Little Acons – No. 53

I'M NOTINTERFERINGI AMHELPING YOU

37 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 53

  1. WiserNow says:

    Hi Catherine,

    In response to your reply above, what you say makes complete sense to me. I can understand your need to “see” the bigger picture and to unravel the many layers of a story to understand and make sense of it all.

    Catherine, I’m sorry you were sent outside and ended up crying desperately to be loved and accepted again. That is such a cruel and heartless thing to do to a child. It must have been very traumatic at the time. You didn’t deserve it at all and I’m sorry you experienced that.

    It makes sense to me that you feel a need to solve complex interactions in order to see the bigger picture. I can relate to this too. I think our early experiences set us on a path where our views of love and relationships were distorted and we now need to obtain some kind of greater reassurance regarding our perceptions and how those perceptions relate to what we see. Those earlier riddles that we couldn’t solve as children left an echo of doubt within us.

    When I think back, the thing that most confused and upset me when I was a child and teenager was that I was always invalidated. In conversations around the dinner table, or during activities, or while doing anything really, my views and opinions were often scoffed at or belittled or ignored. If I tried to convey an opinion or talk about how I felt about something, it wasn’t taken seriously. If I continued trying to assert myself, seeking some kind of positive response, things escalated into an argument and became more heated. Then, if I didn’t comply with the thoughts and feelings of others and continued asserting myself, the punishment was a long and very cold silent treatment.

    As a child and teenager, the silent treatments felt devastating and painful. I was torn between feeling that I had a right to my own opinion while also feeling that I should “give in” simply to prevent the awful fear of abandonment and more punishment. As a child, I ended up giving in, while as a teenager, I rebelled and felt angry and misunderstood a lot of the time.

    What confused me the most was that my mother seemed to care deeply, in that we were well fed, clean, educated, and we lived in a nice house and were well-regarded and well-behaved. In that sense, I felt loved and protected. So I just couldn’t understand that someone who was supposed to love you could also belittle you and totally disregard your views and opinions. There was something that, to me, didn’t seem real and reliable about my family and I felt wrong and guilty for feeling that way.

    In both of our cases, I believe our developing personalities and our emerging need to assert ourselves were seen as a threat by our mothers. As we were becoming young individuals discovering our own likes and dislikes, our mothers’ control over us was diminishing.

    To your mother, by closing the door and reading about an imaginary world that could only be seen by you, she probably thought you were ignoring her and doing something that she was not in control of. To stop this from happening, your mother didn’t allow closed doors and also “punished” you in order to re-establish control. That’s how I see it anyway.

    Thank you for sharing your story Catherine. Please know that you are not alone in feeling the need for greater understanding. I feel that way too and I’m very grateful for this blog 🙂

  2. WiserNow says:

    Dear Mona,

    Yes, there is pressure from society, which tells us “you should do this and you should do that”.

    The most inflexible judgements come from people who have the least ability to see things from different points of view and have little compassion. When you see this, it is easier not to be so concerned about what everyone else thinks or to let their judgements affect how you feel or what you do.

    The family unit is also a strange animal. And well, a narcissistic family is even more strange than that. It’s like an animal with five legs! It’s both weird and fascinating and probably better if it didn’t reproduce in the first place!! 😉

    Yes, we are honest and we feel responsible and these feelings have probably kept our families operating more successfully as a “real” family. We are the glue that holds the other pieces together and makes the machine operate more effectively.

    I don’t know what the ultimate answer is. We as individuals need to be healthy people who enjoy our lives and have hope for the future and can have healthy relationships, and at the same time they are our parents and they need us. There is no easy answer. Maybe the answers will come in time.

  3. Mona says:

    Dear WiserNow,
    the feeling of guilt is so strong, because the whole society tells us, that we must, unless our parents were obviously violent or extremely cold-hearted. That makes it so difficult. If you look behind the facade of many families you will see, that they do not care so much as they tell. Mostly the ones who do not care at all, tell others loudly it would be such a obligation. We are too honest and feel too responsible.

  4. Mona says:

    Dear WiserNow,
    please do not excuse yourself for telling your life experience. You are not boring! Not at all! This false belief was caused by your neglecting mother. I do not have to tell you, what you should think or believe, but I have had the same feeling for a long time. I felt as if I was boring. I recognised that this feeling was wrong, when I met people from school again. And they told me, that they had admired me a lot for my intelligence and that I have been so interesting for them, but they have had no chance to come close to me. The truth is, that they have had no chance, because I !!!! thought, that I would have been too boring for this kind of people. And therefore I avoided them. I have had a total wrong perception of myself. And year after year of my mother`s manipulation I made myself more and more a grey mouse for a long time. I became anxious, I learnt to shut my mouth and to be what she wanted me to be. That is over now.
    A long time of grief followed. And now I see her more realistic. I let go the dream of a real bond. It is not important anymore. It was a constructed fake.
    You tell about the self-imposed burden of feeling responsible for a loving bond/ relationship. Yes, you are right. It is a self-imposed burden. Please, never forget that. If they cannot love us the way we are or as we expect love, it is not their fault. They are not able to do it. At the same time it means also, that we are not obliged/indebted to love them the way they expect it. We have no guilt of birth. Their parental dominance ends, when we reach adulthood. It can be a good relationship, but there is no force that it must be.

    1. Mona says:

      WiserNow,
      please do not think, that I solved all problems. That is not true. I still have a lot of problems with me. For example, I am not able to buy something expensive for me, although I earn a lot of money. I know it is stupid, I could spend that money without any financial problem. There is still the belief in me that I have to be modest. I do not “earn” it to be good to me. I know that is not normal and I have to work on it. The effect of the narcissistic upbringing is still there. I have to learn to allow it myself. One step after the other. At least I allowed myself to buy an expensive mobile phone lately. The next step will be to use it. I know that is “crazy.” Things, which are normal for others, are a huge problem for me.
      She made me invisible.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Dear Mona,

        From this post, I feel your frustration and pain and I am sorry you have to go through this. It is very difficult and you probably feel like you need to change who you are, but please try to be kind to yourself. It is not your fault and you are doing the best that you can.

        It took many years for you to become the person you are today, so all of that cannot be changed in a short time. There is no time limit and you don’t have to change to please anyone at all. All you have to do is be who you are. You are definitely not invisible or crazy. You are an intelligent woman who is working to support yourself and you are all of that under the constant pressure of having a narcissistic mother. Imagine just how strong and wise you actually are! 🙂

        I know what you mean about feeling like you have problems to solve. I also feel like that too a lot of times. Just small steps one by one is all you have to do. You bought a new phone so that’s a positive step. It feels good to have a new phone 🙂 If you haven’t used it yet, that’s not really a problem. You will use it when you feel like it. Just give yourself the time you need until you feel comfortable to start using it. New technology always makes me feel a bit anxious until I get used to the idea that it’s going to be ok. Once you start to use it, one step will lead to another and you’ll be using new apps before you know it!!! 🙂 It’s not a competition and you don’t have to please anyone else but yourself.

        It is not really a problem if you don’t buy expensive new things for yourself. Maybe it is just something you are not used to. Buying things does not make you happy if you are not happy inside yourself already. Think about what things you like and what you appreciate and then buy something small for yourself that you really like. Do it with planning and go to a nice shop where the assistants are friendly. Make a point to think about and enjoy the experience. Afterwards, enjoy the thing you bought for yourself and remember how it was a good experience to buy it and how you earned it for yourself. Anyway, you have bought a new phone, so maybe you have already done all these things.

        There are no rules Mona and you have every right to feel exactly how you feel. The main thing is to respect and care for your “self”.

        Take care of yourself and please stay in contact here. Good luck with your new phone and all the best 🙂 xx

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi mona…you definitely deserve to treat yourself! Youve worked for that money so enjoy some of it!

    2. WiserNow says:

      Dear Mona,

      Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

      Yes, we are not obliged or indebted to love them the way they expect it, that is true. We were children and we were expected to behave like we didn’t need affection and unconditional love. We were treated as though we were appliances and it affected us, and it still does.

      It helps to hear your words that we are not obliged to love them. It helps to hear it from someone else. It’s almost like you are giving me permission to not feel guilty. Thank you. I know that seems strange but the concept of “no contact” with my family is very difficult for me to accept and do. But if I feel more strongly that the guilt is not necessary, it is easier to feel less obliged, even if I still have regular contact with them.

      We all need, or needed, a family. It is the way nature made us. It’s just that the family we happen to have makes life more difficult for us.

      Thank you for your reassuring words and comments. I can tell you that you are not boring also. You have a very observant and sharp insight and I can see you are intelligent. Thank you for your comments xx

  5. WiserNow says:

    Dear Mona,

    Please don’t ever feel that you need to express yourself better. I understood very clearly everything you said and you have an excellent knowledge of English. Thank you very much for your reply. It makes a lot of sense and I know what you mean.

    You were a very self-aware and strong-minded little girl to know those things at such a young age. Good for you. Your strong natural instincts and self-awareness will continue to protect you, and now that you have concrete knowledge from learning more about it, you will trust your gut even more and your insight will be even clearer.

    I find it very interesting how all of our experiences are similar and yet no two people are the same. And it is very helpful to hear another person’s perceptions.

    About myself, I agree with you that I found it easier to “escape” reality by reading books and living in the “dreams” of my imagination. I totally immersed myself in imaginary stories. I guess it was the only way to have “no contact” while living in the same house. As you say, it also was a way to learn good behaviour and bad behaviour and gave me the “positive” emotional reflection I wanted and needed to see.

    I also understand what you say about “mild” and “nasty” narcissists. My parents were never obviously nasty or physically abusive. Their strange behaviours were difficult to detect by a child, and I guess I was a trusting child who wanted to believe and DID believe they were good parents and that their intentions were ultimately good and loving.

    I find it very interesting that you had a “natural intrinsic feeling” about what you needed from your parents even as a small child and what you could expect. It sounds like you were very aware of this, which is a good thing I think. Your naturally developed brain already clearly knew what was right and wrong and you knew what you could and couldn’t get from them. I feel that these natural instincts already had a lot of logic in them. They will help you to turn on your logic now and to be strong in your self-control despite the negative influences that shaped who you are. It sounds like you have the natural conditions already in place to do this.

    I didn’t have such a clear feeling when I was very young. I think I felt that something was missing even though I didn’t know what it was. I don’t know exactly when this feeling started, but I was always a sensitive and slightly depressive child. I wanted more closeness and to really “feel” a bond that I couldn’t feel. It always felt like I was searching for something that I thought must be there in my mother and I tried very hard to find it. It took me a very long time and also lots of external research to finally accept that what I was searching for (a true bond) simply isn’t possible.

    I now feel that I am no longer the same as I was back then. I am still sensitive but not so depressive. I am happier inside myself. I now have to keep rebuilding myself and remembering that I am ok as I am. I can stop searching and I can let go of the self-imposed burden of feeling responsible that my mother and I can and should have a loving bond.

    Thank you once again for your comments Mona. It really is very helpful to talk to someone who understands. I’m sorry if I am boring you with all the details about my life, however, it helps to write these things and it interests me a lot to learn about other people’s views and experiences.

    All the best to you 🙂 xx

  6. Mona says:

    At first, thank all of you for your very interesting and helpful comments.

    I start with Kensey first.
    Kensey, if there was an interrogation room, it would not help, because there is a lack of emotional intelligence and she does not want to.
    I learnt a lot about narcs at this blog and I believe that I know now how they function. Their instincts dominate them more than their education by their family. In some way you cannot change them. Their inherent character traits always dominate. If they have had loving parents, their narcissism is “mild” in some way. Nevertheless it causes great damage to their children. My mother believes that she is a very good human being. She denies that she has no empathy and that she is selfish. If you get to know them, they are predictable. Their behaviour is always the same. (although I make the same mistakes again and again. I have to change my behaviour, then I could handle her better)
    If they have had dysfunctional parents like HG, they will become nasty. There is no rest of a conscience.
    WiserNow,
    thank you very much for your comment. As you can see above, I agree with you a lot. When I was a little child, I had a natural intrinsic feeling about what is wrong and what is right and what I needed and what I could expect from parents. I think, my needs have been very balanced. The influence of a narcissistic parent caused my feeling of a low self-esteem later. My mother needed many years to distort my perception of myself and my perception of the world around me. I am now back on my way to myself. I start to trust my gut again. And I know myself better than ever before.
    I believe that you found another way to cope with the strange behaviour at home. You took books to learn about (normal and abnormal) human behaviour. And of course – it was a flight or abscondence in some way. It is easier to endure the strange behaviour at home, when you have a place to dream yourself away. A friend of mine did the same. He is a very good physician now with a lot of emotional problems. He fled into science.
    Sometimes I am angry about myself that I cannot express better, what I want to. If I only could write in my native language….

  7. Kensey says:

    Mona~ My heart hurts. I’m so sorry for your four year old self. Thank God & Disney the 7 dwarfs could bring you some comfort.
    I wish there was an interrogation room where your mother could be held accountable.I guess, in a way, that is what we have here. Keep coming back,it works.

  8. E. B. says:

    Manipulation and control. It has nothing to do with genuine help.

    This is also done to make Acons lose confidence and to interfere with their reality. Parents do this to their children repeatedly, in different areas (school, career, job, social life..) and for years.

    “Do you want me to help you with your homework?” (You are not good enough at doing your homework on your own. You need help.)
    “Do you want me to come to help you with the kids” (You are not good at taking care of your own children. )
    “Do you need any money?” (You are not good at managing your money.)

    Most people will not want to believe that these parents are not helping but messing with the child’s reality. They will reinforce the Acon’s false perception of himself and will make him feel guilty. ‘They worry about you… You are SO ungrateful… They only want to help!’

    The less confident Acons become, the easier it is for the parent to control and manipulate them.

  9. Mona says:

    Ouch, I made a failure. I put you, HG and all the others in one pot. Therefore my comment will not be published for a long time. It is such an insult.

    1. Morning sun says:

      For whom is it an insult, Mona?

      1. Mona says:

        Morning sun, for HG, naturally. He is not one of us. He is superior and we are the weak, inferior ones in his mind. If it is a soup, he is at least the extra flesh in the pot. We are only vegetables.

  10. Mona says:

    There is something which really surprises me after so many years of manipulation. When I was four years old, I felt once very alone and I chose some fantasy figures to protect me. Whom did I choose? The seven dwarfs. It is THAT fairy tale of a narcissistic mother and I instinctively chose the dwarfs for protection. I knew that they were fantasy, but I did as if they would have been reality. Maybe it is a coincidence that I chose them. Maybe. Is it possible that children of that age are able to recognise what is in front of them? Later I denied, that something is wrong. It was easier that way. But as a four year old child I knew that there was something definitely wrong.
    HG and all the others, when did you feel the first time that something is wrong?

    1. Morning sun says:

      “Is it possible that children of that age are able to recognise what is in front of them?”
      No, recognition implies that you know the characteristics of something and are able to see them and determine that there are enough of them for the thing to be XYZ – but they can feel insecure around a parent and like they are not allowed to be themselves or relax around the parent. After a while, the child may learn to normalise this feeling or direct it against themself, as in “something’s wrong with me that I don’t like/trust/… my parent”.

    2. EmP says:

      Hi Mona, I don’t remember the ‘first time’ I felt there was something wrong with my mother. Also, when it comes to my childhood I have a bit of a spotty memory, probably due to trauma.

      I do remember, however, the gloom I was constantly immersed in.

    3. WiserNow says:

      That’s interesting Mona. Babies and small children do not have cognitive understanding, but perhaps their emotional receptors or reactivity is more sensitive for that reason.

      When I was a small child, I absolutely loved to read. When other children would talk about dolls or toys that were their favourites, I would talk about books and stories. I considered books my friends and I could always rely on them and learn from them.

      To answer your question, I didn’t clearly feel that something was “wrong”. Instead, I felt that I myself was “lacking” in some way and that I wasn’t “good enough”. I didn’t blame anyone else for it though, until I was older and started to see the behaviour of others more clearly, but even then, I would always think that everyone else was ok while I needed to change.

      Looking back, I really enjoyed reading books that focused or explained human emotion or human behaviour in some way. They really resonated with me although I didn’t give it that much thought at the time or stop to wonder why. When reading about the characters in these books, I felt like I was also living through them and my empathy really kicked in. I felt I “knew” them and their predicaments even better than the author knew them! lol 😀

      Some of my favourite authors when I was a young teenager were Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, John Steinbeck, Thomas Hardy, Colleen McCullough and Bryce Courtenay. I chose them myself and found them to be very satisfying to read.

      It’s interesting that you say that you chose the seven dwarfs to “protect” you. It suggests that you already felt a need to be protected, so maybe you already felt you were unsafe in some way. Perhaps our emotional intuition is more refined even at a young age than we believe it is. It also shows that our need to be protected will motivate us to find a way to protect ourselves using the available resources that trigger some kind of recognition or that resonate with us. Perhaps you recognised the narcissistic undertones in Snow White in an intuitive or emotional way that you couldn’t understand in a cognitive way and chose the seven dwarfs to protect you like they protected Snow White.

      Perhaps narcissistic adults also felt this need for self-protection at a very young age, however, their natural instincts led them to seek protection by manipulating another living being around them to get external emotional support? It’s just a thought, but empathic people may choose inanimate objects that give them emotional sustenance because they already have their own internal emotional life.

      Thinking about these things gives me a feeling that narcissism is not actually caused by childhood abuse. Highly empathic and narcissistic people were both psychologically abused as children but their personalities developed in very different ways. I tend to believe that the narcissistic person’s lack of empathy, conscience and self-soothing ability is biological and is the way their brain was created by nature. Their experiences throughout life may have shaped and influenced their behaviour, but the foundations from which that behaviour stems were pre-determined.

      Thank you for sharing your story Mona. Sharing our experiences here is very helpful in understanding everything about this condition.

      1. Catherine says:

        WiserNow,
        what an interesting discussion and I see myself in you when you describe yourself as a child. I was the highly emotional child who thought something was wrong with me very early on and the only way of protecting myself from my Mid Range mother was to hide away behind closed doors in my room, under the covers in my bed, reading those books, those stories that symbolised some kind of escape for me. In my childhood home doors were not allowed to be closed though if it wasn’t my mother who closed them which meant that I ended up crying desperately outside not knowing what I’d done, but still begging for forgiveness to be loved and accepted again. When I closed my door to read she would immediately be there in seconds to suspiciously open it though. But stories saved me in so many ways. To be able to live parallel lives. It paved the way for a lifelong passion for literature for me. And the stories that fascinate me up until this day are often the ones with meta stories where different layers of meaning are going on at different levels at the same time. I have this strong need to put the pieces of life together, to understand the whole, to complete the puzzle of different layers and that’s both ironic and understandable I guess because a childhood spent in utter confusion calls for a need to see the whole picture. And a grown up relationship with a narcissist literally means being kept in the dark too. So I’ve spent my whole life trying to complete the puzzle and get some closure if it makes sense?

    4. K says:

      Mona
      Around age 5 I knew my parents didn’t love me.

      1. Kensey says:

        K ~ 😢

        1. K says:

          Awww…thank you, Kensey!

  11. narc affair says:

    My mums “supportive” when something negatives going on in my life otherwise i never hear from her. Weeks go by without so much as a how are you doing. I guess thats a good thing.

    1. WiserNow says:

      i can relate to that too narc affair. In conversations, both my parents will ask questions about what’s going on in my life and very subtly fish for negative information.

      If I complain about work, or friends, or something else, I think they feel a sense of satisfaction. While appearing to care, I think it gives them a feeling of competitive advantage to hear that someone else (even their own child) is having difficulties about something. It’s so distorted.

      The silent treatments are a blessing when you have awareness. While I find it very sad to say about my own close family members, who I still care about, the silence now gives me peace and relief.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi wisernow…thats exactly it she is only interested if something negative is going on. I think bc she can pretend to care and control. When things are going well is when she seems miserable. Its so backwards. I think bc shes miserable she takes comfort in others also being miserable.
        Im thankful for the space but there are days i feel sad for a moment especially when i see other mothers and their daughters close. Hanging out and chatting. I do miss our phone call days where we would chit chat but it always cost me in the form of devaluation and manipulation.

    2. WiserNow says:

      Thank you for your recent comments Narc Affair.

      To answer your questions, I haven’t spoken openly about narcissism with my mother, and if I did, I strongly suspect she would deny, deflect and twist things around in a circular argument to evoke sympathy and make me look like the bad guy. There is simply no way to reason with her.

      I think she does suspect that I know, mainly because my behaviour has changed quite dramatically in a short space of time. I now call and visit much less often. I keep conversations short and I don’t tell her much, which is very different to how it used to be.

      It makes me sad too, when I think back to how we once discussed things and were close. However, like you say, the cost of having that closeness was a high price to pay and meant feeling disoriented and unhappy for days afterwards. And the closeness wasn’t genuine in the way I thought it was.

      Like you, I find that her constant need for attention gets annoying. Her needs are always more important than anyone else’s, in her mind. It’s draining, to be honest.

      I find that she has hoovered me quite a lot using a lot of different methods, but mainly love-bombing, since my behaviour has changed. I am now totally aware of the methods, thanks to HG. In the past, these hoovers would have worked and I would have felt obliged and grateful. Now I resist the hoovers and instead of love-bombing, she uses triangulation and trying to evoke sympathy instead.

      The mind games never stop 🙂

  12. nikitalondon says:

    Little words of the exes too!!! powerfully destructive

  13. WiserNow says:

    …boy does this one ring true!

    My mid-range Narc mother can always find some way to “help” or “support” me. Usually in the form of giving me unnecessary and unrequested gifts or money, or making a nice meal. These gestures look very loving and caring, however, the real intention is to make herself look like mother of the year, or to create a sense of obligation and guilt, or to encourage reciprocal behaviour. It’s also to have something to refer to if she’s ever accused of being self-centred.

    To an unsuspecting observer, these gestures look like they’re coming from a loving mother and if they are refused by the adult child, the observer thinks the adult child is being ungrateful or rude and should “show more respect etc” to the “poor and innocent” aging parent.

    It’s all part of the facade and the child is damned if they do and damned if they don’t. It’s pathetic and frustrating.

    When I was growing up, I actually believed these gestures were coming from a place of kindness and sincere care. I accepted the gifts and other things and I happily reciprocated and enjoyed giving gifts and doing kind things in return for my family and others.

    Now that I see the manipulative agenda behind it, the whole scenario of being kind and generous has been tainted. If I personally want to give someone a gift as a genuine gesture of appreciation etc, I will analyse and overthink it to death because I don’t want them to suspect that I’m doing it for a hidden reason or to create an obligation.

    I hate that the spontaneous “positive” qualities of “normal” people and empaths need to be suppressed or hidden while the devious mindgames of narcs reign supreme.

    I’m not a violent person, but I personally want to punch each and every narc in the face repeatedly until they lose consciousness. That way, they would finally leave the rest of us alone and stop their neverending quest for fuel. Damn fuckers, all of them.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi wisernow….she sounds like a dirty angel!

      1. WiserNow says:

        Hi narc affair,

        Yes, she certainly has aspects of a dirty angel, and from what I can see, she mixes that with being a victim narcissist. There is an air of “woe is me” about her all the time. She is also like an “inverted” Stepford wife in that everything about her family/house needs to appear “perfect” with her calling all the shots, if that makes sense.

        Having seen the way she operates more clearly, I think she has very good intuition when it comes to sizing people up. Her manipulations are different depending on who she is targeting. She seems to know exactly what buttons to press or how to hoover depending on the personality and the emotional “make-up” and history of the person she’s targeting, or the circumstances at the time.

        Having studied the past, I think her manipulations are unpredictable and covert, while she presents a very charming and caring facade. This makes it very easy for her to go undetected, especially by those who only know her as an acquaintance. It also makes the reality of what she is actually doing all the more hurtful and infuriating once you know the actual truth.

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi wisernow…does she suspect you know what shes doing?
        How you described her is exactly how my mother in law is.
        She knows that i know shes a narc or what shes about. Ive brought up narcissism a few times and she gets quiet and once grinned. I think shes aware of how she is but not sure she knows its npd.
        To be fair shes not been diagnosed but everything in the dirty angel blog is her so exact.
        Once they know you see thru them it can turn ugly bc theyre afraid youll expose or outplay them in some way.
        Ive been respectful of her but im cautious now what i tell her and try not to be a part of her games.
        I do find it annoying how much praise she needs and how she orchestrates scenerios to get it.
        I try to limit how much time im around her and that helps a lot. Id never keep her from her grandkids but i do make sure that i dont have to be around her for extended periods of time.

    2. Mona says:

      WiserNow, I could repeat each word that you have written. I made the same experience. And it gets worse. Today my mother looked for attention. She showed me that she could not use the stairs anymore. I had to help her. She showed all the relatives at a family event how bad her health is. How much she needs help and care and compassion. And they all did. In a secret moment when she thought no one would watch her, I saw how easily she went to the car. No walking stick needed! She is such an actress. I told one relative about it and she said, my mother is psychological ill. And she told me to ask another aunt about my mother, she would know much more about my mother and how she behaved when she was younger. I will call this aunt. My relative said to me: “I know, she drives you crazy and you go through hell right now.” What a relief and what a comfort that some of them know, what`s going on behind the facade. At least I escaped the male narc. That was (for me) much easier. I need all my self-control today…

      1. WiserNow says:

        I know what you mean Mona, they are great actresses, and great liars and will stop at nothing to get what they want.

        They actually pride themselves on how “successful” their manipulations are. If they think they have fooled you or controlled you, they feel a sense of achievement and superiority. There is no conscience or guilt at all.

        As you say, they seem to care even less as they get older. There is no softening of their personality with memories or thinking about all the things that have happened in their lifetimes. All of the goodness they have been shown has no impact at all on them. In fact, I think age seems to make them even more ruthless and selfish.

        As you say, it helps to know that other people recognise the truth and understand you. It’s a psychological illness and the children of these parents have to learn to adapt their behaviour because of it. It’s very difficult, but it gets a bit easier with time.

        I wish you all the best with your mother and I hope your logic and knowledge give you the self-control you need. I also hope you have the ability to spend time away from your mother so that you can be yourself away from all the manipulations. Good luck xx

    3. K says:

      WiserNow
      your last paragraph had me LMFAO! Thank you!!!

      1. WiserNow says:

        You’re welcome K 🙂

        It’s the only way I can think of to be rid of them AND have a sense of complete satisfaction at the same time lol

        It feels good to be able to say it here too, in a forum where it will be understood.

        1. K says:

          WiserNow
          It is a fabulous idea and I completely understand. This forum is awesome! Lol.

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