To Have and To Hold


We marry. Sometimes we keep dangling the carrot of matrimony for the purposes of future-faking and keeping a primary source interested and working hard to keep our favour. Other times it happens quickly in that whirlwind of the narcissistic seduction for the purposes of ensuring that you are bound to us as tightly and quickly as possible so we have the comfort and satisfaction that you, as our wonderful new primary source, are firmly embedded and attached to us. A swift engagement with the wedding following hard on the heels. It is customary move of our kind to enter into a marriage. We give the appearance of being utterly devoted to you, smitten and with our love bombing and repeated protestations of love and desire it is little wonder that the victim readily says “yes” and has the engagement ring slipped on her finger and the planning for the wedding itself happens minutes later. Marriage is important to the narcissist. Not the actual institution, although we will make a great show of emphasising just how important it is, what it means to us and how we could not wait to get married. All good material for ensnaring the victim and maintaining the façade.

When that day comes, what goes through the mind of the narcissist when he or she is stood before the altar, in a registry office or atop a cliff overlooking the sea in a civil ceremony? What is the narcissist thinking about as the priest or registrar conducts the ceremony? What thoughts percolate through the mind of our kind with the guests all stood behind us, staring in rapt attention and admiration, smiles plastered across faces and the occasional tear trickling from the eye of the emotional onlooker? What are we considering as the hymns are sung, the readings are read and the service proceeds? I shall endeavour to tell you, from the perspective of a male narcissist by reference to a traditional ceremony. Bride and groom are stood side by side, excited smiles exchanged and eventually the vows are reached.

“I HG Tudor, take you Victoria Tim, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”

I chose her. I chose her above all of the others. She looks amazing but then so she should, for me. I knew she would look so beautiful and all these people gathered here will be looking at her and thinking how beautiful she looks and how lucky I am to have married her. There was no luck involved of course. I planned this and it made perfect sense to marry so she is bound to me now. I don’t mind them all looking because although they might be looking at her, I chose her, so their admiration of her, is actually admiration of me. I am looking forward to walking down the aisle with her. So many faces and all looking at us. I can barely keep still as it is now, knowing that so many hundred pairs of eyes are fixed on my back, watching us. This is brilliant. I should get married every week. The whole day is about us, but I know it is all down to me. I chose her. I drew her to me. I am the one that created this wonderful union and I get to spend the entire day basking in the glorious attention and well-wishes of the congregation and wedding guests. Even more of them will turn up for the evening reception. So many guests, but that is what comes of being so popular. I wonder if the Predecessor Primary Source, what was her name again, Wendy, that’s it, I wonder if she turned up. She accepted the invitation. Not that Victoria knows she is a former girlfriend but the pained look and frozen smile that I am expecting from Wendy will give me an extra special boost.

“to have to hold”

Oh she is mine alright and I want to make her happy because then she will make me happy. I do think I have got it right this time. Everything seems so right about her. She lies everything that I like. She is so helpful and caring, I picked very carefully after the disappointment of the others, like Wendy and so on. I should have invited some of the others actually. That would have been very entertaining to see their faces when I walked down the aisle with my beautiful wife. My wife. Mine. She belongs to me alright and this time it is going to work. I am sure I have selected the right one. I have her and I will have her time and time again. I know how to delight her and she responds magnificently to my touch. Well, to be honest, they all usually do, but this one, more so than the others. Another reason I chose her. Yes, she is mine to have and I am always going to hold on to her. I treat her well. I really do. That’s because I adore her. There are so many reasons why I do. She is clever, she is witty, she is beautiful, she looks after me, she understands what I need. I know that to be the case. This is why I chose her and this is why I married her. You don’t let someone this good wriggle free, so I will indeed have her and hold her Mr Priest, I will hold on to her very tightly indeed.

“from this day forward, for better, for worse”

There will be plenty of better because that is what she and I are about. We fit together so perfectly. My soulmate. I deserve her and she is delighted to have me as her new husband, I know because she has talked of little else since the engagement. It was quick but so what, you snooze, you lose as the saying goes. Yes, lots of better, we are so fortunate to have what we have, more than most people, but then we are not the ordinary people. I know I have elevated her, but she has accepted that with good grace and enthusiasm, just as I thought she would. She will do as she is told. I was pleased she didn’t go in for that modern rubbish of excluding her vow to honour and obey. If she had resisted that, well, there would have been a problem. I know some couples both say it to one another but I am traditionalist. I wear the trousers. Of course I will honour her, she knows that, but I do not need to say it, besides, I decide what I do, not some vows. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to stick to them, but if something happens, well, I have to do what is right for me. I am hoping she keeps giving me what I need and that day does not come, but if she does mess up, I don’t think she will, but let’s just say for the sake of discussion and argument that she does mess up, well I will ensure I have other options. I mean, she will be a grade A idiot if she does that, after all, she is getting a great deal with me, but you can’t be a fool and rule it out. Not after what I have seen with the other ones. I do think she is different so fingers-crossed we will not have to go down that route. So, yes I intend to honour her. Obey? You can fuck that sky high! I do what I want. I am the doer, not the done too. Obey? Seriously? That one is for her and believe me she had better fucking comply with it or there will serious repercussions, but hey, I am getting ahead of myself here, I know she will, that is why I chose her. It is important that she does obey me because that way we stand the best chance of happiness and success. If she obeys me, which I know she will, I will keep her happy and not have to do what I have done with the others. Still, let’s not think about that on a day such as this. I don’t have to obey. She will. That is all that matters.

“for richer,”

No problems there El Vicaro, I have wedge and so has she. That box is well and truly ticked. How much longer will this go on for? I think I will have a cheeky peek over my shoulder. That bridesmaid is rather tasty; Natasha isn’t it? Victoria’s friend from university. She is totally wanting some of me. There we are again, that little grin and the bite of the bottom lip. Oh yes. Well too bad Natasha, this isn’t your gig but if it does go tits up, not that it will, I will look you up, of that you can be assured.

“for poorer”

Not going to happen so no concerns about that. Easy to agree with that one man of the cloth. Come on, when are we getting finished, I want to show off the vintage champagne that I bought. That will impress her old man. He loves that kind of thing. There he is, proud as punch that his girl has been chosen by HG here. Let’s give him a wink. He liked that, winked back. You wouldn’t be winking at me like that if you know what I am going to be doing to your daughter tonight. Hell yeah. Must have laughed then, I am getting a sideways glance from the soon-to-be Mrs HG, give her the smile. There we go, melting straight away. Easy.

“in sickness and in health

Bollocks to that matey boy, who do you think I am? Some kind of fucking nursemaid? She gets ill she deals with it and anyway she can go and see the quacks, that’s why I pay private health insurance. Don’t expect me to be arsing around looking after her though, I have other things to get on with. Of course, it is a different proposition for me. I am in rude health, strong as an ox, fine mind and so on. I don’t get ill. Being ill is for the saps and the weaklings, but if I am hurt, I daresay with me it will be something pretty serious if it going to slow me down, then I know she will run around after me. After all, who wouldn’t. I am worth it.

“until death do us part.”

Absolutely right daddio. That’s the only way she is getting away from me, when either her or me shuffles off this mortal coil. This is for life.

10 thoughts on “To Have and To Hold

  1. Briana says:

    Have you ever written about how the different classes of narcs view their spouses? I have always wondered how narcs manage to have 20 and 30 year marriages. How does the abuse cycle fit into a lasting marriage. Is there no discard?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Briana,

      I haven’t done so. A long marriage will involve an extensive period of devaluation ad Respite Periods with no disengagement. The failure to disengage will be because one of the reason sets out in ‘5 Reasons Why We Disengage’ has not been met. The tolerance threshold for the schools varies also. You may also have a situation such as a Stepford Devaluation which often results in a lengthy marriage.

  2. Noname says:

    If my first husband could, he would marry someone every week. He liked the “wedding attention”.

    His first marriage lasted for 6 month. I was his second wife (7 years). After our divorce he continued to marry, but his marriages were short lived.

    Now he is married again and has a daughter. He phoned me couple of days ago and said “Do you know what? I have an awesome idea! We have to marry your son to my daughter! We would be relatives! Sounds good?”. I laughed hard and said “You made my day, man. Thank you”. Big child. Lol.

  3. NC says:

    “I should get married every week!” LOL!! That cracked me up. It says it all.

  4. 12345 says:

    To have and to hold (his wife) called me tonight. He obviously still had my number in his phone even though he never used it. All she said was “how are you doing” and I said “fine” because I didn’t register what was happening at first. She then handed the phone to him. He said hello like no one was on the other end then hung up. My blood went cold. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life. Not because of him but because I know I’m guilty.

    No matter the reasons, the things he’s said, promised, etc, I knew he was not mine. I do have a moral compass and I’ve always known it wasn’t okay no matter what he said.

    I know I’m being assassinated by him tonight. Designated the enticing whore that broke him down. It doesn’t matter if that is true or false. If she is anything like me in her 46 years of marriage to him, she will do everything she can to believe him so she can justify staying. I am not the first call she has handed over to him and certainly not the last.

    I don’t feel satisfied or glad that he is receiving her wrath or glad that she has found him out. He will put her through hell for this and I feel terrible for it and very afraid.

    I have finally blocked his number and completely understand that no contact involves far more than not speaking to the narc.

  5. abrokenwing says:

    Should we be expecting an article about Kevin Spacey ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Oh I should think so.

  6. narc affair says:

    Everytime i read this one its like watching a horror movie ive watched before and yelling at the soon to be victim to not go in there! Runnnn youre about to make the biggest mistake of your life!! The fact the proposal came very quickly is a narc red flag. Just reading the thoughts going thru the narcs mind about the bridesmaid and not being there thru times of sickness …ughhhh. A marriage is supposed to be the happiest day of the rest of your life but instead in this case its the most tragic. It sounds like a marriage of convenience and money just like weve learned here.. fuel and residual benefits. My marriage hasnt been perfect by any stretch but one thing i know is we both never went into marriage with this mindset to use one another. Narcissists use and this is a reality.
    I dont know if you had hopes for your marriage aside from money and any benefits from association with that family. It does fascinate me how narcs at the beginning do seem to have some level of hope for a new source but its never based on love only what they can get out of it and ultimately why it fails time and time again.
    I hope one day HG maybe as part of your therapy you can have a sit down session with each of your primaries with your good doctors. You allow us to voice our thoughts about our narcs and youre very gracious to read our thoughts and comment but the ultimate would be for you to hear your primary sources thoughts in a session environment. It may be very helpful.
    Not sure if youre still in contact with your ex wife or how the marriage ended but hopefully shes moved on and found a loving partner. Hope your therapy helps and you can find the same. Marriage is definitely not easy but with narcissism its impossible.

  7. Survivor says:

    Do you think you and your type should be isolated from society?

    1. HG Tudor says:


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