A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 9
Disappointed in your fury. All the words in between your introduction right down to the end, all coming to a head in just your last sentence.
I overstand. I really do. I too am disappointed that through all this you weren’t able to allow for the truth of what was manifesting between us. You claim to have done this before. You claim that I am yet just another in your cycle, no different then the last. Knowing ahead of time that you will end it for us yet again in having to hurt. Me. But you hurt yourself in the process too. Never forget that. Only because you try so hard to resist.
Mirroring each other, yes we were. I knew that from the second that I met you. The whole package I was for you, you told me. Male version of myself was my reply. None of that a mirage. None of that a construct.
Haven’t you always been told that you are different? So have I. Haven’t you always been told that you are a little weird? So have I. Haven’t you always been told that you are unique? So have I. Haven’t you noticed that the day to day mundane entanglements with regular mortals is just too infuriating to swallow? So have I.
Until I met you.
Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I’m a witch as you say. But I am a believer in love. And yes, I do allow my vulnerabilities to glow. I welcomed that delicious mind blowing feeling when you melted chest to chest with me, and I could feel your essence releasing itself. The release of what you guarded so tightly inside. I felt your pain. I felt your angst. I felt your desire. I felt your struggle. I felt your bewilderment at almost losing control. I felt it all. Was it my feelings I was feeling I had asked myself so many times? Very overwhelming. But I endured it, and I oh so wanted for it to happen again. And it did. Because I felt your love too. Swallow. Sometimes we didn’t even have to touch, and it still happened. Too many times to deny it’s existence.
Scary shit.
Yes they were my feelings too. And you drew them out of me. Or maybe, I drew them out of you.
You want my mind, body and soul, fuck that! You told me.
I am your mind, body, and soul. Was my reply.
You can’t trust love. Neither can I.
But with you I had thought that maybe I could learn to.
Keep writing. Keep writing.
And I will too.
We are getting somewhere.
I think.
Yours,
Like. The Flu.
45 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 9”
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Hi Narc Angel, I have not read that one no, but I will look into it if you believe it would be beneficial to do so. Sorry there was no reply link to your comment, so adding here.
Some of us victims had to learn and study the Narcissist. To think like him, to be like him, in order to make him pay. ONE thing we all know they used us and took our rights away with the lies. By the time we realized something is so fucked up here, it was too late. They mentally mind raped us, brain washed us and got into our spiritual being. AS many Narcs.do not have a spiritual bone in their body. Maybe because they are none human. They use US humans as their addiction drug. WE are a drug to them. So with all this information and HG Tudor teaching for us, we have to be careful not to get sucked in to this dark evilness of seeing the world in this manor. Spiritual Warrior of slaying the Narcissist
HG, in your observations, have you noticed whether or not ppl who aren’t narcissists gravitate to the same machinations as the narcissists? Perhaps ppl with schizoid disorders, or borderline personalities? If so, which other personality-types avoid accountability/closeness utilizing techniques like “deny, deflect, project”, word salad, silent treatments?
My expertise is narcissism, Observant, I do however see significant similarities between the way that borderline personalities behave and narcissists.
Your writings and advice on dealing with the machinations are apt (whether from a narcissist or anyone). Reading your work keeps the machinations top-of-mind, spotting these techniques is getting easier, and responding appropriately (if at all) is getting easier. Thank you.
deny its existence (no apostrophe with ‘its’ as a possessive pronoun)
I enjoyed your letter.
Thank you Eloise.
That was interesting Debra; thanks for sharing – I’m not certain that I agree with your opinion about what exactly the writer of the letter believed about her narc. But your take was still interesting to read.
This line struck me:
“He did not love my mother either she’s just the one who got away, the one who stopped loving him.”
Thank you.
Wow! Because no wise-words would do the justice anyway! It must have been a very enjoyable reader (or vic-tim)!
This is beautiful.. I love how you have described feeling what he felt, or believeing so, you articulated this so well.. thank you for sharing x
Something that I have also second guessed were the real core feelings that I didnt feel we’re mine.. I know as empaths we pick up easily on others emotions, but I have always been able to limit this to strong emotions, ie I don’t have the sensitivity that picks up all the emotions of people in a crowd.
I know this sounds silly but I was wondering if anyone else felt like a bond or core connection to their narcissist? I have never thought myself to be a spiritual person before now, but my experience with him has lead me to question so many things.
There were a few occasions when I felt the deepest sadness, ( nothing had happened to warrant this in my own life) and I was thinking about him all day/ literally. This was at a point where I was trying to stay away and had not made contact for two or so weeks. I gave in and made contact to check in with him and He advised that something big had happened that day which would Collerate with why he would feel a deep sadness / loss. Was this just a coincidence?
A week or so post disengagement there was another day that will forever stick in my mind. I was on a training course and through the whole day I felt all I can describe as a void in my core, it felt like I was physically missing this area, a void/ open space is the only way I can describe it.. again I was thinking of him all day, deep sadness. I could not relate this feeling to being my own. I had never felt it before, if it was my own sadnesss or heartache I would know, i know how that feels, this was not mine…
I was so close to making contact to check he was ok, I composed an email and deleted it like 5 times. I ended up doing a balance sheet on the decision to contact or not. I chose not to but it took a lot of strength from my rational mind to do so… that feeling was physically painful, I still cared for him, that does not seem to Be something I can simply remove from my heart.
Has anyone else experienced this…. rationality made me question the feasibility of this, and everything I thought I knew about myself.
If anyone else has felt this bond / cord it might make me feel a little bit less bat shit crazy ! Lol x
Hi Quasi,
Your comment drew my attention, as I have also felt something similar to what you describe.
“Was this just a coincidence?” No, if you ask me. There are none, coincidence is a synonym for synchronicity in my dictionary. This comes from the fact that people tend to think their lives are ruled by coincidences, but if we really think again on it – everything that happens to us is an expression of our thoughts and desires. However well hidden (and often from ourselves) they are. It could also be described as the subconscious mind leading us into experiences, which are meant to uncover our life’s potential.
“I felt all I can describe as a void in my core, it felt like I was physically missing this area, a void/ open space is the only way I can describe it..”
Not to get into too many details, but it could be that the Narcissist felt anger/resentment towards you, and you accepted your blame for it on some level. If I may suggest, next time, when this feeling arrives, you could try and go, “I forgive you”, and see if this lifts the feeling up from your chest. Please keep in mind that if you apply that method in honesty with yourself, the effect will be more potent and lasting (I mean, don’t just tell yourself – do it, and move on from any past experience with this person – close the past and that’s it – I believe HG and K will have some resources on this!)
If you wanted to run this in the opposite way, for love (which I differentiate from “falling in love”, which is felt “one storey” below the core) I see it this way: empaths feel a hot charcoal burning in their chest. What happens when it is lost and the discard phase comes? The charcoal may become very heavy. I’d advise forgiveness as well to lift it up.
“I could not relate this feeling to being my own.” – very good! Now you know you have the power in you to drop it!
“rationality made me question the feasibility of this, and everything I thought I knew about myself.” – Rationality could help you make a decision to act or not on your feeling. The feeling however is a separate unfolding, but you can handle it as an empath – try to quiet it down maybe, tell yourself that the feeling itself is nothing wrong (it was your natural response to something you had in yourself) – it is the way you act on it, or not, which is important to your well-being.
All in my own opinion, based on experience and lecture. I hope you can make any use of it.
SN thank you, I really appreciate your advise, are you referring to the chakras ? In levels ?
I’m quite new to the blog and have only really spoken of my story on the recent ensnarment poll. I cared for him deeply but not in a sense of “in love”, I put him in my heart as a friend ( I am married) and made very bad decisions in the short time period I knew the narcissist.
I did go through a process of pretty accurate self reflection and have taken responsibility for my part in this experience. I veiw this as important in acceptance and moving on. I’m sure he was angry and upset with me because I was not reacting to him deleting me from his life, as I was just a shelf ipss it was merely an unfriend from Facebook and done. He didn’t block me, but I have since blocked him.
I have not felt that void since I have completed a lot of this work to process this.
To forgive myself for betraying my husband Is another matter, which I’m not sure I will ever accomplish. I probably shouldn’t either.
Quasi, yes, chakras is one way of looking at it. Another is – if you think about the narcissist where do you feel tense/ excited at the thought of them?
If it is butterflies in your stomach, then we are at the level 1.
If the thought is heart-warming, level 2.
If you only think about the person, level 3.
Yet another way? What do you want from this person?
1. Sex and cuddling
2. Their presence and happiness
3. Whatever, ask narcissists (like HG) – this is his chakra of expertise.
More or less. I hope you feel better soon!
Hi SN, replying to this one again as the new comment does not have the reply tab….
thank you so much for explaining this to me, it is very kind of you.
It is as l level 3 – thinking of him often and more intensely on those days noted, when I believed that I was feelings his emotions/ feelings also.
I guess I wanted his presence, I wanted to know that he was ok, I was concerned that he was in pain and I continued to care for him. However on the day in which I felt the void/ very physical pain, I chose not to contact him, and went against my innate thoughts of concern for him. In the knowledge that if I emailed him he would not see the content of the email, the concern or care I had for him, but more so the fact that I made contact, he would likely only see this and that he had control of me again. Sad but the way of things as they are.
Thank you again SN, I really appreciate the time you have taken to explain this concept to me. X
Hi Quasi,
You are welcome. I think what you described (I am sorry, I am not a native English speaker so I can’t express myself as beautifully as yourself) may be true from the perspective of a narcissist. So I choose to adapt my own perspective (while keeping in mind that others can have different views). There are narcissists I remain in contact with (work, long-time friends/ frenemies) but I am not the kind of person who invests their whole self into another. However, if I knew that any of the narcs in my life needed my support, I’d lend it, in a manner, which I myself would deem accurate.
They may see me as their tool. So be it. I can’t force their views of me on them. The only thing I can do is try to help a person I care for and not expect any rewards for it – and my help usually comes in the form of words, I am not known to offer services for the sake of offering them.
So I think it is up to you – if the contact feels too much for you and it makes you sad, then do what feels best, such as refrain from it and move on from that person.
I am currently going through a narcissistic divorce (where the n is not willing to go with my wish for it), and you know what? It’s alright – the conversations we have nowadays may be called useless but I do understand what is happening in his head from the psychological viewpoint, and I accept it and forgive constantly. Otherwise, it would just be a waste of myself (caring about the slurs etc. So I am OK with this.
I hope you feel better soon as well!
I send you my love, I hope it helps at least a bit (it’s empathic).
“If you wanted to run this in the opposite way, for love (which I differentiate from “falling in love”, which is felt “one storey” below the core) I see it this way: empaths feel a hot charcoal burning in their chest. What happens when it is lost and the discard phase comes? The charcoal may become very heavy. I’d advise forgiveness as well to lift it up.”
Yes. I just wrote a poem about this. Heavy, a secret that was never mine. I am tired of that heavy. Tired of this bond. Tired of the trauma of it. Tired of never knowing what is ever real. So tired. I once was jolted profoundly by something. Ithappened when he and I were heavily in the dynamic. He told me that day he had gotten a bad electrical shock. I asked him what time. He wouldn’t reply. I swear, I had felt it.
I feel that old tiredness creeping back in. He can’t be sending out energy to me again, is he? Is this just the trauma bond? Is this just my still working it out? Is this some personal sickness I have that I feel these strange things and attribute them to him? Is this him? It started 2 days ago. Not felt this for 3 years. And I heard a song today, and a few of the words were “I forgive you.” And I thought of him I forgive you. And then I felt better, but I can’t forgive him. If I do, it puts me at risk and that seems so twisted and backwards.
SN, I beg to differ, I think that you write beautifully.
I completely understand what you mean, and that is why it was a particularly difficult decision for me not to reach out to him. I cared deeply for him, I felt if he is in this pain then I have to let him know I’m there for him.
On the first occasion that I felt this energy link ( mid point of my experience with him), I did make contact and I met up with him, I made bad decisions in direct contact with him, this was the start of my upgrade from A NIPSS to a IPSS… so this was the start of a snowball, my care for him and my want to make him feel better, help with his pain directly linked to the start of a dark path away from myself.
So reaching out to him was very much utilised by him to his benefit, and he never allowed me to just care for him as a friend because this is not what he wanted from me.
Saying that I will always remember very specific moments where he seemed to show me the briefest of a glimpse to the core “ true self”, those moments affected me and reinforced my care for him. They make me want to check on his welfare.
They did not present in the same manner as his pity plays , I learnt how they looked, I also felt the emotional difference between the two states, of fake and what would seem to be real.
On one occasion he spoke of his father who from his descriptions would present as a narcissist, and certainly the abuser in his childhood. He stated “ I just want him to accept me, I want him to tell me I’m good enough, I want him to be proud of me”. It was seconds and then a shutter came down again.. but for those seconds I felt such a magnitude of high emotion and pain from him.
Another occasion was similar in this sort of shutter open close type feel, I was leaving the room, leaving him, he knew he had hurt me deeply, he knew I was not coming back to him. He said with a depth of sadness that I have never heard before, “ I’m just so angry all the time, why am I so angry, why can’t I feel different, why am I so angry”. Again very different feel and emotion to the pity play with which I could tell were a surface affair, as I felt no attributing emotions from him, they were numb, because it was fake.
I don’t know if he ever showed this crack in the facade to anyone else, I imagine he did, it must be exhausting to live with that level of anger everyday.
These moments are the ones that have kept my care for him if I’m honest. I have often contemplated contacting him, but I have had to remind myself that in my situation I can’t be selfish anymore and only think of he and I, I have already risked everything that is important to me for this person, to be a friend to him that he never wanted.
I have made some very bad decisions in this experience and they are evidenced as the ones in which I chose to express my care for him, to soothe and comfort him, those are the moments when I put him before my family. Those are the moments I can’t take back, they are the moments that I can only learn from now.
I still wonder about unblocking him as his birthday is the end of the month, I wonder about messaging to say happy birthday, to tell him that from my perspective we are at peace and I have no ill feeling for him. We live in the same town and it would be nice to think that we could bump into each other and share a kind word and move on, but this is probably just my magical thinking.
I don’t pity him because that is belittling, i can only say I think I understand and accept him for who he is. But I don’t believe HE understands or accepts who he is..
Thank you SN, I have really valued hearing your perspective, I am a great believer in looking at a situation from different angles of perception. And I like your perspective, it depicts a person that is brave enough to give time and care in full appreciation of not receiving anything in return. It shows an ability to choose to give to others without being attached to the outcome of that giving. That to me is representative of a very strong authentic empath…
For me I try to be that person with all other areas of my life, however I don’t think I can afford the real life costs of doing that for the narcissist that put me in his world… I can’t afford to go back there again. X
Ps – apologies I have just clocked the epic length of this … thank you for reading if you got this far x
Quadi
Have you read the article Bringing Down the Shutters?
Hi Quasi!
Thank you for the „letter” – I like reading so much, and I like your style. So please, see a few of my thoughts now (and that you are not the only “mad-clocker” here!)
What drew my attention in your comment is that you mention going from NIPS to IPSS, and this, my friend may be precisely why you don’t feel at ease with keeping the contact. Let me explain using my own past experience with this transition.
It was dark. I felt love and all the other necessary emotions and feelings, but I couldn’t say I felt unrestrained in such a situation. It did get me into a depressed state, due to several reasons: uncertainty of what that person really thought and wanted from me (now I know – their own business), guilt towards the IPPS (although I did stress the fact that what is between the couple is none of my business, just theirs – it was for him not to push any blame for his own choices on me) etc. That’s not important – but it looked to any observer (not necessarily sharp) that the relationship was of no use to anybody. I was younger and more stupid than now, if that is still even possible;), but I have no regrets whatsoever, and I maintain good relations. A lot depends on the circumstance too.
So now I know – I don’t need this anymore (meaning IPSS to somebody who already has their IPPS, unless that’s their mutual agreement – but still, too much effort probably and would have to be really special to me – which is my way of saying I don’t know the future, but thanks;).
One more thing which interested me in your comment was the energy link you felt. I have been experiencing it in a very similar way. However, I’d suggest that the core of the person is their subconscious mind rather than what they will share in 3D using words, body language (if we don’t trust each other our communication is also affected by the fact).
Also, I hope you don’t take offense, and most of all I thank you for the compliments – however, being empathic I felt they came from a place, where you don’t believe you could be like that yourself. And the very doubt just tells me that you have all the resources within yourself. It’s usually practice and strong-will, which let it happen – just reading on it or admiring it in others is a much longer way to achieve it.
Also, what you hate in others you really hate in yourself (usually in another form). It is the same with traits you admire and like – they are there for you to be found within yourself.
Coming back to the energy link – I have been experiencing this for some time. And I felt it first in my belly, which made me deploy all my spiritual/woo-woo practices and strong-will to raise it up to the next level, where it is not so chaotic. I can’t explain to you here in 3 words how this is done (generally like mercury in a thermometer, or pumping up water levels – I know, sounds crazy…) because our good host HG needs to proofread what I am blubbing here, and I know he is a hard-working and nice man, so I will let him off now!
I hope you write more Quasi, I was really interested in your comments. And will get back with more thoughts if they come up. All the best! xx
Ah! I have quotes – maybe they can convey more.
There is always some truth behind “just kidding”, knowledge behind “I don’t know”, emotion behind “I don’t care”, pain behind “it’s OK”.
When ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind, beautiful.
I hope you can get to this place in your heart whenever you feel like it! (Me and other readers as well, of course)
SN, you have pretty much hit the nail on the proverbial head…
I can’t be in contact with him, because my boundaries were utterly obliterated by him. They were clearly not very good in the first place. We had completely different intentions for each other.
You are also correct in your analysis of how I see your authentic empathy, and that my experiences have caused me to question if I can be truly empathic – how can I betray someone I love in a moment, not even consider them in the thought processes of that moment. How can I be an empath and have the ability to do that.
I have taken no offence from your comments, I have taken insight and I appreciate your perspective.
It’s odd that you have spoken of the traits and – what we hate in others, or I would say how we judge others – usually correlate to a trait in ourselves that we don’t like / have repressed.
I was advised that the dark trait of infidelity was in me it just took a Narcissist to bring it to the surface, mainly Due to having no boundaries. This concept reminded me of Carl jung’s Theory of the archetypes and the theory of the shadow self – which is exactly that. The traits/ parts of us that we repress because we don’t like them or affiliate with them in the person we want to be and present to the world.
I observed that I was judging narcissistic traits in friends, lots of selfies, changes of profile pic weekly. I stopped and took stock and thought this is a narcissistic trait of mine that I repressed when I was bullied, I didn’t like how I looked, I was not approved of by my peers, so I didn’t value the confidence liking my appearance brought me. That changed last year. I have now changed my fb profile pic to one in which I think I look good and not a group shot that I merge into, and I don’t judge friends anymore, it doesn’t uneven pop in as a thought.
I’m not sure I can re-integrate the shadow as described by jung, but I’m acknowledging and accepting the dark traits that I am discovering in myself …
I don’t intend to utilise my infidelity trait again, but it’s important for me to recognise it and incorporate it it so I can control it, rather then it poping up unexpected and unchecked as it does when in the shadow.
Re -energy link, do you think the link I felt is linked to his true / core self as the subconscious?
I have really enjoyed discussing this with you SN, thank you so very much. X
Quasi,
I had a thought about what you wrote: “In the knowledge that if I emailed him he would not see the content of the email, the concern or care I had for him, but more so the fact that I made contact, he would likely only see this and that he had control of me again.”
If the contact feels uncomfortable for you (which tells me it could come from a place of expectation), then go NC and just think/ feel at them what you would like to say.
Let me give you an example from a restaurant. An attractive, slender woman comes in and is served by a waitress who has an abundance of herself on her, but has a pretty face. If you notice their despair and saddened look, you could go, in your mind, “I am a beautiful woman!” (so she also can receive the message for herself). If you notice that is not enough, think “I am a beautiful woman and various types of men like various types of women, and vice versa. All good here.”
In 100% cases I tried something along those lines, I received smiles. And this is what I want to see most on people!
SN, you have a beautiful soul… thank you for your advise and kindness. I have very much enjoyed our dialogue. Xx
Quasi
I have many times felt similar things to what you described. For me it makes no difference whether the person is a narc or not. Certainly for my long term narcs (40+years), I have often felt at a distance what to me seems like a draining of their energy. But I feel this with non-narcs too. Sometimes noticible bad things were going on with them, but usually they were just worn out or stressed in some way.
In my experience, when I checked to ask whether something was wrong, narcs will almost always answer affirmatively and tell me something that had them stressed, while non-narcs will often deny there is anything wrong – even if I can see visible signs of fatigue and worry. My take on this is that a narc will never pass up the opportunity to gather fuel from a sympathetic source, while non-narcs often try to hide their problems to appear stronger.
But as to the existence of a mental bond with people, I have no doubt personally that it is possible. I believe that our thoughts are a type of energy that we are inadvertently broadcasting all the time. Some people are more sensitive to this energy and become highly attuned to the people they interact with. Physical distance doesn’t seem to be a factor.
Now as for the bat-shit crazy part – I can’t help you there. I have heard that often said about myself! 😝
Thank you windstorm, Its good to hear that others have felt this link of sorts. I think I have resigned myself to being bat shit crazy and accepting that…
Quasi
Me too! Works for me! 😜
I have felt that. I considered it very deep grief and the strength of the trauma bond. Sometimes it would feel like he was reaching an invisible hand into me and wrenching my heart. It felt empty and black and physically hurt right into the core of me. And usually I would start to spin and want to reach out. He never replied so I don’t know if those moments correlated with anything in his life. But I did feel what you describe.
I did then and still do feel like he was my reflected twin. Maybe just because he mirrored me so well. But he didn’t just copy me. It was like we were similar yet opposite. Complements of each other. And even childhood things and writings from before I met him resonated. It wasn’t all faked, there was definitely some legit personality/interest meshing. But it was still toxic AF.
I still feel bonded to him even though we haven’t talked in months. Even talking to new people I find myself thinking about him. Thankfully the new guy understands and said he is willing to go slow. Although the little voice in the back of my brain is scared that he just wants someone bound to him like that.
Hi echo, thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it.
I know exactly what you mean. I also think its called a “trauma bond”, where you feel so deeply, irrationally connected to someone who has abused you, or harmed you. From a psychological standpoint, it can at least be partially explained by experiments that show that animals who receive intermittent reinforcement (sometime the rat gets the yummy food, sometimes the rat gets the nasty electric shock) will keep going back and pulling that lever. Also, dogs who receive a mixture of positive and negative interactions with their humans appear to be more attached than dogs who only get positive strokes. I have had many relationships, and the strongest bonds I feel are for the two people who treated me the worst. I am working on trying to figure this out, why must I be this way? I am sure it has something to do with the childhood experience, and the pattern that my dysfunctional parents set before me. Love hurts – that was the lesson I learned as a child. Sadly, as an adult I couldn’t even see that I was repeating this pattern until it was too late.
It’s sad to think that I am still pining away for someone who threatened to kill me, and threatened our children. For someone who refused to give up his business class seat for me on a transatlantic flight when I had a broken ankle and had to sit in coach. It’s sad that I would waste so much love and mental energy on someone who will never be what I need him to be. It’s sad but true. I hope that trauma bonds can be healed. I hope that one day (soon!) I will look back at this attraction, this obsession, and I will see it for what it is. Whatever that may truly be.
Mary, I can’t even contemplate what you have been through. You sound like an amazing phenomenal woman. Thank you for sharing.
Intermittent reinforcement was definitely in use, and I did feel an irrational connection to him.
The more stories I read from the amazing people on this blog ,the more I can see how insignificant my experience was. I’m pretty sure that my advise / support is not really needed here. But I thank you all so much for your support and for being so kind to me. It has meant a great deal to me . Take care everyone… xx
Yes. 100% yes. I have felt nothing but anger this past year. And 2 days ago, it started to shift. Hard. And I heard him whispering my name. I feel him pulling on me. And its so much like the push/pull we were in but then, I thought he cared for me. So I don’t know if I am making this up, if its real, or what. It hurts to never know if this is the pure narc dance, or if he really is sending energy to me right now (and stull the narc dance). It hurts because it feels so real and spiritual and it is what, all in my head?? The telepathy was all my imagination? 🙁
Sarabella, thank you for sharing this. The energy feeling appears to be very strong for you, and I’m sure this is directly linked to the length of time you were in a relationship with him and the intensity of the bond/ emeshment.
I guess the main question here is even if he is sending you energy it is probably hard to decipher what the intent is behind it. Although it is unlikely to be with good intent under the surface even if he views you as “white/ good” again.
If we are honest the intent would be to suit his needs and not yours, your needs would not be recognised, the hurt would not be recognised and he would not care that you have felt that anger and pain for so long.. only in the way that he is so significant to have caused such an impact on you – increasing his sense of omnipotence And superiority.
The only person who it has been effected is you lovely lady. Another question is – for you and your life right now , is it ever worth extending the dance with the narc by reaching out to him again, as you feel this energy? My thoughts would be no, putting yourself in that pain again will never be worth the false relationship that he would bring back to you.
A lot of narcissists live with anger and envy which can be all consuming, a high percentage of them would not have the cognitive ability or insight to recognise that there are other options to process this, they may also feel that the pain in addressing it would be too great to endure.
You do have that ability and power to really process your anger and pain… this can cause a little more hurt in the short term but it will also release you from a longer term confinement to this feeling.
I can only advise on what I know and, have used myself or have observed to be successful for others. And please know that this advise comes from a place of respect and good intent for you as I would dearly like to hear that you are feeling able to let some of the pain and anger go.
I utilised resources in learning self validation, I started a gratitude journal to shift the internal perspective of the day to day ordinary life view to positive. Giving thanks for the ordinary helps to step away from the intrigue of the drama that a life with a narcissist can bring, the ordinary is real —— the drama is fake, like a play , and we were puppets in it. Remembering that we were tools for the narcissist is important, a view could be that we were caught in the cross fire in the war that they have with themselves, it literally had nothing to do with us at all. Although clearly from their perspective we are to blame…
The last thing I would advise to look into, easily accessible on you tube and google is DBT ( dialectical behaviour therapy) distress tolerance skills. There are many skills within this module, the one that I feel would be most relevant for you is radical acceptance- it is not about approving of or being ok with what he put you through, in no way. Radical acceptance is focused on you, your needs your well being, it is accepting what has been wholeheartedly, with a view that you can release it and move forward. Because at this time anything you need to do should be for you, you are important and you can do this…
All the best sarabella, im adding this link again because I love it and I feel it is relevant for you also…. x
https://youtu.be/qviM_GnJbOM
Hi Quasi,
Some great points. The situation with him wasn’t long, but very, very intense. But first happened when I was 14 and fell instantly in lovr with him. Then a 30 year gap. So it was core level intense. I am not at all contemplating reaching out to him but I don’t understand this sudden energy and where it is coming from. And because it is so sudden, I don’t even know if its real. Maybe it’s not from him at all. Maybe a bit of the addiction is rearing up.
I remember once ages ago when he was in that “just forget about me and let me go mode and move on with your life” discard that I said, “I will but you need to stop thinking about me too. I can feel you. You need to stop thinking of me, and let me go. Please let ME go.” He never denied nor confirmed he was. And the dance continued in its way though greatly shifted.
I agree about the drama. One thing that helped me to break away 13 months ago was really thinking about life, what it means, and how I want to live it. And it wasn’t in that high key. This wasn’t what I wanted and I knew it could never change.
I feel somewhat sliding back but only a bit. So much of what got me to where I am was in fact accepting what had happened. So I will check out that link you sent as some part of the acceptance part feels like it is slipping.
Maybe it’s also because I am contemplating deleting 2 posts I left over a year ago. Very much against him, smears and attacks, and in response to his lies and smear of me to a few friends. I feel like they are keeping me weighted still to him, but if I delete them, then it feels like I am accepting what he did, too. Does that make sense? Accepting and taking down something that helped me to build a wall and turn off the energy. And this may also be why I feel confused again. The presence of the posts helped me to put up a barrier, but now they feel a residual tie but if I delete them, will that change my resolve?
I know this doesn’t make sense. And whether he whispered my name the other day or I fabricated it it still doesn’t matter. No good will come of it and him, and that is that. Even his apology for what he did 35 years ago was always for his benefit. It wasn’t for me. I remember, as he proceeded to treat me badly again, even as he told me he deserved forgiveness because of what he did back then as a young boy, I angrily told him that he should have just gone to a priest with his confession of knowing he had hurt me back then and ask the prest for forgiveness, not me. Because if his apology wasn’t coming with love and kindness for me in his heart (as he was treating me) but more hurt, then it wasn’t an apology for me. He wasn’t really trying to repair the damage he had done the first time. And in the end, yes, it was all about the running dialogue in his head. After everything that then went on, he always used that, going back to it, telling me he only just wanted to alologize, not get into a relationship with me. Great. The future faking was fake. But he used that so many times. 🙁 It felt entirely to suit his needs as you so perfectly said. Because he certainly turned around and hurt me far worse than the first time because he did so knowing he had already hurt me and was layering on more and did so willingly. He even knew he had hurt me again. He wasn’t really sorry for what he had done if he was willing to do it again.
I just need some insight… do I delete those posts, and what do they mean that they stay there if I don’t, and how will it help me to move on by deleting them? It may cause some relapsing like now, but I need to know it’s temporary and maybe thinking about deleting them is why I think he is sending me energy. Although, it’s complicated further. I felt him, heard him. Then a day later, I really started to think about taking them down. But it is as if…. as if doing so was sending back some energetic agreement and ok to him. And that has me really quite confused. Is this even real and does it evrn matter?!? Because I don’t want to go back to any of it. I honestly don’t. I guess I still need to accept some parts of what happened.
Do I delete them HG? If you knew someone had left something public that called you out as a sociopath and con (and I don’t know if he does know they are there, I did it for me) , would you take it as some shift? Can I just delete them and not have it increase any risk of anything? I know negative words can just be fuel for you, but they publically called him a narc and fraud and totally outed him. But now I am afraid they might be in that category of hanging on to “things”. Even if they did expose him a year ago.
Ugh.
Beautifully, vividly written.
I could nearly hear the writer’s voice in my head.
Women just don’t get it. They want so bad to believe the Narcissist really loved them. The Narcissist felt nothing, you were one of many. He told every woman the same thing he told you. It was not scary for him, it was a game to him.
My father was diagnosed ASPD my mother was his first wife and the one who got away. This inflicted injury big time so yes he thought about her, but his love was so damaging he abused her. So he married a second time a woman he had on the side while still married to my mother, he never loved this woman they divorced. He marries a third time, now this third wife he marries and divorced 3 times. Then his last and forth wife they divorced and he spent the rest of his life breaking up and getting back together. He went to my mother when he was dying and she took care of him until he passed. Did he love anyone hell no. He did not even love his own children. Do you think a man who is not capable of loving his own children can love you.
My father told me before his death that my mother was his only true wife and the rest were no more than concubines. He did not love my mother either she’s just the one who got away, the one who stopped loving him.
Reading this particular comment of yours is so appreciated, Debra. I escaped a narcissist who wanted to marry me, and he has always professed this “You are my one true love/only girl for me” declaration — expressed it not only to me, but he’s said it to his family and closest friends… who have all felt it their duty to tell me (major punch in the heart and gut)…it produces great guilt in me. He’s Hoovered me through the years, even three days after finally getting married to someone else (saying he made a mistake/asking me if we can get back together/that was the absolute worst!!)… and now he’s gotten divorced, thinking we now have a chance. The amount of guilt I have felt over all this is impossible to explain, but suffice it to say that I feel boxed in by this false belief that he thinks he loves me – and sometimes I’m so sick to my stomach that I can’t eat. So reading this comment is good for me.
Even when you know they are a narcissist… them putting the “I truly loved this one person only” on an empath is EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I have to fix this. Worse is that he believes this… and I really think he does.
I’m not even close to getting over my guilt… but I’m a step closer to dealing with it, after reading this.
Thank you, Debra.
Caroline it is not your fault. They do idealize in the beginning and the rest of the relationship is devaluation then idealize again. It is a cycle of pushing you away then pulling you back. Years of the cycle will wreck a person. Living with them, they have Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personalities. There is no room for anyone else in their world. You are there for one reason only, that is to provide fuel to the narcissist. They say the same things to each woman. You are my one and only, I have never loved anyone like this before even if this is their third or fourth marriage.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. None of this is your fault. I’m glad to hear you did not marry him. Protect yourself, and work in your own healing.
Best wishes on your healing journey.
Debra
Thank you, Debra Sutton! I got teary just reading: “Caroline, it is not your fault.” I think I need to keep coming back to read this comment.
I am SO grateful that I never married him. I was only 19 (at the start of FR/I was in college/he’s significantly older).
I logically know I have no reason to feel guilty, but it’s my Achilles Heel — think it was even before him. I have good level of confidence/am a very joyful person~but guilt still trips me up sometimes. I have an idea as to why… so that needs my attention.
Much obliged, Miss Debra. XO.
You are so welcome Caroline. You are on your way to healing.
Debra
Why do you think that your mother cared for him when he returned and until he passed if she stopped loving him?
He was the father of 8 of her children. I know for a fact she was no longer in love with him, but she knew him from the age of 13 and they shared children. I think she felt some type of bond with him. She was a kind caring person. Her thinking was not right either though she thought if she gave unconditional love to the worst of the worst that her love would change them. She was wrong her love did not change Narcissistic abusive men.
Debra
Ah. Thank you for responding.
You are welcome NarcAngel.
8? Wow
Feels familiar.