A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 39

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSISTBE'S LETTER

 

You were the brightest and darkest time of my life.  It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Yes I know this is from Dickens.

This makes me laugh now.  I believed we were on an adventure; on an unknown path.  I laugh at how ordinary and predictable it all was. A forgone conclusion.  Nothing I did or said or believed would have changed my outcome.  One lie, promise, and other woman at a time I spent 13 years in the maze.
 In the last year I’ve finally realized the ways you live; all the things I knew about you could be be brought together to define what you ARE.  The thoughts you had and systems you deployed are no longer spokes of a wheel with no axle.  You are not unique;  we weren’t the one in a thousand.  Now I have axles and the story hangs together.
As I read about your kind I am overwhelmed with memories of all the things I said.  The hilarious insightful quotes I thought I was offering you… Gifts of insight for you.  I said them out loud.  You were in the room.  I remember.  But now I know I was telling myself.  I ALWAYS KNEW you weren’t just quirky or misunderstood.  I just didn’t know what the reams of information meant.  But I know now…  Below are just a few of the truths spoken during those long years.
Oh my god, were you the genetic wastebasket for your entire family.
You have the longest learning curve of anyone I’ve ever met.
I really want the fake Rich today. Can you please pretend you’re the person you were when we met?
You know how fucked up you are.  That’s why you pretend to be someone decent in the beginning.
The only time you know I’m in the room is when I’m sitting on your dick.
Why am I the only person you can say no to?
I think you have a call.  I heard precious ring.
I wish you treated me as well as your cell phone.
You try to act like your some big sugar daddy.  What no one else realizes is you’re really a Splenda daddy.
I know how to get what I want from you.  Ask for the opposite…  Then I am guaranteed delivery.
Is this Dicky time or real people time?
You do realize when you say “I’m working on it” I know you really mean “it will never happen as long as I live and then I have clarified in my will that you will not have it after I am gone”?
Uh, I know how incredible you think you are but if I could wake up tomorrow and be you I wouldn’t.
Your always promising to do and get things.  I know you will never get a (insert any item) hot tub.  If you actually get the hot tub I will blow you while you are drinking a beer and watching sports.  Yeah, never had to keep that promise did I?
Wow, how can you stand being surrounded by morons, mere humans all the time?  You are brilliant… we are dim.  Why not end the pain and put yourself down?  They shoot horses don’t they?
Wait a minute. Is that Dicky speak or are you using a language I know?
Your world is an alternate universe.  I call it DickyLand.  Its a place where I pay to get on rides that make me want to throw up afterwards.
So you’re saying I should ask you about cheating when you aren’t so busy?
I get to fight with you about cheating on me the same amount of time it took you to convince her to sleep with you.
She referred a big job 6 years ago?  How many years of sex do you owe her for the referral?
For someone who lies as much as you, I thought you’d be much better at it.
Hey 007 you don’t actually have pens that shoot bullets and you aren’t having sex with women in every European capital.
I assumed if she can give you a hand job on company time she can take my phone call on company time.
Its not as though you’re a picnic on the lawn every day.  The blue birds of happiness don’t circle and wrap me in gauze when you walk in the room.
You are so high maintenance I will need to make an instructional video for the next whore du juor.
1st secret trip –  why would I call your family to find out where you were?  Why would I advertise to them how little respect you have for me?  I can tell you, honestly, I hope it was the most exciting trip you’ve ever had.  I hope you were laid by scores of beautiful women.  I truly hope the secret was worth the relationship you lost.
2nd secret trip – wow thanks for the 10 hour notice.  On second thought I WILL drive you to the airport for your trip to Ireland.  I want to make you as miserable as I can make you for as long as possible before you leave.
Today any space up to 12 inches from my person is a no crap zone.
Why are you willing to spend $250 on a bra but won’t spend $20 on jeans for me?
I know you slept with her because there are only 2 things you would drive 2 hours to get.  One of those things is money.
Yeah….  I’m still invested in being pissed off at you.  Try your fake apology later.
You are disgusted because I am soft-hearted and kind?  YOU, more than anyone, depend on that kindness.
I KNOW you were flirting with her.  The only time you listen to anything a woman has to say is when you are trying to get her into bed.
You have never once said you were wrong.  Averages would suggest I was right at least once in the past 13 years.
All you think about is what you don’t have.
Why do you ask me what I want to do?  We both know you only pretend to consider it.  In reality you already planned the weekend.  Just tell me where you’re going and I will decide if I want to go.
Why is it officially sleeping when and only when you wake up in the recliner and go to bed.
One day, as you shuffle down the hall of your assisted living facility with your colostomy bag and portable IV you will remember me.
This is the best breakup you’ve ever had.  Don’t fuck it up.

26 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 39

  1. Wonderfully written!
    Those sarcastic barbs are on target.They do a good job of distracting from the pain.
    I also vote your closing line as Quote of the day!

    You mentioned in one of your replies:

    ‘ But 7 years later I still struggle with the way he conditioned me to want so little and feel so undeserving.’

    That is so hard to undo for me. I do keep trying though.
    I think it is doable, eventually
    .I decided it was easier to start with say “No” to what I don’t want
    And then I started saying “Yes” to things I had given up or always wanted to try, but didn’t when I was told I shouldn’t put myself first.

    Funny that “No” to others wasn’t that hard, but “Yes” to me takes more effort.

  2. SuperXena says:

    BE …adding as if my prior comment was not long enough: sarcasm is one of the things that really irritates them ..so you touched a sensible spot there…part of their Achilles tendon comparable to ignoring them ( wounding them on their weakest spots)

    1. dickforlong says:

      Superxena – I loved your comment. I feel so isolated with these memories sometimes. It shifts everything dramatically when I read comments – it connects me to another history and group of people I forget about. Often I believe the only truth I have is my suffering and history with so many narcs- in reality I have many truths. Part of that is remembering I am not alone and there are others who have hopes for me.

      I love the idear I scored with my sarcasm. I know I often left him speechless. Not an easy feat, as I’m sure you know. He was often furious because I could make his abuse funny. And honestly he couldn’t keep up verbally. That alone probably allowed me to hold onto a sliver of sanity. But 7 years later I still struggle with the way he conditioned me to want so little and feel so undeserving. My greatest mistake is underestimating the damage a narc can do.

      And after that long response, I suppose what I would like to say most is thank you for the comments and support.

      1. SuperXena says:

        Hello dickforlong ( quite original name!)

        Your welcome and thank you for your answer. Don’t feel isolated with the memories…they are just memories and here is a place to share them : you are not alone.. See those memories just as scares now, not as open wounds…remember what you wrote: ” A forgone conclusion” and ” Now I have axles and the story hangs together.”
        Remember: he is not unique.

        I do understand what you mean that it was not an easy feat. Sarcasm is a manifestation of contempt and when you reach that point with them , they know that you have lost respect for them. That is a major wound. Feeling contempt for them( as for own experience ) wounds them..that feeling is not providing them negative fuel as your anger, sadness, frustration or even hatred. It could have been as you mentioned what saved your sanity: making fun of his abuse( even more if you did it without any emotions attached to this).
        But ultimately the best way of winning the war over them is not entering the war at all.

        Actually it is me that wants to thank you! Although I am completely detached of my ex narc now after leaving him for 23 months ago(No contact), you wrote something that went right to my heart and that brings me to the realisation that there will always be a narcissist targeting us empaths…and just in this right very moment of my life your words are a big reminder of this and of extremely help:

        ” My greatest mistake is underestimating the damage a narc can do.”

        I will keep these words very close to me now.Thank you!

        And remember: you are not alone.

  3. Just Me says:

    Be,

    Can I hire you to write a letter to my mother-in-law?

    1. dickforlong says:

      Lol – I will gladly write a letter. No hiring required.

  4. Peaceful says:

    “I wish you treated me as well as your cell phone.” That line really got me! Yea… they sure do treat their cell phones pretty darned well, don’t they…. Your letter is full of so much emotion. Much of it was triggering for me…. So well written and really gets the point across.
    Cheers to getting over that creep!
    Peaceful.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      LOVE. Cellphones and cars. One tethers to fuel. One takes fuel, gets them to fuel and provides fuel.

  5. narc affair says:

    I loved this and your way of summing him up had me laughing, but not what youd been thru. “You were the brightest and darkest time in my life”…very powerful statement and sums up narc abuse. The cycle is a rollercoaster. One minute youre in the spotlight of their affections the next the dungeon of their imprisonment. After reading your truths its obvious your narc put you thru a lot and im sorry you had to realise these truths too. Its painful and ruins our innocence in so many ways but strengthens us as well. I love your sarcasm it added humor to a serious situation. Wishing you all the best without ever having to face these truths again 👍

    1. dickforlong says:

      Thank you for the good wishes. I am grateful I can make others laugh about these things. It goes without saying we have all been tortured by these manipulations. After leaving 7 years ago I am still trying to value myself.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        DFL— It goes without saying we have all been tortured by these manipulations.

        ^yes. agreed. laughs do not take that away or minimize pain. it feel good to laugh. it all still hurts though. i see your pain. the funniest and most “bad ass” empaths on here had and have pain. well done.

      2. narc affair says:

        Ty dfl! Its so important survivors share their stories and ty to HG for posting these. It gives hope to those of us still ensnared and struggling. It is an inspiration! Youll get there! You were strong enough to walk away and thats the hardest step.

  6. Overthinker says:

    This was awesome love it

  7. Windstorm2 says:

    “Why am I the only one you can say no to?”

    This one resonated with me. It does so often seem that way.

  8. SVR says:

    Good on you whoever you are. This letter I have just read due to looking for an answer from HG but ended up on wrong page. Its so amazing. Everyday I realise some more of the manipulations used. They so think they are gods gift. What I do find sad is that its the family dynamics that have probably fucked him up and initially not his fault. He hated his father for what he did but he has actually repeated the cycle of his father. Predators are so insecure under that exterior. The sad thing is empath are sucked into it as caring. We need to awaken and stop looking for validation outside self. Its from within. Looking back on your own childhood will give you the answers. We also have been subjected to trauma of some kind and the subconcious may need the narc experience to awaken it. Get to work on you. Let that shitty specimen go and smile. I have done it. Don’t get me wrong there are very occasionally horrid days but I get through them. I cannot share my experiences with family or friends which has been very difficult. Therapy helped to offload. So now I continue being and empath and wont change that for the world but I listen to my intuition now and I have boundaries.
    Congratulations on getting rid of that damaged man. You will look back in a couple of years and think there by the grace of God go I. You are not here to fix nobody. Its his problem, Not that he will ever admit it.
    Go live life. 🤗

    1. dickforlong says:

      By the time I left I KNEW IN MY SOUL he was always this way. I had nothing to do with his behavior. I have never regretted leaving him. And honestly, he gave me the best comic material EVER! For 13 years I could have been a very successful stand up comedian. My life was so ridiculous I had to laugh… And boy did it chap his backside when I was able to turn his abuse into a joke.

      Thanks for the positive thoughts. All jokes aside, the damage from being with is immense and never fails to surprise me. Thank goodness for this site. No one understood the depth and breadth of the damage when I would try to talk to them about it. It is so true that you can’t get it unless you’ve lived it.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        DFL
        I know what you mean about the comic material! I told stories about all of mine for years and always cracked people up! I think they thought a lot of what I told I’d made up – but no! Didn’t have to make anything up. Reality was so outrageous!

  9. SuperXena says:

    Hello BE,

    The way you play with sarcasm delivering at the same time a clear message is incredible! Your letter contains short but powerful sarcastic sentences.

    Best sarcastic sentences for me :
    ” Oh my god, were you the genetic wastebasket for your entire family.
    “You have the longest learning curve of anyone I’ve ever met”
    ” I laugh at how ordinary and predictable it all was. A forgone conclusion.”

    By the things you write it smells “Somatic” all the way! He used sex as the main weapon . Best sentences : “The only time you know I’m in the room is when I’m sitting on your dick.” That was a good one!

    ” Your world is an alternate universe. I call it DickyLand. Its a place where I pay to get on rides that make me want to throw up afterwards.” ” Hey 007 you don’t actually have pens that shoot bullets and you aren’t having sex with women in every European capital.” “You are so high maintenance I will need to make an instructional video for the next whore du juor.”

    Best sentences that shows you have gained insight now of what he really is :
    My absolutely favourite: “The thoughts you had and systems you deployed are no longer spokes of a wheel with no axle. You are not unique; we weren’t the one in a thousand. Now I have axles and the story hangs together.”

    ” Nothing I did or said or believed would have changed my outcome. One lie, promise, and other woman at a time I spent 13 years in the maze.”
    ” You know how fucked up you are. That’s why you pretend to be someone decent in the beginning.
    “all the things I knew about you could be be brought together to define what you ARE. ”

    I like the introductory sentence of your letter. It resumes the effect of the intensive emotional roller coaster they create by the extreme highs ( love bombing) and extreme lows ( devaluations) that creates the addiction:

    “You were the brightest and darkest time of my life. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” You could not have said it better.

    And you grand finale: “This is the best breakup you’ve ever had. Don’t fuck it up.”

    I really enjoyed reading your letter!

    1. dickforlong says:

      I really appreciate the feedback. I left him 7 years ago. What I didn’t include in my letter were all the hours I spent crying and shaking with the fear of losing him. I am still recovering. And unfortunately in another narc relationship.

      The up sides are I know what he is and the current narc is a fumbling amateur compared to my previous one. Sadly, what they never understand is just a little bit of genuine effort would reveal the best. I have to give.

      I am so grateful for this site and all of you.

      1. SuperXena says:

        ….are you in another narcissist relationship now? If you feel like sharing: why???

      2. Kimi says:

        Dickforlong,

        Such a witty mind and a sharp tongue! How I envy your ability for the acerbic verbal quip!

        Your letter was so much fun to read, however your retorts spoke volumes on what you had to deal with in the Narc relationship! I’ve been there too, as have the others here! I’m engaged with a Narc once again, as well. Thank you for sharing your letter, experience and wonderful responses to your Narc!

      3. dickforlong says:

        I am in another narc relationship. Have been for over 3 years. I had no idea what narcs were and WELL he was a different kind of narc than the last one. I figured how could I lose? Ha ha good one.

        When I look back every date I’ve ever had was with a narc and I dodged them for over 3 years. I stayed single and dodged the hoovers from my ex. My intuition was screaming at me to walk away from all of them. Unfortunately, I compare being me in the land of dating (EMPATH – all caps is accurate) to being blindfolded in the street during rush hour traffic. I may dodge a few vehicles but eventually I will get hit.

        Now that I understand what this is and I look back I can honestly say I never actually picked anyone to be involved with. THEY always picked me. They saw me on campus and wrote anonymous letters until we met. They saw me walking through work and finagled an introduction. And then the games would begin…. They would pursue me hard. I was usually very confused… And resistant in the beginning. But here is where I let myself down every time.

        Since I couldn’t understand what they thought was so special about me I was convinced they knew something I didn’t. So initially I would stick around to figure out what it was. And eventually become hooked in so I couldn’t leave anymore. I know now the special quality was empathy.

        With my ex I just fell hard on the very 1st date. Like splat on the pavement hard! And honestly I had to stay as long as I did just to be able to fall out of love with him enough to want to leave.

        My current relationship is another narcissistic one. He targeted me at work. But this relationship doesn’t have that heartwrenching gut twisting effect on me. In part I am worn out and numbed. In part he just never captivated me like the last one. I loved him initially but he just isn’t as good of an abuser as the last one. (Weird to say but he is lower cognitive function) so it seems contrived and transparent in comparison. And most importantly, I can’t be the person I was any longer – not since I started reading this site a year ago.

        I’ve been a long time reader but new contributor.

        So the shorthand is i tricked myself into falling in love again because I believe in love more than I believe in myself. But I’m working on it….

        If you don’t mind sharing how do you think of it?

  10. Libertygal1776 says:

    OMG….it’s like you peer d into my life and wrote about it…

  11. Miss Swain says:

    “This is the best breakup you’ve ever had. Don’t fuck it up.”……Definitely the quote of the day – love it!

    1. narc affair says:

      Loved this one too!

  12. Lisa says:

    Ahhh I do love a witty punch line…

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