Do you remember when you were at school and your friends all appeared to know something that you did not? They gave each other knowing looks, made sideways references to “this thing” and smiled and giggled. Unsettling wasn’t it? You asked them to tell you, you pleaded and you may even have become upset or angry, threatening your friends with some repercussion if they did not tell you what it was that they knew. Usually it was nothing. Just a device devised to play a game with you, to provoke a reaction, to cause you to react and it worked. Then you were in on the secret and you could join in and play it against the next unsuspecting individual. Nevertheless, you did not like that sensation of not knowing did you? Few people do. How many times when someone has gone missing, have anguished people declared,

“It’s the not knowing which really gets to you.”

The apprehension you experience when you wait to receive your examination results. You know you studied hard during the year, carried out the revision in the right way and you felt the examination went well, but you can never be sure can you, it is the lack of knowing which gnaws away at you until you receive the result.

Waiting for some test results concerning your health causes anxiety and concern. Even if it is bad news, once you have those results you can then take action, make plans and formulate a way forward but whilst you do not know, you are stuck, paralysed and frozen. It is an unpleasant sensation at best and an utterly debilitating one at worst.

You do not like secrets. We thrive on them.

So much of what we are is a secret. We are like a series of chests, compartments and vaults in which various secrets have been placed. Some have been placed there with the intention of never being revealed, either to you or even to ourselves. Others are those secrets about what we really are or what we actually do and we close the lid, slam the door shut and turn the key in the hope that you do not find them out and expose us for what we truly are. We do not want you to find out that the honey-coated façade is just that as you open a dark box and find the full horror of our true behaviour lurking inside. The past behaviours and historic actions are consigned into the depths of archive storage to prevent you from knowing what we really did to our ex-partner, what was said to our brother that has meant we have not spoken in ten years or the catalogue of infidelities that we engaged in. If you were ever allowed admission to those dark corridors you would pass the vaults, chests and caskets into which the secrets of our kind have been placed. Wife-beater, alcoholic, smack head, fraudster, closet homosexual, expenses fiddler, serial cheater, elder abuser, fence, conman, contemptor of court, distant parent, liar, convict, tax fraud, cross-dresser, sexual degenerate and so much more besides. Many secrets, some which you may eventually look upon, so many you may never know about. So many secrets hidden away, pushed into the recesses, concealed and secreted so that prying eyes do not learn the truth of what we say and do.

Yet, our secrecy goes further than that. We delight in letting you know that we have some kind of secret in order to exert control over you. We revel in giving you a glimpse of something but then pulling it from view. We engage in half-comments, low whispers and veiled comments in order to pique your interest but then we relish withholding the full tale. We take pleasure in these insignificant mysteries that cause you to question and probe. After all, we do know how you behaved when you were so much younger and how the sensation of not being able to know troubles you. It troubles you and your kind more than others. Like the older boy at school, we have snatched your lunch money and now hold it above your head, almost in reach as you hop and jump, frustration increasing as you attempt to recover it. You want to get hold of what it is that we know so you can satisfy your own need to know. We recognise this and therefore engage in the playing of games where we suggest, hint, partially reveal and allude to so that your interest is gained. We tease as we make oblique references to something in the expectation that you will bite. We will sit staring into space, cultivating the appearance of depth and intrigue as you observe us and wonder what we are thinking about. You will of course ask and we will give you some cryptic response which as you pondering and probing further. Whatever we told you is nothing to do with what we were actually thinking about. We may have been admiring the view from the window, we might have been wondering how the match would turn out and most likely we were considering which of the growing stable of prospects to message next. Instead we will trot out some comment or line which gives the appearance of us being pre-occupied with some weighty matter, something possibly beyond the wit of you, something which makes us appear mysterious and heavyweight. The intrigue adds to the allure but it also plays to your desire to need. The keeping back of information, the withholding of knowledge, the cloak and dagger routine is all part of the act. The true secrets will never be revealed to you. The secret we allude to is non-existent. It is just a device to control you. It is a means of keeping you bound to us, asking, wondering and probing. The half-answers and titbits are there to confuse, bewilder and cause your anxiety. The mysterious murmurs, the ponderous gaze and the comments to ourselves which you can only partially hear are mere ruses. They are to give us the appearance of depth when it is lacking. The creation of so many apparent secrets is to keep you away from the real secrets by leading you in a different direction and to make us appear deep and of substance. We look to snatch your consideration and scrutiny and make it belong to us instead.

The playing of secrecy continues after the cessation of our formal relationship. Always when you have been discarded and often even when you escape, how many times are your night bedfellows not some other person but the ghosting questions of how, what, why, when and where? You are given no answers as to what has happened and this is when the secrecy takes on the greatest significance as we have entered you into the maze where you try to find a way through it in order to understand how we could have done what we did, what on earth happened to you, why did we do those things, when will we come back and where did it all go wrong? We condition you throughout your dance with us to be intrigued by us, to wonder, to speculate, to pontificate and so forth so that it builds and builds until when we cast you to one side you can do nothing but keep wanting to learn our secrets, to open those doors, to slide back the bolts and open the portals, to raise the lids and lift the covers. This keeps you coming back to us, it keeps you hanging on in the hope that one day there will be a momentous reveal and it will all make sense. You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.

It is  no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.

4 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. Spiritual Warrior says:

    Empress1 YOU GO GIRL……Praise that your SuperNova came out, HOW FUCK DARE THEY take the good we gave them and disrespect Us and all we did and were to them. IT sickens me That they GROOM US and earn our trust like a Pedophiles. It feels great for a moment to fuck with them and bring Justice and Karma their way. BUT REMEMBER. they will some how get out of it and move on and we are waiting for them to fall and NOT Be able to get back up, BUT they do and the good feeling of hurting them back does NOT last AS what we need to do is HEAL and HELP OTHERS. someday long term karma will come to them WE just have to be okay of not knowing when or how and have faith in cause and affect. Spiritual or NOT it is the law of the Universe, Good always out ways Evil. Why because we have have a foundation of what life means. Narcissist are working at a lower frequency of life, WE the Spiritual Warriors live life at a higher frequency. They are missing that part that is NOT in them, that is way they are like an empty soul. They have to learn to act like a human being. Watching others to mimic how to be and act.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Spiritual Warrior
      If you dont mind me asking, how long have you been out of the narc relationship? And did you escape or were you disengaged?

      1. Spiritual Warrior says:

        Hi NarcAngel, The last time I saw him was in court last April 2017. Him and GF were trying to get a restraining order against me of putting a post up on a cheating site. Which I did not, as I had never did any post on the internet of him on OUTING cheating sites. Other women of his did and a woman who wrote a sex book on their time together. I last had anything with him the end of 2013. I found out on the internet of a Review on Trip advise of him and gf staying at a hotel in France. Then I looked her up on FB. HE just got back from a business trip to China. Texting photos plans to meet when he got back. BUT he came home acting strange. So I googled him He is all over google of his Company and president (and this is where I do not understand how a narc. would be so messy and careless of his harem of women of finding out of his secret life ) AS I WAS looking at her facebook, and timeline and the lies he was telling me when he was away alone so on AND she was with him. AT THIS TIME of looking She the GF was down loading her China photos with him…OMG I went and threw up my guts….So I was the other woman. I confronted him, he gave me bullshit lies I wanted to believe. BUT I end things. He was love bombing me. So I went to therapy for a year a mess not healing C-ptsd couldn’t sleep, crying spells my mind was trying to figure out the WHY and the WHERE did I not see he was a good manipulator I was good of no contact then there was contact. I had a closure lunch with him. ALL about him. Then I started googling questions of WHY NO closure…Then I found stuff on Narcissist. Anyways, I contacted his GF Feb. 2014. I found out he did this before. We talked once, text and fb. Then she went mean on me. I WAS NOTHING a booty call. So then I thought. IF he did this to me…WHO Else??? So where I met him on a dating site, I posted his photo and descriptions NO real 411. So in 3 months 22 women wrote me. Then I contacted the GF. SHE the GF at the time was having a bad time with him. SO as I found out later ( she was using me to vent, get my 411 that I had on him and stab me in the back ) I thought I was to help her, I met her twice. I met one other of his women who I am still friends with. I head from the women who wrote the book AND to this day he has been outed on the internet and GF as SHE IS HIS protector and she has split personality or a narc. herself. He has been outed over 20 times and there is permanent things on line. This past year, He got let go or down size at his company. There was a sexual abuse case against him. Once a month I check the internet of him being outed…Women were tying to do a case again him. The women who wrote the book was trying to have it go to Gloria Allred. My healing for my situation has been very good. I do not feel him. BUT I know there is supernatural things out there, of some of these Narc. AS when I went to court. WE as GF him and I have a OUT of court mutual stay away agreement. Which our lawyers came up with. I had too much evidence showing my relationships with them and the GF facebook messages to me of her outing him, He is a Narc. He uses women to sexually experiment on, he abuses women same things he would say to me. he said to others of him Mimicking. This couple had a dark secret side of cult things, AS when I saw him last year in court house. I had 3 people with me. I had his stench on me for two weeks, he was in my head again. I had to do a spiritual cleans, baths, mental things. The women who wrote the book wanted me to join the women against him. I said, I will only consider this, IF WE who are coming forward meet and talk. AS I do not trust anyone UNLESS we meet and share our stories AS all of US are victims. I do not want to be a victim to anyone in this situation again. WE ALL need to be on the same page of doing this. OR else it will not work. A wast of time. AND it will be hard emotionally on us. AS he has money power and knows people. Kind of like Rose McGowan, one the first women to accuse Harvey Weinstein The show Citizen Rose…Sorry a long story

  2. Empress1 says:

    HG- OMG– Thank you! Yes you know me and you have helped me so much-=before and after my SuperNova– and yes- of course- he is now doing the 3 AM phone calls- and acting crazy!! I am enjoying because it feels like for the first time- I am making his life miserable– I can now add– being secretive to it!!! I do not want him back- I am enjoying ‘ f'””” ing with his mind— ! I am always so honest– now I will not be—— secretive is the key– ! I do not want him back- he bores me, his money ( which is all he has to offer is boring) BUT now- I will add this to my arsenal to make HIS life miserable! Thank you HG!!!

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