Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –

  1. Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
  2. Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
  3. You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
  4. We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
  5. Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.

This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?

With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.

“We share everything in this house.”

“What’s yours is mine.”

“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”

“No I didn’t use it.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“Somebody else must have taken it.”

He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.

The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.

“I thought I had already asked you.”

“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”

“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”

“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”

“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”

“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”

The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.

“But you didn’t mind last time.”

“Last time you said it was okay.”

“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”

The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.

What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.

“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”

“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”

“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”

“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”

“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”

The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.

The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.

7 thoughts on “Consent

  1. The Wild Swans says:

    haha! Very interesting article!

    I have my personal experience of a covert narc DEPRIVING me of my consent.

    Last year I had a 5-month long-distance “relationship” with a covert narcissist. I couldn’t recognize what I dealt with until I started researching on narcissism by accident.

    We met at an international event. He was stalking me for a few days before initial contact. He was definitely playing the shy card – tha smart, inexperienced intellectual who is blinded by my beauty and intelllect. He studied me carefully, because he didn’t dare to love bomb me the traditional way. Actually, he barely made any compliments. He was just present next to me, blushing and treating me with beer. The last night before travel home, he managed to jump into a convo with me literally. (He jumped onto the chair next to me to scratch “the only chance” of speaking with my charismatic persona, LOL.) Everybody went to bed then and i received an invitation to his room to have one more drink. I didn’t accept it, but sent back a funny emoji next morning.

    Only then we got in touch for real. We kept communication while back home in our countries. i felt like he was pushing and pulling the whole time. He invited me to his home town to sleep in his house. I invited him back out of politeness. In our countries that’s a standard thing to say and it doesn’t mean much. But it shows intention of responsobility if the invited person decides to show up. In both our countries the guest is a king/queen and the host has to respond to all their needs (important info for the future development of the story).

    Gradually we got to know each other, he tried to probe me with very personal questions at first but I declined with jokes, and he put up with that and stopped asking. Then he continued with pulling my reactions with unfinished answers and offers for skype, messenger and viber calls, where we spoke about important plans for my visit to his town (I decided to accept his invitation) and pur interests, etc. None of that was included in our TEXTED messages on the same platforms. So I can’t prove the things he promised me… 😉 He kind of ordered me what and when to do, I felt relieved for that that I will have a nicely arranged 4-day visit. I booked a hostel in town just in case something happens. He wasn’t happy but had to put up with it, later he turned out to be happy. (Contradictions). He didn’t care about my opinions most of the time and showed no willingness and wanted my consent at all times. I must say, he used manipulative phrases and made me feel like I made these decisions – the exact same sentences presented in this article!!!!!!

    2 days before my departure he said he was very sick and he doesn’t know what to do!!!! He was very sorry and he might not be able to meet me at the airport (my plane arrived at 3 a.m.). I was very disappointed and lashed out against him. He started apologizing and said he’ll meet me. he then asked me if he can sleep in my room the first night. I was in shock. WTF! Why I asked him? He said my hostel was closer to his job than his home so if i have enough space there and I’m not afraid, bla bla bla, he wouldn’t do anything to me. I refused and he apologized.

    I arrived in town, he met me and helped me with the luggage. Next noon we had to meet. He seemed normal at first but he still wanted to know very personal things about me. I didn’t let him and preferred him to talk about himself. He was flattered! I was entertained for a long long time, LOL! At that time he had to go to work later (1 of the days was a workday) so i walked on my own. Had a great time with my own thoughts. Next days though got worse. He was constantly late and finding excuses (I visited museums and parks all on my own enjoyed it a lot actually), he wanted to make amends with dinners and going to bars. His only interest was in having sex with me… as i finally understood. So, I decided to take the plunge (I have my reasons to do that that have nothing to do with being interested in this guy in particular but about learning about myself after a longlasting black hole in my life – he noticed that when he chose me ;). Well, all that was written about narc sex was true 😉 I just didn’t know it was called that way. It was a really bizarre experinece – he didn’t hurt me phyisically but he MADE me understand that I DONT HAVE THE RIGHT OF CONSENT WITH HIM. He was definitely robotic, strange, a bit feminine, mirroring me with difficulty because i didn’t tell him what I liked rather told him to guess. LOL! When we finished, all of sudden he felt sick and had a headache, he had to go. I didn’t know what to think – I was sure he was lying but didn’t want to offend him so I sent him off. He apologized. The second day/night he was even more negligent (the schedule went to hell completely). He tried to be more creative in the sex but was just unpleasant for me. He thought though that causing me discomfort was very entertaining (he was giggling). Don’t worry, I wasn’t in pain, it was just strange. Several times I made jokes about having dreams about other girls, etc. He lokked startled. I guess I was unpredictable to him, LOL…

    The last day I had to leave at night. We met for an early dinner and he was supposed to help me with my luggage to the airport. I got emotional at the dinner and said how I loved his town and had an eye-opening experinec there. He tried to console me by saying it’s not a goodbye and we’ll meet again. I responded with “But it’s not about you, it’s about ME and finding myself, about my freedom. I hope you’ll understand”. Then I showed him a silver bracelet I bought there – I told him about it the previous day and he wanted to see it at the dinner. I’m sure I FELT his anger when he saw the bracelet! It costed 120 euros – I make myself such presents that will stay for a long time with me, especially if I like the place. Then his mood changed completely. (He tried to hide it, but I felt it). We left the restaurant and we were about to take a taxi to the hostel and then head for the airport. All of a sudden his phone rang, he answered in shock and hang up. He told me his sister called (I know about his family) and his father is the ER, so he had to go. He looked in shock and was about to cry. Kissed me goodbye and left. I was sure he was lying to me!!!! What’s the chance of this happening right now? Very little. I left for the airport all alone late at night. Thanks God the hostel owners helped me with everything. We kept communicating a little after I got back and he gave me the silent treatment. He finally called back for my birthday because I intentionally posted a “Happy birthday to me” post and waited to see if he would respond. He did. 😉 He keeps writing to me for a major holiday, without reading my answers on messenger. LOL! I saw a post from him recently that he is Attached 😉 Still silent to me. My major fear is if he had recorded what we did in the hostel to use it against me later and what can I do to protect my privacy (I’m very facebook savvy, I rarely post personal stuff there, only professional or social matters).

    Overall, Mr Tudor, what’s your opinion on my case? Is he going to strike back or he’s not interested any more? I still haven’t blocked him, because i want to keep an eye on the enemy 😉 I’ll wait for the right moment to do it. 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello TWS, a consultation is the appropriate forum within which to receive my views on your situation.

  2. shawn singh says:

    Um, yeah…he can have what’s mine. It’s really not worth my sanity. Besides, those things can be replaced, my sanity cannot!

  3. Bekah B says:

    So glad examples were given here for each school of narcissism when it comes to them receiving consent.. My narcissist is definitely that pitiful mid-ranger.. He used my bank account to pay a debt without my permission.. And it came at a time when I had just recently cursed him out for lying to me about being with another female.. He knew very good and well I told him it was over between us because of his cheating and lies.. But a couple of days later, he used my bank account.. I see now it was because of his lack of boundary recognition and sense of entitlement.. Even though I told him it was over, I guess it didn’t register to him and he still felt as though what’s mine is his as well.. Welp, I reported him.. And he paid the price for this fraudulent activity.. Very dearly.. In emails we had discussing this matter before he disengaged, he said “you let me use your account before…” That was true, but I definitely didn’t give him consent the final time.. Now he’s disengaged because he feels I’m a traitor and spiteful.. I don’t care, though.. His act caused me to also disengage/escape, very naturally.. Because I WILL NOT deal with a thief..

  4. Jasmine says:

    What about the one that believes it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? Which kind is that?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Bekah B says:


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