My Dear Narcy guys,
I had and I have a lot of you in my life, so if I decided to write a letter to each of you, it would take a lot of my time and I have none. Moreover, my letters to all of you would be pretty similar, because you all have a lot in common. Yes, you all look different, you all behave differently, but I see the same type of a person, living inside of you. I want to talk about that person.
1. Emotional pain and Loneliness.
You all know what the Internal Loneliness means exactly. You are acutely aware of it. You desperately want to get rid of it, because it is unbearable. Like anyone else, you have a deep wish to be loved, accepted and cared for. You want to belong somewhere.
Moreover, considering your childhood traumas, you, more than anyone else, want all of those things, but you can’t get them, because you are afraid of intimacy, which is a key point to get them. You are afraid to give your all and be rejected after that. You know precisely, how badly you are susceptible to the Emotional pain and you know that you won’t survive it.
Having a lot of you, my dear Narcy guys, in my family history, I bear some of your genes and, because of it, I know how that Emotional pain feels also. It isn’t easy to describe it, but it definitely feels like a hell.
So, no wonder why you all have to protect yourselves from that pain, and the single possible way to do it is to live in a “shut up” manner. You don’t permit a single soul to get close to you. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t permit yourselves to be open and vulnerable. I understand it. I don’t judge you. It is your natural protective mechanism.
We have a vicious cycle. Your deep desire to be loved, accepted and cared for conflicts with your protective mechanism.
My dear Narcy guys, do you realize how it is hard to love or to live with a constantly “guarded, suspicious, and hostile” person?! No? So, I tell you. It is totally exhaustive. In the end, people leave you alone because of it. I understand them. I don’t judge them. It is their natural protective mechanism.
2. Loneliness and Fantasy World.
Your internal loneliness is and feels unbearable. You want someone to be with, to share your life with, to belong to. But, you know very well that a closeness and an intimacy make you vulnerable and exposed to the Emotional pain you all can’t tolerate.
You need and want an absolutely safe person for yourselves. The person who will never leave (read betray) you. Absolutely loyal. Absolutely loving. Absolutely caring. Absolutely understanding. Absolutely kind. Absolutely…
That divine person doesn’t exist in the real life (he/she doesn’t exist in principle and some of you are painfully aware of it!), but he/she exists in your Fantasy World. You create the ideal mother, father, brother, sister, friend, partner and lover in your mind. That’s your One.
That One is your ideal half. You talk to him/her. You both laugh. You both lead an interesting life. You both do wonderful things. You make love. You are open and sincere. You feel loved and admired. You feel safe. You are free and…happy. Almost heaven.
That “paradise” would be a bless to someone with a schizophrenia, but not to you. You have a very good reality check. You see a difference between your Fantasy World and your Real Life, and this is a source of your misery. You desperately want that “paradise” in your real life, because you think that it is the only possible way to be happy. Your Fantasy World, albeit very pleasant, is not enough. You want more. You want it real.
To “create” your One using a real person. To get his/her real love and loyalty through a dependency. Emotional. Physical. Financial. You have to be very inventive, very convincing, very seductive. And yes, you always have to control your One, because he/she, invariably, would escape after realization that everything was a lie and an illusion.
The sings of your control are very different (depends) – mental games, flattery, bribery, intimidation, restriction, physical violence, etc… The paedophilia, rape, murder, and cannibalism are the most perverse and ultimate sings of control.
The infamous Dennis Nilsen talked for hours with the dead bodies of his victims and wrote a lot of very tender poems to them. Those dead bodies were his real and loyal “friends”. They shared his loneliness. They never betrayed him and never escaped. He didn’t have to pretend and control them. He felt safe and…happy with them.
My dear Narcy guys, I know that you aren’t paedophiles, rapists, murderers, and cannibals in your real lives. But, I know, you all have those dark fantasies from time to time. Everything is possible in your Fantasy World. You are the Kings and Queens there. You are the Gods. You are forever young, healthy and wealthy there. You can do everything you want there.
And I know how it is hard to all of you to fight with yourselves and not to cross a very thin line that divides your Fantasy World and your Real Life. You kill your various enemies in your heads and you try to be a good people in your real lives at the same time. It isn’t an easy way to live, but you all do it and, considering your lack of empathy, you do it almost perfectly. You have my respect for that.
3. Sensation-seeking, Envy and Hate.
Unfortunately, the bad Nature and the bad Nurture both contributed to your personality type development.
I don’t want to overload you with a various chemical and functional brain abnormalities’ details, but those abnormalities are real and a lot of data suggests that they can be measured and documented pretty accurately.
Among many of things, you all have a very high level of the “pleasure threshold”. It isn’t easy to make you happy, guys. You aren’t capable to extract your happiness from the simple things and stimuli (good weather, music, food, friendly talk, healthy sex, etc.).
Those stimuli can’t reach your “pleasure threshold”. They are too weak for that. You need more. Much more. Mad love. Drama. Scandal. Fight. War. Reckless driving. Alcohol. Drugs. Hard porn. Questionable adventures. Anything, that can reach your “threshold”. And not having an empathy and having a low impulse control, you guys don’t hesitate to get your immediate gratification. And it works. For a short period of time.
Without that “over-stimulation” you feel empty, bored, depressed, and generally unhappy. You know exactly when you need your next “fix”. It manifests as a nervousness, irritability, restlessness, and anxiety.
And you know exactly what would happen next, if you don’t find your “fix” as soon as possible. Your internal “monster”, “demon”, “creature”, or whatever you want to call it, would eat you alive. Do you know what is it?
It is a very interesting, but weirdly working type of a Narcy conscience. It constantly and desperately tries to save your humanity, to protect you, to warn you, to tell you how bad your deals are. It tells you that it “sees” the difference between your created and real self.
The more you do your bad deals, the bigger, stronger and more intimidating your internal “conscience-monster” becomes. You hear its ominous roar and you want to silence it. You are scared to death to hear and admit the truth and your real self.
How could you silence your “monster”? Well, you have to distract yourselves, trying to reach your high “pleasure threshold” and loose yourselves in that relieving, but unhealthy oblivion. And, pretty often, your “distractive” methods aren’t honourable at all.
So, we have another vicious cycle. Your conscience forces you to do more bad things to silence it and then punishes you for that with a more intensive force.
That’s why I always tell you: “My dear Narcy guys, try, really try not to do the bad things. Don’t feed your “monster”. You just won’t survive when the “time of truth” comes. And it will come. Invariably. Sooner or later”. But you (aside of the one of you) don’t listen. You don’t “hear” me or anyone else who tells you the same things. The denial is so sweet…
But let’s back on the track. You see the ordinary people and you see how it is easy for them to be happy. Their “pleasure threshold” is so low in comparison to yours. They can extract their happiness from anything literally! And if they are wounded, they don’t have to go to extreme to “fix” their wounds. The mere friendly hug could help them, but not you.
You know how different you are and how it is hard for you to be happy like them. To laugh like them. To relax like them. To be free from that heavy burden you have to carry on your plates…
You envy them for that. You feel inferior and you hate them for that. Their mere happy existence insults you deeply. You want to punish them for that. You want to show to all of them what that means to be you. To live like you do. To fight with yourselves like you do. To foresee the slightest possibility to be wounded and to do everything to prevent it. To be guarded constantly. To survive.
Those visceral Envy and Hate make you look and act like a pure Evil. You know deeply inside that you aren’t evil persons at all. You just want to live peacefully, like anyone else. But, in many cases, you can’t control your Envy and Hate. You can’t address those destructive forces to something benign and constructive. You hate yourselves for that and you direct those destructive forces against you. When you reach the “no return point”, you stop to value even your own life. Nothing matters anymore. You give up.
4. Lack of Empathy.
Having the Emotional pain, the absolute internal Loneliness (personal isolation) and the low “pleasure threshold”, you all try to survive in this world. And the lack of Empathy makes your life journey absolutely antisocial.
You can “read” people intellectually, but you can’t “feel” them. You don’t feel their boundaries, so you don’t know where to stop at. Moreover, those people are so nauseatingly happy, so it makes you feel inferior, envious and angry. And that means that you always (intentionally or not) have to hurt people around you.
Of course, if you can’t feel someone’s pain, you can’t feel it. Dot.
You can feel your own Emotional pain. You, my dear Narcy guys, know about the pain more, than anyone else. To avoid or to stop hurting people, just project your own words and actions on yourselves… How the cheating on you feels? How the verbal or physical humiliation feels? How the rejection feels? How? You know how.
You don’t need the empathy to navigate in this world successfully. You have the Self-Projection instead. It works pretty effectively, when you want to get a control upon your destructive urges and don’t want to find yourselves in the mental hospitals and prisons…
P.S. I don’t know how to finish this letter properly. Honestly.
So, my dear Narcy guys, I just want to express my sincere respect for your really heroic attempts to live a decent and pro-social life despite of your highly conflicted Nature. And I want you to know, that if you really want to heal yourselves and have a good life, everything is possible. Good luck.