Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

11 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. Anm says:

    Melinda, what town in AZ are you from?

  2. Kate says:

    I have never had a Restraining Order even though my life has been threatened by more than one person.

    Right before my ex-husband moved to a neighboring state, he called me on the phone and told me that when I left my house (where our son lived with me), that he would slash my tires and then my throat.

    I went to my local police (who are located five minutes away) and told them that I was scared because my son’s father was threatening to kill me and I needed their help.

    I filled out a Police Report and included dates, times, places, words said, where he lives and works, his car and license plate and an unflattering picture of him! I accepted the Officer’s offer to call my ex. The Officer told him that making Terroristic Threats is a jailable offense and that if anything happened to me, they would assume that he was the responsible party…

    My ex-husband left me alone and moved to a neighboring state, but we were out of contact for awhile and I didn’t know that he had even moved.

  3. Em says:

    I didn’t follow through on my restraining order threat for fear of it being turned on me. More attention, more fuel, more opportunity for him to show off, more opportunity for him to show his superiority by charming the law, twisting the story, shifting the blame and escaping Scott free.

  4. eVic says:

    There is no point in getting a Restraining Order, Protection Order or Apprehended Violence Order, whatever one wants to call it in various jurisdictions. If the narcissist decides to use other pseudonyms to harrass, stalk, threaten or intimidate you and you or he is out of the country in any of those occasions, there is no case. One cannot prove the disturbance with fake or pen names (that only you the victim are familiar with) was done by said Narc. It just increases the drama he creates and gives him Thought Fuel knowing he got to you anyway regardless of a piece of legal paper that he always said does nothing, least of all exact his compliance. He has said he is above the law and he has been to several types of prison cells and lock-ups and not afraid of any institution – some of them are hotels for such low-lives like these who are useless leeches on normal society. So really, what is the point of spending precious time, sanity, resources and efforts of everyone trying to fight him off with a piece of paper. It prevents nothing. And it lasts 3 years at best so you have to keep applying for one and refreshing that old drama and wounds.

  5. Spiritual Warrior says:

    Hi Everyone, If anyone has any questions on Restraining orders, I have been involved in one. I live in CA. All states are different, but the steps of a Restraining Order. I was on the other side as, the Narcissist was trying to get a restraining order on me. He had 3 lawyers after me, then he tried to take me to court 2 times. I did not get myself a lawyer. He boldly lied in his statement. He was older then I. He has a prestigious position in life of being a President of an Aerospace company and a millionaire. The issue was, he was getting outed on several Cheating Sites and if you google his name, these sites came out. I showed what I did in the beginning, but he still had contact with me for a year, when he said he did not. AS he was love bombing me. I signed an out of court Stipulation the first time, as I had no clue of my rights. The second time, him and his girlfriend were getting outed by women. So they came after me to serve me at my work. I had a lot of evidence showing, how he abused women. His girlfriends relationship with me. His relationship with me and how the manipulated and abused me as a toy to play with. I did hire a lawyer. Well, the day came to go in front of the Judge. IF you do NOT know this, you can Google your Judge too of your case. MINE OMG she was having a smear chapinage done to her on the internet. We are allowed to ask for a change of Judges too. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. My Narcissist was a public person. There was a lot of evidence that anyone could of done this, beside I. So at the court house. His lawyer offered to settle out of court. I said NO Not unless him and his girlfriend is to stay away from me. So my lawyer came up with a mutual Stay Away agreement. Also, there are issues of IF you both are at the same place of a restaurant or concert so on. How do you know what to do there. That happened once. I showed him my receipt that I was there first and he had to leave. HE did NOT so I sent my Lawyer a e-mail. Since then one thing happened. There is a Article someone wrote I read long ago.AS if a Narcissist has a Restraining Order on a victim, IT is like having a Troppy. So many Layers to this…The Best to you all SW

  6. Julie says:

    Oh you lil devil HG.. glad you brought this up! I never had an official “restraining order” per sae but I work law enforcement and the ex greater narc was told to stop contacting me in any way shape or form and when I asked them to tell him to stop driving by my house constantly they refused to tell him to do so. It got so bad that I would draw the blinds and felt like a prisoner in my own home. He also would drive by and run plates of cars that were in my driveway which is TOTALLY illegal and a violation of all lein policies. He shouldnt have a job and should be in jail for that alone! It became so intolerable I sold my house and moved! But I was painted the asshole because I had started dating another guy that I didnt know had a felony (turned out to be a lesser narc) . Restraining orders are nothing more than a piece if paper in my opinion. If I went and got a restraining order I felt I ran the risk of losing my job of 15yrs. I made the complaint to mgt and he pulled a switcheroo and I came out looking like a crazy bitch. You cant win. Especially with a greater!

    1. Melinda says:

      I was living in the State of Arizona. It is very easy to get a RO. And it’s free and one doesn’t need to hire an attorney. The Judge took my word as I was sworn under oath. The Judge found me in his opinion credible. I was kept imprisoned by ex and raped, with no DNA, the forces that be deemed me credible. Thank God for them hearing the truth in my statement.

      t’s a tad humbling. Ego and pride were injured, in my case, but pride is the opposite of humility and I was at a very low point in my life.

      I wanted to try to embarrass him so I had it served where he works vs where he lives. In Arizona if I walk into a place he is, he has to leave.

      But it is just a piece of paper. I did it for the following reasons in order of importance to me.

      1. To have it on record of his behavior. I hope when he does this to his next victim, she has the wherewithal to report him.
      2. We live in a small town and the police now (low crime, not a lot for the police to do–traffic violations mostly so they were open to trying to drive the bottom feeder out of town
      3. NC knows I mean NC

      He parked in front of my house for several minutes after being served in defiance.

      Nc since

  7. Em says:

    Thanks HG – so true

  8. T says:

    I never got an order because I knew it wouldn’t work and it would’ve caused more drama.
    Plus he always thought of himself above the law.

    1. Melinda says:

      T, your so correct as I think all schools think they are above the the law because my ex SOB, too, is highly intelligent so he’s smarter, along with being a pathological liar, a sneak, manipulative con man, knows the law, etc. . . and those words dont begin to describe him . . . fake, self-absorbed, evil . . . he wouldnt know the truth if it slapped him in the face.

      1. Melinda says:

        P.S. He never contested the the Order because he is a COWARD, first and foremost.

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