Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages ? – Part Two


Having explained why the various schools of narcissist fails to respond to your text messages when you are the primary source, it also falls to be considered why this is done with three classes of secondary source namely The Intimate Partner Secondary Source, The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Partner Secondary Source.

The Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”)

This person is either somebody who is being seduced by our kind for the purposes of being promoted to become the new primary source at the appropriate time or is someone who has not secured the promotion but is someone we regard as too valuable to discard. Accordingly, the IPSS might be someone who is “on the up” in terms of seduction as we look to ensure they will be a reliable and high-functioning primary source or it might be someone who did not make ‘the cut’ but since we have invested time and effort in them and their fuel (plus other benefits) they are still of use to us. So, what does it mean if we are not responding to your text messages when you are the IPSS?

During Initial Seduction

It is the IPSS who experiences the most intense of seductions. You will have begun as a tertiary source, a stranger who has been targeted for your potential. You are therefore very quickly promoted to a secondary source and since sex is such a weapon of mass seduction, you will have been further promoted to the position of IPSS. As we look to promote you to the primary source, you will experience the love-bombing and the manifestation of our infatuation through the near ceaseless text messaging.

When there is a hiatus in the text messaging this is not a devaluation but is rather done to test you to see how you respond. If you are relaxed about this change, for instance you have grown used to a text always at 8am and then we do not send one, but you do not respond to this failure in any way, we will be disappointed. If however you text us at 8-01 am asking us how we are (your attempt to find out why we have not texted without asking as such) then we will be pleased with your response and in such a circumstance likely to respond immediately again. Any kind of delay in responding or period of silence is done purely to test how quickly you will respond and what you will send in your response to us. This is not devaluation. The delay will only be for a short period of time, a few hours or so, as it is a test and we do not want to risk losing your interest. Accordingly, if you do not respond for a few hours (although this is highly unlikely) we will contact you (if it was a devaluation the silence would continue for far longer). Furthermore, when you do respond, we will reply to you after a handful of your messages in a short time period, again because we do not want to risk losing your interest and we are satisfied that you are responding in the way that we approve of.

During the Golden Period Seduction

If the targeting and the initial seduction proved successful then you will have been promoted from IPSS to primary source and therefore you ought to have regard to the circumstances of this article Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? – Part One

If however you have not been promoted to primary source but you have not been discarded, then we have opted to keep you connected to us as an IPSS. You will be aware that you have not been promoted because we will still see the wife or girlfriend (or if none was ever mentioned) you will not see us as often as you once did during the Initial Seduction. You may think that this is a devaluation. It is not. You are now in the Golden Period Seduction for an IPSS. This means we still regard you as ‘good’, we want your fuel, but unlike a IP Primary Source we will not avail ourselves of the fuel as often. This means that the fuel you provide as a IPSS does not go stale, but rather we intermittently return to you. We in effect keep you hanging on, future-faking as to what might happen but we have no intention of promoting you (just yet although circumstances may change further down the line) since we deemed you not to make the grade.

What will be happening now is that we will

a. Continue with the devaluation of the primary source;

b. Continue to engage with you as an IPSS; and

c. We will be engaging with another IPSS in the Initial Seduction Period

Accordingly, when your messages are not being returned in these circumstances again it is not because of a devaluation but it is because we have ‘put you back on the shelf’ and we are engaging with the primary source and/or new IPSS who we are looking to promote. You remain of use to us but this is an intermittent use.

Understand therefore that the silences (and they can be protracted) are not because we have turned against you, but because we are busy elsewhere. You may notice that you do receive some replies but they are short and perfunctory in nature

“Busy. Will call later.”

“Can’t talk. Meeting.”

“Busy but miss you.”

“Tied up but will message later.”

These crumbs of comfort are provided because we do not want to lose you, we enjoy the fuel that is received from you messaging us and because you remain in the Seduction Golden Period we have no need to devalue you, it just is not your turn to have time with us.

You can find yourself held in this position for a very long time. Not good enough to become the primary source but not bad enough to devalue and discard.

The Devaluation

The Devaluation of an IPSS is rare because we like to keep you around as a reliable and occasional fuel provider. We invested time in you and because you function whenever we turn to you (you are delighted to gain some time with us at last) your fuel always appears potent to us, thus we have no need to devalue.

Devaluation would only take place if you began to refuse to see us when we decided it was time to pay you a visit or you no longer provided us with fuel. Once this has happened we consider you to be a malfunctioning IPSS and we will devalue you. This means that we will ignore your text messages, you will not get crumbs of comfort and the period of ignoring you will be extensive until we do decide to respond. The response will be malign in nature. Thus if you are an IPSS you will know that:-

a. Extensive delays to reply to your repeated messages; and

b. When the response finally comes it is malign in nature

means that you are being devalued.

The Discard

In the rare event that you have been discarded as an IPSS then you are immediately painted black and it is as if you do not exist. We do not regard you as even worth bothering with for negative fuel (although of course we will still derive some from your messages but we will not prod you for more) and therefore if you do not get a reply to your text messages begging for a reply and an explanation, it is because we regard you as an irritation, beneath dealing with and in all likelihood you will end up blocked.

The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”)

The DSIPSS is the person who is kept hidden away but is dipped into for excellent fuel with considerable regularity ( see more Dirty Little Secret )

The Initial Seduction Period

This will be intense in a similar way to that described above as concerning the IPSS. There is unlikely to be any delay in replying to text messages because there is no need to test you. Your role has been decided on as DSIPSS and you will never become the primary source. Your function is to be available at a set time or times each week for those secret trysts where the clandestine nature of the connection increases the potency of the fuel since you are likely to be The Other Woman. As we embed you (and do so quickly) into this role we will respond to your messages because we do not want to:-

a. Risk losing you; and

b. You trying to contact other people you may know mutually which then risks exposing our dirty secret

thus there will be no failure to reply.

The Seduction Golden Period

Just like the IPSS you are slotted into a longstanding golden period because you are used intermittently. Whilst kept secret, you will be seen more often than an IPSS who is in the Seduction Golden Period. That IPSS has failed to become the primary source but is kept and strung along for future use. You were never going to be the primary source and you are seen more often because the nature of your fuel is a two hour fuel injection before we disappear back to the primary source.

It is the nature of the DSIPSS that because they know of the primary source, they are less likely to badger us through messages. There will not be any intentional failure to respond to the messages of the DSIPSS and often the reply will explain why we cannot speak or message at length but the content of the message will be complimentary, encouraging and contain future faking, whilst slating the primary source,amounted to improved crumbs of comfort. Indeed there will often be an explanation given to explain when we are next available (the IPSS would not be afforded this)

“Can’t message for long, got to take the witch to her friends so will message you around 8pm, can’t wait to kiss you again.”

“Difficult to text, she is still here. Will message again as soon as I can. Really missing you and want to show you just how much asap.”

“Hi sex machine, stuck at present, will msg after 6pm xxxxxxxxxxx”

Thus if you find that your messages are always answered, your expectations managed and you know there is a primary source involved, you are a DSIPSS who is in the lengthy seduction golden period.

The Devaluation

It is very rare for a DSIPSS to be devalued because of their compliance, acceptance of their role and the delicious turbo boost of fuel which they provide every so often. We do not become bored of the DSIPSS’ fuel and devaluation would only take place if the DSIPSS eventually decides that he or she wants more or tires of their role, in effect working out that they are just a dirty little secret. If there are demands for more time, threats to expose the arrangement or the fuel is diminished then we may apply some more sugar to calm the situation, but if this is unlikely to work then we will turn to threats and devaluation. We will then cut the DSIPSS adrift and make them persona non grata. We will not respond to any of the messages for a long time and once we do the response will be savage, malign and threatening in order to ensure that the DSIPSS stays silent.

The Discard

Just like the IPSS, the discard is rare, but if it does happen, your messages will be ignored because not only are you painted black by us, we wish you would just disappear because as a DSIPSS you have the potential to cause us problems. By not answering we are denying your existence. We are unlikely to block you because we want to keep an eye on what you are doing in case it proves necessary to dole out a malign follow-up hoover in order to keep you in line, but we will monitor your texts but not reply. We are no longer as interested in your fuel, but it is rather the reaction of wishing you would just go away and let us get on with our machinations in peace.

The Non-Intimate Secondary Source (“NISS”)

This will include inner and outer circle friends along with colleagues.

The Initial Seduction

This happens quickly as it does not take too much effort to bind this person to us as friend or colleague as a NISS and the reality is that there is unlikely to ever be an occasion, or indeed time for a failure to respond to the text messages occurring.

The Seduction Golden Period

As explained elsewhere, the NISS enjoys a near permanent golden period because their fuel is only relied on intermittently and thus remains potent. The NISS is also often very loyal and receives bribing benefits from our kind, so the seduction golden period will continue for a long time.

If there is a failure to reply to text messages it is because we are busy about something else. The NISS whilst important to us, is expendable and therefore the messages of a NISS will not be treated with priority. The fuel obtained whilst good, is not the highest and generally, in tandem with our concept of superiority and control, consider that the NISS once bound is not going to become disloyal because we have been slow to respond to text messages. We take the view that they will conclude we are just busy and they will patiently wait for a reply. We have no need to rush and no need to devalue them during this stage. Accordingly, if you are a NISS and your messages are not being responded to, it is because we are busy doing something else and you are not a priority.

The Devaluation

The devaluation of a NISS is very rare, but if it does happen then the failure to respond will be elongated in time, with many messages piling up unanswered before we eventually respond with a scathing put down. There will be no words of comfort, no excuses offered but an unpleasant reply designed to draw fuel from you.

The Discard

The discard of a NISS is also rare but if it does happen, it is as if you are struck from the record, made persona non grata and in all likelihood you will be blocked. We freeze you out and no doubt have already replaced you with someone else. Your messages seeking explanations and reconciliation will be unheeded and indeed in many instances not even yet, such is your inferior status to us.

56 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages ? – Part Two

  1. Vnarcobsessed says:

    Do narcissists tend to Hoover in the same time frame as they did previously? Does their pattern tend to stay the same? As a sipss, this is my third disengagement/silent treatment, but the first time I blocked him everywhere. I’m curious to know if he will try to contact me as he did before despite the difficulty of being blocked.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The pattern arises from whether there is a Hoover Trigger and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

  2. Jess says:

    Why do narcissists start a sentence with “Will” such as “Will call later”, “Will text you”, “Will know more”, “Will follow up”, etc. I know of 3 that do this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no “I” so if we do not do it, we can maintain we did not actually say we would do it.

  3. Insatiable Learner says:

    Geyserempath, I am glad my questions helped your understanding too.

  4. geyserempath says:

    I wasn’t shelved due to not being good enough to be promoted to IPPS, his mom is his IPPS and until she passes away, he doesn’t need another one. What I don’t understand is can his mom, as IPPS, actually become devalued? Most Narcs devalue the wife IPPS and pick up a mistress IPSS. His mom would be thrilled if he got married, so why does he pick up new IPSSs if not devaluing his IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      She is a NIPS (unless there is an incestuous relationship which can happen) and yes she can be devalued.
      He picks ups IPSSs because she is non-intimate.

      1. geyserempath says:

        HG – Of course, how stupid of me…that makes perfect sense. I did mean NIPS, not IPPS (no incest going on there). Come to think of it, I have seen devaluation of her when he waves her away from him. Thank you so much, HG!!!

  5. SadSteffi says:

    Hello HG,

    All his IPSSs are DSIPSSs. Does this mean that none of us will ever become the IPPS under any circumstance and that he will only seek out a new IPSS to promote to IPPS & that the current IPPS will always remain in situ unless replaced by the new IPSS and not by a DSIPSS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not necessarily. A DSIPSS can become an IPPS. Essentially a person is a DS because

      (a) They are a very good source of fuel but do not really contribute by way of character traits and/or residual benefits because they are not viewed as ‘acceptable’ to the narcissist’s facade thus they are kept a secret. For instance, a doctor who regards the stripper DS as incongruous with his middle class lifestyle but nevertheless is very good for fuel. This person is less likely to become the IPPS ; or
      (b) They are a very good source of fuel, have character trait and residual benefits BUT the narcissist is mindful of presenting a ‘wholesome’ image and therefore the DS is kept hidden so as to not damage this part of the facade. This person has a higher chance of becoming the IPPS because they are more ‘acceptable’ than (a) but cannot be accepted for the time being because the narcissist is married and wishes to maintain the image of being a faithful husband.

      1. SuperXena says:

        Just adding( if what I wrote was not enough)…think that by having you now as a DSIPSS and hiding you for whatever reason he might have is denigrating and abusive in itself for YOU. Do not allow that to continue..leave him instead!

      2. All out of Fuel says:

        “(b) They are a very good source of fuel, have character trait and residual benefits BUT the narcissist is mindful of presenting a ‘wholesome’ image and therefore the DS is kept hidden so as to not damage this part of the facade. This person has a higher chance of becoming the IPPS because they are more ‘acceptable’ than (a) but cannot be accepted for the time being because the narcissist is married and wishes to maintain the image of being a faithful husband.”

        Yup. Pretty much this! Ten fold! Especially the last sentence. The girl before me “almost” became IPPS but went back to DSIPSS when he was caught with her.

      3. SadSteffi says:

        Thank you

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi 12345….you hit it on the nail! There is no promotion when youre moved up to primary. Its the opposite the less time spent with the narc the more the facades in place. The primary is the one that sees behind the mask more and who the narc gets bored of and devalues. You dont want to be promoted.

      5. Bibi says:


        This isn’t the narc relationship that almost wrecked me. This guy was just some schlub looking for attention. And I simply draw the line at a sex offense (guilty plead) and multiple arrests and months in incarceration. Ridiculous!

        The other relationship was with a Mid Ranger and he was far more damaging and insidious psychologically, while this guy was not smart enough to do that. Hence why he had to fabricate his entire life to me, ’cause had I known his real past–ugh! Nasty.

        For me personally, the Upper Schools are a lot harder to deal with because they are smarter and not losers like the Lessers. They know how to make you look crazy. For me, once the guy begins displaying those ‘Lesser Tactics’ — arrests, violence, no real involvement in his education or enhancing his mind, I’m pretty much done.

    2. SuperXena says:

      Hello Sadsteffi,

      This observation can feel very straight forward and harsh but:

      Why if you are with a narcissist as a DSIPSS would you be wanting to get” promoted ” instead of leaving him in the very first place?
      By reading your comment it sounds to me that you want that to happen?

      Seriously, do you think that being “promoted “to being an IPPS is a win?

      He still is a narcissist and will ever be one regardless where in the fuel matrix you are..
      Do you want to continue being abused but with a “higher ” rank (if we can even call that so)!
      Abuse is abuse!!!

      1. SadSteffi says:

        Thank you, I know you are right my logical thinking tells me this. I need to keep a check on my emotional thinking. So hard for lots of reasons

        1. 12345 says:

          I was the DSIPSS for years and wanted to be promoted to IPSS because I thought she got more of what I wanted…the Golden Period.

          I had no idea that her life was a CONSTANT hell until I found HG. Yes, I was disengaged with many times but I never really suffered the merciless smearing that the victims who ranked higher than me did.

          And the one who has stayed with him for 48 years of marriage? I sincerely don’t know how she hasn’t died of mental and emotional abuse because she’s voluntarily taken more than I ever got. Guess that’s the cost of wearing the crown.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Valid points.

        2. SuperXena says:

          Your welcome SadSteffi,

          I know I can be very straight forward sometimes, I hope I did not hurt your feelings.
          I do not know you ( or any of the bloggers here) but I have two very close friends ( in my private life) that I am very thankful to.

          They have followed me through all this process: one was sugar-coating (as you say in English) everything and the other one was very straight forward with observations that felt and functioned as a brutal shake telling me : wake up woman!

          Sometimes you need an awakening shake…I hope it works for you.

      2. Bibi says:

        If I may interject, I’ve mentioned in a couple of threads how I have had this Lesser Somatic once seduce/flirt with me, albeit I came to learn after the fact what a sicko he was (sex offense, serial cheater, multiple arrests, incarceration, etc.)

        Under NO circumstances would I want this guy in my life. In fact, I look at it not working out as my having dodged a bullet. Thank God!

        However, he did discard me in favour of this trainwreck of a girl who has mugshots of her own. And she looks terrible now that she is with him. I pity her.

        Having said that, the only thing that was hurt was my ego. It does go through our minds this idea that he thought SHE was somehow BETTER and WORTHY of his ‘commitment’, despite her disastrous life indicating otherwise.

        So that’s why I have asked about him from time to time–not because I care about him or want him but out of my own ego. And the fact that it brings me pleasure to know he is bored with his fuel.

        1. SuperXena says:

          Hello Bibi,

          What you wrote makes perfectly sense.

          It is extraordinary that you have decided that you do not want him in your life again!

          It feels sometimes that the ones that are still entangled with a narcissist as IPSS ,DLSISS or any other position in the fuel matrix, (that it is not as IPPS ) are struggling to leave the narcissist being hooked by the hope of becoming an IPPS.

          They believe that by becoming an IPPS things will be better.

          That is absolutely NOT the case: it is a lot worse.

          Of own experience as an IPPS for 6 years to a narcissist of the upper school( which I finally escaped from) I could shortly describe it as going to hell back and forth:

          It felt like living in a permanent dream ( nightmare) like Alice in Wonderland ,like walking death through a labyrinth that lead nowhere….

          – The Golden Period was intense as the inevitable brutal (first) fall that came after.
          – The proximity to the Narcissist made the devaluations more frequent ,more raw, more brutal . Taking you from the pedestal to put you down in a blink of an eye resulting with time (without you noticing it) in a state of permanent confusion , dizziness
          and almost paralysis.
          – The restated Golden Periods( when he felt I was leaving him) were each time even more intense but shorter with the equally intense and brutal inevitable fall .
          -The subtle manipulations: gas-lighting ,intimidation ,withdrawal etc. with time turned to be more the rule than the exception …there comes a point when you do not know what is real or not, what is true or not, what is ” normal” or not..you start losing your touch with reality…you become a “duality”, “fragmented”, you do not feel “whole” ….

          To put it short: it was consuming, eroding ,paralysing, suffocating

          …..There is absolutely nothing romantic to be an iPPS of a narcissist.

          It is a constant state of defending your personal boundaries (that were transgressed frequently just enough to keep me confused but not so brutal to break me completely or lose me) and struggling to keep yourself in touch with reality.

          Who wants that? Really?

          You are right: be sure that his new IPPS does not feel alright now. She is probably by now going through hell.

          You should feel sympathy and pity for her instead and be grateful it is not you.

  6. Mess says:

    So, if any of these are discarded, in this case it is final right? The rule of always hoovering does not apply? So no need to go to great lengths to go no contact correct? I mean just staying silent yourself should be enough, no need to change numbers and lockdown your social media?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Mess says:

        Sorry HG, I am not clear on what you meant by no “no they don’t hoover these types” or “no it is not right that they don’t hoover these types”

        1. HG Tudor says:

          To clarify using the original comment

          “So, if any of these are discarded, in this case it is final right?” – No, it is not final.
          The rule of always hoovering does not apply? – No, it does apply.
          So no need to go to great lengths to go no contact correct? No, you need to apply no contact.
          I mean just staying silent yourself should be enough, no need to change numbers and lockdown your social media? No, that is not enough, you should do this things and more.

      2. Mess says:

        Thanks for clarifying HG. I guess it was wishful thinking when I thought you were saying otherwise. I feel like a hostage having to be so vigilant, but I really don’t want to deal with his smug manipulations ever again so I guess I’ll keep myself off social media and off his radar. I used to walk to work and the direct way way past his office building. I now walk some long convoluted out of the way route just to avoid the chance of accidentally encountering him on the way. It’s such a pain in the butt.

    2. Melissa says:

      From my experience they ALWAYS COME BACK, no matter How much time has passed,thinking they can pick up where where they left off. NO matter How much you have changed or What’s going on in your life! RUNNNN NO CONTACT. GREY ROCK METHOD

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        This seems to only apply to IPPS, Melissa. So the rest of us have nothing to worry about.

    3. 12345 says:

      Don’t be fooled, Mess. All measures are necessary. For me, not taking every single no contact measure was a cover for wanting to know if he ever hoovered me. I got the chance to know alright. Huge mistake. Massive.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        12345, what if you were never the IPPS, surely, there is nothing to worry about in terms of hoovering?

        1. 12345 says:

          There is never nothing to worry about. Keep reading.

      2. Mess says:

        It’s not easy for me to change my phone number. It’s my work number that he has. I’d like to think he’s forgotten about me because I wasn’t cooperative. It’s a huge hassle if not impossible to change it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed and if that is the case you should look at implementing a gate keeper with regard to your work phone.

        2. 12345 says:

          Block him. No contact it not impossible but the truth is that we don’t want to. We want them to love us and come back. They don’t love us and they will never give us what we need. Ever.

      3. Mess says:

        And were you an IPPS? I was halfway between a dirty secret and an IPSS so I really think he thinks I am shit. He’s far too grand to Hoover the likes of me. All of his pathetic ex girlfriends cried his Facebook wall jockeying for his attention with asskisding comments and praise; he won’t notice I am missing.

        1. 12345 says:

          Mess, I say this with the utmost respect and compassion. And, yes, he told people he was leaving his wife for me.

          You want him to Hoover you because you might still have hope that it would mean something so you protest and tell yourself he won’t for affirmation that he will. Us empaths are desperate for hope.

          He will. It will feel good for less than a minute and then you will realize the truth of what HG has taught you has penetrated too deeply for you to believe the Hoover is genuine. I get it. I longed for a Hoover but protested that it would never happen so that people would tell me that it would. It’s completely understandable but it’s not real.

          You will get your Hoover and it will re-wound you. It’s just a part of our journey.

      4. Insatiable Learner says:

        12345, you sound very strong and determined. I admire that. How did you get to this point if you don’t mind sharing.

        1. 12345 says:

          Reading here. Making mistakes. Having set backs and consultations with HG. He’s not lying. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that none of us are unique. We are all empaths waiting to be wanted and chosen by the person who we desperately want to love us. Only you can’t give what you don’t have. Narcissists have nothing to give. I still struggle but I come back here and read, read and read some more. I consult HG when I’m in trouble. I have to be honest about my motives. I hate it but I don’t have a choice. The person that I loved never existed.

      5. Mess says:

        12345 No, you get me wrong. I thought a Hoover would happen because I thoam got they Hoover all supply. So I have not logged onto Facebook or opened WhatsApp in three months and was thinking to change my number – though he never liked calling that much . But when I read this particular article by HG, I thought maybe I didn’t have to be so hyper vigilant, as I thought it was saying secondary sources aren’t in danger of a Hoover. And that would be a relief because it sucks losing all my other contacts through Facebook and WhatsApp, particularly extended family. So no, I don’t want it at all. You don’t know me or my whole story. If he does Hoover me, which I don’t think he will, I am not going back to him and he will not get a positive reaction from me. I was already growing tired of him and in the end He treated me in a way that I felt so degraded. And I purposely told my sons and my sister what he did so that if he ever did try to Hoover me I would never even be tempted fall for it again (and it would have to be some extraordinary Hoover to even tempt me, so that’s not likely anyway). This is a method that I have deliberately employed in the past that works effectively for me. As long as I still feel hope and want things to work out I will keep mum about my misgivings about someone. But once i want it to be over, I tell my family because they would never forgive me if I dove deeper into a relationship with a disgusting pig. I care more about what my family thinks of me – that they respect me – than anything else in the world. I am not like some who even when presented with hard evidence of the narc’s shittiness keep going back. Once they cross a certain line, I hate them and will never return. I don’t live him now, and I can’t feel good in his company now, or attracted to him – all of that is dead – and those are the only reasons for being involved with someone you’re not married to and have no kids with. I would still prefer not to ever have to deal with him again. He’s a bad memory. My problem regarding narcs is not that I hang on and pine for them once they have shown their really ugly colors, it’s that when I move on and eventually think I have found someone better, I somehow find another narc of a different flavor.

        1. 12345 says:

          My apologies, Mess. I misunderstood. Have a good day.

      6. Mess says:

        HG what do you mean by gatekeeper for my work phone? How do I do that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See ‘No Contact’ the answer and methods are in there.

          1. Mess says:

            Thanks HG

      7. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you, 12345, for sharing about your journey. Wishing you the very best.

  7. All out of Fuel says:

    I am/was a DLSIPSS and I have a question regarding this paragraph ….

    “By not answering we are denying your existence. We are unlikely to block you because we want to keep an eye on what you are doing in case it proves necessary to dole out a malign follow-up hoover in order to keep you in line, but we will monitor your texts but not reply. We are no longer as interested in your fuel, but it is rather the reaction of wishing you would just go away and let us get on with our machinations in peace.”

    This pretty much describes where I’m at. But I believe you said it was a corrective devaluation. Blocking has been threatened but is never followed through with and he has continued to keep tabs on me on social media.

    However, the latest wrench that has been thrown into the game is that a few weeks ago I was unfriended and unfollowed on social media. I was not blocked from seeing his things but he removed himself from seeing mine. I confronted him about it in a sarcastic manner and he told me that he unfollowed me because he could not stand to see my pictures anymore. It was “too much for him to bear”….

    If he no longer wants to “keep an eye on what I’m doing” and he removes himself from my social media does that mean that I have finally been discarded?

  8. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, so based on the article, if there was never any malign communication from the narc towards the intimate secondary source (IPSS or DLS), does this mean she was never devalued?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A silent treatment is not a malign communication but is devaluation, so you could still be devalued even though you have not received any unpleasant messages.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        What if the narc always responded to communication initiated by the IPSS/ DLS within a reasonable time and benignly?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Then that person is painted white.

    2. Insatiable Learner says:

      Thanks so much for your response, HG!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome.

      2. geyserempath says:

        Insatiable Learner – Thank you for asking those questions. I am painted white.

  9. Joodles says:

    So I’m a little addicted to your site …. like pure addiction …
    I’ve been discarded as a NISS (she basically threw a rage at me cause i caught her lying to her IPPS and her IPPS confronted her about it) She used to be my gym trainer. Since her tantrum she randomly texts me now and then. When i text back she would ignore me for about a week then reply to me telling me that she is very busy etc and when i ignore her text she would text me the following day stating “good talk lol”.

    She asked me to come (if i wanted too) and do her class at the gym. I am finding it so hard to understand what she wants? If i have been discarded shouldn’t she just leave me alone … I get the random hoovers but asking me to do her class? is she trying to get me to her class so i can get the silent treatment ?

    Mind you for about 4 months or so we were inseparable.. bum chums if you want to call it that. I pretty much did everything for this girl … like a crazy person … got her medication, paid for her private lessons, paid for her food, took days off work so i can help her move, she still owes me a lot of money, spent about $800 on her birthday present, topped off her rent when she needed to, went to the bank to deposit her rent money, drive her here and there, paid for everything whenever we went out so basically like a personal slave…. the list just goes on and on and on and on ….

  10. Melissa says:

    Didn’t know if it went through the first time😀

  11. Melissa says:


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