Tenacious

 

TENACIOUS-2

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

9 thoughts on “Tenacious

  1. shawn singh says:

    Excellent post! Still too much power for the narcissists. We may not be able to control your golden period, but we can control who we are through all of it. Time is a healer and a comforter, if we allow it to be.

    We have got to stop giving away our power.

    1. Jasmine says:

      Shawn:
      “We have got to stop giving away our power”

      Amen to that! ❤❤❤

  2. JW says:

    This is an excellent piece. It is accurate. We try because we still haven’t healed or discovered the hurts from our own childhood. The needs we needed. We seek them in your kind thinking it will heal us and make us happy. Your kind and we, don’t fulfill the high expectations. We continue the cycle as a mirror until we delve into that pain and finally realize we need to love ourselves and be comfortable with who we are.

    If healed, we move on seeing the relationship is not in the same place of growth. Until we (empath)are healed we are still that little child trying to fix, be the best, please all. Until we love who we are and accept ourselves and that nobody else has the power to make us happy but ourselves, we will be disappointed. This goes both ways….

    Easy to say but hard to do. Both sides need to heal the past of long ago. Not easy to go back but necessary to truly heal. Then we look to ourselves and not others and can have a healthy relationship with someone who enhances our life without unrealistic expectations from either side.

    So, I guess until truly healed the beige relationship will be boring. Once healed we can be two people who can be happy doing what we like without the partner. Both partners can come together doing shared interests, enhancing each other’s lives. Both respecting and trusting each other. It is both sides that have healing to do.

    In saying this, I am in my healing process and still have work to do. It is not easy but the reward should be worth it. Until then I try to keep chaos at bay. Yes, it is sometimes boring….. It’s a journey and we all can help each other.

    You have been a huge part of my healing process and continue to be. I respect all the work you do and admire you for your awareness. I am grateful and look forward to our consult.

  3. Leanne Millar says:

    Hey HG only recently discovered your blogs and videos and WOW WOW WOW!!
    i understand every single topic u have covered and i have been there for 11 yrs now.

    3 and half years as a primary source and 7yrs as a triangled secondary source as we had about a year gap with NC when he first disguarded me but i have had regular contact right up until 3 weeks ago when i last seen him. I have been through hell and back but now thankfully to you everything makes sense and for me has given me all my answers to all my many many questions that obviously he wouldn’t give me.
    Altho i haven’t exactly figured out what range N he is to me that is not important.

    Im just glad that i finally have been able to understand everything and i really dont know if this is usual but over the yrs and in the large gaps of my many disguards i have rebuilt myself and my life and i am happy in my life i actually feel in some cases he has actually helped me to become the person i am happy with and i havent ended up bitter or angry the only blockage in my life was him and in some ways he was my drug also but i will say as i didnt get much flashes of the reinstated golden time my feelings have been fading over the yrs and now i really dont feel anything towards him not good or bad feelings and i haven’t and will not try to expose him either im just happy to carry on with NC and get on with my life.

    Im lucky as he has already disguarded me again so all i have to do is keep NC and that’s that. (Thats the plan lol as he didnt really make much effort with the hoovers as he didnt need to as i was always egar to pick things up haha)4

    Thankyou for sharing all this information and keep up the good work so many people will need this to be able to move on with their lives

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    Why is this true?
    I don’t enjoy knowing you’re right about this, HG, but I can’t deny the truth in your lesson.

    When my non-narcissist husband cheated on me, I was crushed, devastated. I couldn’t sleep nor eat. I lost about a pound a day. I tried to keep our turmoil secret, but most everyone who saw me would ask if something was wrong. I couldn’t hide the pain in my eyes.

    And while my husband became an even better man after his transgression, we never fully recovered. As you know, we are now divorced and enjoy a very cordial relationship. I see him as a good man who made a mistake. He wants us to get back together, but I find being single to be the best place for me right now. I still have much healing to accomplish.

    I was in a very vulnerable state when I met my narcissist. And after reading Sitting Target, I now see how I oozed with the traits that made me so vulnerable. He picked up on me like a beagle on a rabbit trail. Within a group of friends, his eyes were often on me that first night we met. I now see that I was easy prey.

    I am aware that I’m far from perfect, but I have a heart full of love. My narcissist had no trouble sensing that. Despite having done plenty wrong in my life, I was committed to loving him. Once our “friendship” progressed, I was never with another in an intimate fashion. I stayed loyal to this man who assured me that he placed the same importance on trust. He swore he’d never hurt me in the way that my husband did.

    Well, I guess I should give him credit. It wasn’t exactly the same way. It hurt more so because he went to great lengths in pretending to be a man of commitment to only one. Me. The lucky girl who soon found out just how unlucky in love I really am.

    Maybe luck has nothing to do with it? Saying that I am BAD at love might be more appropriate. So you are correct, HG, regarding this hold they have over us. I struggle every day to get over my narcissist. Yet, I quietly ended a lengthy marriage that was once solid and very fulfilling.

    I am not open, at this time, to mending my relationship with my ex-husband… to regain the life of decades that I spent with him… a man who I know has a good heart. Yet, I feel a pull to the man who disrespected me in the most disparaging ways…..? Perplexing.

    I believe it to be a matching of energies… and unfortunately, a pairing of wounds. When I first shook my narcissist’s hand, I felt an indescribable energy. When our legs brushed up against one another, sitting in the movie theater amongst a group of friends, I felt a rush of electricity shoot through my entire body. Of course, some of that was probably due to a physical attraction, but it was more than that. There is a magnetic energy there that I can’t properly explain.

    The narcissist needs us because he’s aware that only certain individuals will give and give. He is hopeful that he chose correctly in that we will tolerate his abuse. We want him because we sense his needs. We feel his pain, so we must fix it. And of course, we believe in the fairytale.
    He did make it seem magical.

    It is disheartening to finally realize that fairytales don’t come true. But why, HG? Why can’t the narcissist try to change? Why can’t he/she stop taking everything that’s wanted and attempt to treat those self-fulfilling behaviors like any other addiction?

    I understand that we’re wired differently, but so much of impulse behaviors are learned. We get away with something, so we do it again. After I discovered my narcissist’s ways, I was afforded an opportunity to speak with one of my clients who happened to have lived with my narcissist during their younger years. (I only told him that I believe that we have a friend in common.) Without prompting, he opened up to tell me many stories from their youth. My client told me that my narcissist would have one girl in his bedroom while his girlfriend would be knocking at their door. The friend was amazed at how quickly the narcissist could rid himself of the other girl as his girlfriend made her way through the house, wondering if he tossed the other girl out the window!? “We guys never could figure out how he got away with it!”

    Of course, I wasn’t nearly as impressed.
    My client hasn’t seen my narcissist in years, but he commented that he’d be surprised if he has changed. What a way to live!? Somewhat exciting to a young man, I assume… but I see it as a way of life that’s bound to get tiresome, especially for a middle-aged man.

    So may I ask a personal question of you, HG? Through your therapy, are you attempting to change… to really change?

    Do you want to stop being unfaithful?

  5. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    You (HG Tudor) always amaze me: just by seeing others having normal relationships, you understand their dynamics. Yes, normal relationships suck too (in the “boring” sense of the word) but at least one knows what to expect from the partner (there’s no abuse, emotional or physical), you give and receive something (it goes both ways!) and if/when you want out, you’re really out of it. For me, wanting out is only wanting single for the rest of my life, as normals=boring, narcissists=horrifying, bringing chaos, only empaths with narcissistic traits men could bring some excitement to life, as they are up for the challenge, but with morals and boundaries (something I wrongly saw in narc in the beginning of our relationship, when he was only mirroring and lying- hard for me to understand why doing that until you made me see this is the only way some people -narcs-
    see/process life; I’m trying to build healthy/strong relationships and that’s something only possible when based on truth, not perfection, only truth). I see those emphatic men…all married, having kids, struggling for their families and keeping their wives happy (a weekend to Paris/Rome, years into their marriages), they are those emphatic leaders (few).
    Bringing the discussion back to narc, he insists in hoovering me. He told me to call him names, just to answer him something. Of course my answer was “block” on this number, too. I won’t feed his “false ego”, no way. He ceased to exist as a man for me, he’s just someone, somewhere. When thinking of him I only see “the bad and the ugly”. One of my golden rules is “living in the now”, no golden period, I see the whole “picture”. What applies to other narcissists, also applies to him: only he can find/bring HIMSELF (his real self) back, if so he wishes and this is not something involving me.

  6. jenny says:

    I do understand that now HG but find it very very sad , an emotion that you nor my ex are not familiar with and I find that very sad also . And i am glad that i feel this way !

  7. Jasmine says:

    love this! ❤

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