A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 34

Dear N..k,
If you are reading this, you know that I am gone.  This letter is somewhat special in the fact that as of this moment, I haven’t left you yet.  I am still stuck in the prison of my life living with you.  You see, I’ve been planning this escape for some time.   As you watched me drive away (notice I did not look back), I did have a few parting words that I wanted to say to you now.  Because I’m gone.  You will never have another chance at me.  You see, I have been grieving your death for a long time now.  As I drove away, it made it official.  You are dead to me.
I remember when we first met.  I was not looking for a relationship.  In fact I was quite down, going through my divorce.  I never expected to catch your attention.  You must have seen an easy target, I was in such a state of despair.  I thought you were most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.  I felt the chemistry immediately and after feeling dead for so many years, I suddenly felt alive again.  Those first 6 months were amazing.  I was caught hook, line and sinker.  Little did I know what that actually meant.
Here we are, almost 5 years later.  I have been living with you for almost two years now.  What a colossal mistake that has turned out to be.  Living in your house with your rules.  There is no where I can go on your property where I feel free anymore.
I was confused at how you started treating me.  I felt great one moment, and then I’d feel confused the next.  I didn’t understand your behavior, I didn’t understand your cruel, hurtful words.  You’d think that I would of got the hint to run then, but no, I stayed.  I couldn’t of left if I wanted to.  I remember thinking that I was addicted to you.  And addicted is exactly what I was.
I have allowed you exploit me financially, I have allowed you to cheat on me, I have allowed you to give me STDs, I have allowed you to verbally abuse me, I have allowed you to manipulate me.  I have allowed you to use me, I allowed you to blame me for every bad thing that was happening in your life.
What did I do?  How did I handle this situation?  I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings and my hurts, my frustrations.  Rather than leave, I tried harder to please you.  I tried to make it all better.  I tried to make you see that I loved you and was doing all I could to make you happy.  I was doing and doing and doing, for YOU.  I received scraps in return, that’s not being reciprocal in a relationship, that’s being lazy.  Still I gave.  Every sip I took, helped me to cope a little bit more so I could hang in there a little bit longer. Then one day, through my fog I realized the alcohol was getting me in an even deeper hole and that I had a choice to make.  And make one I did because I decided then that my desire to be free was greater than any sip of alcohol I took and my freedom was worth more than you.
I am sober now, have been for a long time.  My eyes are open, I am now facing every shitty thing you have done.  No more excuses, no more of your lying bullshit.  Because now, that God I worshipped, looks like a pathetic specimen of a nothing.  Pretty on the outside, but very ugly on the inside.
Your selfishness, your self satisfying ideals, your sense of entitlement, your belief that you are superior to everyone is sick. Your days when you feel like the victim, that I am responsible for everything you perceive as an insult by anyone, is so pathetic.  Inside, you’re as evil as they come.
You see, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let people down, I’ve made bad choices.  But I feel remorse, guilt, shame and disappointment.  You aren’t capable of feeling any of those things.  It’s really quite sad.
You think that others revere you.  But really, they just laugh at you behind your back.  When you are being boastful, you look really stupid. I am embarrassed for you.
Lets talk about your female friends. The ones you say aren’t your exes because they were never your girlfriends?  You contact them, they contact you.  You flirt with them.  You don’t tell me any of these things are going on.  But that’s not cheating right?  Me finding a female contraceptive wrapper in your house was someone planting it right?  That female never came over right?  You would tell these “friends” that you were using me for my money, or that I was only living with you because I couldn’t afford an apartment.  That’s quite contradictory isn’t it?  When I would confront you, you would say you didn’t do anything.  No you didn’t send that naked selfie either did you?
Funny funny shit right there.  You think I am dumb.  That I have not caught on.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are the stupid one in this duo.  You are the idiot.  Why, because I’m free mother fucker.  While you, you get to continue living as a soul sucking wraith, continually looking for victims.  You tried real hard to suck the life out of me, but I have proved to be a worthy opponent, haven’t I? You must be the confused one now when you are giving me the silent treatment and I just carry on as if you aren’t even there?  When you hurl those insults now, I just agree with you.  Isn’t it better that we finally have your “friends” out in the open? Since they are your friends, I am still waiting for the day we can invite them over for dinner, because that’s what people do with friends.  We spend time with them.  Are you getting upset when I tell you that I can’t lend you any money and no, I can’t pay that bill?  How much longer are you going to hang in there?
The love I felt for you is long gone.  It evaporated in a puff of smoke.  You can’t love a lie, you can’t love someone that isn’t real.
If you’ve even made it this far in the letter I’d be extremely surprised, because I know you’re texting others, looking for your next target or possibly an old one.  Poor things, I feel sorry for them and can only hope that they look past your dazzling looks and see through you.  Because you’re hollow and if you’re hollow, you’re nothing……
Good riddance,
Still Standing

7 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 34

  1. Penelope says:

    You have written too many similarities to my story . . . I’ve not written mine . . . Yours is close enough . . . I am a free bird now also. I don’t look back. The future is so much brighter. I feel I paid the price. Thank you, Still Standing.

  2. Charla says:

    My heart goes out to you all who have survived this most soul sucking experience. I really began to heal when realizing: 1. He had not pulled the wool over my eyes,I had seen and heard only what I wanted to see and hear, ignored the rest. 2. Started asking and getting help with a very deep inquiry into, “What was going on with me that I was in this relationship?” 3. Came to a place of understanding that I had not been a victim but a participant in a very evil plot to destroy me. 4. In short I took the focus off him and onto myself. 5. I healed, slowly, step by step. Yes, sometimes crawling. But “he” no longer had my attention. I seldom thought of him. 6. As twisted as this may sound I am forever indebted to him, my association with him lead to the core of my abuse as a child and the untangling and healing of deep deep wounds. 7. I understand that, in relationship with him I was as sick as he is. I had survived, he has not. 8. Perhaps the Narciccist will shudder at this but I pray for him and all who have buried under layers and layers of defense mechanisms a small vulnerable innocent loving child. Although I would never attempt to help one so steeped in anger, vengeance, and having a very sick warped way of dealing with their own pain. They are perhaps beyond human help but not divine help. So I’ll leave this helping to One equipped to overthrow it. That wouldn’t be me. There is a point beyond which pain and suffering cannot go.

  3. Josephini Garage says:

    Mine couldn’t have possibly made it through to even paragraph 3. He has the attention span of a housefly. But, I much appreciate your writing as I love to write, myself.

  4. Lisa says:

    I like this SS. You sound much stronger now. I wish you well.

  5. Sanna paterson says:

    When you were overwriting , twisting the truth of something I remembered in detail and very well. When I stopped remonstrating and stared at you. That wasn’t a show. That was me seeing the black creature. The claws. The malice. My softness dropped away and I stared at this liar contorting before me, trying to twist my recollection. My truth staring at your lies . And you were scared weren’t you. You left your full pint and you ran. I walked home across the city on my own.

  6. Omj says:

    Beautiful thank you!! I am sober too – and I too in the middle of this relationship saw myself slowing sliding into death and my brain escaping me and stopped.

    Your letter really goes to all the steps and stages of a relationship with a narc – not really wanting it to start with and slowly getting into insanity.

    Really wish you the best.

  7. Jess says:

    I enjoy the “I allowed…” section of this letter, amongst other things. It reflects strength and gives the victim’s sense of power back. Owning responsibility is something the narcissist is unable to do and allows the victim some form of closure. Their own closure is all they are going to get.

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