Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist




The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded.  Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?

When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –

  1. If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
  1. If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
  1. Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
  2. Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
  3. Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.

Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.

  1. If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
  1. We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
  2. We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
  3. The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.

In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.

Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.

In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.

There are three points to bear in mind.

The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.

The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.

The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.

Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,

“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”

11 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist

  1. Suzanne says:

    Hi, Mr. Tudor

    Thanks a lot for your work; it has been my spoon to carve a tunnel to escape through .I’ve read all of them (not all the books, yet, but all and every post )

    I went NC 36 days ago, and after a couple of weeks of crying and mouning all over the house, I found myself again.

    Weak, exhausted , sad. But myself. I miss him, of course, but now I know that “him” I miss is not but a mirage.

    Immediatly after he was scolding me at phone(once again), I went NC.
    I think he tried to hoover me by email (I completely forgot about it) , asking me for his personal belongings that remained at home. I gave them to him wirthout a word.

    A fornight after, he sent me an stupid video about inner healing and akin nonsenses. Not a word from me.

    But when I read your post on Empathic supernova I could not stand , and I sent him. Just the video. Not a word.

    I know it’s stupid to think it’s not a no contact suicide; I know it is. But I felt it as a spell; immediatlely I felt free.

    Now I sleep again all in one go and I have recovered dreams( I have stopped dreaming -or recalling it- since devaluation started).

    Now Ithink I can move on and forget him as a real person and remeber him just like a nightmare.

    Thanks again

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome. Continue to read as it will ensure your logic prevails and your emotional thinking is kept under control as far as possible.

  2. sarabella says:

    I removed myself from all spheres of opportunist hoovering. It won’t happen. The only way he could ever hoover me is if he were to unblock me or send me a message on FB and risk that I would not accept it. Neither one of those will happen. And there is no way he could accidentally remind me of his presence by liking a post or commenting on something I might write between mutual friends as I got rid of them all. So…. Wish I could make a bet with HG…. If I win that he never hoovers me, I win. If he loses, he has to reveal who he is…. rotfl…. 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And what do I win when you are wrong and he hoovers you?

      1. Sarabella says:

        You win fuel for being right! Lol

  3. Sandra says:

    What are your thoughts HG regarding the narcissist discarding a nine year old child. His only son, one day here the next day gone – abandoned for 6 weeks straight. Coparenting is a useless exhausting effort in which I have limited my ex husbands “coming and “goings” out of our son’s life. I am wondering HOW THE HELL DOES A MAN JUST DISCARD HIS SON AT 9 YEARS OLD and not feel any emotion or care of the direct consequences it has on his child. Now I know 8 months since we were discarded that he has no empathy, I still cannot understand however how his son isn’t being hoovered or given any attention.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Based on the individual being a narcissist it is entirely conceivable that the narcissist would disengage from the child. The narcissist does what is necessary for his existence, unburdened by conscience and notions of accountability.

  4. demoneater says:

    Do the hoover attempts ever stop if you keep blanking them? I think there have been 2 or 3 so far and I have given no response. Will he give up at some point? I realize that every case is different but if you had some idea . . ? Thank you in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The attempts to hoover are likely to lessen if you keep ignoring them because the narcissist is not getting any fuel and thus it becomes a redundant act since you have become a F.R.E.E. – the time it takes however depends on other variables amongst the Hoover Execution Criteria.
      He will stop if he gains a new IPPS, but then resume once that person is in devaluation. You can reduce the risk with a rigid no contact regime.

  5. Jude the Obscure says:


  6. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor ….

    Why the hell would I want to hear from the narcissist ?

    I’m not a masochist !

    Fabulous article !

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