Goodbye my love, my tormentor, my own personal version of heaven subsumed by hell!
This time (3rd engagement) my eyes were wide open as I now know what you are, what you are not, what drives and fuels you and the many manipulative games you play. I only meant to observe and experience you, my Narcissist while being fully aware. With my new found knowledge, I thought I could abundantly meet your needs while staying immune to your emotional upheaval and abuse. I was wrong, so very wrong! I still became confused and anxious, often sleep deprived due to your calls and texts, lied to repeatedly, cherished and then ignored. After the Golden Period, not one day was like the one before it except for the common thread of highs and lows.
Did I love you still? Yes, with passion! I was in love! Did I believe we would be together forever? No, not any longer. Was I attached to and addicted to you? Oh yes, you made sure of it! Were you attached to me? To anyone? No, you’re not capable of bonding or love, although you believe you are.
Our days together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. We lasted far longer than I thought we would. I learned more about you than I ever wanted to know, as I deceived you into confiding the details of your sexual conquests. I was horrified at the number and the nature of all the women you have engaged with! You are a Somatic Narcissist, after all!
Eventually though, I tumbled from my pedestal. You slowly began punishing me and pulling away, searching for my replacement, pursuing and seducing other women. Then you prematurely disengaged from me, blocked and silenced for a week. She must not have been sufficient as you eagerly slipped me back in place as the Primary, only to slowly disengage a few weeks later while reading and never responding to my pleading texts. You waited until Christmas Day to block me and extend your silence, your absence in my life. Merry fucking Christmas to me…
A week of mutual silence followed by my urgent numerous imploring pathetic phone calls. Your responses were severely cold and cruel, revealing the man beneath the mask. I dared not call again. And then as the dark days slowly slipped by, I no longer craved you or wanted to hear your voice… just one last time. You did not “break” me or “tear [me] down piece by piece slowly .. from the inside out” as you told me you would do. You could not. I’ve yet to be broken by your kind.
For all the damage and destruction you crudely brought, you did leave me with one gift: an awareness of your blatant abuse, manipulations and desire for total control over me. Others before you had been much more subtle with their machinations, using a finesse and charm that you don’t possess. My new awareness led to a journey of understanding your behavior and I did find answers and clarity while reflecting back over a lifetime of familial and romantic interactions with your kind.
You are now blocked on all fronts, your photos and music deleted. The ache in my heart is diminishing slowly, the tightness is gone from the center of my chest, my lungs are free to expand and breathe again, my skin is clearing, the nightly drink relinquished… peace is slowly permeating my life… without you. I’m discovering the presence of joy and wonder in my world, once again and among those that I love and who love me. I actually glimpsed myself smiling again today as I drove to work at the beach: top down, warm sun on my face and my music carrying me along.
This is the letter I will never send, for you already know this story. You’ve played it out a hundred plus times before and will continue to do so. No, you’ll not get my letter, but you will get my perpetual silence as I delete you from my heart and mind. I’ll cherish the lessons learned, but nothing more of you. When and if I think of you, I will say a prayer even though the eternal optimist in me knows that you are beyond help. You will never change. I will pray that you obtain some power and peace while doing the least possible damage to those left in your wake, especially your children. Oh dear Lord, your children!
I will recover and avoid your kind in the future, only allowing those worthy of my love into my heart and life. You are my past as were the others before and like you, all of you Narcissists! You are not my future! But don’t fret! You still have plenty of unaware Empaths to seduce and victimize for now. However, our awareness is growing and your kind, Narcissistic human predators are slowly being outed… we are seizing the power!