A Good Man In A Bad Job?



I didn’t ask for this you know. I know you did not either but for once let’s not make this about you and let’s talk about me, yes? I never asked to be created so that each and every day I must gather the fuel that is necessary for my existence. Yes, I must eat, I must drink water and I must breathe the air, just as you do, but for me I have another staple requirement of daily living. I must have fuel. Did you choose to always needs food and water? No, you did not. Neither did I. I did not choose to require this fuel either but without it I will cease to exist. What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me. How far would you go to eat? At first it is simple enough is it not? You go to the grocery store or you order online from the supermarket and acquire the ingredients to make a meal or receive a pre-cooked one. You chop, you peel, you mash and you stir and you make that meal. A hundred thousand different recipes to choose from. Instead you may remove the packaging, pierce the cling film and pop it in the over or the microwave. Either way you have food, ready to eat and to sustain you. But what if you had no money to acquire this food, how would you quell the rumblings in your stomach? Perhaps you might ask to be given food from neighbours, from food banks or left overs at supermarkets. It is demeaning but you need to eat don’t you, so what does a little pride matter so long as your stomach is filled? However, what if that charity ends? What if the benevolence of friends and neighbours dries up? What would you do then? What if there are no friends and no neighbours? Would you look to survive on berries you find by the roadside, drink the water from a stream? Would that sustain you for long or would you tire of that? Would you scavenge through the bins outside a supermarket for food that has been thrown out but is perfectly edible? Is that stealing? Perhaps not. Would you cope with the stares of pity and disdain from those who saw you surfing a dumpster?

Would you steal from the shops in order to quell the hunger pangs? Snatch a loaf from a bakery, sneak into a house and steal that cooling pie or rifle through the cupboards in order to find something to eat. What if there is no edible food in the dumpster, would you remove the mould and eat what you find, risking illness? What if the supermarkets ran out of food and there was nowhere to steal it from? Would you scavenge from the orchards until that fruit ran out? Would you catch fish or hunt a lamb or grab a chicken in order to cook and eat it over an open fire? What if the usual sources of meat began to vanish, having fallen prey to starving wild animals following the collapse of civilisation, what then? Would you try new sources? Would you, driven by hunger hunt down and eat a sparrow or a robin? How about an owl? Seagull? Would you slaughter a fox in order to eat its meat? Where would you stop? Would you eat another human being in order to survive? When needs must where would you draw the line? How far would you go to feed yourself and your loved ones? Begging, growing you own, stealing, savagery, cannibalism? Do you have a limit or when the chips are down and your stomach is knotted with the agony of starvation would there be no limit? How far would you go? Would you fight another person for a packet of rice? Beat someone up in order to steal their hoard of windfalls? Would you consider their loss of their food source and their injuries an acceptable consequence of your own necessary survival? Would this become collateral damage in the pursuit of survival? Abhorrent as it may sound, I should imagine, when the need really arises, that you would go beyond the unpalatable in order to survive.

Now replace food with the need for fuel and you will understand that I have no choice other than to gather this fuel from different sources and in different ways throughout the course of each day. The consequences which arise may seem regrettable to you but they are purely the result of this need for me to gain fuel. I did not ask to have to do this, but the way I have been created makes it so. In the same way that you would fight to ensure your own survival, rather than curling up and dying in a hole, so must I. Does that make me what would be regarded as a bad person for just doing what I need to in order to exist? I suggest that it does not. I know that what I do has consequences for others. I am not blind nor am I a fool. I understand fully the devastation that I cause as I tear through someone else’s life like a whirlwind, sucking everything in, hurling it about and then discarding it broken and shattered. I have heard the complaints, the stories, the recollections and the accounts. I have heard the cries of dismay, the wails of misery, the screams of terror and the slow sobs of pain. I know what is caused by my actions but what choice do I have? I do not set out to achieve these things but they must always arise as a consequence of what I must do.

I feel no guilt nor remorse. I am devoid of those emotions. Another consequence of the way I have been created. I feel no shame in these actions, no pity for those who suffer from my behaviours and no sense of empathy for those who are remorselessly cut down by my machinations. I am not burdened by such emotions so I do not toss and turn at night, I do not have my sleep peppered by nightmares of torment, I do not sit in anguish and seek absolution for everything I have done and everything that I am to do. Those concepts are not applicable to me. What I do is invite you to understand me. I want you to understand what I am, what I must do and what arises from this and if you were in my shoes then you would do the same. This does not make me a bad person does it? I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?

36 thoughts on “A Good Man In A Bad Job?

  1. Lori says:

    Nuit Etoilee, Very.Well.Said !

    1. Nuit Étoilée says:

      Thank you! It was rather cathartic – I’d been thinking about it for quite some time now.

      1. Carol M says:

        Nuit Étoilée, c’est super! I loved your analysis. As I left my nex behind and only afterwards found out he was a narc, I started to see his need for attention, approval and praise as a need of a fix of heroin. When I decided to read Christiane F again, I found these similarities:
        1) Heroin addicts cannot ‘function’ without a daily fix, otherwise they are not able to act normally (going to school/work, stay awake, talk normally, even get dressed and comb their hair).
        2) They prefer to have non addicts as intimate partners, otherwise both needs for supply cannot be fullfilled.
        3) They cannot get ridden of being an addict, but they variate the supply of choice: they try to stop with heroin so they get high on alcohol and valium, or get into detox programs with methadone, etc
        4) They admit it is a very harmful habit to others (and to themselves) but they have a very difficult time trying to stop without professional help.
        5) They expect, implicitly or not, their partners to focus on their needs rather than the couple’s needs.

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Merci, Carol, t’es gentille!

        Yes, heroin addiction makes a good analogy – and can’t withdrawal be so bad as to kill a person if they don’t get a fix?

        ..food for thought..

        Thank you for sharing.

        Hope your nex is far away 😊

  2. Nuit Étoilée says:


    You offer us brutal honesty – can you withstand the same in return?

    Already at the absolute beginning, you start from a false premise.

    You do not NEED fuel to live. It is not a fair comparison with food.

    You use fuel to reinforce the barrier to your true self.

    The “creature,” as you call him, is the real you.

    He is the one I would like to love, cherish, protect, soothe.. share joy and ultimately experience ecstasy together..

    ..but I digress. If you want to make the comparison with food – yes, when we are starving we do things we would not ordinarily do.. but here is where your honest comparison is revealed – you’re describing rather someone who is addicted…

    ..because, as you have admitted, you are addicted to fuel..

    so you behave as an addict.. you stop at nothing, you lie, you steal, you hurt those who love you..

    to get your next fix.

    And you honestly ask us, your victims, like those who love you – for permission? For approval for what you do?
    You ask for understanding.. I understand your perspective, as you understand mine, but no.. I cannot accept your behaviour.. because I see a better way..

    No, you go too far.

  3. Carol M says:

    No. Actually, you are trying to make us understand you and your motives so that we do not fall prey to other narcs, while providing you tertiary fuel on a daily basis. How clever of you!

  4. Susan Kay says:

    The ever overwhelming, insatiable, blinding, deafening, raw, seething, crippling, gnawing, gnashing, brimstone evoking, cacophany, of raging impotent émotions that constantly eats at the narcissist, and the empath’s inexpendable/expendable role in squelching those emotions and as a whipping boy when they cannot be contained.
    It is a tough job creating a love story.

  5. Becky says:

    I’m sure there’s a masochist out there just perfect for you.

  6. Salome says:


    1. Jenna says:

      Oui! C’est vrai!

  7. Ugotit says:

    U don’t need fuel to live

    1. HG Tudor says:

      To exist.

      1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

        “Replace food with the need for fuel”
        HG, that’s no way to live. This saddens me. Dailey you feed those hunger pains. All narcissist do.

  8. Joy says:

    Mmmm not to sure about that… can understand where you’re coming from But you really are no better than a rapist. . Not in the physical sense. An emotional rapist.. and should be locked up accordingly..the mental devastation you cause others is as bad if not worse than a physical rape..there should be a law to jail your kind and let you wither away in a solitary jail cell devoid of human contact (fuel)..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I know the chief has City Hall on his back, but the DA won’t buy it.

    2. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

      You are going a little to far. Learn to control your emotional thinking and you’ll fine. Jail is for people who physically harm innocent people, or animals.

      1. Joy says:

        Yes..unfortunately for us emotional abuse of innocent people leaves no physical scars.. lucky for your kind..

  9. Scarlet says:

    A bad man who knows better NOW but continues , doing a very good job writing about narcissism.

  10. dickforlong says:

    The exact conclusion I came to when leaving my ex.

    He is not bad.

    He is not good.

    He is what he is. Accepting who he was allowed me to act.

    Denying… Excusing.. Vilifying. . hating or loving kept me in the relationship. To see clearly allows informed choices.

    He was this person the day before I met him and the day after I left him. I did not create it. But I did volunteer for it.

    Not bad. Not good. Just the indifference of the universe visiting. Even i could see it was not personal… Nothing about it was personal.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have adopted a liberating mind set.

      1. dickforlong says:

        TY – most others get angry with me because I’m not resentful or enough of a victim for them

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      He is what he is. Accepting who he was allowed me to act. *yes*

      Denying… Excusing.. Vilifying. . hating or loving kept me in the relationship. To see clearly allows informed choices. *yes*

      He was this person the day before I met him and the day after I left him. I did not create it. But I did volunteer for it. <–MAYBE

      Not bad. Not good. Just the indifference of the universe visiting. Even i could see it was not personal… Nothing about it was personal.*YES*


      1. dickforlong says:


        TY. I’m glad this comment helps you. I did volunteer for it after a few years in because, although I’ve only recently understood narcissism, I knew he was abusive. I made up my mind to be in it 100% instead of constantly trying to convince myself to leave. I couldn’t suspend my emotional thinking and go NC.

        Ironically my total commitment and acceptance of our relationship (no matter what) allowed me to slowly comprehend with absolute certainty (my heart and head were on the same page) his behavior was completely impersonal.

      2. K says:

        I agree, TZ. And I like the way you think, dickforlong.

      3. dickforlong says:

        TY K.

        I like the ways you and tz think… I naturally gravitate toward your and tappanzees comments. Your struggles and reflections resonate with my own experience.

        Very helpful to have support and insight from you.

    3. geyserempath says:

      OMG, dickforlong, that was so wonderfully worded. Thank you. It is so true.

      1. dickforlong says:

        Geyser thank you! This article is hitting me right between the eyes. It truly reflects my thoughts about the past and my present day narc relationship.

        1. geyserempath says:

          Dickforlong, I am framing your response. It truly isn’t personal! That really hit home and helps me to deal with my narc. I cannot go NC, but can deal with it by detaching.

  11. I can understand this. Logically.

    I am still fighting to not believe that all humans have all the same emotions available to them.

    I would rather avoid you. If I were to interact with you and the damage to me is too high, I will still be angry with you, as you would be angry with me were I to ignore your attempt to gain fuel from me.

    But hate is no longer there.

    Some professions require a very narcissistic person to get the results needed. Still, it is disheartening that anyone should be subjected to the abuse that will create a narcissist, or any of the abuses that twist the psyche into such contortions in an attempt to survive.

    You are what you do. When you do things that benefit others, you are good. When you do things that damage others you are bad. No one is going to be one or the other 100% of the time, and there is also the degree of benefit or damage your actions cause. You are not self satisfied with the action you have taken, only the reflection on you/reaction of the recipient.

    But I am starting to think your last question is an appeal to emotional thinking to distract from how dangerous you are.LOL

    OK, by my definition, here, you are a good man doing a good job.


  12. Jenna says:

    I thought the answer is – a man who has trouble controlling doing a bad job, ie. trouble controlling himself. But idk anymore.

    My ex and i didn’t finish our phone convo the other nite so i texted him that i’d like to finish it. He said sure, so i called him. I told him that there is more i want to say to him, but i don’t due to fear of being blocked. He replied ‘let’s not create a scene that requires blocking’. Wth? I’m starting to think maybe he’s a bad man having to do a bad job.

  13. Jah Princess says:

    No. It all comes down to choices.

  14. Holly Mead says:

    With each horrifying word, I guess I get the picture…of a Vampire.

  15. Windstorm2 says:

    Yes it does and no you’re not. I think a lot of you, HG. And you are doing a lot of good for a lot of people, but you also do a lot of abuse that you have no remorse for and you apparently have no desire to change. The last several articles reinforce this. As long as you continue to do abuse to people on purpose, you do not qualify to be “a good person.”

    You value logic over emotion. Let’s call a spade a spade.

    1. I would say this in relation the narcs I know – if a mad dog was running around in a park, biting people at random, making them very sick in a debilitating way – some permanently ill – what would we do as a society? What if the dog couldn’t help it? What if he’s a danger to all he meets and unable to stop hurting or even killing them?
      We’d put the dog down.

  16. Elise says:

    For me, death is not the worst thing that can happen. Living without integrity is. So I would hope that I would have the courage to stand by my convictions. You are a brave, intelligent man. I know that you can overcome this.

  17. Patricia J says:


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