Trapped : The Car
We need to control everything around us. This must be done so we can gain fuel. This must be done because our natural paranoia causes us to need to exert our will on those around us, before they can do so to us and undoubtedly with catastrophic consequences. Only by exerting control can we be sure and satisfied that the order of things will be as we require it to be. We hate to be subject to the control of others. That reminds us of matters which are best left alone.
This need and desire for control causes us to adjust our manipulations so that we can engineer situations where we can achieve total control. Total control arises when we have you trapped.
This concept of trapping you works on several levels. The widest level is within the confines of the Narcissistic Relationship. This is why we regard your entanglement with us as being permanent. We chose you and now you belong to us. You have no say in this of course, why would you when you are not of our calibre? The idea of trapping you continues in terms of the Formal Relationship. This is why we move swiftly to proclaim you as our boyfriend, fiancee, partner, wife and so forth. The application of this labelling is more than just a convenient way of referring to you. We trap you during seduction with the illusion that we create. We trap you during devaluation through the application of our machinations to ensure that you remain stuck and confused. We place traps all around you so they snap close and hold you tight. We get you pregnant, we isolate you from your friends, we make you give up your job so you become financially dependent on us (although we will naturally complain about you leeching off us later on), we stop you seeing your family, we smear people to you and you to them so you are cut adrift from your support networks. On and on it goes the placing and laying of these traps at varying levels so you remain trapped.
This trapping continues within the various stages of the narcissistic cycle. Most often this manifests when we are devaluing you. In keeping with the need to have total control, we want to engineer situations where you are under our control, unable to escape us and thus we can exact our machinations against you and extract what we want from you. To do this, we create Situational Traps and there are many of them which I shall detail to you over the course of various articles, but we shall begin with a Situational Trap which is a favourite of ours; the car.
We will naturally be at the wheel after all the car is ours (whether it might be in your name is irrelevant) and so we have to be the one driving. We choose where we are going, the speed at which we go, the controls of the car are under our charge. You are sat besides us, seatbelt on, buckled in to your seat as the world flashes by. You cannot escape us. You cannot jump from the car. You might unclip your seatbelt and climb into the back of the vehicle, if you are nimble enough, although we will stop you from trying to do that. You are in the hotseat, right next to us and we know it.
You may we well cuffed to a chair in some dingy basement, with a single bright light shining in your face for the interrogation and treatment will be of a similar nature. The journey may have begun pleasantly enough but if this is a trip which is taking place during the devaluation period, all it takes is for your to blunder in to criticising us and then our fury ignites and the nastiness commences. With you trapped we know that we have you all to ourselves. There is nowhere for you to go. With a Mid-Ranger or a Greater, you will be lured into the vehicle purely for the purposes of us being to rely on the Situational Trap. The behaviour which has offended us may have taken place earlier, in some instances days earlier and with plotting mind firing away, we avail ourselves of the opportunity to coerce you to go on a journey with us. It will undoubtedly be under some false pretence; a picnic, a drive to the coast, a trip to the shopping mall. Once you are in, the seat belt is on and the central locking clicks, then you are our prisoner. The smile we wore fades in an instant and the fury which we have kept under control is now allowed to the surface. This enables us to draw fuel form your reactions, your pleading, your questioning, your puzzled expression, the fright in your eyes and such like. We may well have placed your bag in the boot which contains your ‘phone so you cannot call anybody. If you try to reach for your ‘phone, it will be snatched from you and thrown to one side, quite possibly from the moving vehicle as we ensure that you are isolated and trapped.
You cannot go anywhere. There is nobody to ask for help. You cannot move out of this confined space. Thus we have placed you in this Situation Trap which is allowing us to exert complete and utter control over you, enabling us to do as we please, for howsoever long we choose and accordingly, such total control is very much an outcome that we aim for.
When we have you to ourselves in this manner, so begins the unpleasant treatment which is all designed to ensure you remain subjected to our power and for you to give us fuel. There are many different ways we exert this when we have you trapped in the passenger seat besides us and these are some of those ways:-
- Driving at an excessive speed and/or recklessly;
- Slamming the breaks on causing you to jolt forward, then accelerating, then braking hard again, catapulting you back and forth;
- Braking hard when you are about to take a drink so it spills;
- Turning up the music extremely loud;
- Cross-examining you relentlessly about something you have done or not done;
- Administering a silent treatment;
- Telling you at the outset of the journey that we are going somewhere and then driving in a different direction or past the destination and refusing to explain where we are going;
- Assaulting you physically as we drive;
- Driving at night in an unlit area and switching the lights on and off;
- Swerving violently over the road, overtaking at dangerous places;
- Repeatedly insulting you;
- Shouting at you;
- Poking you as we question you.
- Driving into the middle of nowhere in silence, save for a baleful glare that we keep giving you;
- Threatening to drive us both off a cliff and heading towards such an area;
- Threatening to throw you from the car whilst it is moving;
- Circular conversations;
- Lengthy monologues about ourselves which have you bored to tears.
The effect of this behaviour will vary in intensity. Sometimes it is purely to frustrate you because we have not gone to the place that was promised. On other occasions it is to allow us to talk at you and question you so you are made to feel bored or uncomfortable. Then again, the nastiness and intimidation is increased whereby the intention is to terrify you and have you scared witless.
Having behaved in this manner and left you terrified, shaking and scared, we may well purposefully drive into an area where the traffic is slower and there are other cars around to test you to see if you try to escape us or attract attention from somebody else. We will be waiting for you to test our control and if you do, there will be further repercussions.
Repeated applications of this behaviour will eventually condition you to the point that you dread being told that
“We are going for a drive.”
Since you have come to know only too well that it is far more than just going for a drive. It is placing you in a cell right next to us, a cell from which you are unable to move or escape and thus we can apply our twisted machinations against you all in the name of fuel and further control.
You are trapped and it is to drive you insane.
20 thoughts on “Trapped : The Car”
Will you ever let her drive your car with you in the passenger seat?
I always drive.
The answer I expected, but I could see allowing her (or others) to drive your superior automobile as an act of largesse or to make them envious. I guess that’s taking it too far! Don’t mess with the Mercedes. Ha Ha
#5, 11 and 12. After reading this, I now know it was intentional. I realize after reading this he had planned it for days. Maybe even weeks.
I had been distancing myself from him to make my final escape at the time. He whined and whined, called, texted until I gave in and went on the trip–my new car, him driving. I was terrified. I had never seen his rage before. That was the first time and the last.
How dare I . . . .
OMG!! I’ve experienced many scary car situations. The more I voiced that I was scared, the more he used it – I only see it now in retrospect. When I said I wanted to get out of the car, he’d pull over like a maniac and said he’d just leave me there in the middle of nowhere. And road rage. I was genuinely afraid a few times. So it was all done to control me???
I have had some scary car rides. My ex-husband and I were both 21 when we started dating. I had just got my first car – and I loved it. We may or may not have been engaged yet, but we were young and he was driving us in my car through the city, on our way to a stadium for a rock concert. It was a nice day, we had the windows down..
Anyway, I don’t remember why, but he was yelling at me so loudly and awfully that people walking by on the sidewalk were looking at us.
He peeled into the parking lot where we were meeting the people he knew. He pointed out to me a large guy and I was told that the week before, that guy had broken another guy’s jaw with one punch. (I have no idea what I was doing by being there. I didn’t want to be.)
The big guy was the only one who seemed to notice how my ex was driving my car, how he parked it, yelled at me while he got out, slammed my door shut and walked away from me as I sat alone in my car. When I got out, the big guy talked to me and my ex eventually came over to me. The guy walked away, but then came back and sucker-punched my ex in the jaw.(??)
My ex then walked away backwards, holding his hands up by the side of his face, telling the guy he didn’t want any trouble. Guess what I did? Physically put myself between them, begging the guy to not hurt him because I love him. The big guy was yelling at my ex, telling him repeatedly to get his girl (me) out of the way, that it was between them, and he didn’t want me to get hurt. My ex just kept walking backwards. The guy got impatient / annoyed, put his hands on my shoulders and moved me aside – where there were a lot of full garbage bags and I fell.
I got back up, we got in my car (him driving) and now he was totally quiet as we left (before seeing whatever concert that he had wanted to go to).
The big guy did have the last word – when he said something like my ex wasn’t a man because he let another guy put his girl in the trash. I don’t really remember. It seemed like there were terrible people all around us who wanted to see a fight. This was terrifying and humiliating.
I have a lot of awful memories.
God bless that stranger. (God as I understand him.) Most people look away. I dont adhere to violence of any kind, however, Kate . . . the stranger was a man. The narc showing his cowardice and true colors, which inevitably they do. So glad your here to tell me about it. Tx.
Thank you so much!!
I would like to pay you a compliment and ask you a question..
Your writing is so helpful to me. I have many memories of many people that intersect and overlap over the course of my lifetime – my way of thinking and living has made it impossible to imagine your ways (and those like you). So, thank you. I still have more work to be done.
My question regards the above incident that I recounted. All day yesterday, I wondered if my ex set me up that day years ago. How likely do you think it is that he and the other guy were set for an altercation and I fulfilled my ex’s pre-conceived role that he had for me (to save his ass from being beat)?
Oh yes…I used to call it his “beatdowns” he would want to go for walks and I would have to stop midway and go back home. Eventually I stopped going. In the car? Oh yes…those long trips taking out kids to college. I learned to quickly jump in the backseat and say my car sickness is here again! Sorry, can’t talk or listen to you. I need to try and sleep! He would get so pissed off. That was my go to plan that worked like a charm
Ive never had any of this happen to me but i watched a series on stalking and many of these women were either trapped in a vehicle with the psychopath, chased by a vehicle or stalked by a psychopath in a vehicle.
Most started off dream relationships but ended and their ex couldnt handle it and ended up stalking. Very terrifying behaviour and even moreso behind the wheel. When fury takes over narcissists lose any rational thought.
Yes, this stalking in the car is scary as hell. My first “love” was like this. ended up being a fucking nightmare. I was 16 and he was 23. We dated a year and a half, and just knew we were going to get married. He was “the one.” I knew him through family. He was known to have a serious temper, but with me he was a sweet puppy dog. His parents even said he had completely changed his attitude about life because we were together, that he was so much happier and nice to everyone. Then added “just don’t hurt him.” I assured them I wouldn’t, but he got so possessive, threatened to blow any guys head off if they talked to me, he put his fist through a windshield on prom night because I had gone to the bathroom and taken a while (it takes time to pull up a floofy dress), and he was convinced I was with some other guy. I didn’t know it, but even before things went to hell, he would sit in his car outside my part-time job and the school, and just watched.
Nothing bad happened when I was in the car. But I used to be so excited and happy to see his bright red mustang. He was my world. But, after we broke up (he called me a whore for not answering my home phone, because I was watching Doc Hollywood on video with my Dad), he harassed everyone in my life. He said they would have to pay for what I did to him. He would say shit like “No one could ever love you like I loved you. If I can’t have you, no one will.” It was a textbook horror story. This went on for a solid year after we broke up. I came home from college the summer after my freshman year, and if he passed me in the car, he turned around and drove behind me on my tail. A girlfriend and I saw him in the mall, and he cornered us and screamed at me until security made him leave.
That red mustang pulling into the driveway used to light up my day. I got to a point of being horrified every time I saw it, or saw one similar to it. He stalked my mom and grandmother too! He drove by my grandma when she was walking, and screamed at her. Mom and I went to the Magistrate so many times to ask for a restraining order. It finally happened, and when it did he finally left us alone. But, not before filing a Small Claims lawsuit against me for his class ring that I lost. The judge dismissed it because he had GIVEN me that ring to wear, and losing it isn’t stealing.
This is way longer than I intended (happens a lot), but I prob need therapy to grieve everything that happened. I’ve had problems with depression ever since. This happened in 1994. I never realized how abusive it was until I typed it all out. My guess is that he was a lesser narc. Not cerebral, but not sure if he was somatic either. We did not have sex because he didn’t want to risk jail. We had a very sexually charged relationship though. He spent a lot of time at the gym. Years later, a mutual acquaintance told me that my ex is a known steroid user.
I always assumed he was faithful, but since he accused me of cheating repeatedly, maybe it was projection. There’s no reason to think he was cheating though.
Kudos to you. You were so young . . . first love. I totally get it. And kudos for having the tenacity to go to the Magistrate and getting the Order. If enough women contact the Magistrate, he’ll end up in jail where he belongs. In the USA there’s a saying, “Sixteen will get you 20.” It means you were jailbait. He took advantage if your naivete and being underage.
I think some like jail. Three squares and a cot. And Bubba to stick it up their ass. Thats what he deserves, in my opinion.
Hi mary.. that is scary and im so glad you came out of it ok physically. You could have ptsd as a result. My mother in law had a stalker very similiar who was an ex and to this day she still gets triggered and has flashbacks. They are lesser narcissists bc they lack control and are knee jerk and impulsive in their actions. Their anger clouds their judgement and rationality which makes them so dangerous.
Meaghan and Narc Affair, thank you.
Narc Affair, I definitely think there is some PTSD from this experience as well as other trauma since. I think everyone in here can prob relate to having multiple traumas, some from our family of origin, and definitely from our intimate narc relationships. This stalking ordeal scared the hell out of me for sure. I’m sorry that your mother-in-law still gets triggered, and hope she is able to find closure/help so she is no longer haunted by flashbacks.
Meaghan, I do wonder how many women he has stalked. I think in general he goes for women of legal age, but maybe he sensed that I had such a crush on him, and most women his own age do not give him the time of day because of glaring red flags that I didn’t understand as red flags at the time. When a girl is in high school and most boys her age don’t pay her attention, and someone comes along who treats her like a lady and professes love, who even cries at the idea of ever losing her, it’s very easy to be swept away.
I have experienced the car torture (perpetrator: Dad)
Good Day Mr. Tudor, Have you wrote anything of how Narcissists Groom their victims? If so, where can I find your teachings on this subject? If not this would be a very interesting ere sickly article to write. Grooming has showed me the ways of Hitler, Charlie Manson, Heavens gates, Jim Jones and the many others of how trust and manipulation abuse happens. Thank you kindly SW~
This brings back gut wrenching terror.
Shit. All of it I experienced. It happened outside the car too.
Wtf was I thinking? If I was a normal, functioning person, I would have walked away after a week.
But I did not then. Instead, that week became 5 years. Hell, I was even convinced God said I’d marry him. He proposed even. I had some serious dillusional thoughts.
Thanks, HG, I’m a little wiser because of you.
Don’t blame yourself. We’ve been tricked, conned and brain washed by these creatures.