Poll : If You Could Make The Narcissist See One Thing, What Would It Be?


I have written and explained on many occasions that we have a different perspective to other people and it is this different perspective which is behind so much of our behaviour. Our narcissism is a self-defence mechanism and has been created in order to protect us. This means we see things differently to you, we respond in an alternative fashion and do what is best for us, which often means it is not the best thing for you.

Many people have significant difficulty in grasping this different perspective. How can someone so intelligent not see what they are doing? Surely the narcissist must know he is telling lies? I cannot believe he does not see that this is destroying al around him. Our victims experience frustration and hurt in trying to get the narcissist to see their points of view, to get the narcissist to understand the impact of what they are doing and waste time, energy and other resources seeking to cause the narcissist to see that which the narcissist cannot see or, where the narcissist is a Greater, may see, but chooses not to understand, again because of the narcissism.

If you had the ability to cause the narcissist to see with total clarity just one thing, what would it be? Would it be that you would want the narcissist to know he or she is lying? Perhaps to be able to see how much he or she is loved? That the narcissist is the one who is at fault, causing mayhem, broken relationships, destroyed friendships and lost jobs? Which would it be from the list – you can only choose one – and as usual please expand on your thoughts and observations in the comments section.

Thank you for participating.

If you could make the narcissist see one thing with total clarity and understanding, what would it be?

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84 thoughts on “Poll : If You Could Make The Narcissist See One Thing, What Would It Be?

  1. NarcAngel says:

    That brilliance and legacy does not require mayhem.

    1. K says:

      I have been pondering your comment for a while and I think the brilliance is woven into the mayhem, to wit, in order to realize the brilliance the mayhem is required.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Do you mean that it is required as part of the creative process?

  2. Morning sun says:

    None of the proferred choices seem appealing. Most of them are angled towards being validated by the narc (don’t need that) or healing them (not my job and not interested) or improving their self-awareness (that’s their own damn business).

    If I absolutely had to make my ex see one thing, it would be this: should he ever try to cross me in some way that could hurt me (financially, socially, etc.) or my relationships with the important people in my life, I will strike back and make his life a living hell. I woud want him to know with absolute clarity that it is in his own interest to leave me alone.

  3. Leolita says:

    Haha, are you kidding HG? just a test, right? These are all the ways of giving fuel, so no thx. I only wish that I could stop being a narc magnet.

  4. jo griffiths says:

    To be honest, I don’t really think any of the above ‘choices’ would have any effect at all on a malignant narcissist/psychopath. If there’s one thing I would wish this individual to be faced with and be forced to look at, deeply, it would be what’s left of their true self.

    1. jo griffiths says:

      I’ve realised something that I keep forgetting !! The narcissist is an addict !! Plain & simple. All of the above would make him smile & shake his head ! ANY attention IS attention !! Attention, (and through it the other person’s reaction,) IS supply. Sadism does come into this as a by-product. (I’ve watched my ex’s face.) I know a bit about this. I have abused alcohol in my life. A lot ! I am lucky in that I no longer need it and can still enjoy some in MODERATION…but I see the poor sods in town, pissed as a fart in the morning and looking for their next drink already. I feel for them, but there is NOTHING I could do to talk them out of it. Some of them are surprisingly intelligent and ALREADY know that things would be a lot better and even “happier,” without that accursed drink. Unfortunately, they have forgotten how to feel truly happy, (if they ever did,) and ALL they have is the alcohol because it helps them hide from the TRUTH !! It seems the closest thing to happiness that they have. Indeed, it may be that all addicts are hiding from “a” truth. They are trying to escape it. I was a codependent. I did not have enough self esteem. (Thanks…un-mother.) It took me 3 long, very dysfunctional relationships to heal myself. I’m 59, nearly. Drink has lost it’s importance! I think the narcissist is terrified of facing him/herself, as they MISTAKENLY believe that they are awful/pathetic what you will. It becomes more & more ingrained. The addiction “takes the place’ of the true person, the secret is to replace the addiction back to true person. Easier said than done. They would have to feel it is worth it. Sorry to rant.

      1. Twilight says:

        Hello jo griffiths

        What is the “true” person?
        Addiction in any form is just a cover to hide the insecurities and /or pain of one.
        What about the genetic disposition of narcissism or empathy?

      2. jo griffiths says:

        Twilight !! What an excellent question & comment. The narcissist, unlike a part-time ‘addict,(‘ e.g.. a binge drinker,) is constantly a narcissist. A sort of method actor. A walking lie. Some know it & some don’t. (Mind, this is only my opinion!) The only time they seem to let up is when they are asleep. If their narcissism started when they were…say…about 2 years old..then perhaps their emotional thinking is that of a 2 year old? It started as a protection for them but became ingrained. I do think that genetics play a part. It seems likely that there may be a genetic predisposition to become one or not. Maybe this is why some abused kids become narcissists & others become co-dependents. I know this is oversimplified & there are so many compounding variables that would complicate the situation. Also, a ‘part time’ addict…like a ‘part time’ drinker may be a pain in the rectum when drinking but ok when sober. As you say, to cope with the pain of what they SEE as the truth. Anyone that can self-reflect has a chance of healing whereas the narcissist has a problem with this. Same with empathy. Narcissists have ‘cold’ empathy. Therefore they know how to press our buttons. Best. Jo

  5. Mona says:

    How interesting is that poll! How many saviors are here! They all believe that there is another self behind the cruel one. Perhaps it is that way, perhaps it is not after so many years of prison (created by the narc himself). It is interesting too, that all the people think that there is a brilliant person, if the false self is deleted. But most of the brilliance is only created by the narc. It is part of the (false) self. What would happen, if the narc would tell all of them the truth about his real achievements? What would happen, if they would see a normal person behind all those exaggeration? Would all these women still be interested in their narc?
    I doubt that. All of them want to live in a fantasy world. Only 3 % voted that he should recognise his own lies. I accept that there was only one choice possible and that then other things are more important than the lies. But only 3%? Brilliant without their concept of lies? This thought is a little bit too fantastic!
    I have to include myself. I wanted to see his lies as the reality. I am not better than anyone else here. It is some kind of self-defense too. If you do not see the truth, it is not there. A form of denial too!

    1. 12345 says:

      I’m in the 3% with you, Mona. With most people, I will say “they told a lie” so I’m careful not to insinuate that they are a one-dimensional liar. Everyone lies sometimes. My mother, however, is a one-dimensional liar. It is constant. It could be only a matter of hours and she will say the exact opposite of what she said before which leaves me wondering about any of it. Is any of it true? If so, which story? No contact has given me a lot of sanity around that. Trying to guess what is true is exhausting.

    2. jo griffiths says:

      I voted…”What ppl really think about the narcissist.” This is because some of them that knew him told me he was a fake. It would be a bit of a shock to him if he was to realise that he was already ‘rumbled’ by quite a few of his associates !! He would be a bit pissed off that he’d been wasting his time ! The thing that they all seem to fear is the thing they talk least about and I have mentioned that ‘thing’ at the end of my little poem. When they die, their ego will surely die with them.

      1. jo griffiths says:

        12345, Sorry, I’m getting slack !! That poem is amongst the comments under “parasite”…

    3. Morning sun says:

      I’m all for helping a narcissist who recognises their condition and who wants to change (they don’t need to see their condition as a problem!) IF the person helping is qualified to do that AND it doesn’t come to the detriment of themself or other important relationships in their life.

      Other kinds of desire to help personally give me the creeps – IMO, it’s just a projection of people’s inner desires of being helped themselves.

    4. NeverAgain says:

      I believe my ex was not just shallow but inside an empty shell that can never be filled. One time he told me I was afraid to be alone . . . no, he is afraid of being alone. However, my answer when he said that was you are afraid to know who you are. At the time, little did I know in his early 20’s he was hospitalized and diagnosed NPD.

  6. Deneene says:

    I would want him to experience real empathy and know what that feels like. Walk a mile in my shoes for once.

  7. WhoCares says:

    I chose ‘How much I love(d) the narcissist.’

    But it is more than that…

    I wish that the narcissist could be a mind-reader.

    I wish that that the narcissist could, subjectively, see inside me to understand, from my perspective how much he was/is loved, valued and appreciated. I wish he could witness it and observe it in my covert and overt actions done on his behalf.
    But then, if he had the capacity to do so, the problem wouldn’t  exist in the first place.

    Thank-you, for showing us your subjective experience, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. jo griffiths says:

      Who cares, I think they can easily see inside us. (See “Parasite,”) it’s just that they do not care.

  8. Joy4Life says:

    I’d want them to see that their victims are everything they could ever want in a lifetime relationship: Compassionate, Loving, Warm, Passionate, Caring, Giving, Sweet, Well-Mannered, Pleasing to the Eye, Devoted, Empathic, and Loyal. But, the Narcissist misses out on every one of these wonderful partners due to the abuse and Discarding of them. They have everything that the Narcissist wants, but the Narcissist sabotages it every time, and always will.

  9. Carol M says:

    In one word: HIMSELF.

    1. jo griffiths says:

      Carol M. Exactly !! x

  10. abrokenwing says:

    I would like the narcissist to access and accept his fragile self he despises for having failed him when he was a child so he can drop his defences and see that he is wonderful, brilliant, enough, worthy and perfect as he really is.
    All the true self needs is to feel safe , accepted and unconditionally loved.

  11. Jess says:

    I chose people can be trusted. He didn’t trust me. I don’t trust him either. If things were different… I was truly loyal to a very non loyal man for a very long time. I believe he tried protecting himself from feeling vulnerable and what he just think inevitably hurt by breaking me instead. I was still there waiting like a dumbass. Lol. Maybe he just had fun with me didn’t care about my feelings anyways… So, I finally got away. But… maybe he will have a fully happy trusting relationship one day, that’s not for me to worry about anymore but I do wish happiness to him. I’m moving on for my own pursuit of happiness ♥️

  12. Kate says:

    I would have liked to be able to choose, “he is a complete dick”, but it was not an option.

    I chose how all of the problems are the Narcissist’s fault because they do not compromise and don’t care about my personal happiness. Obviously, time to go.

  13. Twilight says:

    Simple truth, what is

  14. Flighty says:

    I could not actually vote on this one HG. Any answer would simply equal supply to the narcissist I refer to. I am sure he already sees and recognises all of it.

    If, however, you replaced “see” in your question with “feel”, then I could probably answer. And in such a case I would choose option 2, both for me and for our children. This would impose genuine empathy, for a change, and it would be a small justice granted.

  15. Cheryl says:

    There isn’t a choice of Other or None in this Poll. I don’t see ANY of these as being of much help. Each item of clarity, to my way of thinking, would only increase the power of that issue. The narcissist doesn’t CARE, and nothing can change that, so all of these choices are irrelevant. If a person completely lacks the empathy that goes along with each choice? then each choice becomes null and void, and just that much more weaponized for the narcissist.

  16. /iroll says:

    Personally, i see the narc as Nick Cage from “Vampire’s Kiss”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But only Nicholas Cage appears as Nicholas Cage!

  17. Barbara says:

    If the narc. could only see that the game is worth the candle, the love is worth the pain, the depth is worth the dive, then perhaps he/she would have the courage to try to overcome the horrible situation he/she is in.

  18. Catherine says:

    I chose to go with how much the narcissist has hurt me because that’s been my main issue both in the relationship and afterwards. It can encompass some of the other alternatives though like how destructive his behaviour is.

    The fact that he couldn’t see his behaviour as hurtful; the fact that he just wasn’t equipped with the empathy and the conscience to see me as a human being and not as some dehumanised object; it still hurts. I don’t know how many times I tried to desperately explain to him basic kindness and respect for others to no avail at all. He just stared into space. You shouldn’t have to point out to a grown man that he hurts you when he accuses you of paranoid things you’re innocent of or when he projects his own shortcomings onto you, the better to hold you responsible for them.

    I guess what I really would like for him to see most of all is that he’s not the innocent victim he portrays himself to be. He lives in a world gone astray where he’s been so victimised by imagined betrayals that he who has this heart of gold (he often used those terms) is forever forced to battle the evil of others with aggression and manipulation. Because he is the one who’s been very hurt; not me in his eyes; he has no self distance at all; and he just couldn’t see that he turned everything that happened upside down. I would like for him to realise that he was to blame for lots of what happened to us; that’s what I’d like. I want justice; still I want more than anything that elusive justice and being declared innocent of all the mind boggling mind games he involved me in. I would like for him to see clearly how I see him; as the monster he was to me.

    1. Carol M says:

      Catherine, my dear, he knows he has hurt you. He simply either doesn’t care or thinks you deserved it.

  19. Perse S. Frisky says:

    At one time I would have wanted to vote for all of the above.

    Now I would not choose any of these.

    The one thing I would want the narcissist to know is this:

    You have my sympathy and I’m outta here.

    Oh snap! That’s 2 things!

  20. lexiconlover says:

    For the narcissist to know that healing and recovery is not out of their reach. If they spent half as much time using maladaptive defense mechanisms for self-protection, and put that same time into treatment, they too could experience real love, joy, and intimacy. The endless search for supply would finally cease.

    1. Barbara says:

      I agree, based on the newest studies of neuroplasticity of the brain, it seems that these patterns of perception and thinking actually can be changed.

    2. jo griffiths says:

      No. lexiconlover. There endless search for supply MAY only cease when the substitute their addiction to “supply,” (attention,) for another addiction !

  21. Ayla Fecero says:

    I voted to make them see how brilliant/wonderful they are without the façade. If that were in place, it seems like all the rest would fall into place with a minimal amount of effort. I did, possibly do, deeply love my N-ex. He is an incredible person, in so many ways. No matter how many times or ways I told and showed him, he did not believe me. That thread of near-nihilistic destruction ran through everything. A confusingly converse magnetism – wrong ends always meeting up. Dancing ever closer, only to fall away again. Poles misaligned, flipping over one another endlessly. Eternal emotional cacophony. Sigh. I have court with him tomorrow. I’m bathing in regret and longing, fear and love. I miss his face, and never want to see it again.

    1. Barbara says:

      I wish you the best. I understand how that feels.

  22. W says:

    /think about them.

  23. W says:

    How ppl really see them. Pretty much encapsulates all of the options.

  24. Jenna says:

    Interesting poll, HG.

    But I was confused by my own answer. I chose “how much I love the narcissist”… but, doesn’t the narcissisr already know that? Isn’t that part of their fuel? Seeing how much I care about them and love them to validate their own adequacy?

    I guess what I meant when I chose that was for the narcissist to know what it feels like to truly love someone. I think then, and only then, would they really understand all of the above.

    1. Twilight says:

      Hello Jenna

      If mine knew and understood the depth of my emotions, my fear is they would consume him.

    2. jenna says:

      Hi jenna2 and twilight,

      I am jenna1, ie. the ‘jenna’ that twilight knows. Hi twilight💕

      Jenna2, you must be new here? If so, welcome and i assure you will find much healing here. When did you arrive?
      I wonder if anyone has written to you before thinking it is me.

      My views are different than yours. I was at your stage last year. Not anymore. I used to love him very much. After the discard, i realized he was pretending to have changed, ie. facade management. I was under the false impression that he was trying very hard to change and thus felt much sympathy for him. Well, at least i found out the truth. I didn’t go through much devaluation. He was mostly kind almost all the way to the end, and then bam! Ghosting… spectre!
      I wish you continued healing jenna2🌷

      Hg, how can we solve this issue of both of us having the same name? Do you think you can advise pple that the name is already taken, like they do in email, social media etc? I am sure jenna2 would want the knowledge that pple might be adressing her thinking it’s me. 😄

      Anyways jenna2, welcome! I would change my name but many pple who i regularly interact with are not on this page and would not recognize me later.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Trial by combat, winner takes the name they wish to use.

      2. jenna says:


        In that case, mr. Arrogant who probably likes a good fight, i will wait for jenna2’s reply and see what she may prefer.

        I hope you had a nice vacation. I assume you got alot of fuel, hopefully positive only. Pls say positive only you mean devil!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Who said I was on a vacation?

      3. Twilight says:

        Hi Jenna

        How are you?

      4. narc affair says:

        Hg we all know you were in lake winapasockie 😂🤣😂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Absolutely, hooking a largemouth bass.

          1. Twilight says:

            Caught that lunker to. 😉

      5. jenna says:

        Hi hg and twilight,


        LOL! Again you are correct. Silly me, i thought your absence was indicative of a vacation with an IP (intimate partner, not ip address) Ok, that was a bad joke!
        We assume alot of things don’t we? We are almost as bad as you guys, well not quite but almost😄

        Hi twilight,

        I am doing fairly well. I am out of the fog and am still in the middle of self realization. When we go through trauma, we change for the better – you, me, all of us! Our good traits become improved i think. When the narc goes through trauma, he chooses the easy way out – control, power etc. It leads him down a dark path, until it becomes engrained, experience after experience, wrong choice after wrong choice (not choosing empathy) and eventually he loses all of his soft feelings due to a less travelled neural pathway. Reference: brain neuroplasticity, free will, humanistic psychology.

      6. abrokenwing says:

        Here you go girls 🛡🗡🐎🛡🗡⛓⚒🐎Arm yourself.
        And may the WordPress grant victory to the side of justice through divine intervention.

  25. Challenge Fuel says:

    Hmmm…..choose just one. This was tough as it was a toss up between “realizing how much hurt he caused” vs. “how much I love him” vs. “what is his fault”. Based on how I am feeling RIGHT NOW I chose “how much hurt he has caused me” as I am still spitting nails from an email he sent me last week where he pretty much explained his never ending ratcheting guilt and shame over our affair, and how he constantly feels “triggered” by me every time I reach out, how he needs to go “no contact” with me (yes he used the term no contact which is the opposite of what he is doing as he fucking invited me to his show). Always mixed signals and contradictions.

    And finally I had to hear all the resentment he feels is because of ME. How I “taint” him because he is trying to be a “good person”. But how I should not take it personally. The email basically had a huge undertone of “it is all your fault” (without actually using those specific words).

    So yeah at this point in time if I had to pick one I would make him see how much hurt he has caused. Now you say to “see one thing with clarity and understanding”. Seeing it is one thing. Understanding it is another. But that is not enough. I want him to feel the pain he has caused me.

  26. RealitySetsIn says:

    My choice was that the narcissist could see how destructive his behavior is. I feel that if he could truly grasp the pain of another on different level then he currently does that could open the way to empathy which could then make him be able to see himself more clearly. I know however that this is all what we wish. So not expecting it to ever happen but it would be nice. Like on Liar Liar with Jim Carry….if I could have just one wish. I know I make reference to movies a lot but in the past while watching those movies like Groundhog Day or Scrooged….or Christmas Carol…everybody wants to see a miracle happen with the seemingly bad guy. I love movies like that by the way. Even as a child before I fell in love with a narcissist.

  27. Melinda says:

    I chose the ‘selfish answer. I wish for just one time he could stand in my shoes. FEEL the pain I felt and still feel periodically when my mind goes ‘back there’s to the beginning of the devaluation period. That period did not last long for me becuz I discarded him pronto. But FEEL something emotional. FEEL the pain inflicted. FEEL the damage to my being.

  28. Antifragile says:

    LOVE – that you ignited in every partner during life. And make you feel it absolutely identical to how they felt it.

    1. jo griffiths says:

      Antifragile. I have good reason to believe that is exactly what happens when we leave this world/reality.

  29. CC says:

    I think the narcissist knows or believes these things already. If I really wanted to narcissist to know anything it is that they could actually be so much happier if they changed their thinking. It is truly a shame that cognitive therapy does not work for them. The narcs in my life have a perpetual and deep dissatisfaction that cannot seem to be allayed.

  30. MB says:

    “How brilliant/wonderful they are without the false self”

    It’s not your false self that is brilliant & wonderful. It’s YOU!. Who else would it be? Nobody can take that away from you. Own it, make it yours. Don’t allow the false self to take credit for YOUR achievements.

  31. 12345 says:

    Narcissistic Amnesia aka lies. My favorite. The main narc in my life was a liar but he was very good at remembering the lies he had told and to whom he had told them to so he was consistent even though there was always proof.

    My mother, however, sucks at it. She will tell elaborate tails, usually involving money, and then retell them with completely different amounts. I’ll say “last time you told me about this you said it cost xyz” and she says “how can you expect me to remember at 70 years old or no, that’s not what I said or I don’t remember saying those exact words.” She loves money lies now because it involves our inheritance. Nothing like a big dose of fear and uncertainty to get the empath going.

    The biggest lie will undoubtedly be revealed at the reading of her will.

  32. Molly says:

    If time and energy needs not be wasted ..as you say. The narc in my life waste lots of time and energy thinking about things that turn into nervous , anxiety and causes more nervous energy around him. I believe the narcs are like robots for the growth of Industry and money they play this game cause they get what they want .. and then he needs to rest to refuel to make more money and play the sales man. It’s a mans world which he is geared , groomed to work in …then to keep his energy high to wake up ( be enticed ) to go out and do it each day. This is what keeps him going charged and wide eyed ready for the next criticism . Robot man who doesn’t know how to think any other way ….mommy made him a robot to work in this world and win..no tears or no feelings he obeys. She didn’t help him to laugh and enjoy his time here on earth. ( she may try by teaching how to play cards lol )

    She wanted him efficient and to not be a pee -on .

    When a narc woman makes a narc little boy …the little boy likes an empath women who isn’t at all like his mom their cold ass mothers . But empath women say things that trigger his memories

  33. Sophia says:

    I’d want him to see that he has narcissistic personality disorder. Every time I see him in what I read I wish he could see it too.

    I believe he sees a glimpse of everything on that list. As quickly as he sees it, he dismisses it. He’s an MMRN that lacks the gumption to truly do something about it.

    I almost laughed at the thought of his large stack of self help books. He’d cherry pick from each of them and spout of what he’d “learned.” It was evident that he didn’t truly grasp what he had read because he sure as hell was not living it.

    Looking back I think half the reason he had the books was to get pity and manipulate others into thinking he wanted to change. That should be a red flag now that I think of it….X amount of self help books equals one big red flag.

  34. Lori says:

    Both Narcs I have liked very very much. It is a flat out shame they destroy everything that loves and is good to them.

    It really is a tragedy. In a way it’s a blessing for them that they don’t know what they have missed or see how sad they appear once we have determined they are narcissists.

    It’s a sad sad place to be and existence and it’s just existence. So fearful that they are willing to give up joy connection and bonding in exchange for never feeling rejection.

    They don’t see what we see and that’s probably a good thing as they probably would literally disintegrated into the black hole. The old saying you don’t miss what you never had so therefore they think this existence they live is great and do not experience love and bonding as we do. We know how very sad it is but they do not know.

    They are definitely not in the its better to have loved and lost then never loved at all camp. Nope they can’t even fathom a concept like that

  35. /iroll says:

    Marsha Linehan is a borderliner who developed DBT, for eg.

  36. Kensey says:

    Any or all of those would just get my Ex Narc off!

  37. /iroll says:

    I think it would be a good idea for people with NPD and ASD, to recieve therapy from therapists with the condition as well. In fact, don’t bother with a therapist who has no sympathy for these conditions. So they may learn how to be themselves less destructively, because learning pro-social behaviour does not come from conformity but recognising multiple realities and dealing with core issues. Different internal experiences, however, need their own language of understanding, because boundaries around self concepts are very unique to the individual.

    What i think is key here though, is being able to see the difference between appreciation of the true self and the very impersonal social approval and power narcissists pursue, to make a shift in their internalised value system where there are more possibilities and methods to sustain the self. Become a better, cleaner manipulator as opposed to a destroyer. Some of you can provide the rational structures that more emotional types lack. Some of you need more help with depression and anger.

  38. K says:

    I voted: How destructive the narcissist’s behaviour is

  39. melrose8297 says:

    I chose how brilliant/wonderful they are without the false self because the many masks seem to be in the way of their reality….that they don’t have to lie about almost everything and can see that not everyone is out to get them or see them fail or hurt. Without the false self the narc can. See things more clearly that there’s no need for the over the top destructive behavior……just my opinion

  40. Insatiable Learner says:

    I was vacillating between “how destructive the narcissist’s behavior is” and “that the problems are the narcissist’s fault.” I went with the latter. However, the former would also work. The desire here is to have him see or confront his narcissism so he could get help, change, and heal. This would be my greatest wish for him. If it meant he could then be truly happy and build an authentic and functional life with someone else, so be it.

  41. narc affair says:

    It was hard to choose one but i went with for the narcissist to see how they are lovable without the false self. What i also wanted to choose would be that getting hurt is part of life as we victims know all too well.
    It all centers around a narcs defense mechanism which is maladaptive. The way they protect themselves is to encapsulate their past hurt and continue to hide it behind the false self. It festers. It needs to be faced and cleaned out so healing can begin. Part of facing it is getting therapies to relearn thought processes.
    When this is done i feel the process of self love will begin. Embracing themselves for who they were when they themselves were abused. Instead shame would be replaced with acceptance and the realisation they too were a product of abuse. Hopefully once they learned to love and accept themselves they could rely on themselves and build a new self.
    I dont think a narcissist would be 100% “cured” if you want to use that word but greatly improved in how they firstly treat themselves and then others as a reflection and i dont mean mirroring of that self love.
    Hopefully theyd be able to let go of or partially the defense mechanism of narcissism.
    I feel if a narcissist could let go of this defense mechanism it would alleviate the behaviour towards other people.
    You have to go to the core of the problem and that means facing the past and all the hurt and shame.
    That all said it depends on the individual bc some are born wired very wrong. Psychopaths, serial killers, sadists these types are imo too far gone and dangerous to society. They are like a wild animal and need to be away from people in prison or a mental institute. I feel these types are either too badly damaged mentally or were born evil in some cases.
    Many narcissists i feel can get therapy and make modifications to their behaviours based on new ways of thinking and healing by facing what they are running from. They are afraid of that core shame and self hatred. They are so incredubly afraid of being hurt. They need to face their fears and heal.

  42. Ugotit says:

    I put how wonderful they are without the false self but what more than anything I’d want them to know and see how wonderful love is that its worth the suffering that it ultimely trumps everything that love is the reason we are here and theirissing out but that wasn’t a choice

    1. Ugotit says:

      They’re missing out

  43. WiserNow says:

    “How destructive the narcissist’s behaviour is”

    I chose this option, and then I thought that adding the words ..”to other people”, to the end of that sentence, would make it more meaningful.

    Since a narcissist has no conscience and no empathy and is always on a mission to win, their behaviour is not that destructive to themselves. They actually gain a lot throughout their lives by being controlling and powerful. Their behaviour is destructive to themselves if they are exposed or abandoned to such a degree that their false construct crumbles irretrievably. They don’t feel shame, so being hated and despised actually gives them fuel. They can’t feel love, so being destructive within relationships is not a loss to them as it is to their victims.

    If I could go back and choose again, I think I’d choose:
    “How much the narcissist hurts/has hurt you”
    .. if the narcissist could see this with total clarity and understanding, they’d have empathy and they’d be able to feel the same way their victims feel.

  44. Freechild says:

    That the cost of him “winning” often means everybody loses, including him. Ultimately when getting what he wants results in me and his kids losing everything he is left with nothing either. We are left as empty shells that want nothing to do with him. He’s revealed as the empty, pathetic, disgusting, evil creature that he is and will eventually have no one but those as pathetic and blood thirsty as him.

  45. Batwings says:

    My narc is my mom, and thanks to your blog, I am finally on my way to enlightenment, but still far away from healing.

    If I had one wish, I would make her see how much I really love her.

    1. Carol M says:

      Yes, my dear, she probably knows but unfortunately is unable to recoprocate.

  46. Pam says:



    1. jenna says:

      Hi pam! 🙋How are you?

  47. Laura says:

    The most inhumane thing he does is to use our daughter in any way that suits him. She’s 7. This is the one area I wish I could force him to see the damage his behavior causes. I can strap on almost anyone’s point of view—this is the one thing I have yet to understand. It’s not human.

    1. Laura says:

      I think there’s another thing we wish you would see: our value.

      That’s initially what gets us into trouble with you. We likely wanted a parent’s approval, validation, and support so badly that it cripples us still. Rather than learning to relate to someone who sees our value—we’ve instead learned how to operate with someone who refuses to give it up. We are trying to get you to acknowledge our value all along.

      1. Carol M says:

        Of course they may recognise our value – this is why they prey on us.

      2. WiserNow says:


        I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you describe the behaviour of the empathic person here in your comment.

        Empathic people who get caught up in relationships with narcissists seem to be drawn to people who are not ‘real’ or consistent and trustworthy. These empaths will keep searching and hoping for approval, validation and support. Even when they experience the devaluations and abuse, they can’t detach from their abusers in favour of their own self-interest. They keep hoping the relationship will improve and that they’ll experience that elusive golden period. Until the cold hard truth and self-analysis occurs, their hope is alive.

        It is a strange attraction and quite frankly, defies all common sense, however, it happens.

        Since learning about narcissism and really doing some self-analysis about my own emotional reactions to certain situations, I now see it more clearly.

        This poll makes me realise that it doesn’t really matter what particular thing the narcissist “sees with total clarity and understanding”.

        What truly matters is that the empathic person sees with total clarity and understanding that they will NEVER have their empathic, conscientious qualities consistently and genuinely reciprocated by the narcissist.

      3. Kensey says:

        Yes. It’s like something I read..
        She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world
        And I destroyed her.

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