House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard in this article because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
47 thoughts on “House of Discards”
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Hg – My ex used to always say “If you ever lie to me we are going to break up!” Is that a form of false discard or just a threat?
It’s a threat.
hg, when my MR ex fiance broke up with me and called off our wedding it was 100% a Savage Strike yet a few hours later when I texted him saying I don’t want it to be like this. I am so confused. Why can’t we still get married?” He replied with a long text about how smart, funny, pretty, kind and what a great catch I was and how I have so many things going for me. Why would he be incredibly mean then in the same day be nice again?
Compartmentalisation and the necessity of doing so because it served his needs more effectively.
As a DSIPSS, I received the Wedge (“I need to take care of some work stuff, it has nothing whatsoever to do with you, I just don’t have any energy left to devote to you at this time”) and prior to that a few False Discards (“if this is hurting you so much, you should end it”) that had the desired effect of me deciding that no, I don’t want to lose him and it’s bound to get better eventually, right?
Mine left me bleeding in a parking lot and has never spoken to me since. I have tried to get help but failing miserably. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Every night for almost three years the same dream her running over me and never looking back. Life in limbo, what life is left.
Bob,
Don’t give up! Keep pushing forward! You’ve come to the right place to find answers, clarity and community. Read HG’s blog & books (YouTube too) and interact with the posters here. You will find healing here!
I would also encourage you to continue seeking treatment for the PTSD. Perhaps other readers can offer some guidance.
I wish you well!
I think that the most common form of discard/disengagement, is when you demote the girl from primary source down to secondary source.
(So she becomes part of the harem/regular facebook page like-clickers/fanclub, etc). I have a couple of ex’s who regularly invite me to group events (i never even respond to the invitations), probably because i never made a fuss and always smiled, i just escaped and disappeared, eventually.
So i’m probably nice audience to have around.
I do NOT think, however, that the discard/demotion is inevitable. There are many men who find fantastic supply, in, for example a 25 years younger pretty/rich wife. He will have her as primary source for the rest of his life, although with the occasional devaluation or putdowns towards her.
Am I right in the observation that the discard is not inevitable?
A demotion is not disengagement, but you are correct that those demotions do occur.
With regard to the primary source, disengagement is not inevitable because the relevant triggers may not be activated (the victim does not expose, does not cause massive wounding, remains functioning, a suitable replacement is not found etc) and this results in an individual remaining ensnared as IPPS for decades. However, disengagement is far more likely than it is not.
Hi hg,
“… the relevant triggers may not be activated (the victim does not expose, does not cause massive wounding, remains functioning, a suitable replacement is not found etc”
Isn’t it v v difficult not to cause massive wounding or less pronounced but repeated wounding? Usually when a narc gets angry which is inevitable due to the underlying churning fury and being hyper sensitive, the wife will argue back. She will not remain quiet and this will wound, no? Thus, the trigger wud b activated but it may not cause a disengagement due to the narc wanting to maintain the facade of a good family man. Is this correct? Ty.
Ah, thanks.
I think a lot of us readers sort of regard demotion (down to friend/secondary source/part of the regular pub gang)
as a discard,
since he has a new primary source of supply, a ‘new girlfriend’.
Yes I can understand how that would appear to you.
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
As u write, it is said for fuel, and to maintain power. The midranger, being somewhat delusional, actually believes what he says. So, how can it be a manipulation if he actually believes what he is saying? Ty.
Because berating somebody in such a way is manipulative because it provokes them, makes them feel guilty, makes them try to make amends. It manipulates them into doing something that the narcissist wants.
Ty.
Do u mean he believes what he is saying, being a delusional mudranger (oops, typo but not gonna correct it!), but knows it is better not to say it, ie. knows it is not nice? Hence, the manipulation?
I still do not see this as a manipulation tho if he actually believes it. Rather, i see it as an admission of what he really believes, what he really is. The mask has come off, which means this is actually one of the few times he is not being manipulative because he is being his true (but mean) self. He is not putting on a mask. He is not exercising the manipulative ‘facade management’. Is my thinking wrong here? I am having some trouble understanding this. Ty.
I thought you stated he did say it.
He says and does what it is necessary to achieve his aims. The narcissism causes him to regard what he says and does as correct, right and appropriate because of the different perspective. This is still manipulative because, as I explained, it is done to make you do certain things (sometimes willingly/sometimes not) that serve the needs and demands of the narcissist.
The majority of Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists operate through instinct. They do not think ” I know, I will give her a silent treatment because that will upset her.” They decide not to speak because there is a valid reason from their perspective (but not from yours) and it is instinctive, they do it because the narcissism as a self-defence drives the behaviour. This is because it achieves the required result which the narcissist needs – fuel, the exertion of control, maintenance of superiority, time to engage other appliances for fuel.
Upper echelon narcissists operate through instinct but also calculation, so that we decide that someone needs to be punished because from our perspective they have wronged us and therefore we plan how we will achieve this. This also provides us with fuel, control, maintenance of superiority etc – there is thought applied before the act is implemented. We will respond with instinct in some instances and apply calculation in others. We will, in some instances, recognise that people will regard our actions as ‘wrong’ therefore we know we must be circumspect or cunning in the method of implementation to avoid potential repercussions but we do not care about the consequence for the victim because we have no empathy, no remorse, no conscience.
You are allowing emotional thinking to cause you to disregard the behaviour as not manipulative. It is. His behaviour is governed by the narcissism. He is exercising facade management because that is what is happening and that is manipulative but occurs through instinct with many narcissists.
Look at this way – if you end up hurt and upset, does it really matter whether it occurred through instinct or planning (or even both) – the result was intended in either case (you are not given the silent treatment by accident) and you end up hurt and upset in either case. It is manipulation either through instinct or planning.
Ty for that lengthy reply. I feel humbled that u have taken so much time towards my question. ☺️
Pls don’t mind if i ask u abt this question in my next consultation. It helps when i hear it frm u directly.
You’re the best hg!
You are welcome.
I would have thought that manipulation requires the intent to do so?
You mean instinctive as a small child?
There is intent, that is the point of the instinctive response it intends to manipulate to achieve an outcome.
?!
Confused.
So, when someone tells me, I was controlling and not taking into account their needs when I tell them that I would not agree to do a certain thing, that is manipulation, but not by conscious design, but manipulation nonetheless? Because?
And if that person is a mid range narc, there is no chance whatsoever to reach a sensible agreement?
My goodness, HG! Your response is so chilling. The silent treatment is given (planned or instinctive) to achieve a result without any consideration for the “victim” while maintaining the nice guy facade to the rest of the world. This has been my experience but I’ve been in denial for years.
Yes Nina. That is a big old sin of the empath: DENIAL. We are good at it. 😞
Manipulation means “the skillful handling of objects and/or persons”.
The skillful part does seem to imply a level of awareness on the part of the manipulator, but awareness is absolutely not necessary.
Think about throwing an object in the air and catching it, or catching an object someone else throws at you. Your brain does a series of very complex calculations as you skillfully catch the object, but you are completely unaware of the process going on in your brain – all you are aware of is the need/desire to catch the object and you know how to do it in a way that seems instinctive (but is actually acquired).
My mother, for example, acts purely on instinct/subconscious drive, and yet her behaviour is often manipulative. In her mind, of course, it’s not manipulation, it’s just her being authentically herself. Of course, she gets offended when her ‘authentic’ self is called out for the crap it is.
The concept of manipulation is rather complex. There is positive manipulation, too, e.g. when your child hurts their knee and instead of breaking down in tears yourself you smile and say “aww, that’s okay, we’ll make it all better, you are very brave” – you are manipulation your child’s perception of the situation, so that something which could be traumatic becomes a minor bump in the road in their minds. Another example of positive manipulation would be a manager skillfully managing his team by resolving interpersonal conflicts in an indirect manner, so that everybody gains.
Dear HG, you have stated several times that the golden period for secondaries does not end. I have, however, seen the narcboss turn on some staff who never quite regain their special place in the harem, although remain members. Yet others are always in favour despite their work performance. Is he not wounded when their failures put him in the firing line? Some will continue to fail as they have been promoted by him above their ability level and he is intelligent enough to know this. Would you in your workplace choose someone unsuitable/inexperienced/of limited abilities simply because they are good fuel providers? And if so, are you not concerned they will damage your ‘brand’? Thankyou.
No, I have stated that secondary sources have elongated golden periods. Secondary sources tend to have longer golden periods than primary sources. A secondary source’s golden period can and does end – see Corrective Devaluations, Disengagement Devaluations and Devaluation.
I would not place someone in a position beyond their ability just because they are a good fuel provider if I identified that would damage me in some way. I might do it to take the legs of that person or someone else where I can ensure there is no comeback against me.
Thankyou, he is taking his time about it and I have some scores to settle!
First time it was the Vanishing act after he tried the Wedge and I left immediately. Last time I wounded him by uttering a few of his flaws and I got the Wedge. Oh.. fell hard for the Hoover. So I fell for it and tried to reach out, apologized over and over again, waited, kept the door open. Then I found HG… So I’m in NC meaning to empathy from me, no reaching out, no waiting around and the door is taken down and a brick wall has replaced it. I’m dating a wonderful man … yet longing for the illusion however never ever looking back. This piece gave me all the answers of the crap he put me through. Oh… and his new woman that he meet after me … she left him.. of course …
Thanks HG .. you are my favorite N 🙏🏻🤗
I should think so! You are welcome. Well done on finding someone decent (just make sure he is not one of us).
I agree with Tatiana. Escaping tends to be in my wheelhouse (3xs now)
The last one was a combo: he dealt a Savage Strike but looking back, I think it was a bluff. Out of the blue he announced that we were breaking up (due to an unknown failure of mine), I just said “fine” … I knew better than to argue with a drunk… He continued to rage at me for a few hours, growing increasingly scary, so I opted to leave. That’s when he lost control and got physically violent.
My ex pulled the last trick listed. He wanted out if he could not control my “suspicions”… which were actually “facts”. I called his bluff. He walked.
Strange to watch these ppl just shut it off.
He has not gone away. At all. He has simply decided I’m now his “friend”, even though I have clearly stated that I have no interest in him remaining in my life beyond the child we are raising together, who is not our biological.
He is completely blind to how abnormal his behaviour is. I think it’s his public image he is trying to preserve. I almost feel sorry for his neediness.
He left me, broke our engagement based on “I have to change, it’s not you…blah blah blah..,please explain why my approval as him as a human being, by way of friendship, is something he is so adamant about? All I want is for him to find his next victim and forget he knew me. How do I deter this w/o him turning on me? Do I just pretend for now and feed his ego so he goes away feeling like he is King and continues to fulfill his obligations?
In my case I received a text that said he had found someone new and was happy, of course I didn’t believe him because of the constant mind fuck he enjoyed so much. I was in disbelief until I saw their picture in my news feed all hugged up. She was my fb friend and schoolmate. He had blocked me from his social media long ago. I guess for once the bastard told the truth.
I searched the internet for answers. Upon realizing what I had been dealing with for 6 years I joined support groups for victims. The support groups did nothing in the way of closure for me. They kept me in the victim frame of mind. Everyone there was just like me clueless about the ins and outs the why’s and what fors. I cannot say that I appreciate everything about HG, because somewhere he too has people who have been hurt by his callous actions, but if it hasn’t happened already, at some point he will have helped way more than he hurt. Thank you HG. I do not feel weak anymore. Love you or hate you we are all empowered by the information you provide. 💋💋
You are welcome.
Thank you, so much, for this!! I have had all except “The Wedge”.. I really wasn’t sure which one I am in at this current time, but now after reading this, I am sure it is the False Discard.. In one email he said, “Just Let Me Be”.. And in the last one, he said “I’m Leaving For Good.. It’s Not Your Fault And I’m Not Blaming You.. But I’m Leaving..”
It is so uncanny how literal things you write here, HG, are things my narcissist says.. It’s like there’s a hand guide of words and phrases to use in every situation if you are a narcissist and every narcissist has this guide.. Smh..
Does it fuel them or drain them if you tell their current primary source they triangulate you with that you don’t want them? Aka “no he’s all yours”, wondering about hoovers.
The act itself has no impact because unless it happens in front of us, we do not know of it. If it is later conveyed to us it will either wound or more likely amount to Challenge Fuel.
I had the combo of Savage Strike and Vanishing Act … 2 months ago, this is the longest time he has not been in contact during this 4 year entanglement… Phone is blocked I assume … I am the emotional shell of the person I was … I truly don’t think he will contact me again … At the moment feels like a curse not a blessing …He has drove past me as if I don’t exist …
The way he is behaving is he unlikely to try to hoover?
How long is this going to take to get over?
I wish I could wave a magic wand or have my mind erased.
I feel consumed by it all… My rejected love, his behaviours, the injustice, was any of it real etc etc … My mind goes over every facet and detail of this relationship…
Arrrrrgggghhhh
Original Overthinker,
I know your feelings all too well.. You are currently in the first emotional battle and as HG has written about, this one will be hard to fight and ultimately you won’t be the victor.. But it is okay because you are meant to be an emotional person and that is a blessing, not a curse..
Two months is honestly not that long.. I know all people are different, but I really do feel it takes 6-12 months of grieving and going through the motions of the emotional sea before you feel relief from this constant rumination about every little facet of the relationship.. I did the same.. I over-analyzed and over-thought every word I said and every move I made, trying to discover if there was something I could have done differently to not cause such a horrific “end”.. But with time, gaining the knowledge here on Narcsite, and reading other articles about cluster B personality disorders, I found that I am actually an “original thinker” and not “over-thinker”.. The narcissistic dynamic causes you to second-guess yourself because in your heart of hearts, you are sure you did not change and do anything to cause the hurtful treatment you received.. It is okay to think about the relationship, but the more you stay here and read the articles and books about manipulation, you will find it is and was not your fault..
Hopefully as you continue to read and realize who this person was, what they ultimately wanted from you, and why they had to leave for now, you will arm yourself with the tools to fight against the hoover, because IT IS COMING.. Of course it is dependent upon your narcissist’s fuel matrix and that has no time factor within it, but it is important to accept one is coming, nonetheless.. Stay here and prepare yourself with knowledge so you may fight the second emotional battle: Head vs. Heart..
Thank you Bekah for your kind reply … I have been hoovered (unfortunately) dozens of times … I truly think this is it … It is complicated … He had Cancer and although well into recovery and should be ok (2 years post treatment).. I am always concerned … He was bad before Cancer horrendous now with his moods and anger … Hoping to get over and will take your advice… I truly know what he is … Sad for me and him there wasn’t another way and I’m upset by how utterly disposable I was to him … Thank you again … x x
You’re welcome, Over Thinker.. I am actually sad to hear he had been ill with cancer.. It’s baffling to know even in times like that when one should really appreciate life and others around them, especially the ones who try to help, that they could be so hurtful and cruel to others..
Original Overthinker,
I know it must be hard and it hurts, but try to find some humor in it because there is some. Once you start laughing at what took place, believe me you will feel better. And, continue to read and listen to what HG Tudor is providing. He gives it raw and does not sugar coat any of it. Honestly, I find some of it hilarious. Life is already too serious. Please try to laugh a little, its the best medicine.
I asked my narc about a month ago why he left me the two times he did I didn’t say discard because he wouldn’t have recognized the word anyway his reply was I was nervous I was in deep stress English is not his first language but I took it to mean I don’t know why I left you I am a confused disturbed person who can’t handle relationships appropriately lol he didn’t technically say that but in a way he did admit for the first time that it wasn’t me that made him leave me or all the stuff he accused me of at the time when he left but rather it was something internal I don’t imply that he has or will ever change or that he wouldn’t leave me again in a heartbeat because I know he would and I know he wasn’t admitting fault he was excusing himself of fault but at the same time this was the closest he ever came and will ever came to admitting he has a demon of some kind inside this is how i took it anyway
I agree- I am super paranoid now!
Better than being ensnared and this period of paranoia will abate.
What of escaping ? I do not see many posts about it and I have escaped 5 months ago.
And then from the discard, the subsequent discovery of HG, his weaponising knowledge and onwards we keep noticing narcissists everywhere we look. I had a not so proud moment today. I’ve spent the weekend with my nieces and they wanted to play Pokemon. I grew a very sudden dislike to Mr Mime that mirrored me completely and was everywhere to catch of course. This must be narcissistically induced paranoia if anything.. ha ha..
My family’s lay tells me I see Narcissists everywhere… and I do!😉