Down

down-you-go

It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.

I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure. Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it. Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour. But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried. You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own. It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you. You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all. What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale. Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.

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48 thoughts on “Down”

  1. It’s nearly midnight and I can’t sleep. Another sleepless night. Since the ex assaulted me, I have been diagnosed w PTSD and depression. I have flashbacks of not pleasant experiences w my ex.

    Some days I can accept this and then I’ll have days like today wherein I have obsessive, nonstop thoughts of him.

    I believe 100% there will only be malign hoover, if any hoover takes place. Plus the constant smearing cuz I wounded this person. And I knew I was. I watched him turn into a 5 year old and curl up in a ball. I’m not proud of it becuz he was mentally breaking down literally in front of me.

    But I was so angry when I found out that he knows he’s NPD and my ego exploded cuz I got conned. Me. Being ensnared by a narc ranks right up there with being bitten by a rattlesnake.

    He can’t help what he is. He knows what he is and just wants to be normal. And he can’t help himself so like HG, he just lives out his nature. But he wants “the one” and believes it’s possible. A miracle will walk into his life and save him. It’s okay to want his dream to come true.

    Do some aware narcs ever try to get help or is being a bastard easier. And superior to the rest of us.

    1. Dronning
      If you don’t mind sharing, how did your ex find out that he has NPD? And how did you find out that he has it?

      Most narcissists do not get heIp because there is nothing wrong with them (they think they are normal), that is my understanding. I have read a little about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) being used on people with NPD so they can work on being prosocial.

      You may find this quote helpful.

      “As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.”

      https://narcsite.com/2018/07/15/why-the-narcissist-makes-it-all-so-difficult-3/

      1. Hi, K. Thanks for asking. I will try to keep response short as the answers to your 2 questions were pieced together over a period of 5 months.

        How did my Narc find out? And how did I find out? Start with my first piece of the puzzle which came from my Narc’s mouth. Firstly he is a highly intelligent, Ivy League educated Greater. I really did love to spend time with him in the beginning and he trusted me with his deep, dark self. I knew he wasn’t lying ALL the time. He wants to be a good man. But actions do speak louder than words. I am a super magnet empath which might explain why he trusted me. ???

        HG, any input, please. I would greatly appreciate anyone’s insight and input.

        At age 19 while at university, Narc and a few frat brothers gang raped a girl. They were caught and my Narc was court ordered to a psychological evaluation by psychiatrist. His diagnosis Axis I Antisocial Personality Disorder and Axis II NPD. His elite rich parents bailed him out of trouble. Many times his entire life. The rape victim got no justice. ( Neither did I.)

        Red flag in my face but I always came to his defense and that was 20 years ago was my rationale. Like everyone makes mistakes, right, and deserve a second chance. NOT! Plus I never thought he would end up raping me 5 months later. I trusted him and he is a very interesting person to spend time with so I guess I was blinded by my own selfish desires. We really did have common interests, i.e., history, literature, seeing plays, road trips. Or I’m in my delusional state still.

        Maybe Narc’s motive for confiding in me was to gain my trust or because I am a good listener. ???

        I fell in love with the sweet 5 year old side of him. The only time he was sweet to me. He would fall asleep in my arms.

        How did I finally open my eyes? I started distancing myself from him when he started mind f***ing me. I am about enjoying life. He can get very depressed. He hoovered me texting we were Twin Flames. I googled Twin Flames and Narcsite come up as an option. I opened up Narcsite and started reading HG and his bloggers. Then I ordered 19 of HG books.

        When Narc saw my books he laughed. In my face–the gig was up. Then he got furious and told me HE could have written the books. I knew he started reading one as he commented HG writes from the intellect and he views himself as spiritually driven. Also told me I have a PhD in Tudor experience. He told me to own my own shit. Result? Supernova. All bets were off. Narc told me another truth–he never loved me.

        If my former Adonis is reading this, as I think he trolls this site when he is in between girlfriends . . . perhaps it will genuinely please you to know I took your advice. I own my own shit.

        Thanks again, K, for your interest and the quote!

        My advice, don’t ever let your Narc find HG’s books.

      2. Dronning
        Actions do speak louder than words. The beginning was the Golden Period and I don’t think it was trust that he was looking for; I think he was looking to get fueled by you listening to him talk about his deep, dark self.

        You weren’t blinded by your selfish desires; he was mirroring you, therefore, you had common interests, i.e., history, literature, seeing plays, road trips.

        “Narc’s motive for confiding in me was to gain my trust or because I am a good listener. ???” (his motive was fuel, character traits and residual benefits; The Prime Aims)

        Thank God, he texted you regarding Twin Flames (that’s a manipulation to keep you hooked; we are soul mates) and you found narcsite. Serendipity!

        So, he has known since University that he has NPD/ASPD and you start to figure it all out during devaluation and it looks like you are no contact right now.

        You wrote that you never got justice for the rape, did you press charges?

        He was definitely telling the truth when he said he never loved you because he is incapable of love.

        Put: greater narcissist in the search bar and pull up all the articles so you can familiarize yourself with that school.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/06/03/the-narcissists-prime-aims-2/

        https://narcsite.com/2018/04/29/sins-of-the-empath-the-listener-4/

      3. Thanks for enlightening me. Yes, finding Narcsite was a miracle, serendipity. And all you wrote is so helpful. I had this thought, yes, he confided his dark secrets (there are a few more) because not only would I listen intently, I didn’t leave him. I thought his confessions were laced with remorse, contrition. Fooled me which made me angry when he laughed at how easy I was to take advantage of.

        I got a restraining order, Narc contested it so we went to court. His female attorney was brutal to me. According to her, I was to blame for being sleep raped and he kept me captive in the car so he could violate me again 2 hours later. I found out afterwards restraining orders are worthless, especially with a Greater. I believe no one can ever win against a Greater.

        What is with sleep raping? I have seen that term on this site. I had never experienced it before and I’m angry.

        Definitely NC. I changed my cell #, quit my job (I have difficulties concentrating with the PTSD), read the articles on this site. GOSO is my mantra. You give me hope that I can obtain the wisdom you have. How long have you been NC?

        My ex Narc would only hoover me to hurt me as I got “the stare” in the courtroom. He can’t love but I believe he hates me for exposing him in this small community. I know I should not have made eye contact but I stared him down. So he knows I am not afraid of him anymore.

      4. Drowning
        Sleep rape is all about power and demonstrating that only what they want is important. I just thought it was a normal part of being married until I came here to narcsite and first heard the term used. Lol!

      5. You are very welcome Dronning
        His confessions were laced with false contrition and remorse and he violated your trust. Your anger is understandable and this article explains that very well.

        https://narcsite.com/2017/11/20/violator-4/

        ROs don’t seem to be very effective against the greater because they usually have higher intelligence and energy levels and they can be quite malignant. This article will explain how the greater reacts to an RO.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/05/02/showing-restraint-7/

        Like you, I had never heard of sleep rape until I came here and it is more common than you think (it happened to me too). It is done during devaluation for:
        fuel, control, reinforcement of his need for superiority and self-worth.
        This article below is where I first read about it.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/07/17/but-why-did-the-narcissist-do-that-4/

        GOSO is my mantra too. I found narcsite March/2017 and I share a child with my MMRN and I am currently very low contact. There is hope, just keep reading because the logic will replace your emotional thinking which facilitates the healing process. Focus on yourself and NC.

        You may want to read:
        https://narcsite.com/2018/06/22/malign-hoover-campaign-4/
        https://narcsite.com/2017/03/06/malice/

  2. Mine went on for 25 years before he started the “true” devaluation which lasted 5 years. I finally got out. I look back to that time and I realize I was a shell of my former self. He truly is an evil person and I used to take up for him. I can’t believe I got sucked in that badly.

      1. I am doing well. Trying to move on with my life but he is still smearing and trying to interfere with my life from afar. Still has his “friends” contacting me for information on my life and making a point to tell me how he is so I, and I am assuming this to be true, will continue to think about him. I am much smarter now. Happy to be by myself, in my house, living my own life, nobody telling me what to do or when I can do it. No more eggshells, no more stress. It does get better. I moved on after 30 years of hell. It didn’t happen quickly, but it has happened. It takes time to get past the emotional and mental abuse and see them for what they truly are, but, it will happen.

  3. Maybe it’s just me , but I ve noticed in your writings, educating us as to what we re dealing with, you use a lot of words. And I get bored in the excess and find myself scrolling to your ending statement. It’s greatly telling , revealed in a few words.

    1. Janet,

      To tell HG to shorten his words is like telling a painter to use only one color to paint an abstract! If you are skipping to the end of his writings then you are missing so many valuable lessons. I personally can read his writings over and again and always find something new that I’ve missed the first time. Perhaps instead of cutting to the end you should reread them and if there is something you don’t understand then ask. So many on this blog will help you to understand.
      Kindest Regards,
      Fool me🌻

    2. Janet
      Haha. If you get bored with words I’m guessing youve never been involved with a narcissist or had a golden period. If ONLY we could fast forward the ones in our real lives to the bottom line when theyre droning on and on adding literally nothing to our lives. Here I find I am able to learn so much because of the talent, creativity, and raw truth in the writing. It makes the subject matter less clinical and easier to understand than any other platform I have encountered and challenges me to think. I enjoy the journey and not just the education.

  4. Why is it important to reduce the victim’s self-esteem? Do they give more emotional reaction if they have low self-esteem? Or do narcs feel pleasure from seeing their victims destroyed? Like maybe more powerful?

    My greater narc is trying to get me to attend events with him. I went to one and then I escaped (he is pulling me now back in 🙁 ) I escaped because I realized it was made to make him look super important and lower my self-esteem. He is insisting on setting up the same framework (another big event) where he has a crowd of people that are triangulating me and making me feel worthless…I feel angry thinking about it. I need to run.
    But I am curious what is gained exactly from low self-esteem? How does it relate to fuel exactly?
    Good writing

    1. As your self-esteem dwindles, you invariably pump out more fuel and cling harder to the relationship making it easier to control you.

  5. HG Please read my questions at the end of this as, These are very valided questons. AND you may not have answers as these things have not happened to you, or you have no clue or it WOULD BE A GREAT FEAR TO YOU IF THESE THINGS HAPPENED. AS our mind is our best friend or worst enemy. How would your Survival work being alone???

    My Narc. has had the same GF for over 15years. She knows all to know of him since 2015, from my help. AND she is a Bitch to us victims. He keeps her as the PRIMARY of giving him the FAKE real life of him being a respectable man of family friends rich business man, to take care of his needs of traveling home parties taking him to the airport. She is his keeper of protecting him. She like many of us did not know what he was. He gave her a choice of he wanted to go and have sex with other women, as before his divorce he was a virgin. Then after he had a few women, then her. They fight break up here and there. BUT HE never brings in another to replace her in his life. OR nothing goes public as it is him, getting her to give him the Mind fuck Rape fuel. WE the others are the Dirty Secret hidden. He has a sex phone of years of women. Old supply current supply and a new supply. HG DO YOU get rid of supply OR you change them up and give to them differently ?? AS my ex Narc. GF gets him %100. OF course he messes with her, but he says I AM NOT monogamous to you.

    They then PLAY with US his Dirty Secrets, when we contact her, as we were not know to her. So then once we contact her, HE is done seeing us, but he keeps us on a leash of texting US so on. A supply of getting fuel, even though WE want to see him, HE is done with us in that manor.

    So we are on a shelve. He brings us down to play with BUT no more of a FAKE believe of an US, So like many of us victims WE do not know that YOU are a Narcissist. WE think you are going through Mid Life Crises or have A SEX addiction or A drug or Alcohol addiction so on. Until one day.. WE come across doing our research NARC traits and then we start putting the pieces to the puzzle together. YOU ARE A SICK EVIL MONSTER WITH NO HUMANITY SWITCH. Can he heal change stop his bad ways go to therapy. What about an institutions for 3 to 6 months. WE want to help y fix you. BUT there is no fixing ANY of you,as This is what you see is what you get, WELL NOT AT FIRST AS YOU ARE A manipulation lying abusing thing of some human qualities. HG you are alone? YET there are so many of you Narc. BUT you can not even be with each other or like each other, like those going to a 12-step meeting to help support each other of healing. There is no healing YOU all live a life of solitude, of being alone, YET you do not want to be alone. YOU need supply to feed off and give you stimulation or TO NOT remember YOU are really alone.
    WHAT is your belief system of life of spiritual or empathy working together. NO THERE IS NO PLACE IN YOUR BEING TO HAVE THAT. YOU are all about surviving and to feed your addiction of SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF US Human-beings. You do not have a purpose of Why am I here, what is my gift to the world. IT IS JUST SURVIVAL. true????? HG Sam Vaknin went to jail. Have you gone to jail? AS if you are in Solitude of not mingling with the other prisoners as I am sure you would figure out how to get supply in jail. BUT if you were in solitude confinement or on an island all by yourself.. HOW WOULD YOU FEED THE MONSTER IN YOU? And most of you describe your evil thing that is in you as a Monster. I am not being cruel here, just being real. YES you have feelings, BUT they are not the feeling of being connected to human-beings, it is purely to survive.BUT what for, I think of what you thing about, in your times of thinking of life. If I was like that I probably would not want to live, BUT it is because I know how it feels to be human, YOU do NOT have a reference for those feeling of missing them and depression I believe. True? So you can NOT miss what you never had. JUST my speculation here. Why did your treatment bring you to doing this,or you had to pick something to do, and exposing yourself to inform us, is what you choose. Thank you kindly for The ugly bad truth of what we need to know. Spiritual Warrior

  6. So you never tire of the hunt ? Don’t you want to be content with one . I know ,I know …it gets stale ,and we fail . But it’s not the point . You may just be a Mormon who needs 10 -20 wives . Lol

  7. I hear ..and read that our brains protect us from extreme pain. So ..our sub – conscience holds these painful memories . So maybe it comes out when you dream . Or when hypnotized ?

      1. I finally lost my shit. This afternoon and evening. I searched for him. I was relentless. I don’t know where my mind went, long story short, I have been completely discarded. The best I could figure out is he moved back to long island. Trying to learn how to feel like nothing. Fuck. It’s been a long almost 53 year old struggle. But now it’s on me to build that better life for myself and hopefully help others.
        But right now I’m numbed out by flashbacks.
        Going to numb the pain with loud music. I’ll be just fine.

      2. Tammy
        Im glad you didnt find him, but what was your plan or intention if you had?

      3. Lmao, NA!!!! I have some great mental pics rolling around in my head of what I’d like to do.

  8. Well if you can write that ….then you can describe exactly that ….to your primary …..exactly what you wrote …..instead of yelling insults . At least the Greater seems able ….all others (mid-ranger, lesser ) supposedly are just on auto pilot . You are saying it’s just a reflex action to devalue ….but you can slow it down in your brain. I know you won’t post this .

  9. I was with the narc for almost 10 years. That was 10 years’ worth of powerful fuel. During that time he cheated on me too, of course, but when caught he actually did stop seeing them. Do you think he is missing that fuel now that he is back with his ex wife? She is enraged that he engaged with me for so long, and I know the thought of me is eating her alive. Does this make him hate me (because the idea of me is interfering with his current supply and I’m painted black) or does he miss me now that I’m gone?

    1. 1. He does not miss you.
      2. He will not miss your fuel at the current time. This may well alter and will be a driver behind hoovering you.
      3. I do not know the chronology of your entanglement, but if you are a former IPPS and he has returned to another former IPPS, it is highly likely that you are painted black.

      1. Why are some kept for longer? My ex even said to me 3 weeks in this will be a nice little summer relationship and I know many of his exes were exactly that 4 months
        I had 3 years of the madness …why?

      2. I wonder if your time as the IPPS was influenced by a change in his fuel matrix. For example, I was in the fire for ten years. With the knowledge I have obtained from HG and fellow blog members, I can only imagine what my Ex-N was doing behind the scenes the entire time. I’m sure I wouldn’t find it pretty….

      3. Ha,ha HG…that was cruel but at the same time I find it entertaining. hmmm does that mean that I am losing my perspective now or is it just that I am seeing your perspective more clearly now?

  10. Some days I can accept all this, then I get spun out on the hamster wheel asking myself why this has to happen this way?

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