Exposure – 5 Ways To Expose The Narcissist




You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.

  1. Create jealousy

Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.

A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,

“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”

“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”

“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”

A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.

The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,

“Not a patch on me though eh?”

“I could have been an actor you know.”

A normal person would respond with: –

“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”

“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”

  1. Place Your Attention Elsewhere

Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.

The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.

The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.

The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.

“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”

“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”

The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.


  1. Get the Details

We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.

The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.

The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.

The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.

The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.

  1. Ask about the Ex

It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.

The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.

The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.

“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”

“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”

The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.

  1. Ask About Our Childhood

We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms

The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.

The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.

The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.


22 thoughts on “Exposure – 5 Ways To Expose The Narcissist”

  1. HG, I have a dear friend and her narcs a same gendered, platonic room mate. This woman controlled every mundane thing from the parameters of the friendship. Personally, I found the room mate to be a1n insufferable cunt. Essentially I avoided the room mate as often as possible. My friend had a pathological fear of confrontation or even being around confrontation.
    The room mate knew this and treated me with unbridled disdain. Out of respect for my friend I endured this miscreant’s arrogance and hostility. I visited their house for the fourth of July. The room mate stated she was going to bed numerous and with each mention became more agitated.

    My friend was pale and frightened. Forgive me for not mentioning I’m a man. Since my friend was obviously experiencing considerable consternation, I asked my friend is she was okay? The room mate answered for her “I’m going to bed!” with icy venom.

    I replied with goodnight then. The room mate was furious! Tfe room mate than stated “I’m a light sleeper and the television is to be turned off and I don’t want the two of you talking!” I was in shock and awe from that directive. I glanced at my friend and she was staring at the ground. I made a point to count to seven before I responded. I asked the room mate “Do you honestly believe that is a reasonable expectation? She defiantly said yes! I replied with keep thinking.” I could almost see the cortisol and adrenaline flood into her muscles. She was spewing something about compromise between my friend and her. I honestly was not listening, and I waited for her to finish. When she finally paused her insidious rant, I calmly stated “This conversation is over.” I went to the bathroom.
    She started to talk again, and I stated that her expectations were not reasonable so consequently I have nothing to say.” She stormed off and said something akin to I feel sorry for your mum having an ingrate for a son!” I said “I’ll be happy to ring my mum and perhaps the two of you can commiserate.” The more probable outcome will be my mum stating she could not ask for a better son.”

    She stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door. I immediately turned on the television and set the volume a bit louder than it needed to be. I’m about 6’1 175lbs, and she’s morbidly obese about 5’2 325 lbs. She flew into the family room and got nose to nose with me and screamed “Get the Fuck Out of My House and don’t ever come back or I’ll kick your ass!” I didn’t move, and calmly said “No I’m a guest of my friend and she’s just as entitled to have guests as you are.”

    I was a Golden Glove boxer and ran with a really rough crowd in my youth. One could almost see the signal go through to her brain stating “No information on this!” I honestly believe that was the first time in her life that she was incapable of intimidating another. Then she started to tremble and stated “I don’t feel safe in your presence so I’m calling the police.” I said ” I said go ahead, I’ve done nothing wrong.”

    The room mate dialed 911. I don’t know what came over my friend but she became overtly aggressive toward her room mate and I walked out of the house. The police arrived and questioned everyone and determined that the room mate’s accusations were lacking merit. The police further stated that I was welcome to visit my friend anytime I wanted to.

    Since you’ve been so gracious in sharing the inner thoughts of your kind, I believe that was an example of unleashing the fury. The room mate tried to convince my friend that I was the aggressor and the bully for four straight days.

    I know now that my friend is the empath on the very left end of the scale. Her room mate will never find a better source of fuel. She’s lesser narc, not very attractive and genuinely unlikable.

    When the room mate came to the realization that my friend saw her true colors The room mate moved out two weeks late and went no contact with my friend!

    I really wanted to ask you what do you think became of the room mate. I believe she may have had one tertiary supply of fuel. The probability of her obtaining another primary source of fuel is almost zero, I’m very interested in your insights. Personally, I hope she’s suffering. Shortly after she left my friend in the lurch I contemplated pursuing some payback, but figured silence is a worse outcome for her.

    I’ve been vexed by that encounter for about a year. Thanks to you and your willingness to share the modus operandi of your kind, it makes perfect sense. I just glad there wasn’t a gun in the house.

    1. Will,
      What a great story. No wonder it’s been on your mind a lot over this last year.
      You are such a good friend, so composed and unflinching as you stood for the truth and what was right. Good man!
      The world needs more men like you.
      Please mentor as many young people as you can fit into your schedule.

      I’d love to have your company and go to visit my ex-N’s house so he’d feel even just one moment of the terror & impending doom he made me feel.

  2. HG, i just wanted to tell you, that i’ve been on a few dates, nothing much at this point and wouldn’t normally be my type, this is the first since 4 years of NarcGate. Discovering about NPD and realising a lot about myself , my family and having a very difficult few years and also finding you 3 years ago HG. I’ve tested this new guy like you wouldn’t believe , all learnt from this blog and your books and your consultations , and I truly do not think he’s a narc – but i’m monitoring very closely !! I’ve learnt so much from you and I want to thank you so much for your help. Remember last time I had a consultation with you and i’d recently moved to by the sea and you recommended going to the place beginning with T, well i’ve been tonight.
    I think we are all given such helpful advice on this site – We empaths have our own Tool Kits now or at least are beginning to. It’s strange how your such an awful man HG, but I finally feel narc free and your the person i want to tell, most out of anyone, because nobody else will ever really understand.

  3. Excellent resource! This helps confirm my Narc falls within the “Greater” range.

    HG – Thanks for sharing your time and expertise.

  4. These are golden, and work, especially the bit about complimenting someone else and listening for the dagger to slide out. I referred to a mutual friend as “prettier than average” and my narcish ex gf fought me on it tooth and nail – because that’s totally how you treat a supposed friend, right?

    Thank you.

  5. Pingback: Exposure – 5 Ways To Expose The Narcissist ⋆ NarcTopia
  6. Wolf in sheeps clothing.
    The big bad wolf… Red Riding Hoods unfortunate grandma eaten.

    Goes back in time doesn’t it that the wolf is always the villain…
    Just a phrase..it’s a pity they don’t say a grizzly in sheep’s clothing cos they’re a lot more wicked when they’re bad.

    As time evolves I wonder if they’ll ever say “a narcissist in sheep’s clothing” instead..
    Tell it like it is.lol.
    Let’s get some justice going on.

    Always dissin the wolf…lol

  7. Thank you HG… i ve commented many times but apparently…my comments never appears. I m wondering about that silent treatment… is it an exposure too ? How to make the difference between someone giving a silent treatment or just someone who doesn t eant to speak for the moment… ?
    Thanks alot.

      1. Ok thank you very much. Actually i realise how much i m a very strong magnet to narc… I m a high potential shinning bright.. But no co dependant.. Any way.. Everything you say is very clever anf very helpful. So ? How can i make the difference between someone who is just upset and hurt and doest want to speak any more and a true narc ?

      2. Dear HG… I was just readng many of your articles… and you can help me to understand. How can I make the difference between a silent absent treatment from a narc and someone who is just so much wounded that he doesn t want to have contact for the moment ?

      3. Dear HG.My last comment didn t appear.. You re the only one who can help me… Is silent treatment a way to narc narc people ? If it isthe case… How can I make the defference between someone who is really wounded upset anf doesn t want to speak anymore and a true midrange narc who is givi g a absent silent treatment ? Thank you alot alot alot…

          1. HG, I don’t know how you find the time! Are you doing a lot of consultations these days? How many would you say there are a week on average? (Skype and email). Not counting what you answer here on the blog.

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