Needing Release
Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.
What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.
8 thoughts on “Needing Release”
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Its so weird my “ ex narc “ never talkes about the end of our formal relationship or say something negative about me besides a psycho nor agrees about ending the formal relationship he just completly ignores it or say something vague passive aggressive type. No new IPPS “showed” (there most be someone)And when he did came to get his stuff what I asked for for 2 months & to end contact after . He came without warning texted me if he could get it . I agreed he could ,immediately my door bell rings . I was so shook is it a i’m in control thing ? And he was giving me this how dare/could you do this stare and told me he we’ll talk to me later. Did blame me if I want to end it for good thats about it. He doesn’t seem to be violent with me or pushing to stay but doesn’t want me to go to far away? . Easy to go no contact on ?
HG how do you DO that. How do you know? Im blown away. My stomach is churning. How typical and easy to charactetize and define we are….empaths. I vow rom this day foward to never again to be that pathetically predictable.
Listening, observing, evaluating – I have plenty of material to work with.
Word by Word everything written down here is exactely what my NARC and alcoholic husband told me, after a 20 years marriage and three children, in order to justify or substain his decision to separate our lives to his mother, relatives, friends ( and girlfriends)…..
After having passed through any kind of experience, good or bad, while i felt we where Twin souls, best enemies and best friends too, he simply told me that things couldn’t work for us.
that he was obbliged to leave me, thoug loving me so much, because i CANNOT change. Meaning that i will never match his fantastic ideal of perfection.
I will never be good enough at listening to him with attention and devotion. Never good enough at caring about his clothes or kooking for him healthy and tasty food.
Or never good enough to erase myself to let him 100% of the stage.
After 23 years of VERY intense relationship he’s been able to replace this role, MY ROLE of lover, motivator, best friend etc etc, in less than two weeks.
Telling me that knowing that worthy girl was his priority and that i sholdn’t create any difficulties between them.
Even if i’m aware he’s a NARC, what i read is so convincing.
I can touch by hand the power of projection, but i still wonder if i had some kind of responsability in all this Crazy GAME.
Then i wonder myself :” Have i ever had the pure intention to destroy him?
Have i ever had in my mind the idea that he’s a complete worthless creature?
Have i ever felt PLEASURE in seeing him suffering for himself, his disillusions about his own achievements?”
My genuine answer is NO.
And That’s what brings me black to clarity….
He could have written this. God knows it’s all spouted from his thin lips. So, and then what? What after the “new supply” turns into the “newly discarded” after her devaluation? Oh never mind; I know what happens then!
I survived a hoover today. Funny this post appeared when it did. This is almost verbatim what I so badly wanted to say to him when he called from a spoofed telephone number. I answered even though I didn’t recognize the number calling, which I normally don’t do, but the number showed up as being from a city that I had just left and I thought the call might be related to my visit. The second I realized it was him, I hung up. I’ve already changed my number once, and I am afraid I may have to do it again; however, I know if I do, he will get it again somehow. I feel like it’s futile to try and hide from him, so I just keep the hoover bar as high as possible, stay out of the spheres I can control, and keep nerves of steel to force myself to hang up if he calls or walk away if (God forbid) the hoover is a face to face one. I dread that the most.
But in my head, I ask what the narrator of this post asks. Why? What purpose does it serve to continue? Today, he asked to speak to my ex-husband…. the person I left in order to be with him. (Your article on the married target was helpful for me.) What would have been his reaction if I’d handed the phone to the person he asked to speak with? I know his end game is fuel, so would he gain fuel from speaking with my ex? It’s almost like he is trying to catch me doing something wrong. How is it his place to police ANYthing I do at this point?
I try hard not to continue trying to understand because I know that I never can and I never will. I was doing so well! No contact since 9/24/17. He did manage a call in November, but he got the same reaction that he got today. The second I heard his voice, I hung up. I will continue to do so until he stops or I eventually change my number again, but today it made me really angry. I just want to shake some sense into him. He has GOT to know he should just move on. The last thing I said to him was, “I never want to speak to you again as long as I live. Never.”
He has been a part of my life for 32 years. He was my best friend. Now he is my worst and only enemy. I don’t know how to make him stop. He needs to stop. I guess he’ll stop when one of us stops breathing?
Dear Mr Tudor,
If someone “clearly” doesn’t want you in their life….. let them go…. it’s that simple!
You can’t make some one like you or love you.. end of story!
Listen to what they’re saying, take heed and move on!
You couldn’t make it any clearer, reminds me of that book “He’s just not that into you”
Excellent advice
Oh dear …. I just realised my second sentence is in complete contradiction pertaining to narcs. Yes, Mr Tudor, you can and you do successfully, however your persona is all fake. I was referring to ones real and authentic self!
Sorry for the confusion, I’m but a mere empath after all😂