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24 thoughts on “I Want”
Every morning I look in the mirror and the vivid scar on my forehead makes me smile, because I am free, knowledge tastes so good and even though I know he is tracking me, and he is doing all that is written above, I no longer care, he can say what ever he wants, others can believe whatever they want, if they cant see the truth, thats their problem. I paid to have every thing of his removed from my home and sent to his mothers. I have blocked him, he still attempts to contact me, I choose not to respond. I don’t want to be drawn into a twisted game, I don’t want to play anymore, I never did, I ran around in circles wondering what the fuck was going on, Never again. I am not interested in being told where he is or what he is doing or saying. I will not run nor am I going to hide, I have done far too much of that in my life, I do not live in fear, I am aware I am at risk and will face that when or if that day comes, right now though, today in this moment and every moment for the past 6 weeks I am free, and the happiest I have ever been in my life because now I know the truth and the reality of my life, the denial I lived in, believing the lies. From the moment I was spawned by one, who opened the door for many others. Not any more. The more I learn about NPD and also myself, suddenly it all made sense, now Im seeing why my life has been so fucked up and why these people who claimed to love me have been such cruel twisted sick fucks, it doesn’t excuse them, but it does me, because I can own my part and move on. I am free.
Who was the person who has done this to you? So strong, so giant that you could not aproach – now passing on the pain . bitten by the vampire – now a vampire self – possesed by revange – if you realize you start to heal and stop the vicious circle <3
All of this is happening right now for me. He’s angry to put it lightly. I answered a call from his number but it wasn’t him. It’s scary. I’ve been no contact but not “Homeland Security” no contact. Learning the painful lesson that no contact has to be high and tight at all times.
“Homeland Security” NC, lol. I like that. Yes, go HS-NC! Speaking of which, cute pic – you look like a sweetheart. But in the off chance he finds this blog, you are breaking HS-NC, girl! ;)…But maybe I’m overly on edge because of my own NC.
No, you’re right! It would truly be the end of me if he read the things I’ve posted.
Changed 🙂 Good catch, Caroline.
HG, fear just struck my heart. Do you ever find your victims on WordPress or your blog by googling their screen name, real name or email? I just looked for mine and I’ve left a footprint all over.
That’s downright uncanny. But I do recognise the feeling of being close to such darkness. My narc was aggressive and evil to the core, but he wasn’t aware of it being wrong in any true sense. He was entitled to it. He talked sometimes of this aggressiveness, identifying its roots to his childhood, and he knew other people found his anger to be a problem, but he still viewed himself as the only good human being left in a wicked world. He could subject me to hours of these kind of revengeful thoughts about someone who had crossed him, planning in detail what he would do to that person even though years had passed since the actual event. Scary to say the least.
Same to you..i mean to him…
……Until perhaps 30 seconds later your decide you don’t want that anymore but something else instead – strawberry ice cream, maybe?
My ex could flick the switch back and forth within minutes just ike your see-saw analogy HG….
HG, can I ask you.. You know both sides of the narcissist world all so well. After all the understanding and the writing you do.. do you still call youself a narcissist? Are you the same person you used to be 5 years ago? Have you become ‘milder’? Do you honestly believe a narcissist can not change, or at least try to change? The narcissists I know, sometimes make an attempt to try and change, although not very succesfully I must say, but I can see their doubts so clearly.
I am more aware.
I have not become milder.
A Greater may make some adjustments if they see a benefit in doing so. A Lesser will not and a Mid Ranger would only do so, not because he accepts he is a narcissist but to achieve an different outcome but he will revert to type again fairly soon.
…and when these things happen, what?
Does your kind feel the satiety of a win (is the win ever complete)? If there is a complete win, would your kind feel closure?
Where/when do you feel contentment and tranquility? It’s unclear to me whether these are things a narcissist feels (regardless of the school or cadre). There seems to be a paranoia, a defensiveness, common in all of the ones I’ve spoken with. It’s ironic: the traits they seem to be most defensive of, I’ve admired (and vocalized it). They:
1. Never accept poor customer service
2. Speak their mind. No matter who is listening.
3. Defend what they feel entitled to (voraciously).
4. Acknowledge strong character traits in others, especially intelligence, unless it becomes competitive on some level (then they want to squash it to eliminate the competition)
5. Make things happen. Sometimes, for the better. Sometimes not.
6. Get what they want. For themselves, and for whomever they are trying to impress.
Strength. It’s the strength that is enviable. Unshaking confidence and assuredness.
There are different levels of self-awareness, and this makes “how to approach” the ones you can’t avoid a bit problematic. Not just “how to approach” them, but identifying them overall. They are so good at playing their projected roles, it’s hard to tell if they know they are manipulating or not. I want to punish them. But the degree of punishment is dependent upon their level of self-awareness.
In the situation you most recently advised me on (how DID you know, or were you sure, of who the real target was?), the only option was to run. No contact, put the “do not contact me again” in writing on the way out of the relationship, in the event police need to intervene.
1. When you accomplish this list of wants, what? Is there satiety?
2. How did you know who the real target was, or was it a guess?
1. There would be victory.
2. Not a guess. It was evident from the presented evidence who the target was.
I am so grateful that you are out there for consults. After re-reading the evidence, my mind still doesn’t go there. I am glad you warned me, no contact has been in full force. No problems. I got out quickly enough, and sticking with friends feels safe.
Sounds like the Boggey Man.
It’s always about winning, isn’t it?
HG…I get it. Hang in there. Keep writing. Clean it all out. Those idiots that used you, hurt you.. made you feel like you were nothing after trying and trying again…forget about all of them. Write and heal.
Ugh, this makes me think my ex-BF is a Greater. It puts words to the dark motivations I sensed inside him. Up to the end, he was still talking sweetly to me, but it felt more and more scary.
41 days NC. All’s quiet, but it’s an eerie quiet.
Amen. I might give it another go if someone wrote me that.
It sounds like u want to revisit ur pain into somebody else over and over again
I have already won… you lost