Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything


The Silent Treatment. One of our most potent methods of manipulation. Whether it is a present silent treatment where we talk to everyone else around you but not you or whether it is an absent silent treatment where we disappear and cannot be found or contacted, we know that this is highly effective. It does not matter if the silence lasts for ten minutes or ten days the impact on you is considerable and your reaction is always the same. That is, of course, the main reason that we do it. You will repeatedly ask us what is wrong as you fail to understand what it is that we are doing. You will hang around us, if that is possible, asking the same questions over and over again.

“What is wrong, please tell me?”

“What is the matter, I wish you would tell me?”

“What is it? Why aren’t you speaking to me?”

Your concern mutates into frustration and anxiety and even occasionally anger. All of these states suit us as we drink the fuel you are providing to us. If we absented ourselves then we will face a slew of text messages, e-mails and voicemail messages as you keep ringing every five minutes trying to establish contact with us. After a time the nature of the questioning changes as you shift from asking us what is wrong to hauling yourself over the coals. It is all so predictable. You ask yourself what is it that you could have done which has caused us such offence that we are no longer speaking to you. You analyse everything you have said and done over the last hour, the last five hours, the last day. Did you insult us in some way and not realise? Surely it was not that comment about our tie, that was a joke. Was that the catalyst for this silence? Did you fail to kiss us on our arrival home? You cannot remember but these days you often find that is the case since the days all seem to merge into one as you pad around trying not to tread on those eggshells. If only the tiredness would lift. You might be able to think straight then and be able to ascertain what is going on. You keep providing us with different suggestions and scenarios as to what has happened. You grope around, utterly unsure as to what it was that proved to be the trigger. You issue apologies and it gets to the point that you do not even know what you are apologising for but that does not matter does it? All you want is for this horrible silence, the aching absence to end. It has happened before and then it ended as arbitrarily as it arrived. You cling on to the hope that it will end as it did last time but then there is that gnawing doubt which keeps manifesting in your mind. What if it won’t end? What if this is it and we have gone for good? Surely not and for what reason? The doubt is horrible and you feel a rising sense of panic which causes you to redouble your efforts to find us and offer yourself up in sacrifice in order to get us to come back. Time after time we do this to our victims but they do not realise what our silence really means. They are trapped by fear, paralysed by indecision and this is naturally how we like it. This confusion and inability to really see what is going on serves our purpose.

What is our silence really telling you? It is telling you how we enjoy to play fast and loose with your feelings. It is telling you that we do not care about you. You mean nothing to us other than the fuel you provide. We are reminding you of how inferior you are to us. You are nothing more than an appliance which we can switch on and off, pick up and put down at our convenience. We are trumpeting our lack of respect for you and your identity. We are heralding our flagrant disregard for your well-being. We are telegraphing our disdain for our supposed responsibilities. We are reinforcing that you do not matter. Instead, you seek to eradicate the silence, you plan and arrange to do anything which you hope will dispel the absence of communication. Too caught up in trying to remove the unpleasant sensations that wrap around you, you fail to see the clear message that we convey to you each time we behave in this manner. We are behaving as we did when we were told we could not have another biscuit and we sat sulking until our worn-down parent gave in. Most people grow out of such conduct but not us. We saw the power it would wield over certain people (others of course would never countenance it and we knew never to show it to them or suffer the consequences) but everyone else would flock around us, flapping and attending to us and we realised just how we could wrap people around our little fingers so they gave us what we wanted. It was not the extra lollipop or permission to play out for an extra hour. It was attention and attention laced with emotion. Fuel. We may not have realised it then but we took this childish response and turned it into a weapon which causes you fear and frustration every time we unleash it. If only you could understand what we are really doing, then you would understand just how much we are truly telling you by saying absolutely nothing.

6 thoughts on “Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything

  1. MommyPino says:

    Another silent treatment that I got from my mid-range half sister was she did not greet me on my birthdays. She greeted me on my birthday when our dad was still alive which was only one time since we met. After that I don’t get any emails from her to greet me. The one time that I got an email was on my birthday was when our Aunt died. Si she didn’t greet me, she just informed me of the tragic news and so since there was tragedy, it didn’t feel right for me to ask her if she remembered my birthday. I sent her cards and emailed her on her birthdays and she was always excited to get my greetings to her. Unlike her, my half brother always sent me birthday cards and Christmas cards and Christmas gifts through the mail.

    When she became broke because she already spent all of her inheritance, my husband and I let her stay at our house while she was trying to get a job and save to afford an appartment. She gave me all kinds of silent treatments again and manipulative and abusive behaviors that make me feel that I am the least important person in our house. I confronted her and also asked my hisband to talk to her. She said that she was just depressed and didn’t really know what she was doing. She was still abusive but not as bad as it used to be.

  2. Presque Vu says:

    I wish I knew about this at the time so I could have binned the mid-range fucker sooner! You live and learn.

  3. Persephone In Sunlight says:

    I quite enjoyed the Silent Treatment. Seeing that, he rarely gave me them. When he did use them, then had the audacity to ask, “Didn’t I miss him?” (unfortunately rarely absent) I ask “How can I miss you when you won’t go away?”
    Yep, hot fury!
    Best to extend the silent treatment yourself. They go off looking for fuel elsewhere.
    At least for a couple hours.

  4. mollyb5 says:

    Hg —do you talk about how female narcs act toward other females in one of your books ? I have a sister that has many narc traits . But , I feel I run into some in the work I do , as a caregiver. I avoid women now days because of my sister .

  5. Valkyrie says:

    For me, it wasn’t just the silent treatment. It was the bad moods.

    During the golden period, my NX always seemed happy to hear from me. Later, he always seemed to be in a bad mood all the time. Short answers. He would not be affectionate. He was snappy. Everything was an excuse. He was tired. He was working. He had ” a lot going on”. Which could have been other women, now that I know what I know.

    Everything in his life was awful. He wanted to sit in his darkness, as he called it, and be left alone. He would say there is nothing good in his life to be happy about. That would always hurt because I would say, I guess talking to me isn’t a good thing or me caring about you isn’t a good thing. He would get angry when I said that. And he would respond with something like, “here we go again” or “did I f*ing say that?” or “omg”.

    HG, why is everything communicated as so awful? Why the constant negativity? Pity? Wanting reassurance? Wanting to get rid of me (shelving?)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pity Plays, a form of manipulation to gain fuel and control.

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