Utter Disgust

utter-disgust

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

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13 thoughts on “Utter Disgust”

  1. This is a fine prose demonstrating the level of projection & blame shifting that a narcissist throws upon his/her victims.

  2. My truce story. [Ekhm, my true story]. I’m reading Shoppenhauer’s ‘Die eristische Dialektik’, and ignoring attempts at getting drawn much into the real word salad fight, as someone comes again to say:

    – Your perfidy in doing all this…
    – Generalizing much?
    – See, this perfidy now…
    – Then to details…
    – Your per-fi-dy!…
    – Listen, it seems like perfidy is the keyword, and while I appreciate your attempts at NLPing me…
    – Oh, so now I’m at fault for reading some books on NLP?!
    – No, knock yourself out, (- Then what?!) Nothing, just what I am trying to say is: this is not the right key here.

  3. I like this post. I “hear” the little and very angry boy speaking to several people: the IPPS, his mother, his sexual abuser and even himself.

  4. No, probably not. You’d have to want that deep down too, wouldn’t you?

    Which might be easier to practice if you joined a monastery and get us that nun seduction story at last!

  5. You basically quoted him. “You said you wouldn’t walk away! How can you do this??”

    Well asshat, I never said I would stay if you refused to get help and continued to abuse me.

    1. Loveanurse27

      Part of the learning here is for you to determine what you have read and any significance attached. Sometimes it can determine where you are in your thinking and/or journey. You may even find yourself asking if it could be read by either or both sides.

  6. I am not like your mother, I do not know best or pretend to do so (to be honest at least not all the time) .

    HG, are you addicted to that kind of disgust?
    If a woman starts to behave similar to your mother, you seem to become strangely addicted to her and can not let her go. It seems as if you start a twisted and hateful form of binding, an invisible chain, that you deny in public.

    Maybe you even do not know about it. It could be unconscious.

    Do not answer, it is only a question for yourself.

    1. The addiction is to the fuel, not to that person behaving liking my mother. One can let go of the appliance and we often do through disengagement, but the addiction to the fuel (from that appliance and others) remains and thus why we hoover.

      1. HG, I agree. You said it often enough. Which person is behind an emotional reaction, that does not matter. It is only the emotional reaction that matters. Nevertheless you need human beings to get an emotional reaction.
        I wish there would be at least one narc on this blog, who would say: “Yes, that is me. You described me very well.” That is an illusion.

        It would be so interesting to see an exchange of thoughts between you and Vaknin. You both know what kind of person you are.
        I do not think, that it would be possible. There would be no honest exchange.

  7. Hmm. Sounds like how he described his ex wife. She escaped after decades. He once told me she was a narcissist.

    Drawing from your article on Hoovering “If you escaped and fuel levels are high, the Greater will relish the opportunity to draw you back in and settle a score not by lashing out but by winning you over again to prove how masterful and commanding he is.”

    His high school sweetheart dumped HIM
    Upon hoovering the hs sweetheart decades later,he told me, he might just “revenge-f**k” her.
    Instead he made her primary.
    Mustve been damn fine supply . If he ever discards her or she escapes, I expect she also will be Utterly Disgusting.

    I suppose I’ll also be U D .
    Are we ALL Utterly Disgustimg, eventually?
    At least, until our supply is needed?
    Is ANYONE safe from being Utterly Disgusting, and if so, who and why?
    HG ?

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