Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control. The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object. There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation. Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other. We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist. These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell. If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them. You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

10 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation

  1. BlueOcean says:

    An example and the most cruel I tried: The narc had created the expectation that we should meet. So when I was in the city I did what I had been conditioned to do – I begged him to meet which was usually the name of the game and which would usually though many times with a new twist, result in the reward that we met. However, he then made an ABS leaving me completely in the dark and where he would usually give me an indication of meeting. Him knowing that I was in the city and only for a limited time all contributed to an extreme pressure on me to try and meet when there and then in turn extreme fuel for him. After I had pleaded for days and nights and my exasperation and pain was extreme, including that he had geared the ABS by turning off his phone so that sms turned green, he suddenly reappeared asif nothing; he called me on the phone and talked casually and nice and said as if we were to meet. He Said: ’I can come by in an tour’ (him knowing that if we were to meet it should be now). He then added: ’oh it is knocking at the door – let me open’. Then the talking stopped and him being still on the phone it became obvious that he had started having sex with someone (else). Luckily, the pain was replaced by complete disgust. I hung up and throw the phone. 45 min later he then started calling, gaslightning and appearing as if it was all a mistake and that it did not happen and that he was on his way. Him knowing anyway that it was too late to meet. He then told me he had been at the hospital and send me some strange picture of a piece of his body with some white kind of ’bandage’ on it. Clearly a fraud. Yet still I believed if not in what had happened but his intentions. .. So the bottomline is that he triangulated me with another woman only this time he let me know and the mask was off. I failed to recognise all this, engulfed as I was in my emotions and the expectation that he had depicted to me, that we were meeting again. Further, by doing all of this, this was a calculated step in the devaluation plan that took place during a year and that was intended to 1) condition me to respond in the way he wanted so that he then app. 8 months after could do the exact same only now he would not call afterwards, with or without a girl on the phone, but with no attention afterwards showing me I was discarded and for someone else, and that there was no doubt of the discard, 2) show me as always, his ’superiority’ to me and that he was in total control and it all taking place over a year, and with the initial ’opening’ as described, the effect and the pain was quite substantial. So much that I had to escape his house of horrors. Which he didnt bother about this time, since this time it was all orchestrated by him. He was in control. I have not heard from him since and have not myself contacted him. There is a risk that I broke NC by talking with his lieutenants or the like. This was now 3.5 months ago. I appease myself thinking of the time he was with me for a day, and his phone kept ringing and texting and the name in the display showed his IPPS – only he did not know that I knew about who the girl was or maybe it was all on purpose. Either way, that time she was triangulated with me. The man is a total monster with all girls, regardless of their status and it will always be that way, because it has always been that way his entire life. Yet I still manage to find some kind of love and affection for him, inside me. It is absurd.

  2. RJ says:

    Watch out for their lieutenants also to assist in the triangulation. Perhaps just a group of people hanging out somewhere but there is a stranger or an extra shows up with the lieutenants. You start to feel like the outsider as the new person already seems real comfortable and not so stranger like and doesn’t acknowledge your presence much. This is the introduction to your replacement. “They’re just a friend”. Within a short time you will know the truth. Amazingly enough this seems to be the only time the N will be truthful/honest to you. To me it was like, ok dummy here’s the hurtful truth. Can’t you see it stupid? I know you do but you don’t believe it do you? It’s so easy to be made to look stupid when you trust, then are being lied to.

  3. NinaFL says:

    Another great post, HG!! Can social media be used as a means of triangulation?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  4. Antifragile says:

    A fat triangulation method have been used by Mid-Range N (during our dating years). It was time when large pieces of information were habitually exchcanged through small USB flash drives. One day I found on one, besides the intended info, the story written by him. A fantasy where he’s such a hero and he’s saving [his prospect for the next IPPS role] from life-threatening situation. Never idealized me same way – with me he was a bronze jerk, constantly using my family “not good enough” trauma.
    So, he “unintentionally” put the creation there for me to read… He was kind of “dreaming about her for four years already” for that moment, being with me for two. And found this nice way to inform me about it. Was that “dreaming” fabricated for triangulation with me, or true distant “love” he believed in – devil knows now…

  5. UnCLOUDED. says:

    this is also a part of a mental enslavement my control method a sequence are tactic whichever you prefer that is Infamous for making a person fall in love with you with the feelings that they have for something or someone else with this particular manipulation tactic as you as you I see are Calling it triangulation here the narcissist the asshole the horror the frivolous the promiscuous the liar the cheater is intentionally creating drama to make his original Target fall deeply in love with them beginning to cleaned to them more and more inciting jealousy and possessiveness but ultimately it makes the person think that they have stronger feelings for you than they really do and it increases the narcissist desirability level. too bad you guys can’t use all this intelligence in all this slick and all your quick wit and your Gift of Gab to actually do something good for others for the world not just temporary personal gain for yourself.

  6. Tappan Zee says:

    Are the faux pas intentional? Or is it trouble keeping the wires uncrossed. I am going to go out on a limb here. IT IS INTENTIONAL. Yet, again I want to be like “oh, poor him he can’t keep his stories straight..”

  7. Sophie says:

    My ex-narc used triangulation a little differently. He used triangulation as a means of devaluation and smear campaigning. He brought in the new woman, (a friend of mine), told her how horrible and evil I was and how I was deliberately destroying his life, and put her in a privileged position against the villain (me), asking her advice on how to deal with such an unreasonable person. (Mind you, at the time, I was so sick, I was in a hospital, and the only thing I was focused on was survival).

    He then repeated that triangulation with all of our mutual friends (the ones he deemed important. The lesser friends and acquaintances, he didn’t bother with). By the time I recovered (and it was a long recovery, which he completely abandoned me during), I discovered, to my horror, that all my former friends and pseudo-family now thought I was evil incarnate and out to harm my innocent, too-loving-for-his-own-good narc, and they had to protect him from me. He had triangulated all of them, one-by-one, in a campaign to destroy me.

    They never talked to me, they took his word as gospel. He had started a new relationship with the first woman in the triangulation, while I was sick, and wanted to make sure no one would think of him as a bad guy, for doing that behind my back. So, he used triangulation to turn me into some heinous villain, to save his own reputation.

    When I filed for separation, he told them all that I was trying to steal his house. Even though I had moved out and there was no claim against his house in the papers. When I saw these “friends” again, at a social function, they either glared at me or turned away and deliberately ignored me. It was obvious his plan to destroy me and turn himself into a put-upon martyr, using triangulation, had worked.

    I went into therapy for the next year plus, and my therapist called what he was doing triangulation. If I (or she) has the meaning wrong, please let me know.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, that is triangulation. You often get triangles within triangles.

  8. LB says:

    This makes me sick. I never could make sense if it all until now. Now, I would do almost anything to be able to sit back to go through that phone. Yikes!

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