A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 47

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSISTANTIFRAGILE'S LETTER

Hi, ecstasy! 

At your 23 you are nothing less than magnificent. No other word suits you… You dig your soul deeply and write your own humankind theories… of course with you at the highest, third, level of the hierarchy, but it is so hard to question that, looking at you… If ever you’ll introduce yourself to narcissism concept, probably this knowledge can make you only even more strong…

I wonder what you will become in five, ten years!… You will be mature, dangerous narcissist, definitely… Without that adorable childish honesty about your insights who you are and how your soul works. 

Probably soon you’ll discover last bits of it all to have the whole picture and hide all that from anybody forever. And that sounds already scary. 

You know people are hurt sometimes encountering you. You think it’s because their too conventional rigid worldview being put against your advanced one…

You can seduce anyone you want. And you know that, of course. You already can do it flawlessly, being so young… 

I didn’t plan to find you or supposed mystery like you is possible in my life. You just came… Wanting something from me so desperately. Wanting what?… 

You was my sin. My fairytale in real life. My dream in the real world. A boy of my naive teenage wishes who came true late in my life. You used to say you drug addicted to me; I was feeling the same. Such a strong and deep feeling of happiness. You used to say “tension”… I was stupid to realize what exactly you wanted from me… usually, in my past, people wanted just something sexual. But not you. You are more serious. You are definitely the soul hunter. You came and took my heart so easily and gracefully like it was left on the shelf waiting there only for you all these years. But what did you want even then?… That was strange and unexplainable. Now I have the answer – you wanted fuel. I was unable to grasp, being trapped in “normal people” frames, that this thing may be appreciated as is. 

The unusual energy you put in our relations from the beginning was channeled into giving me what you wanted for yourself: you made me feel great so I will tell you how great you are… 

With you, I felt wanted. Beautiful. Alive and contented as never before. Respected for my knowledge and skills. Loved properly, for the first time in my life. If love exists, now I know what it is. I loved. And I have been loved. No matter how it corresponds to illusion and common expectations of love. That was it.

You enabled the most beautiful and magnificent projection I ever experienced. You brought me a piece of true heaven and shared with me so generously. 

I physically felt like I’m your age again and my life is at the highest possible point of happiness: the happiness of being understood by similar human being.

Your energy… You were my source of life energy and power in another person. I wondered how if you give me so much, you ensure me that you are getting very energized with me too. It was mutual. Together we have been strong like gods.

I thought at my age and profession I know people and can detect any manipulations. Not with you. Nothing worked with you…

The pupils of your eyes were so honestly wide. It seemed your eyes are dark-colored when they are not… Your demons. Your energy. Your smiles…

You used to wear dark glasses. Now I know why. Probably somebody in the past was afraid of your stare and you took this measure. You were so static, looking at me, listening to me, that I thought skype connection was lost. 

I’m grateful I met you in my life. You have shown me my reflection – a reflection of the best of me… You enabled it, elaborated, allowed my projection – whatever that was, it was your power, your gift and your role in my life.

You’ve done to me most beautiful things you know, performed like a pro with no flaw. And gone when the inevitable end of heaven was close. You sealed the sterile beautiful memory example in my brain – of the perfect things you can give and ever learned. You left your everlasting imprint in my memory like a gift. And gone.

“Heaven’s gone, the battle’s won…”

I said: “I will keep you in my memory _always_. Your smiles… You are the best thing ever happened to me in my life.” We both knew we cannot continue due to the external situation. Or it would bring massive changes. 

You said the day after: “Good that you already said all you wanted to say. Write to me no more.” And blocked me everywhere.

***

You block; unblock. I block; unblock.

You stalk. I stalk. No single word.

Sincere intentions r deeply locked.

You choose “unblock” when I choose “block”. 

***

You said it already will not be easy for us both. You believe the relations always end with nothing good. And if we stay together longer, it will be even more hard and painful to finish them. “You don’t know me”, – you said. I said: “C’mon, I feel you, your energy, what the thing I can _know_ about you, that can change the situation?” Naive. 

I remember also when the magnificent human suddenly turned into an offended child, deprived of candy, and said: “The same quality of communication as with you, of course, I will not find again”. In this one I believe: it corresponds with my vision of the situation. But you will find the wide range of fuel with no problem. You are an explorer. I wish you can see and feel many another different beautiful things in life to come. 

I’m grateful. Grateful to you and life. It is the only feeling I have now about you and what happened. Right after the break up, I felt another thing, of course: like half of my soul was taken away from me and it’s bleeding all the time. Very painful pure grief, as if somebody died. It was the unbearable intense feeling of losing you. It was a long time; a month or something of losing you bit by bit to the memory stack labeled “past”…

Exactly in one month, you posted the melancholic song with words “who said you’re one in a million? You’re so much better than that”, with clear hints it’s about me for you. 

Hell, ecstasy!.. hell…… That was sadistic. Your idealization was obviously not objective, but so pleasant.

I thought we can be friends maybe even until we die, and work on projects together – you became my best friend and best colleague, and I obviously had no plan of romance with you. But you could not resist trying your seduction on me anyway: you won. Such a beautiful pain to remember. When rests of my “normal thinking” that you are much younger than me have vanished and I surrendered to the total freedom of beautiful feeling. Contact soul to soul and nothing in this world matter…

You said you are afraid you began to feel too much… And need to hide away in philosophy to write out it and stop those feelings in you. 

You said you are emotionally immature… Why do you think so about yourself, instead of firm knowing you are rare absolutely self-sufficient human and stopping to search for “normal” human relations?…

We shared the moment that will last to the end in my memory. The treasure of true art – beautiful creation of human interaction. 

Through you, I know who I am now… I projected on you part of me, seen it, admired it, fell in love with it, took it back inside and became more whole… 

I don’t need any continuation with you – I understand clearly that such moments are too divine to last long; they are projections of our divine parts, so they are for gods and legends, not humans, therefore have an inevitable end. I’m not jealous seeing you have somebody else to be happy with and make happy for a short time. Thanks to HG, I do not stab myself anymore with thoughts that there will be somebody better than me for you, or you will find somebody for forever after, – I’ve done that so many times being young, I was so jealous… But not here. I feel nothing seeing your photos with others; feel my superiority and smiling instead don’t know why. You give somebody a chance to have gifts I have now. You are ‘public property’ indeed, as somebody properly formulated.

You have a talent – creative talent which actually you can use on any side: to make people happy or make them internally dying… you are like a kind of god in this matter indeed. 

What if you can choose to play only the first part with everybody you meet?… 

You are beautiful. Not because I find so my projected part in you, but because of You – in all your artisanal soul complexity. You are the “part of that power which eternally wills evil and eternally works good.”

***

Power to see upsides with no regrets…

Power to live with my fire without burns. 

This is my; yours are superhuman depths 

nobody for true understands on earth.

We have dark side and something in common

We have seen and was able to grasp. 

We’re different sides of one coin,

Different chosen conscious paths. 

I’m keeping your trace in my soul as a treasure.

I’m keeping your inner gifts you don’t know of.

Your importance for me is out of measures.

And your place in my soul nobody retakes on earth.

When every song – is about us, every song. And every philosophy book.

When heaven says this is meant to be short, and it had a beautiful look.

When I need nothing from you –

Absolutely nothing to do or become –

Just be here in this world, just be…

And whenever you want – just come…

***

Of course, you are not the first narcissist I met. But surely the best! Nobody even close to you. And I’m learning new things each time when life gives me the narcissist, evolving to where I stand now. 

With first your predecessor I was escaping, rebellious and beating his lieutenants. I was fifteen. I wanted normal “love” and Relations, marriage and everything girl idealistically expects, obviously not this mess with the three girlfriends simultaneously.

Nothing better I was with second your predecessor when we both were twenty years old: I was crazily destructive for him. As much as was he for me, probably: we both were a total mess in the end. His paranoia flourished on my deeds. He was crying defeated many times; I was trying to improve him, still expecting conventional things from the man. I even can give some nice advises how to achieve that – having the mutual, not one-sided hell with a narcissist. He was mid-range, doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned, if not my lessons allowing me to realize many things and to be with you later who I was. 

With you… With you I was different. You made the thing the way I never needed to show you what I’m capable of, and you sincerely wondered – “do you have rage sometimes?” You don’t know me, ecstasy; same as you said, that I don’t know you. Probably we had not enough time to exchange our dazzling darkness.  Never threatened each other, that’s why I thought you are very warm and caring. 

With you, I was just me at my best, experienced and tried already that all, relaxed and wanting no more normal things, – actually, wanting nothing from others in my life. I experienced all the things so unexpectedly coming my way as gifts, never wanting for something more. So had a beautiful experience of curious enjoying you as you are. Soul hunter…  I was feasting my eyes on you, feeling such a tenderness and caring attitude to your, to my intuitive insight, very sensitive soul. Maybe like a mom. Do you need mom? Probably not already – too late: you are 23, not 3. You said you need me as a mentor, having my bits of advice… I guess I succeed and didn’t injure you even once. Sad that communication with you can’t be done from the friend distance for a long time… You’ve chosen to seduce and discard me like anybody else. Replaceable… Ok. Your way. But now I know that I have been a Primary for the absolutely outstanding Greater: I know now how delicious this dance with the darkness feels. My life experience became wider, fuller and brighter. Totally worth it. 

I guess, it is the end… Or not?… You will not bring my dark side to the life in the second act, will not you?…  

Antifragile

39 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 47

  1. Jenna says:

    This is a beautiful letter. AF has no angry feelings towards narc. It is a very giving letter. To have no angry feelings is very generous and rare, but very admirable. You have touched my heart.

  2. narc affair says:

    Hi antifragile…i really loved the depth of inner thought your letter possessed. You seem spiritual in the sense that you see the deeper meaning of your experiences and not just what you endured. You took strength and wisdom from your relationship to make you a better person today.
    So often victims get hung up in the experience itself and dont see what they were meant to take away from it. Ive been guilty of this too.
    I really believe the people who enter our lives are meant to for different reasons. Many we are meant to learn from. Human interaction is a constant learning in motion.
    You have a healthy way at looking at it in this regard but after you learn from a narcissist its best to end that chapter and move on. They were a fleeting act in the play of your life.

  3. Antifragile says:

    It’s amazing how you’ve chosen the illustration, HG. It reveals important new aspect of narcissistic perspective to me.
    Coincidence or not, hero of this letter has an avatar with the same world on the palm of the hand. The world I chained here to.
    I just understood what does that avatar mean (maybe one of possible symbolisms). He creates and distributes the worlds. Now I’m chained to the world he gave me, but not to real him. Exact picture with deep look inside the letter mood, thank you (could be ecstasy pills, and done).

    Also I really appreciate you published it. So much love I put in this piece of text…

    The letter writing exercise have a powerful exorcising potential, I must admit. It closes the experience.

  4. ava101 says:

    And this is exactly what gave me kind of closure – my exnarc lost his magnificence when he went too far in a despicable way.

    1. Antifragile says:

      Sad they go there… You know… if they understand who they are early enough… Sometimes I think of it: if this is such a creative potential, there is freedom to use it odd way, and what if he chooses to make people only feel good? I understand this is naive thought, but if only imagine, how much he can achieve just making people feel good. Can be a star adored by everybody.
      He really could use me So Much Longer, if wouldn’t turn this resource into the fuel.
      If he said – you know, I’ve found someone, no longer can communicate, but we are friends? That could
      be so powerful and useful for him. But he chooses the ever-changing turnover of people. To block and unfriend. Probably he thinks he can use me anyway that way, as he is omnipotent?.. Just to come and take what he wants? But the effect will be much lower.

  5. ava101 says:

    https://youtu.be/yovEwjXEHuM

    You are omnipotent when you’re innocent …

    1. Antifragile says:

      Great music! 👍
      Agree. 😊

    2. Antifragile says:

      Crying over this song… it is so beautiful. So to the point here, Ava! Thank you.

  6. Hymn to my narcissist.
    Because it is required to worship my beautiful terrifying possessor:

    https://youtu.be/fwMowPviUAQ

    Mine was 23 when I met him, but I was only 18.
    He was magnificent, then.

    1. Antifragile says:

      )) I felt this song must be connected to narcissism somehow!

  7. Tappan Zee says:

    Rough around the edges, punk rap, poetic style with this one. Always enjoy reading others’ truths. It’s funny we judge these letters as if giving book reviews. They are not “stories” to entertain you. Why one needs to file their complaint makes me go, heh. Sounds like a narc response. If it was meant to wound HG or insult his blog, puh-lease. if it was meant to dis victims or take away, discount or muffle our voice? nice try. we are not here to please you or get good grades. it’s pass fail. you fail. (commenter dissing this not antifragile;)

    1. Antifragile says:

      You are in some parallel reality definitely.

      To wound HG? Which way?

      This is a monument to beautiful moment in my life and that’s it; no manipulation intended you try to find here.

  8. Universe777 says:

    Hello Antifragile,
    It seems that you and I have shared a very, very similar experience.
    Your man 23 mine 33. A fifteen year age gap in my story.
    Narcissism or not, I can almost guarantee that this experience was for you one of a spiritual nature as it was for me.
    I am a much wholer being after having met him.
    HG may be right about a lot of it, but as I have told him before, some empaths can just knock the socks off any Narc.
    A beautiful letter. I understand every word.
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    AW

    1. Antifragile says:

      Absolutely spiritual experience! You are right, Universe… Thank you for the kind words.

      After I met him (and already lost him), I was sitting with morning coffee, people were passing by, and I thought – what if we can see such a beautiful souls in everybody? We are just not attentive enough to see others deep enough… That was the most amazing feeling about the world he awoke in me, don’t know how.

    2. Antifragile says:

      “I am a much wholer being after having met him.”

      Yes, this is definitely one of the upsides can be taken of relations with such a willing Mirror narcissist is! Work with our own animus projection.

      I still think it is a great talent of observation some narcissists possess – even more deep than psychotherapists sometimes.
      One thing to observe for one hour for money; another thing to observe willingly whole days, being totally interested…

  9. Noname says:

    Life is as it is. I see you don’t have any regrets, Antifragile. That’s good.

  10. gabbanzobean says:

    HG,
    Are you still accepting letters to be posted? Can anyone submit them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. Yes.

      1. Gabrielle says:

        If we have a letter that we would wish to submit for consideration to be posted….should it be emailed to you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It should.

          1. gabbanzobean says:

            I am almost done with it and will email it to you later today. I hope to get consideration for it being posted as I am sure you get many…but at a minimum at least it will be cathartic for me to express my thoughts.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            All are considered.

  11. Overthinker says:

    I love this letter it echoes my internal experience even though the outward facts are very different

  12. Blank says:

    “The pupils of your eyes were so honestly wide. It seemed your eyes are dark-colored when they are not… Your demons. Your energy. Your smiles…
    You used to wear dark glasses. Now I know why. Probably somebody in the past was afraid of your stare and you took this measure. You were so static, looking at me, listening to me, that I thought skype connection was lost”

    This is the effect of using drugs..

    Your story could be mine. If I hadn’t been completely lost and confused after the narcissitic abuse, I could have written the same words right now, when I do know. But I also very well remember all the hurt as well. Never shed so many tears in my entire life. But I also never felt so alive.
    Because of him I could finally divorce my cerebral narc husband.
    Because of him I also doubt if I could ever have a normal relationship with a kind (but boring) dude. Most likely, I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life.

    1. Antifragile says:

      Oh yes, we were a real mdma for each other) That’s why I address him ecstasy…

      That’s over human efforts – to cope with two narcissists simultaneously, you are a hero!

      About boring normal guys… You see, it is so common in narcissistic families… I feel the same and can’t imagine this to be changed, even that DBT treatment can change this preference somehow. For now, what works for me, I see my future out of love, in realization in other things in life.

  13. The sweet memories!
    At one time I longed for the return of my wonderful soulmate.
    But it was the bait in the trap that imprisoned me for so long…..

  14. ava101 says:

    This is incredibly beautiful and deep. So well expressed, all the emotions and the complete view of the whole relationship, so that I can feel with it. I can totally relate to valueing experiencing this magnificent being, and still a little inncent sweetness.

    I had often wondered how my exnarc must have been like at that age, as he told me a bit how he experimented and tried different things. 23 really is the best age. 😉

    But most outstanding is the description of not expecting or wanting anything from the narc anymore, and just adoring him for himself. This is the only way and you have advanced greatly if you are at that point. Having learnt from past experiences. This is admirable and inspiring. 🙂

    1. Antifragile says:

      Thank you so much, Ava))
      Yes, very sweet age. And there is something in the opportunity to observe it from your own experience, when you are older…
      I met another narc at his 20, and I was 20 too, and that was so much different, – all because of profuse “normal” expectations I put on him. Maybe the main lesson for me was about expectations.
      At last I was able not to expect something and just to enjoy. They are not like usual people, not like people for making family together… Maybe such open experience has the right for existence and can be enjoyed properly 🙂 But better of course to know what it is, to detect early and predict the end in advance.
      That’s why this site is so priceless…

      1. ava101 says:

        I agree, Antifragile. 🙂

        When you’re about the same age, the perspective is totally different, and yes, lots of “normal” expectations. I feel a bit sorry for myself 😉 as I lost my innocence to first narc lover, and then had first abusive relationship. Meaning: I had completely believed in us being soul mates, in a love that was above everything else, in a special connection and a pure encounter which was beyond anything else. I endured a lot of his behaviour because I had believed in that.

        So, from today’s perspective I can appreciate different things, and have totally different expectations.
        Yes, to know whom one is dealing with, and then not expect someone to live with, and have a family with, and not expecting anything from them … that is a valuable approach. (I tried that with my exnarc, in vain, I tried to love him for just being him, without expectations of a relationship, but he kept complaining that I was expecting things from him, and I guess he was right.)

        My ex-narc-like lover was 22 when I met him, that lasted for 4 years. No harm done, as I wasn’t his primary source and knew not to expect a relationship with him. I just enjoyed the time with him. And we did some really innocent things, like building a kite. ;D

        I just met a 20-year-old non narc boy, and feel overwhelmed by his sweetness, open-mindedness, … no sign of keeping distance, no sign of games, he just poured his heart out to me … I could hardly believe this fair being, he is so radiant. He found me because he was looking for some quiet after having tried to support a young borderline girl … He is not exactly inexperienced but somehow doesn’t seem to know yet, just how wonderful (and incredibly sexy) he is …
        They get fucked up later on somehow … 🙁

        I guess even a narc isn’t all set at that age and more open for new experiences. First narc was 17 when I met him, I was 15 … he brought a lot of positive things into my life. Not in the long run, though, he certainly wasn’t the same person anymore 13 years later …

      2. Antifragile says:

        Ava, your story is so positive 😊 It’s really great that you can enjoy non-narcs!
        Feel happy for you! 😊 Thank you for sharing the details.

  15. Salome says:

    Just wonderful!

    “Through you, I know who I am now… I projected on you part of me, seen it, admired it, fell in love with it, took it back inside and became more whole… ”

    So true…

    1. Antifragile says:

      Thank you Salome. I observe your answers on this site and somehow feel we have something in common.

  16. Kelly KC says:

    The depths and details of your love touched me. My heart cried, “You are Beautiful, for you have loved”. Never regret the intense truth of love, and you don’t and that is what makes you so unabashedly Beautiful. May your heart and soul find its every pleasure and it will for you are brave.

    1. Antifragile says:

      Thank you, Kelly!

  17. Paula Sarno says:

    Sorry to say , HG, I enjoy every letter , I am disgusted with this one … I don’ t know or , maybe I know , there is a part for my kind that would never desangaged 100% from one of your kind . My first and my last ( I hope so ) was the same and he is a greatest ( I know this thank’ s to you ) but I see how he had destroyed people and almost did it with me twice . I am not jeolus either , of what ? But I hate the idea of him going on devastating people who trust and love him . No matter if they are women , men , children ( he made commit suicide to his own adopted boy ) . Its a circle of pain and horror . I don’ t like him keep the rest of his life doing that . I don’ t want his narcissist boy near my sensitive beutiful eleven years old daughter, who he ( himself ) menace to rape . I just want him out of my life . Out of every good person life . I just want him out of this world . I stopped beliving in karma and rencarnation , I had enough of him from here to the eternity . I can not think ( without panic ) another life under his spell . I just want to go to heaven when my time comes , the only place where someone is going to protect my soul from his emptiness . I just want to hide forever . That ‘ s why I don’ t like this letter . Nobody has the right to feel that these people is entitled to put others trough despair and sorrow . I hope I didn’ t offend you , HG , I very much respect you for everything you teach me , I like to read you , we are different , but we don’ t attack each other , we help each other to understand . I am sorry , I didn’ t enjoy this letter .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No offence taken. I didn’t write the letter so I am unconcerned by your observations about it.

    2. Antifragile says:

      Your feelings are understandable. You suffered and afraid of narcissistic power.

      There are black holes in space, dangerous oceans on the Earth and narcissistic people in society. Just objective reality to count – and no karma will punish them indeed.

      Knowledge is Power. It is the only thing you can use yourself, to change your fear of unknown into power, and provide the loved ones with it also to make them safe.

      And, please, just for justice – I understand your feelings, but let’s not extrapolate: this narc didn’t rape anybody. He made me feel beautiful, and did the same thing to some other girls. That’s a “I want to be wanted” type. I don’t want to feel him to be hated for that.

    3. Jenna says:

      Hi paula,

      You ex narc sounds like the devil. U have every reason to b angry, very very angry.

      U stated: “he made commit suicide to his own adopted boy ) . Its a circle of pain and horror . I don’ t like him keep the rest of his life doing that . I don’ t want his narcissist boy near my sensitive beutiful eleven years old daughter, who he ( himself ) menace to rape .”

      This is unthinkable. I also despise narcs who hurt children. I am very sorry to hear that his adopted son comitted suicide. This breaks my heart. And he threatened to rape ur 11 yr old daughter – sick and disgusting. He shud be castrated.

      I do want to point out that not all of us have experienced such horrible abuse frm our narcs. AF is one such person i am assuming. I am one such person.

      But the abuse u have suffered is beyond imaginable. U have every right to be angrt at ur ex. I wish the best of healing for u. 🌹I will watch for ur posts in the future.

      1. Antifragile says:

        I agree, Jenna.

        Narcs are unique individuals after all, despite the common core.
        This my just hatched demon with a soft wings is no compare to many others. He is the one case, not the rule, that’s why he was worth inspiration to write about.

        I did experience, not so horrible as Paula, but still substantial abuse from two previous ones. It took from me two years each to recover. Hence the nickname Antifragile – “things that gain from disorder”; things that break (what differ them from the just “robust” type of things), but return back to life more and more developed and complicated out of each failure. I suspect the author of the book “Antifragile” is narc. The book is very narcy itself…

        How no suffering was possible in your case? Does it mean he also did no devaluation?
        (Probably you described somewhere in older posts comments, but I never seen this part of your story).
        And also – how do you think, does the fact we both are borders contribute to this place of our dynamics with narcs?

        (When I think he devalue like I do, he idealize like I do – it seems to me I can at least partially feel his reality…)

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