No Contact Suicide – Part One


No Contact can be difficult to implement. Even harder to maintain.

We are looking to batter down your no contact wall and breach your defences so that we can exert control over you once again. It may be because we want draw fuel from you, positive or negative or we may wish to draw fuel and pull you back into the Formal Relationship once again and attach you to us so plenty of delicious fuel is provided to us. Dependent on our fuel needs, the constitution of our fuel matrix and the school of narcissist that we are, we may dedicate considerable time and effort to knocking down your no contact.

Having worked hard to escape us or, if disengaged, build that wall before the Follow-Up Hoovers start when we turn our attention to you once again, there are many occasions where you commit no contact suicide and bring your own wall tumbling down with next to no help from us.

There are two main elements to this no contact suicide. I explained in The Wrong No Contact that you may think you have established no contact, but you actually have not. With no contact suicide, you may well have actually implemented a robust and solid no contact regime and then, as the song goes, you go and spoil it all by doing something stupid.

Keep in mind that we anticipate the commission of no contact suicide and therefore in certain instances our own behaviour will be adjusted to encourage you to bring about the demise of your no contact yourself.

The first part of no contact suicide concerns you ending no contact by simply contacting us. This is either by messaging us, telephoning us or even making an appearance in person.

This may seem an obvious thing not to do, but it repeatedly happens. Ordinarily, if you have escaped us you will receive an Initial Grand Hoover as we fight to bring you back into the Formal Relationship. This happens most of the time – however if it does not or if it has happened and the IGH failed, we may well be relying on you committing no contact suicide through you contacting us. Alternatively, when we want to hoover you weeks or months after your escape or disengagement and you have put in place no contact we recognise there are ways of causing you to commit no contact suicide. Accordingly, you need to be aware of the ways by which we will look to cultivate an environment conducive to this occurring and also the ways in which you are susceptible to committing no contact suicide.

You also need to keep at the forefront of your mind that we are relying on bringing about  no contact suicide so that you contact us and once that happens we want your emotional thinking to surge (through repeated involvement with us following the commission of your no contact suicide) so that you reject logic and fall prey to just your emotional thinking once again. Then it is all aboard the emotional thinking train on an express route to Narc Town again.

  1. The Need For Closure

Victims have a huge need for closure. Understand this – we will never give it you. However, we know that you want it and therefore you have this need to interact with us for the purpose of understanding what has happened and achieving closure. You preferably want to speak with us, either on the telephone or in person. You are a truth seeker and the desire to find out why we did as we did, why we treated you in  this fashion (and especially if you have not realised what you have been dealing with) means the chances of you contacting us to secure closure are high. We will also bait you in this regard, offering to speak with you so closure can be obtained. We will not grant it you and instead we will give you half-answers, riddles and provoke you so that you keep engaging with us. The repeated engagement will feed the emotional infection, cause your emotional thinking to rise and then we have you ensnared again.

Do not seek closure from us. Make your own closure by utilising my works so you understand what has happened. Ask your questions of me, not of the narcissist you were entangled with.

2. The Desire For Revenge

You have been abused, messed around and humiliated. It is time to kick some narcissist ass and get revenge isn’t it? Why not? After all you have escaped, you understand more about who you are dealing with and therefore suitably empowered you tell yourself that driven by this anger, this hatred you will now make our lives hell.

By all means bring it on.

This is an understandable response, but it will cause you to commit no contact suicide. If you are seeking revenge in the immediate aftermath of disengagement or escape (and by that I mean anything up to 4-6 months afterwards) you will not be applying logic. Your emotional thinking is raging and surging and all you will do is mess up the revenge and become ensnared by us in some form again. You may find yourself back in the Formal Relationship or more likely engaged in trying to land blows against us as we revel in doling out malign hoovers against you, smearing you and pointing to your behaviour as exactly the reason why we got rid of you in the first place.

The desire for revenge is often high. Resist it. If you wish to seek revenge 4-6 months later, when your emotional thinking is firmly under control and you are applying logic, then do so and you will be far more likely to succeed. Yet, if you seek it at an early stage you will commit no contact suicide and with no good outcome for you.

3 Returning property/collecting property

We look to leave items of property with you and/or keep items of your property with us so that there is a hook by which we can contact you with the pretence of sorting out this outstanding issue. It is just a way of creating Ever Presence and then having a basis by which we can seek to hoover you.

If you have our property, remove it as part of your purging exercise. Arrange for it to be delivered back to us by courier or a third party. You do not need to contact us to ask do we want it back, you do not need to contact us to make arrangements to bring about a hand over and resist your emotional thinking which will be trying to persuade you to meet up with us like some romantic reunion at Checkpoint Charlie as you hand back a box of possessions and we use the interaction as a prime opportunity to draw fuel from you as you have just committed no contact suicide. We may not even take the goods off you, leaving them with you so we can use the excuse on further occasions.

If you have property with us write it off or make arrangements for a third party to effect recovery and if it is of significance you may have to go to law (either civil or involve the police) in order to cause us to relinquish our hold on the items. Again, our hold is not based on the items themselves (they could be your Barbie doll collection or a sports car) but rather that the item or items  provide a basis for activating a hoover by way of Hoover Trigger and/or because we recognise it will cause you to commit no contact suicide.

Recognise how property will be used against you.

4. Your Replacement/ New Interest

In certain instances we shall parade your replacement (if you were the IPPS) or a new interest (if you are a Shelf IPSS or DLS) in order to cause you to break your no contact. Many times the narcissist, when with a new IPPS, does not want to hear from you as you have been effectively deleted but this parading may still occur because

a. We gain Thought Fuel from imagining your anger or upset at knowing we are with someone else so soon after your disengagement or escape;

b. We want you to break no contact to try to challenge us in some way. This provides us with fuel and enables us to either engage in facade management by being pleasant with you (sometimes the response of upper echelon narcissists) or  allows us to engage in a malicious response to punish you and draw negative fuel.

c. We also want you to break no contact to try to challenge us so it supports the basis of our smearing of you. We gain fuel but we can also show everybody what a wild-eyed harpy you are and how fortunate we were to escape your clutches and find someone who understands us and treats us well.

This parading of the new interest may be done through announcements on social media, appearances at social events and even walking by arm in arm where you live. it is designed to cause you to commit no contact suicide by

a. Having a go at us for dumping you and finding someone else so quickly;

b. To invite your commentary when it is a situation of Have You Seen Who He Is With

c. To try to warn the new interest what they have got themselves into (which invariably fails and backfires)

d. Finding out more about this person

e. To see if we are truly happy with this person – a common fear of the former appliance

Your emotional thinking will con you by suggesting that you should confront us because we have treated you terribly and we should be made aware of this, that you have an obligation as a decent person to warn this fresh victim about us, to sneer at our choice of new love interest when you are far superior to this person and in other ways besides.

Recognise that this is your emotional thinking which is masquerading as logic and reject it before it reaches a tipping point and you become involved again.

Breaching no contact in these circumstances rarely results in you becoming ensnared in the Formal Relationship again (because of course we have someone new) but it provides benefits to us (as detailed above) but it maintains your obsession and investment so that your no contact has crumbled and may never be re-built so that when we do hoover you at a later stage to resurrect the Formal Relationship, it is easy.

5. Provocation Via Third Parties

We will not contact you direct. We want to remain aloof and draw you to us by causing you to commit no contact suicide. It reinforces our perception of power if we can cause you to destroy your own no contact and come to us.

A further way of bringing this about is to say something about you to a third party, knowing it will get back to you. It might be to a friend of yours, a colleague, the children you share with us, another family member or a neighbour. Examples would include :-

“I am rather concerned about Anne’s drinking at the moment and I wondered if you, as her sister, might have a word with her before it gets out of hand.”

“Yes, I have tried to be civil with your friend but every time I go past her house to get to work she opens the window and shouts dog’s abuse at me. I have no idea why she is being like this, but she clearly has some kind of  mental problem.”

“You know Daddy tried to stop me from seeing you because he is jealous of what a lovely time we have together. That’s not nice is it.”

“Well, I do not mind if you go to the concert but your Mum has said you are not allowed to, so you need to take it up with her.”

“I hear she has been looking for jobs with Alpha Corporation. Yes she said she is sick of being taken for granted by you and her colleagues.”

Naturally these will be lies but the intention is for this to be relayed to you and your annoyance at our behaviour, your need to establish the truth and have others knows it (including us) will cause your emotional thinking to surge so you will send a furious text message or telephone us to confront us. Once you do and we gain fuel from your response, we will use various manipulations to keep you engaging as we draw more fuel and feed the emotional infection so you will not let the matter go.

No matter how annoyed you are, how tempting it is to want to put us in our place, this is a deliberate provocation through a third party to cause you to breach no contact and get in touch with us.

There are many other methods that are deployed in bringing about this form of No Contact Suicide but the end game is the same – we want you to make contact with us by message, by telephone and best of all in person so your no contact has been destroyed and we can get what we want from you.

Understand that this is a motivation on our part. Recognise that if we have not directly hoovered you (when you expected it to happen) that we may well be engineering you to commit no contact suicide and familiarise yourself with the ways that this comes about so you can tackle your emotional thinking and maintain no contact.

13 thoughts on “No Contact Suicide – Part One

  1. Eva says:

    Truth Seeker….Daughter of a narcisist I was born with this curse. I have always been trying to detect true and false informations. And with your mother , just the physical ‘no contact’ is not the best option: getting older she needs some assistance. What could be a solution? …Furthermore, just started a no contact, after the doubtful honor of being the IPPS, with my stuff still to recover. He, the ‘good guy’, is literally using common friends, belonging to the same association, mainly with lies. Provoking techniques, expecially after I did the mistake of addressing at him as ‘not human’. Still the harder part is the self battle, and reading this process in your article it’s like ‘touché’. Narcisists are predictable, as we -co-dependents or empaths- are for you. But the incredible part is how powerful you feel when a friend see your lies and cover them. This is something that can lead us to break the no-contact. Until we realize that the truth is something that could be as clear as the sun, you will just use it as you wish.

  2. Freebird says:

    I almost broke my no contact today. Almost unblocked his fb to take a quick “look” but when I saw that it would take 48 hours to reblock, my logical mind slammed into place again.
    Back Story. I married this narc at 19 and within 6 months was running away from him before we had children, knowing even then I would never get away with a child. Through the years I “blocked” out all memories of my time with him.
    40 plus years later, I felt compelled to tell him I was sorry I had hurt him and made contact through social media. We live in different states luckily. Within 3 months of online “relationship”, I began to have some of those memories return as I began to understand that what I was experiencing was pure textbook Narcissist manipulation. As an empath I wanted to help him have a better life, as a woman, I know that is impossible as he is hard wired to continue to seek fuel in any way he can. He used our past and my lack of memory of it to suck me right back in emotionally.
    I no longer feel guilt for my earlier flight from him, I was smarter than I knew.
    My question now is since I made contact will he seek me out physically when his wife dies and he returns to our home state? I think he is a high mid ranger or greater because of the level of control he has.

  3. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, sorry for bothering you! My question here has been pending for a while. I would really appreciate your response when you get a chance. Thanks so much and sorry for being impatient!

  4. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, I would appreciate your insight regarding the following: what if the appliance (according to your consul shelf DLS who has been treated like NISS) unwittingly and unintentionally caused the narc (middle mid ranger) having to explain to his IPPS who she was where he had to lie to his IPPS. They apparently made up but there may have been some friction. Again, the appliance did not intend this to happen. Would this have been some sort of exposure, wounding, or any bases for him to paint her black and never hoover again? They did talk afterwards where the appliance apologized for any trouble. The narc was polite, friendly, and promised future contact. Thank you!

    1. Insatiable Learner says:

      HG, my question was not answered but posted without a response. Could you please reply? I have been waiting to get an answer since March. Thank you so much!

      1. tigerchelle78 says:

        Insatiable Learner….

        Unless it’s a short answer he can give, (which to your question it seems like it may take some time, and perhaps more information), then he is more than likely going to ask you to do perhaps an email consultation.
        I would think…. as he does not have the time to work out everyone’s narc conundrums here (unless it’s a short and direct answer he can give straight away). Or they can read his books, and/or listen to his videos and find answer themselves. He has MUCH to attend to, and that take up his time.

  5. Kensey says:

    I’m two weeks into no contact & his son is texting my daughter.
    My ex Narc knows my daughter is on a work buying trip & very busy. The son texts my daughter that he wants to talk to her when I am not present. Son doesn’t like being in the middle but his dad is suicidal.
    TG my daughter screen shot it to me & knows my lawyer said no contact. No info. No fuel. Nothing. She did say – Mom he’s very worried about his dad. I’m sorry but I heard the suicide threat a million times. I do not take it ( suicide) lightly except in his case, it’s always his go to. When I ripped the mask off a yr and a half ago he was going to off himself. Instead he just resumed the cheating & the rages, devalue, discard.
    So your no contact suicide has a diff meaning to me tonight.
    Possibly the entire drama was to let me know he can F with my daughter.

    1. W says:

      Kensey that’s serious child abuse to his son. Take the screenshot to the police and / or child services.

  6. Alice says:

    Embarrasingly true! Been there, done that several times against all logic. But it’s been a year since my last NC suicide with narc no. 1, and I grew wiser with narc no. 2 who I never allowed to gain any real power ove me. I still committed NC suicide contact once or twice, but there was much less at stake, I was totally aware of it and I was able to recollect and correct myself very quickly.

    This blog had helped me recognize the dynamics, and how to interrupt the ‘game’. Before the real harm could take place. #narcproof :-))

    1. Pam says:

      I agree Alice you learn more with each contact episode even though you break no contact you do learn more and you’re a bit stronger each time you do this someday hopefully it just won’t work anymore

  7. SweetestTaboo says:

    I did all kind of crazy things in my recent no contact suïcide 🤭🤣 , from polite to rage he ignored all the negative ones good for him . He didn’t even blocked me this time . I’m still confused by this all . But don’t care no more and just stay out his way completely.

    Btw ; Can they mirror things you used to like and start doing these things to get your attention ? For what ever reason it may be . Even when they are “cold” to you for some time

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. SweetestTaboo says:

        Thanks !
        I see .
        Now I know i’m not going mental with noticing these acts .
        Your articles did help me so much ! I’ve accomplished going no contact with my first boyfriend (ex-narc ) after 10 years . know how to keep it fuel free with my childrens father . Still working on my no contact with my recent former ex narc . But I will succeed with Reading more of your work/books. With appreciation

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Black Hole