A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 46



To the Mid Range Narc:

I recall meeting you on line , on a dating website six years ago. You didn’t attract me physically but your profile was written so beautifully. You eluded to Punch Drunk Love as one of your favorite films, which happened to have been one of mine. You cast the net by signaling that I was on your “favorite” list. I took the bait. It wasn’t long before we had a super hot sexual exchange on line.  It seemed as if you knew me better than I knew myself.  I put you off for a long time after that until I agreed to meet you in person.  When deciding upon a place , you suggested a cafe in my neighborhood because it was the same one where a famous marriage proposal in a film took place — I can’t recall the film anymore.  I thought that was very presumptive at the time. It seemed way too early to even make a joke like that. I ignored that  red flag.

Eventually we met. I gave you a second chance on a second date to make sure that I wasn’t dismissing you too soon.  You were so attentive and wanted to see me again so badly that I felt I should be more open minded.  I was troubled by your sobriety , your admission to having major food allergies that prevented you from eating almost anything at all. You made sure I knew that you scored extremely high on some intellectual test that made you superior to most, cerebrally. You lived far from me and drove a Harley. I was a single mother who was very social with lots of friends.  Safety was important.  Socializing and sharing meals were a part of my life that I didn’t want to give up. And the drinking issue was odd. I didn’t know any alcoholics and though you seemed very calm and didn’t dwell on it, it was foreign to me.  It wasn’t until later that I would learn that you lived with a room mate which shocked me at your age of 46 at that time but you had an excuse for that, too.  You just didn’t reveal that right away.  Another red flag. Your ex was obsessed with you on Facebook and kept liking all your posts and even posts of people that she didn’t know but  seen you had liked. Another red flag. I didn’t even feel comfortable being a Facebook friend of yours and once I did you used it as a weapon either in your silent treatments by blocking me or as a  way to let me know you were showing interest in others and make me jealous.  We only spent our time in your room having wild and passionate sexual rendez vous. I never met your friends.  Another red flag. We rarely went out and when we did it was a nightmare due to the food issues you had. You bombed with me text messages and links to songs. You never let up. I had to go to China on a business trip once we were  about 4 months in and while I was there I had space. I came back and broke up with you. Immediately you went crazy. Slept with someone else and told me about it. I was brain washed by then and kept going back to you only for matters to grow worse.  You didn’t tell me about your illegitimate grown son until a year later.  You kept dredging up old girlfriends and would give me silent treatments when I needed you the  most as I begged and pleaded for you to be with me.  You would disappear and say it was because you fell asleep. Your phone died. You lost your phone. You were watching a movie. You were obsessed with a video game.  You started drinking again. You tried to quit and blamed me. I  went to Alonon meetings to try to understand but that wasn’t enough for you. Finally after 5 years of the ongoing torture and passionate make up sex  you sent me photos of a girl 30 years younger than you and exclaimed she was your new girlfriend.  You also did things like lose a job every 6 months. You would grow out your beard and let your hygiene go so you would appear to look like a crazy man.   As you dove into that relationship which had been going on for a while you continued to write and either devalue me horribly , calling me horrible names or claim that you loved me so much and begged me to hang in and trust that you were going to end things with her once the time was right.  I began to lose my mind.  I finally wrote to your girlfriend and shared screen shots of your love-notes to try to make her leave you but you painted me as a crazy person and convinced her to stay every time.

There are way too many painful incidences to list in this letter.

You constantly blamed me for all of it.  It was true; I tried to leave on many occasions.  I knew something was off. Every time I left you , you would lash out at me.  When I came back,  you would go back to being a cold hearted person but say that  you were 100% committed.   You always said lots of things but never acted on any of it. I wasn’t allowed to speak of the women particularly the most recent.  The drama was too much for you and caused you to drink , you would say. We would never move forward if I kept bringing up the past you would insist.   The anger and hurt would build up inside me.

I do have some good memories.  The sex.  The sex and the sex.  You showed up to help me when I got too drunk at my company Christmas party.  You showed up when I got food poisoning at a friends house and couldn’ t make it home alone.  You showed up when I had a mouse.  You gave me beautiful jewelry.  You wrote poems. You made me feel sexy and beautiful.  But I now see how you manipulated me and I’ve learned that it was all fake.

You dismissed me without empathy when I called to say that my apartment  building had caught fire and was uninhabitable.  You were off with a new woman when there was a hurricane in our city and I was scared to be alone.  You crashed your bike and got arrested after leaving my house drunk.  You lied about women who would call you when we had just made love.  You used names for me like bitch, whore, skank, and slut constantly.

Still, to this day, I check my email box 100 times a day. I look to see if you’re re-posting my music.  I think about who you are with.  I wonder about the lies you are re-telling.  I politely answer your emails only to see you disappear once you get my reply because I know you’re just checking to see if I will answer you.

Last time I saw you you made me sick. I left the table and walked out.  I told you that I finally slept with someone for the first time since we met.  You were jealous and it made me happy to know that you were upset.   I graphically described it because I wanted to dig that knife deeply into you after all of the women I have shared you with over the course of the past 6 years.

And still.  Every day.  I check for you.

23 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 46

  1. Lisa says:

    Hi All,
    I wrote this letter and saw it reposted today , 7 months later so it was interesting to re-read it. I thought it might be helpful to update anyone who also read it today. When I wrote this letter, I stayed NC for a while thereafter, but eventually I let him Hoover his way back again. Only this time I could see him very clearly and I had changed. Although I saw him I did not have the physical attraction anymore to him which was the basis for everything in the past He begged me to take him back. He swore he would do ANYTHING I asked of him just to prove his love and loyalty to me. “ANYTHING?”, I replied.
    “Yes, anything “.
    “Okay”, I continued, “I have an idea. I thought of something you can do that will convince me to trust you: give me your phone so I can look through it”.


    And a dead stare. I finally had him. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t give me the phone for obvious reasons. We all know that what I would find would be disgusting and incriminating.

    I was very calm. I felt completely satisfied. I told him that now we were both clear he could say goodbye and leave. Which he did. Never to be seen again.

    That was in January 2018. He has tried hoovering many times since then through email – I deleted his contact and blocked his number before I did. I delete and ignore any emails. Sometimes the Hoover’s are loving. Other times he called me a bitch. He let me know he moved out of state. I know nothing else about him and have no address. (These emails go to my trash). I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think about him but the thoughts don’t consume me like they used to. I tell myself that it’s a matter of time till my brain retires and mends completely. I feel so much better knowing that I got all the evidence I needed to let go and yet, I have accepted that I’ll never know the truth , or get answers.

    He will undoubtedly pop up again but I can proudly say that it’s been 6 months of NC and I have resisted his attempts. I will never respond and I’m feeling like he’s not getting fuel so the Hoover’s have ceased.

    I hope this helps someone. It IS possible. It just takes a long time. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Mostly, go no contact and stay that way for as long as you can. Keep reading this blog. I do every day.


    1. NarcAngel says:

      Nice move! I felt your satisfaction and the tension in the moment just reading that. Then I laughed my ass off.

    2. Clarece says:

      Thank you for the update Lisa! Glad to hear you are mending successfully. The hand over your phone exchange is priceless. Sometimes the Narc doesn’t always come up with the win.

  2. narc affair says:

    Wow this still seems fresh. Why havent you blocked him fully? I can really relate to this. It sounds like you are still attached to your ex if youre still replying to him. Still bound as in the picture. It hurts i know, believe me, i know. The way hes used you is awful. When i went no contact for a week from my narc i was checking my emails constantly fanatically but i noticed it tapered off a bit and each time i seen no email that despair lessened. The fact he emails sends you back to square one of the beginning of no contact and each time he doesnt reply is another devalument and is a reminder how little he feels for you. Sigh. I can really feel this and its not good 🙁 you have to break those chains and block him. Once you block him youre truely free and can start living. I wont pretend its easy bc ive not even got to the point you are at but from what youve wrote youre in no contact limbo. You are trying to live your life but one foots in the past with this guy and he knows it bc you havent blocked him and you still reply. Youre his ego crutch to lean on when need be. You have no future with him and hes toxic. Break those chains fully and block him. Eventually you will stop looking for his emails bc youll know none will be there bc of your taking your future in your hands and closing the door to communication with him. Its not easy but youre pretty much there bc you arent involved with him. Block and shut him out. All the best you can do it 👍

    1. Lisa says:

      Hi Narc Affair. I have tried to block in gmail but best I️ can do is filter into the trash. That will delete on its own after 30 days. But it’s still accessible to me. Does anyone have any secret tip about how to block on gmail? I️ can’t chsnge my email address at this point in my life. It’s embedded in all my personal affairs and my son’s( schools, doctors, parents….). I️ can’t change it. Thanks for your amazing and kind support. I️ love how HG has gathered so many people together to support each other. The letter exercise was an ingenious method for all of us to see that we share so many stories. Xo

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi (((lisa)))…im not sure how to do that but if you google it or look up on u tube there should be tutorials step by step how to block on a gmail acct. I know how difficult itll be taking that step and be easy on yourself. The mere fact youre no longer involved is a huge step! The blocking just solidifies it. Best of luck.

  3. Overthinker says:

    The last line sure resonates with me

  4. Red flags vs love bombing. Actual truth vs plausible explanation. We are not stupid, yet some POS can know how to hook our hearts, and reel them in, right out from under the protection of our minds!

    LB, I can’t say why your letter had me so torn up from reading it. But it did. The cruelty of the hurt they cause,and then they sit back and watch us continue to be abused, by ourselves,with out them having to do anything else.

    We know enough to leave, we want to stop it. If they were any normal person, they would leave us alone. But since that is normal,when the love has gone, when they continue to show up, to reel in our heart again, we mistake their tenacity for love, instead of the declaration of possession it truly is. And it is a possession.Their dark souls will take possession of our hearts. An exorcism, maybe multiples, will be needed to free us from their truly evil influence over us.

    It’s kinda like the bully who used to grab your arm, and use it to punch yourself in the face, “Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why do you keep hitting yourself?”

    At least when the bully goes away, you don’t keep hitting yourself.
    When the narcissist goes away, it doesn’t stop you from hitting yourself.

    You get an even worse beating from yourself, that you never deserved in the first place.

    I hope it will be soon that you find you are no longer checking for him. I hope when he does decide to hoover you, you can check the delete box, and never look back.

    1. Lisa says:

      The punching yourself analogy is amazing. Thank you so much. Xo.

  5. Not So Sad says:

    Hi LB ..

    You’re relationship was indeed full of Red Flags .

    If only everyone of knew then what we know now .

  6. Salome says:

    Maybe he was a Lesser?

  7. sarah says:

    Wow…this sounds exactly like my story to the slightest details! I’m flabbergasted here… and relieved for being right about the narc. It’s been exactly 7 months no contact 🙂 Thanks for this particular text Mr. Tudor. It spoke to me very personnally!

    1. Lisa says:

      I️ wrote this letter. The crazy part is that if he were reading it, he would have so many excuses for the examples cited, would say that he was provoked, that he had good reasons, that he has said he’s sorry, and that i have all the events backwards and mixed up. True, Ladies???

    2. Lisa says:

      The thought of someone else finding strength from a letter written by me gives me such a good feeling and hope. I️ was shocked when i saw that HG posted and that it appeared in my inbox. I️ assumed he was barraged with letters and mine would never turn up. It was like an outer body experience and a great reminder. Xo

  8. Anne says:

    I think it’s time you went no contact. He’s so not worth the emotional energy you’re giving him.

  9. Blank says:

    I feel for you. I hope you can find the strength to cut the ties and find peace of mind. X

  10. YellaGirl says:

    Jesus deliver us from this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      HG’s information will instead.

      1. Lisa says:

        Preach! Xoxo

    2. Lisa says:

      We will get there. We got here,and that’s a damn miracle. Xo

  11. Alissa says:

    Very good!!!! I can totally relate to your words….

  12. Deneene says:

    Yes, everyday…

    1. Lisa says:

      Based on HG’s teaching, I️ don’t think so. He isn’t physically violent and is 100% a victim in all things. He isn’t somatic—- he’s very cerebral. He’s always looking for attention and pity. That said, I’m sure that there is overlap with all 3 types. He has tiny traits of all 3 but mostly I️ would say amid Ranger. I’ve often wondered about the existence of combos. Xo

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