The Lesser Narcissist – Five Facts



I have come across these five questions on a number of occasions. They are often regarded as the five fundamental queries which are raised about our behaviour. They are usually answered in a forthright manner by certain commentators in order to drive the message home. However, these observations and answers are provided by people who are not of our kind. They are naturally entitled to comment but the true value arises from someone who is on the other side of the fence, the perpetrator of the actions, the doer. Furthermore, the usual observations are provided without regard to the fact that narcissists are both similar yet different because we operate in certain schools which are linked to our degree of functioning and malign outlook. Accordingly, the traditional answer provided to one of these questions may be correct for the greater of our kind, but not for the mid-range or for the lesser narcissist. Here are the five answers to the five central questions, beginning with those of our kind who are from the lesser school.

  1. Do we know what we are doing?

The lesser does not know. He or she is a creature of knee-jerk reactions, impulse responses and almost machine like programming. The lesser narcissist behaves in his or her manner as a matter of routine response. Push button A and you will get response A. Push button B and you will get response B. It is an unsophisticated system for an unsophisticated person. The lesser narcissist is something of a blunt instrument and has no understanding as to why he or she acts in this way. Out of all of our kind if you try to get a lesser to understand what they are doing, that they must realise what is happening and they are aware of their behaviour, you really may as well go and find a brick wall and slam your head against it as it will be more productive. The lesser does not know and your questions will only serve to enrage him for yes, again reasons he does not know, only that he knows he does not like your questions and he wants you stop asking them so you had better do so or else.

  1. Do you know that you are hurting people?

The lesser may be low-functioning but he or she will know that he or she is hurting people some of the time, but not always. They are not so stupid as not to not recognise that whatever he or she is doing is causing pain, distress and upset to somebody else but there will be occasions where that recognition is totally absent and the Lesser is not pretending that he does not see that you are hurt and that it is his action which has caused this, he really does not realise that you can be hurt by what he has done.

They recognise some of these emotions even though they do not feel those emotions themselves. They see the product of their behaviours and like all of our kind extract fuel from this although they will not understand that this is what they are doing. They will not recognise the concept of fuel. Instead the lesser narcissist will just regard the reaction of the victim as their own fault and they deserved it because they did something the narcissist did not like. The lesser often cannot even point to what it is that the victim has done that has provoked the annoyance, the irritation and the ignition of fury and being invited to do so just increases the hostile reaction. There are occasions when the lesser will respond sometimes with something specific but more often with a general expression along the lines of:

“You just wind me up.”

“You know how to push my buttons.”

“You get on my nerves.”

“You really bug me sometimes.”

The lesser experiences the irritation, the annoyance and the ignition of fury but does not know why and therefore he is not in a position to tell you what it is that has caused him to hurt you, but he just has to, because once he has, the irritation and so forth recedes. He has gathered fuel and addresses the restlessness that comes with the low provision. He has gathered fuel and repaired the wound caused by your criticism (real or more likely perceived) but he doesn’t not know that this is the process. He sees the hurt he causes but has no idea why he is doing it. There are also many occasions where the Lesser will not even realise that the hurt is being caused. Lacking any empathy whatsoever (not possessing the cognitive empathy which Mid Range and Greater Narcissists use to fake empathy) the Lesser will see you crying and just give you a blank look as he has no idea at all why you should be upset. It just does not compute.

  1. Is the behaviour deliberate?

With the lesser it is not deliberate. He or she does not plan to respond in the way that he or she does, it just happens. There is no scheming or plotting with the lesser narcissist, they are not of sufficient function to achieve this. In the same way that if you are hit on the knee with a small hammer there will (usually) be a reflexive action, it is the same for the lesser. He needs fuel, although he does not realise this. He needs to provoke you but again does not realise this. He just reacts and responds. He is a victim of some unseen and unknown higher force that causes him to react. He is already programmed this way but has not been granted any insight or understanding into why he acts as he does. This is why the lesser narcissist will never accept there is anything wrong with him, why he will never admit that he is defective in some way and why he will never concede that he is a narcissist. This is how he is. Isn’t everyone else this way as well? He has no ability to recognise what he is doing. I appreciate that this is often one of the hardest things for a victim to understand. Surely the narcissist knows what he or she is doing? How can they not see it? If you can, why can’t they? This is because they have been wired in a different way to you and with a lesser narcissist this means that their world view is so different that they consider it the only way that people behave and that there is nothing wrong with it.

  1. Can you control it?

In the same way that you might think that the lesser narcissist must surely understand what they are doing, you would expect that they can control it. The answer is that they cannot. As I have explained, their responses are programmed and they do not act in the same way as you. It is knee-jerk, immediate and automatic. For instance, let us say that you are walking along the street when you see a large man running towards you. You will do the following:

  1. Regard the behaviour that you can see;
  2. Evaluate what that behaviour means;
  3. Consider the range of responses available to you;
  4. Consider the most appropriate to the situation;
  5. Consider the consequence of such action;
  6. Execute your response.

Thus you realise the man is just out jogging because as he nears you he is wearing sports kit and headphones, so you keep on walking and smile at him, he returns the smile and all is well.

The lesser narcissist sees the behaviour and then responded. Parts b through to e are omitted. This is why the response, viewed through your world lens, may seem disproportionate, outrageous and wrong. To the lesser narcissist, it just is and why are you complaining about it?

The lesser narcissist has an extremely low ability to control his behaviours because of this programming. Whereas the mid-range and greater (as I shall explain separately) can exert control, evaluate and form decisions before responding, the lesser cannot. This is why lesser narcissists have a greater propensity to more extreme responses, including physical violence, because they cannot control their actions and do not evaluate the repercussions of that action. They just react.

  1. Can they stop it?

It is often thought that our kind can stop our behaviours and therefore if we do not we must be enjoying what we are doing. With the lesser of our kind they can no more stop what they are doing than you can halt a runaway train with your bare hands. The lesser is a creature of response and reaction. It happens and if you are in the way when it happens, that is your fault. He does not know why he behaves this way so has no basis for stopping it. He is programmed to respond in a knee-jerk manner and therefore is unable to stop the behaviour. If you tell him to stop, you are tapping in to this inability to control his behaviour and this amounts to fuel or a criticism (if delivered emotion free) but in either instance all it will do is cause the behaviour to continue, although the lesser will not know this. In some respects, this lack of understanding, insight and control makes the lesser of our kind a pitiful creature but in other respects it makes him especially volatile and dangerous.

25 thoughts on “The Lesser Narcissist – Five Facts

  1. geyserempath says:

    So an empath ensnared by a Middle Lesser Victim Narc is doomed because we really should feel sorry for this individual. They don’t know that they are hurting you or why they are hurting you, they can’t control it, it is not deliberate, and they cannot stop it. How pitiful is that. This explains why I still believe I love him after all the hurtful things he has done.

  2. K says:

    Pitiful creatures indeed.

    A Lesser Mother:
    She weighs over 400 pounds.
    She smokes 4 packs of cigarettes a day.
    Her wardrobe is comprised of stretchy polyester pants,
    shirts and MuMus.
    She burps and farts with wild abandon.
    She shits herself and menstruates all over the couch.
    She hoards garbage bags full of trash, floor to ceiling, in all the bedrooms and the living room and
    The house is infested with mice.
    She doesn’t protect her two children
    from their father’s sexual abuse.
    She is a monster.

    1. Barbara says:

      This seems to be beyond narcissism and reach into even deeper mental damage (not that both can’t be present at once).

    2. Sharon Marinucci says:


      1. K says:

        Sharon Marinucci
        The father slept in the bedroom and she slept on the couch. The mice would crawl on her (while she slept on the couch) and she would just flick them off. The father brought a prostitute home once and had sex with her in one of the bedrooms while the mother and children were home.

        The father called the mother, “an ugly fat fucking pig” and he stopped having sex with her and took turns sexually assaulting his two daughters. The mother would choose which one to go to bed with him.

    3. Sharon Marinucci says:


      1. K says:

        I am there for them everyday.

        1. Clarece says:

          K, I find this absolutely devastating and have no words. I get a physical reaction whenever I hear about these kinds of abuse stories. Did those girls finally get away and are they safe now?

          1. K says:

            It is absolutely devastating and, like you, I get a physical reaction too. They are safe now and I am working with them. My heart breaks when I think about what they have been through. I tell them I love them and that I am there for them whenever they need me.

          2. Clarece says:

            Hi K, I cannot even fathom the brokenness of their souls. Do you think they have a chance at healing? With the two sisters, do you see one evolving as more narcissist as a defense mechanism and one more empath?

          3. K says:

            Miraculously, they are both empaths and I think if they get access to a therapist who specializes in NPD it could make a world of difference. The lack of appropriate treatment is a serious issue in the USA and, most likely, everywhere else in the world.

          4. Clarece says:

            Amazingly the 3 women held hostage in the home of Ariel Castro in Cleveland for 10 years appear to have been able to heal and experience happiness again with family and loved ones. Amazing how the spirit can mend when given the right encouragement, trust and tools. I really hope that happens for these two girls. Hugs to you being a support person for them.

          5. K says:

            Thank you, Clarece!
            It is funny that you should mention the 3 women who were held hostage by Ariel Castro because I was thinking about them this morning.

          6. NarcAngel says:

            And if those 3 women in Cleveland can rise from that horror given the right tools, it should give determination to those here gaining the information and tools to see them to the light at the end of the narcissistic tunnel that they can do this.

  3. Rob says:

    When you ignite the lesser his fury.. will he remember or does the personal adressed feelings fade away by time?

    In other words is the lesser more lived by the present circumstances in contrary to a greater?

    1. K says:

      Due to their lower cognitive function and tendency to compartmentalise, they lack awareness and insight and I do not think they are very concerned with remembering feelings or living in the moment.

      1. K says:

        I just reread, Lee The Lesser, and the lesser only has so much memory and jettisons much of it, so he cannot recall recent events, therefore, he is able to deny events with sincerity because he really does not remember.

        Q. Do lessers compartmentalize?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They do.

  4. Tappan Zee says:

    Pitiful. Volatile. Dangerous.
    Where do I sign up?!

  5. Dawn says:

    Thank you for this clarification. I was beginning to think NPD just might not be what i was dealing with. Certainly a lot of the same things that i read and was experiencing applied, but the sophistication, control, and stamina were not present. Now I can totally relate and realize the differences, but the bottom line is still Narcissist.

  6. Windstorm2 says:

    Hey HG, this sort of fits here. I’m driving across southern Missouri and just saw a guy sitting in the grass on the side of the highway at a traffic light. He looked in his late 50’s, very fit and muscular, tanned and covered in tattoos. He was holding a little cardboard sign that said, “Please help, will work.”

    Whenever I see someone like that my first thought is that if he wanted to work, he could easily find a job. Here in rural America any physically fit man can find some kind of job, if he’s willing to work. Also, where he was at a very busy intersection, no one could easily talk to him about a job. All anyone could realistically do was hand him money out the car window. Sitting there at the light, it seemed to me he is most likely a lesser narcissist. Would you agree?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If he was sitting in the grass, maybe he didn’t have any legs?

      Could well be a Lesser exhibiting a sense of entitlement and lacking accountability, one would need more to make an accurate assessment but there are indicators.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Ha,ha! He was actually laying in the grass propped up against a sign. But yes he had legs! I definitely got the feeling of a strong sense of entitlement.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Now, if he was doing that in the UK he may have been carried off and put atop a bonfire.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            We don’t really do bonfires here. Sounds like a plot on Midsomer Murder!

            Just letting you know that I’m such a faithful reader (and how insane I can be) that my stopping during my trip to read/respond to comments is adding about 2 extra hours to an already 12 hour drive! And I’m NOT confessing that to any of my children. They don’t need any more evidence of insanity!

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Elated and Eroded