The Online Empathic Target

youtube-online-empathicYou are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.

On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used. The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims. Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be

“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”

Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,

“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”

You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required. These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.

So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.

We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance. Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.

So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.

  1. Been Hurt Before

Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.

  1. Loves animals

If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.

  1. I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating

You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?

  1. I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together

You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?

  1. Church/God/Spirituality

If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.

  1. Charity involvement

If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.

  1. I am a middle child/ I come from a large family

There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.

  1. I just got out of a committed relationship

So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.

  1. I am looking for a knight in shining armour

So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.

  1. I am seeking someone who is financially secure

You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.

  1. I am ready for a long-term relationship

You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.

  1. I want to be swept off my feet

Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.

  1. I am tired of games

Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.

  1. Looking for The One

More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.

  1. Mention of the caring professions

If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.

There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.

Time for a re-think on what you have written?

15 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target

  1. Jasmine says:

    I’m doomed

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    You would be surprised how many psychologists and social workers I have come across that have been targeted and have similar stories.

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    One of the many reasons why I don’t do online dating.

    That shit creeps me out.

    It’s like everyone is handing you a resume and you have no sources to check lol.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed. You have now of course.

  4. Bibi says:

    I much prefer animals to people. To me, people are the ‘lower life forms.’

    1. Scarlet says:

      Me too !! Humans are definitely the cruelest life form

  5. Scarlet says:

    HG, I’ve done internet dating a bit in the past but never really got into it as you have to invest quite a bit of time in it . Just out of curiosity though , could you write a profile that would repel a narcissist but be fine for a “normal guy “. Maybe in a post or a book. This could be used as a profile guide for internet dating or just as a conversation to have when dating that would get rid of a narc fast !! I’m sure there are many women out there that narcs just don’t bother with and I wonder what their early conversations are with the narcissists that is narc repellent without the potential victim ever knowing or trying , it’s just natural to them .

    1. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

      I’m a woman who used to meet online Our”predators”, but I have enough narcissist traits myself (which I activate when I know I’ve met a “mean one”, so…). I used to attract them a lot: (I was single those days, years ago and they were “hungrier” in the beginnings of “internet era”) having a nice picture, graduation info, I was and still am perfectionist, speaking not only my language, but two more of them (I also met an UK man, don’t know if he was narc, but his mother was for sure a matrinarc). My “strategies” were not strategies, but some built-in traits: I’m not going after “his” money (no one could bought me, even if I’m not rich, only having what I need, so…I truly admire a beautiful car, but I’m more concerned about the way he got that car and his other traits, so…”a princess life” never appealed to me- I once met a hotel owner, from our first lunch out he started saying I’m an ideal “wife material”, he would have 2 babies with me, I just couldn’t help myself but laughing- those red signs HG wrote about, afterwards we played bowling – I won, he got me a “name”, looking back I now know they call us all “darling”, “kitten”, “beautiful”, so…they won’t get confused- there are too many of us; second date: he asked me to meet him at the hotel pool, my answer was a big no, then he tried triangulation, still no results, I’m not jealous, not at all regretting, I know I can’t loose something I don’t have).
      I’ve had a very good “philosophy”: too many man on Earth – to take one’s BS. There is no perfection, no “soulmate”, just two people wanting to work it out…or not (the case with narcissists). And…about the englishman, he seemed too perfect to be “real”. From a very good family, single grandson, single son, “golden child” by all means. Wanted to marry someone “poor”(depending on him) but intelligent, classy and nice, a trophy wife, a future staying home mother, have “two children” (as matrinarc asked him), not one, not three and he wanted her from another country, no “family or friends of hers” need to apply, isolated from anyone who could help her (he already had a plan: coming once with his “mommy”, before Christmas, then, if she liked me, I was going to leave for UK. Imagine, for some women that was a dream came true, for me it was a horror movie). I asked him why: matrinarc wanted him to do so (she was going to impose her rules upon her DIL, I don’t take orders, not even from my parents). When a grown up man tells you he does as his mother wishes…run, run, keep running, as if himself is a narc (he may be one, power struggling with his mother at some point, too much money at stake, etc.). Then…I didn’t know they were narc, I only knew something was definitely wrong, even if they came to me in the most appealing of the “appearances” (Price Charming).
      There was another one (lesser, for sure) asking for nudes, conditioning our chats that way. He had his way…no chats. He thought I’d do anything to keep him. 😉
      Thanks to my father (a narc) for educating me that way, see: I find good in everything/everyone, still can’t ignore those “red flags”! One narc told me I am “unpredictable & uncontrollable”. Maybe this explains why no narc searched for me again nor tried “bringing me to heel”, as HG said, because I am different, I don’t care what people say about me (I know myself), but narcissists do care. They are the ones having expensive cars, not me. 😉 I can be meaner than they are (when this is justified to my conscience) and wound them and I have an intuitive side which helps me (I easily put myself in their ” shoes”, devoid of feelings, I go so far as hearing a story about someone and telling what they are up for and their next “chess move”-done that, I was right, no narc took me by surprise, even if in denial, I knew his next move). I’ve got a conscience, but I am a “fighter for The Truth”, in love and at war, all it’s allowed.
      My life was a “full of experiences” one, but my internal one is further than that…We need narcissists in order to grow, learn, discover and heal our own wounds, so we are no more ignorant, damaged and exposed. HG only confirmed to me what I’ve already knew but not completely trusted. Thank you HG, I’ve prayed for answers to all my questions and wasn’t attached to just one way of getting them (I am open minded). Once upon a time…I rationally told a very intelligent narc I wanted to be completely unemotional and he answered: “take care what you wish for, you might get it. You wouldn’t want to be as I am.” Mind blowing! I wanted to “rescue” him (thought he was a lesser in that area, but he wasn’t), I couldn’t let myself controlled, it was against my nature. I still let myself convinced into doing something if that something made me a better version, going to the gym, for instance. I thanked him for getting me more attractive for the next one. He was boiling inside, I could see it.. ☺He’s very well that way, he told me “each bird parishes on it’s own language”, so gave me hints he’s not gonna change his ways for anyone. Our relationship was a power struggle, just that. His father was a narc, made a “real man” out of him…too. I accept we (all) are different, learn to defend and go further, upgraded to a better version. ☺😉

  6. Amber says:

    while this made my heart race in fury at being stalked, i think it’s also funny that i know by now my value and know what level of a narc i can expect. you state only half, that the woman shall be expected to do such and such, yet the truth is, if the man is what he should be, she will naturally be those things for him. I’ve often found that dominant men will angrily stomp around because they want that side of you, but they’re failing so fantastically as an alpha, at least to me, that i wouldn’t trust them with the care of a caterpillar, much less a t.i.h. sort of relationship lol!

  7. Overthinker says:

    Hg in ur opinion if a man choaes a woman online and seduces her specifically because she’s an american citizen and marries her to get a green card even if there are no other signs of narcissism shown but its proven he married her strictly for a green card would this in itself be an act of a narcissist this is not my exact situation but I’m just wondering ur opinion

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If there are no other signs that support the individual being a narcissist, then I would see the individual as selfish and not a narcissist. I would find it odd however that no other signs of narcissism would be present as it is something a narcissist would do (and not something someone empathic would do or someone who is healthy). It might be you have not been able to identify the other acts which would confirm the individual is a narcissist.

      1. Ugotit says:

        Let me clarify I know he’s a narc its my narc I’m talking about all the signs are there love bombing devaluation discard hoover two cycles so far what I’m still not sure is if he also just wanted a green card from me because its a common practice in Algeria for men to use Americans for this but in my case if he wants one he always discarded me before he could get one.I was just wondering if another man did this just for a green card as many Algerians do but did not have the narc signs mine did would they be narcs just for the fact they did this in my case I’m sure he’s a narc but not sure if he married me for green card since he keeps interupti g the process by leaving me

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No they would not if that is the only act that accords with a manifestation of a narcissistic act, although again I would find that somewhat unusual.

      2. Ugotit says:

        Thanks that’s what I thought

  8. Not the one says:

    Basically don’t write anything then so you look boring and dull.

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