I remember when we first met. You were a scruffy 11 year old on the school bus, I was 14 and selling candy for the band. You wanted me to give you candy for free. I remember seeing into your soul and thinking how much we were alike. Both from dysfunctional families, both children of narcs, both desperately needy for someone to love us.
I remember how horrible your home life was. How needy all your brothers and sisters looked and acted. How your worn out mother had a string of loser husbands, how the last one locked himself in the bathroom with a gun threatening to kill himself if she wouldn’t take him back. I remember offering your mother to let you live with me and her giving me custody of you when I was only 18 and single, so you could have some stability in your life.
I remember how completely impractical and silly you were, how we all laughed at your questions and observations. I remember thinking how you and reality didn’t know each other, how stupid you were but thought you were so smart. Like when you gave me a pot plant for my birthday, thinking I would raise it for you in ignorance, then your complete shock when I knew what it was. I remember how sad it made me when I realized you were a narcissist and there was nothing I could do but watch you use people and lie.
I remember how horrified I was when I heard how you had abandoned your two little girls in a commune in Wisconsin. How the only way their father found them was because the 8 year old knew his number and called him. I remember how pathetically eager they were to come with me for weeks at a time, how sweet and strong they both were, how eager for knowledge and opportunities to learn.
I remember my shock when your now grown girls explained to me why you hated me and refused to see me, because you resented that I had done so much for them over the years and that they loved me more than they loved you. I remember how sad it made me feel to hear that they had cut you out of their lives and how they were determined to never marry or have children of their own because of your example.
I remember the last time I saw you, just a couple years ago. How we met for coffee at a Bosnian restaurant and you told me all about your life now and tried to make it sound good. How as you told me what all you were doing, I sat there looking at you thinking how everything you ever did was really just selfishly using the few people in your life who cared about you. How we all saw you for what you really are and put up with you as a charity, but you were totally unaware of what we think. How you still lived in a pretend world of your imagination like you did when you were that 11 year old girl I met all those years ago. I remember seeing into your soul and thinking how much we are so different.
With love always,