Every Victim Is Lying

EVERY VICTIM IS LYING

I must adopt the standpoint that every one of my victims is lying. There is no hope for me to be any different. You level accusations at me and I know you are lying because the comments make no sense to me. I gave you a fabulous and perfect love and you accepted that. You willingly entered into a union with me and with that you received my largesse and favour. You did not demur or hesitate. Instead, you embraced everything wonderful about what I gave you. Be it the expensive gifts, eloquent expressions of my love or the seemingly never-ending array of glamorous occasions to attend, you took them all. Do you have any idea how much energy I channelled into doing this for you? The repeated text messages, the “sudden appearances” which were in fact carefully crafted and organised, the many telephone calls that I made to you at all different times? All of that took a considerable effort on my part. Yet now, when I am tired and I lose my temper you accuse me of not caring. How can I not care? I am with you am I not? Have you forgotten everything that I ever did for you? It seems to me that you have. What was that vow you said with such enthusiasm, for better and for worse? You have had the better (in fact you received the best) and now it is time for some of the worse, yet you will not tolerate that will you? No, it is clear that you lied. You lied when we got married because now you are reneging on that vow. How do you think that makes me feel? Is it any surprise that I am angry with you when you question me since you have no standing to do so?

You accuse me of not listening. That is another lie. What is there for me to hear? You trot out the same old allegations which are unfounded. At times I cannot discern what you are actually saying because you are so hysterical. How on earth can I listen to you when you behave like that? It is downright unreasonable. You go off and complain about me to your friends and family. That is charming. You are denigrating me in their eyes and that is uncalled for. Yes, I may do it about you, but that is with some justification I might add. You also said you would forsake all others, yet how many times have I caught you flirting with other men from your workplace? What about those pictures of you and your friends with those men you met in a bar which were posted on Facebook. You thought I would not see them didn’t you? Yes, I keep a careful eye on what your friends’ post as they are not to be trusted, leading you astray when you promised that you would do not. Is it any wonder I feel compelled to spend time with other people when you treat me like this?

You accepted everything wonderful that I gave you and now when it is time to give back and add some balance to the equation you seek to escape your responsibilities by accusing me of all manner of misdemeanours and malevolent behaviour. Your hypocrisy sticks in my craw. I know your game, I have you in my eye. You are seeking to deflect attention from your own wrongdoing by telling lies about me. Ha! I have you worked out missy, I always have and you are not as smart as me. You deliberately misunderstand what I say. You imply and insinuate when I have made myself clear. I will not be beaten by your mendacity, no I will not. I will stand strong and ensure that I reflect back on to you the lies you have told. I must do this to avoid your desire to crush and destroy my fragile self with your perfidious ways. I never knew you could be so evil.

68 thoughts on “Every Victim Is Lying

  1. Sweden says:

    HG, I’m curious. Where do you consider that limits range from being narcissistic to narcissistic personality disorder? That’s a damn difference. Many people have narcissistic traits and, in certain circumstances, would show narcissistic tendencies without having a personality disorder. I have been unfaithful, for example, leaving my ex brutally and going back and forth to him. My ex might think I’m a narcissist. When I get injured, I can use silence treament until I get an apology. The thing is that empathetic people sometimes make crazy things and thats life. What do you think about that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have always maintained that everybody has narcissistic traits differing in number and strength alongside empathic ones (unless they are a narcissist and there are then no empathic traits). It is a spectrum.

      1. M&M says:

        Yes Mr Tudor I agree, I have question some of my behavior on what I have read from you, human nature sometimes does not allow us to really look into ourselfs

  2. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,

    I believe it’s popular to write ones own wedding vows these days.
    I’ve always thought… a “renewable contract” …. people change! Haha

    Thankyou for sharing your perspective, so we can make sense of it, it is extremely valuable information

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. M&M says:

    Yes, he has never any fault from me to co workers to the person driving next to him, we were married 6 years and the devauluation started last year, during the last year he moved out moved in around 4 times, yes I did not know what he was!!! He reconnected with his ex during that time, and now he lives with her, as hurt and mad at him and the situation I started dating again and yes I did it where he would know and despite him coming and going and living with his new girlfriend I was the one who broke this marriage!

    1. Jasmine says:

      M&M,
      They expect to do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and you are supposed to just sit there and take it. Otherwise, you are wrong.

      1. M&M says:

        Yes they have a certain way of doing so, I would be in awe at some of the things he would say to justify his actions, or how easy it was to blame someone else,regarding work

    2. Jasmine says:

      And the warped part? They -like- it. They enjoy the turmoil this causes. Like a bunch of court jesters, stirring up trouble.

    3. Jenna says:

      Hi MM,

      I am sorry for what you went thru. Is he a midranger? Was there no devaluation in the first five yrs of marriage? Ty.

      1. M&M says:

        Jenna, thank very kind of you, for what I have read from Mr Tudor I’m thinking he is a upper mid range, although he does have some outbreaks like a lower only when alcohol is involved. He is very smart, attractive, although most people did not agree lol, very talkative he could literally converse with anybody anywhere anything, he is in oil and gas industry, moved up somewhat quickly, but stepped down a year later manages to keep the same pay, so I’m still trying to pin point exactly what range he his

        1. Jenna says:

          Hi MM,

          The middle midranger is an expert at faking kindness. So far, that is my guess as to what he is. You can always have an email or audio consult with hg if u wud like to know.

        2. Jasmine says:

          M&M,
          It is difficult to pinpoint their “rank”, especially if drink and drugs are involved. Substance abuse can seriously hamper their control.

          1. M&M says:

            Yes he was a different person when drunk! Very odd you say that because I have a friend who says his behavior is not normal of course and she feels he is and has been on drugs I never seen any signs of it and I don’t think something like that you could hide for so long although he did work very long hours at times but she says she can put her life on it sh

          2. Jasmine says:

            M&M
            I can understand why your friend would say that. I know the alcohol loosens their control, and then the mask definitely drops. It’s like they become a different person, so yeah..i can see why your friend would think he’s on drugs. (They drop the facade.. THAT’S the narcissist. Uncaring, hatred, vengeful, paranoid) Of course he might actually be doing drugs. They lie about everything.

      2. M&M says:

        No not at all I do recall signs that he was heading that way, we did argue and argue and argue and even more so when we would drink, I wasn’t a big drinker before we meet, and all of a sudden I begin to enjoy alcohol, I remember a few times we did argue and he left the house he would say he rented a room or stayed a male friends but would never ignore me or not answer my phone calls, I also think the devaluation did not start sooner because it took him along time to actually win me over, I had been single for a long time 8 years to be exact, I dated I dated a lot and enjoyed it and it worked for me at the time and of course the golden period he knew that I really didn’t take relationships to serious so when he came along my whole world changed, it just all happend so fast, but I have for the most part always kept my voice, and I think that is why he hates me, because despite the way I feel inside I keep going and even now he tries to break me and he does but he doesn’t know it to the full extent, we are currently going thru a divorce and he is doing everything possible make it long and hurtful, I hope that wasn’t too much info to soon lol, I’m new to this site and blog,

        1. Jenna says:

          MM,

          When he would go to his male friend’s home after an argument, i wonder if he is really male and just a friend. I feel badly that he is drawing out the divorce procedure, but that is to be expected of a narcissist. Hg has an article abt this. I don’t remember the name of it. It will help u to read it. Maybe K can provide the link if she is here?

          1. M&M says:

            No Jenna I do not believe in my heart he was at a males house or a hotel, i honestly believe in my heart that he was either still messing around with the ex or just randomly picking woman up we lived about 40 minutes away from a large city and I don’t know where I have gotten this idea from but I do believe in my heart that he might have gone off and do whatever he desiresd if we were upset or mad I would not call him or text him I would as well go have a drink or go get a massage calm down and by early morning he would either call or I would call depending on who woke up first I guess, yes I have started looking for a divorce he of course does not have one he said he doesn’t need one and believes he knows how to manipulate the system which I’m at the point where I believe he could, he wants eveything spilt down the middle even things that I have had before him and makes it a point to let me know, before I begin reading Mr Tudor lectures or articles sorry if I’m not labeling correctly my English is not as good as it should be I was very scared and felt concerned, and hopeless, i still do and know he is capable of eveything he say but something has changed in me has felt the same way???

      3. M&M says:

        Although the little white lies, the soft manipulation, his drive for attention or fuel, the jealousy, the devious behavior, the things he would say, begin early into our relationship, but I adored him I loved this man with every inch of my being, I think that is what kept the devaluation from happening sooner,

        1. Jenna says:

          Hi MM,

          Welcome to the site. Don’t worry abt ‘too much info too soon’ as u expressed. We are allowed to express ourselves here as much as we like.

          I have a few questions. What do u mean by ‘soft manipulation’? Can u give me an example? He sounds like the midranger i was dealing with. This is why i ask.

          Also, what do u mean by ‘devious behavior’? Can u provide an example of this early on that u detected?

          About the white lies, did u know he was lying? Was it obvious to u? What wud he lie abt?

          I am keen to learn what manipulations take place when devaluation is delayed for 5 yrs. It sounds a bit like what i experienced. Ty MM.

          1. M&M says:

            First of all it really feels good to discuss this, most people have a different definition of narcissism so it’s kinda hard for anybody to understand, first manipulation was him moving in with me and my girls who are teenagers and a young adult now. I have alway rented the extra room in my home, well he was a male and decided he was moving in with his girlfriend, mind you my roommate had been with me almost 2 years and a couple of months after j and I started dating he wanted to move out, of course later on I found out j would say or do things to make him uncomfortable, I soon found a male roommate almost right away anyhow he kept suggesting the whole move in together idea, he would feel uncomfortable with another man living with me and my girls I should think of them most importantly I should be concerned for them I should take his feeling into consideration as well it lasted another 4 months because I did not have the new roommate move in after all and always would say he would leave his place he knew I was the one and im sure everyone on this site can almost recite what they say he actually had a house that him and coworkers rented when the company moved them here from Texas, again the company was only going to pay 3 more months and they would have to begin paying or find something else he still ended up paying 3 months out of pocket that I way later found out about I live in the US by the way, another perfect way for me to never have seen the facade, no family here no ex wife just an ex girlfriend and that is another pleasant story. Another example is he always wanted to play as in, going out drinking , football games drinking concerts drinking, gambling drinking, it was okay for a while but after we moved in I wanted build a future, it seemed like because, I YES I, HAD BILLS NOT WE had bills he deserved to enjoy himself he would not go alone of course and a part of me didnt want to loose that with him he more than likely would have gone by himself if I would have put my foot down and we would end up not doing what he wanted, we bought a boat before we bought a home, and that I think really hit hard and made me think of where my wants stood with him. White lies unnecessary lying lol me: honey sorry about lunch this morning did you have a chance to grab a bite from somewhere him no I didn’t and of course receipts would pop up I wouldn’t say anything at first I would just wonder why he would lie about something so unimportant, or did you have a beer at work with the guys no I did not and would somewhat smell of alcohol again did not make a big deal out of it because I kinda felt bad for some reason or embarrassed for him I honestly don’t know why and many more that had no meaning behind it. The first devious behavior that is unforgettable and that stands out the most was with a co worker, he just had moved here basically need this job and I’m assuming he had experience he was hired directly for management, above j and j thought he should have gotten that postion he had with the company for years and should have gotten it period, he basically set this man up for failure, by not correcting what j knew was wrong and most importantly unsafe and many people could have gotten hurt, and that how he became boss, i was floored by that I didn’t even know how to react to that believe me I have seen many things in my life and have dealt with a lot of people that society would call unacceptable, because I do come from a broken home bad neighborhood, and have seen a lot ugly but from a man that is smart and outgoing Didn’t think he needed to go to that extreme i remember thinking I thought only junkies and drug dealers did devious stuff like that, I am Mexican American, he is American Caucasian I hope that answers at least some I could go on and on it’s kinda sad when I actually read back my response but at the same time very helpful I’m really great full for Mr Tudor and this website

          2. Jenna says:

            Hi MM,

            I am so sorry he is trying to split all the assets in half. That certainly makes it more difficult. I am sure that reading hg’s articles will help u.

            He definitely displayed odd behavior frm the beginning, like ur roomate suddenly wanting to move out, him thinking the bills are urs and not his, and his behavior at work. The white lies are abt unimportant things, i agree. Maybe they become so used to lying that they just do it all the time. It’s so uneccessary.

            I notice that very little of his odd behavior was directed towards u at the beginning (the first five yrs). It was mostly directed towards others. I think this is how the narc maintains a good facade at home. Because i do see narcs married for yrs and yrs and the wife seems quite happy, not withdrawn and sad. Usually, i can tell if a woman is truly happy in her marriage or not, by her emotional state. He devalues others outside the home, so no need to devalue u for the contrast. Yet, to some degree he cannot keep up the facade all that well because his feelings of entitlement will show, eg. wanting to go drinking and gambling, with or without u.

            I do think that when he wud leave for the friend’s home, that is devaluing u tho. Is this something he did frm the beginning after heated arguments?

            U have given me alot to think abt and i thank u for that. I hope ur divorve goes as smoothly as possible, and that the outcome is one that is favorable for u and ur girls. I am also glad u figured out he is a narc and found hg’s website. Thank u for ur detailed reply MM.

      4. Perse, Queen of Hell says:

        Jenna and M&M,

        I’m going to post the link for The Dirty Divorce, since I haven’t seen K post it yet:

        https://narcsite.com/2018/01/04/the-dirty-divorce-6/

        M&M,
        It would be good if you have a lawyer that has experience dealing with “difficult” oppositional parties, if they don’t at least have some knowledge of narcissists.

        1. M&M says:

          Thank you, I appreciate you doing that very sweet, I have responded to that question in the comments, with a very nice woman named Jenna, i hope I am posting responses and comments in the right places, if for some reason you can not see it I will gladly respond again

          1. M&M,
            OK. Glad you saw them.
            Your replies are showing up where they belong. So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your N sounds so much like mine, that if he were alive, I’d swear it was the same N. And I would definitely believe he could be a bigamist. He had a whole other family he kept hidden from me. I found out when this young woman called me wanting to know the date of her fathers death. I thought she had him mixed up with his friend. Turns out the guy he’d been talking about, calling him a scum sucking son of a bitch, was himself, and the young woman his daughter from a 30 year affair with a woman he was always talking s**t about.

          2. Jasmine says:

            Oh wow perse… unreal. Its amazing how much of this feels out of touch with “reality”. No wonder most people can’t understand. Its all too much like something they might see on Netflix

          3. Jasmine,

            LOL! I just had a friend tell me that he saw my story on some movie. I didn’t ask the name of the movie. You know there is a lot they wouldn’t put in, just because it would seem unbelievable.

          4. M&M says:

            Wow Perse, wow I’m sorry to hear that they sure can leave a path of destruction, with a blink of an eye, the way it sounds is he is deceased right?

          5. Yes M&M,

            I’m happy to report that he is. All quiet on the western front. 😉

          6. M&M says:

            Yes ma’am quite is beautiful

          7. Jenna says:

            Hi perse,

            He had a secret other family for 30 yrs?! I am so sorry to read this. Oh, what must have gone thru ur mind when u found out i can only imagine. And he was deceased by this point, so u cud not confront him either. That is v difficult. But i see u as a strong woman who is healing, and that is v encouraging! 💕

        2. Jenna says:

          Hi perse,

          Thx for taking the time to do that💗

          I am so glad u uploaded ur pic, btw. I feel a calming presence when i see it, as tho u have been wronged, but u are taking ur life back, hence the devil outfit. Ur screen name, ur pic, and most importantly, the words u type here, give me a sense of peace. I wish i cud upload my pic again (i did it for a short while but took it down due to fear of being recognized) becoz i know it always helps to have a visual image associated w the person.

          It is funny. Once i was discontented with windstorm becoz she wrote that my comment made her laugh. She replied that it is becoz in her area, something like that (what i wrote) wud not happen, and she felt apologetic for making me sad. A few wks later, she uploaded her pic. I thought to myself ‘how could i ever have asked such a lovely lady such a stupid question, as she obviously has no mean bone in her body’. I don’t know if it was right of me to feel certain emotions after seeing her pic, but i know it certainly helps me to feel more connected.

          1. Jenna,
            Thanks for the compliment. That’s sweet of you. I guess maybe i appear as some avenging angel. LOL! I was going for pissed off and cold. I’m glad you got to see it, so you’ve got some image to go with the name. I am going to change it back to the other. I will be involved in something for awhile, and don’t want to be recognized.
            Funny how putting a face to someone really humanizes them. I can see how some actions may differ in cultures, or words may mean something different. I was born in this country, but far enough from where I currently am to be a different culture. Things said here might mean something caring, but is actually an insult where I came from, and will “raise my hackles”. Like “I’ll pray for you” “Bless your heart” “Aren’t you just precious?”

            If iseeing her picture has a positive effect on how you view windstorm, then it was good for your interactions with her. I glad that was the case.
            And I enjoy the compliment that my name, image, and interactions with you give you a sense of peace. This is not my usual effect on people, and I’m enjoying the novelty. O:-)

            Perse

          2. Jasmine says:

            Perse, let me guess.. are you from the south? 😉

          3. Jasmine,

            Why Yes, I surely am. Thank you for noticing! 😉

            Actually I’m a west coast girl now.

          4. Jenna says:

            Perse,

            Frm ur pic, u were trying to convey ‘pissed off and cold’? Haha! There is no way that ur words convey that tho. I sense a warm heart. So in this case, i was able to see thru the pic😉 to ur warmth.

            I might regard ‘I’ll pray for u’ and ‘aren’t u just precious’ as an insult too, depending on the context. But ‘bless ur heart’ probably not. It is funny how certain phrases can be misinterpreted depending on the culture. I try to be careful abt that, becoz i do not wish to uneccessarily hurt someone.

            I am glad u enjoyed the novelty in my compliment perse! 😁

      5. K says:

        Perse, Queen of Hell

        Ha ha ha…I saw your comment regarding Dirty Divorce. I replaced my anger and hate with indifference (I think), so I am taking some “gap time”, commenting less and reading more. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Weak moment says:

    It would seem to me for the narc to be able to move on so quickly to his next source of fuel, he would need to be at least above average attractive? Is there such thing as an ugly, out of shape narc? And same for the victims; mostly attractive? In other words, are these scenarios basically “pretty people problems?”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, they can be found in the Victim and Cerebral cadres. Also, victims do not (for some narcissists) have to be physically attractive (see Sitting Target for more).

    2. Bibi says:

      No you do not need to be attractive because I have been targeted and I am ugly. You’d think someone as yellow and square as I would be overlooked, but I practically have to fight them off with a stick (assuming I had arms, which I don’t, because I am a square).

      Oh, it hurts, doesn’t it? I didn’t choose this colour!

      1. Perse, Queen of Hell says:

        Oh Bibi,

        LOL!
        On my device you are a lovely shade of Chartreuse!
        They just want to drink you up! You are much more attractive than you know. 😉

  5. Kristen Milstead says:

    Is this what the narcissist actually believes because he or she feels entitled to double standards etc. or is it a projection to avoid having to see him or herself as the flawed one?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist believes this as it is a necessary self-defence mechanism but it is also projection.

      1. Kristen Milstead says:

        That makes sense. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  6. Jasmine says:

    How in the heavens do y’all justify the lies? I know that the MRN actually believed some of it, even crazy shit. Stuff that was just -not- logical. Is it just made up out of malice and then warped into reality somehow? What happens when they are confronted with the truth? (I don’t plan on doing that personally, but i have evidence that may be presented at trial. And I have to testify)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see “How and Why the Narcissist Lies’.

      1. Jasmine says:

        Thank you.

  7. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    They are not really victims though. Narcissists are always the victims…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When it suits us, indeed.

  8. Insatiable Learner says:

    Thank you, HG!

  9. Sniglet says:

    What are those old allegations of which you have been accused, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Certain criminal and regulatory transgressions which are baseless.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        As in white collar crime (i.e. embezzling)? Or crossing lines physically hurting people?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          White collar crime, yes. It was not physical violence.

      2. Sniglet says:

        You are not be the first or the last accused of shirking or flaunting legal and regulatory obligations.

      3. 12345 says:

        HG, are there any circumstances where accusations against the narcissist aren’t baseless?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Depends on whose perspective you are looking from.

      4. Sniglet says:

        Referring back to this article, what type of accusations are used against you by your empathic ex and present partner/s?

  10. Betrayed says:

    How should I expect my Narcissist to react to his truth being exposed in a way he cannot lie his way out of?
    What does the narcissist do when dead caught, and the mask falls, publicly?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read “The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence’.

  11. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, the narc I was entangled with would call his former IPPS evil. I thought that was so odd and dramatic. In fact, I do not recall anyone else refer to their significant other in such a way. Makes you wonder what in the world this person could have done to be deemed “evil.” Why are your kind using such an over the top epithet?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because you are deemed to be evil because oh how you are viewed by us since now you are painted black. It is part of our grandiosity, but from our perspective you are evil.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much for your response, HG! I think going forward I will regard this as a red flag. Do you agree?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I agree.

    2. Bibi says:

      Learner:

      I worked with a Mid Range narcissist who had a habit of flirting/seducing most women he came in contact with, including me. (We were just coworkers, never dating.)

      When he was playing the pity party, he claimed how his ex was a bad person for breaking up with him how she was so mean, etc.

      Then, once I was being devalued (silent treatment, triangulation with other female coworkers, as in, he would ignore me whenever I was around but make sure to speak to everyone else), he hit on another girl who rejected him.

      I heard from one of her friends that he referred to this girl as ‘The Devil’ simply because she rejected him.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you for sharing, Bibi! I can relate.

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