more security than a few words after you cheated and lied. I needed something called actions but you were always too fuel focused to give me what I needed. Not that my needs would ever be important to you. You were so good at making them seem important. I came to realize how that amazing connection we had in the beginning was nothing. You can get that connection from anyone. I am not special to you. What we had was never special.


You are not a husband, never a friend, and a horrible father to my son. You can forget your image of being a “good” guy. You can shove your dream of ever having a green card in America to escape England from your past, friends, and family up your arse!! I know none of that even matters to you right now, because you are getting supply from other women, family and fake friends that feel bad for you. Once it runs out I will be stronger. So thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for leaving and doing shitty mistakes a “good” guy would never do. I now realize that if it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else. I have dated them in the past. You were by far the worst. Because of your complete change in personality I was able to pinpoint exactly who and what you are to avoid. My focus is me and only me. You are now dead to me, our memories mean nothing. I am discovering a new love and that’s called self love. One you will never experience. And I’m glad because it leaves me knowing you will always suffer. You will never be apart of the new and better me.


Not the one

15 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 29

  1. K says:

    Not The One
    Your letter elicited a correspondence of feelings that demonstrates
    our concurrent odysseys through a chthonic nightmare of disorder and destruction. As I meander through this hellish maze (I am not done yet), I have discovered that my feelings have altered greatly from the onset and resemble what you have articulated in your letter.

    “You are now dead to me, our memories mean nothing. I am discovering a new love and that’s called self love.”

    And, I really loved this statement: “You will never be apart of the new and better me.”

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. narc affair says:

    Your story sounds strangely familiar. One of my exes married to get a visa to live here in Canada. It lasted only 2 years but unraveled at 1 year mark. Hes a victim midranger and blamed it on his wife who id met before prior. I knew it wasnt her fault. He boohooed that her and her teen daughters were so mean to him. It was embarressing. He flew back to liverpool to live with his mummy and daddy. Hes in his 30s and she was i think 10 yrs older than him. He loves older women financially secure to mooch off of. He sent me multiple emails sobbing about how badly he was treated. She had met him online as far as i know. He was staying with her when id met him but at the time i had no clue he was involved it was only after he was engaged i found out. I look back now and shake my head how i wasted one second upset over him. Hes a go nowhere guy in life.

    1. narc affair says:

      Great letter btw and youre right you are one of the lucky ones who escaped!! All the best!

    2. Not the one says:

      This was definitely a, go nowhere guy. But I was so love bombed and had such low self esteem, I lied to myself. He didn’t use me for the green card. He’d never admit to that. He did use me for a source of fuel, to feel special, to find some kind of way out from his crap life he had created. Thankfully I was so miserable by the time he came here he was forced to go back home. But yes he feels so sorry for himself. Sorry he had no money, his mom kicked him out, sold some of his stuff, no wife and child. While I’m going to therapy, having no contact and getting stronger. It could have been so much worse.

      Thanks for your reply.

  3. Kim michaud says:

    This narc and my narc should hang out they seem like the same person lol great letter

    1. Not the one says:

      Does he live in England Kim? He’s probably too busy with his new women. But could use a friend to complain about me to.

  4. DebbieWolf says:

    I like this a lot. It is one that I believe delivers blow after blow.
    I ‘feel” the resolve of the author. The finality.
    I totally get it and relate to its resignation and tone.

    And yet it makes me feel so sad still..
    Having to accept that awful realisation of the truth and knowing it is set in stone.
    It is like a eulogy.
    The acceptance of death.
    And the onslaught of the grievving process..
    Yet the hope still filters through the tone in the finding of the new beginning at the onset of self love, beginning with the self respect shown by saying no to all of it and walking away.
    Like Scarlett O Hara: “Tomorrow is another day”..and it’s all mine..
    Well done Not The One.

    1. DebbieWolf says:

      *Grieving* typo. I’m having problems with the site freezing when I type very slow doubled up on some missed others took me ages to type it all on my phone

    2. Not the one says:

      Thank you. It’s a journey I could never do with him

  5. Suzie says:

    It is best to work on our own trauma, gain knowledge and wisdom and stop whining about “bad” people. Hey they are out there everywhere. Our responsibility is to ourselves. If we know who we are we become less susceptible to “bad” people. If we have confidence, have healed our own wounds and know who we are we will not be attracted to a narc. Narcs hook into the unhealed trauma and low self esteem that we have in our own souls. They show us how we need to love ourselves, set boundaries with others and heal our trauma from our childhood wounds. Whining about narcs is not productive. If we do not work on ourselves we will just find another narc, then another, then another until we do the inner work to heal our codepency (or whatever the issue is) and that repititon cycle will stop. Been there done that and not going back.

    1. Noname says:

      Bravo, Suzie. Very healthy approach.

      If you got rid of the source of internal pain, healed all of your wounds, nothing could hurt you anymore. The Narcs could know everything about you, your past story of abuse and traumas, your secrets, but it would give him nothing. You can’t hurt “nothing”. Nothing to hurt.

      The physical abuse could be be avoided by No Contact and other official or unofficial restraining mechanisms pretty successfully.

      The self-work is an alpha and omega of internal harmony.

    2. Whining about bad people is a stage in healing. When you realize what you’ve entangled with there’s a huge relief that you haven’t lost your mind, and placing blame for the abuse on the narcissist is appropriate.

      Yes, at a certain point we need to work on the parts of ourselves that allowed the relationship to flourish, but you won’t get there without seeing the abuser for who they are.

      Also, understanding that there are people who will come into our lives who aren’t at their heart well-meaning people is a mind fuck for most of us even if we intellectually understand this.

      1. Ladyeverlasting,

        Also, understanding that there are people who will come into our lives who aren’t at their heart well-meaning people is a mind fuck for most of us even if we intellectually understand this.

        That what you said right there;
        it is still the last to fall,even though I intellectually knew this as a child.
        I pictured Adolph Hitler, Vlad the Impaler etc.
        I couldn’t wrap my head around the person beside me.
        It still makes me fear my logic will fail me.

      2. Not the one says:

        He seemed to be a well hearted person. It was a mind fuck. But it didn’t need to be. I saw signs. I ignored them. This is why an internet relationship is so dangerous. For 2 years I told myself it would get better once he moved here. But that’s emotions and not logic. I used a lack of empathy and logic to kick him out.

        My logic never failed me it was my emotional brain. Needing and wanting love, seeking it from anyone willing to give it to me. Even a dirty narcassit. It never felt right.

  6. And “power off”.

    I used to think they had to be “in person” to perpetrate their seduction. Good thing that some of these cannot keep it up for long IRL.

    Good for you, Not the 1. Your heart does not seem to be infected by this one.

    And you let him know he is nothing compared to you! Not a good guy, nobody to miss, nothing to see here.


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