The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 5
The use of music in the narcissistic dynamic between our kind and our victims is common. It appears throughout the various stages of the dynamic but is used most heavily and also effectively during seduction. This use is an excellent microcosm for our behaviours as a whole :-
- It is used to appeal to your empathic traits such as love devotee;
- We use something created by someone else and pass it off as speaking for us;
- We do not feel the emotion conveyed in the song so we find a conduit (namely the song) to emulate it for us;
- It is easy to do thus conserving energy;
- We can use the same approach over and over again, even the same songs.
Thus we will use music often in order to lure our victims to us. I have however written a few pieces concerning the use of music in the seduction and therefore do not propose to do so once again here. Instead, I will utilise this expanded Narcissistic Truth to write about the use of bait in seducing you.
Everything we do when look to seduce you is bait.
Nothing is done or said ‘just because’. Our actions, our gestures, our words, our expressions are all part of this bait which is designed to draw you to us and ensure that you become ensnared on our dangling hook.
Much of this is instinctive. We have an ability to respond in a way which keeps producing bait to attract you. There is calculation too as we assess information that we have gathered about you and determine how would be the best way to lure you in, what would be the most appropriate and most rewarding approach. However, when we are interacting with you, we also respond in a instinctive fashion so that we do and say things which appeal to you.
Chief amongst this of course is the capacity to mirror. We have to do this, as I have explained elsewhere, which means that with a default setting of needing to mirror we automatically respond in a way which is appealing to you. We respond in a similar way to your likes and dislikes and it is a natural reaction which flows from this intrinsic requirement to mirror you. It often just happens because that is how we have been programmed.
Be in no doubt that during those early engagements with us that everything we do with you is designed to lure you. Of course we are drawing fuel from your enthusiastic replies to our passionate text messages, from that broad smile when you see us as you have been waiting in a bar for us or from your delight when we surprise you with a gift. This delicious positive fuel that you provide keeps telling us that we are right to keep laying down the bait, creating that trail of breadcrumbs that leads you into our world and then we close the portal behind you, keeping you there once you have become embedded.
None of these actions compliments, gestures or activities are done just for the sake of doing it. We do not derive ‘fun’ or ‘enjoyment’ from taking you out for dinner, going rowing together or playing a game of squash. We are drawing fuel and putting down the bait to trap you. That is all that matters.
You might wonder, but surely you enjoy playing squash anyway and it is doubly delightful to play squash with somebody whose company that you enjoy? It is a fair question and of course is one asked form your viewpoint. You do things because you intrinsically enjoy the experience. You like to be with somebody because you find them caring, amusing, mentally stimulating, good at what they do which impresses you and so on. None of that matters unless there is fuel attached to it.
Might I enjoy playing squash? Yes. Why? To win and thus draw fuel from the other person be it their praise at my prowess, admiration at the shots played or irritation at having been beaten. Might I enjoy playing squash with you? Yes. Why? Because you are giving me fuel during the game but moreover it is because I know you enjoy playing squash and therefore I am using it as a bait in my seduction of you.
There has to be a purpose.
Everything we say to you. Everything we do for you and with you. All of it, during seduction, must have the purpose of baiting you and providing us with fuel. It is not done just for the sake of doing it. That is an empty activity and a waste of our energy which must be conserved and applied in the most effective way to continue to gain fuel. During seduction these activities are carried out to lure you to us. That is the purpose. If the sentence or activity is not going to achieve that, there is no point to it.
During this seduction we want to spend so much time with you because you have something that we want – primarily fuel, but also those character traits and residual benefits. Those are the aims. You may be able to expound an excellent argument about the benefits of decriminalising narcotics but that is only of use to us as a character trait we might use for ourselves or the fact we purposefully play devil’s advocate so that your consternation as you continue to argue gives us fuel.
You may well be mentally stimulating, but that is only relevant in the context that fuel, character traits and residual benefits come with that mental stimulation also. The mental stimulation in itself is not enough.
This systematic baiting is necessary owing to the need for fuel. We have to have the certainty that you will give us fuel and be a fully functioning and reliable appliance. To secure this, we have to rely on baiting you and it is not enough to rely on that which is already there. That poses too great a risk. It is necessary to maximise our chances, thus we look for those who are the most susceptible and then we deploy our array of manipulations to create the illusion which ensures the bait is taken.
Yes, it might be the case that the more superior amongst us might well be able to secure your dedication to us without the embellishments and exaggerations but why on earth would we take such a chance? Not when there is so much at stake. You may say, “Be yourself and we would love you just the same”. I have seen this written many times and heard it too, but for many of our kind that would be a fatal mistake. For others, more advanced and with existing talent, it is not enough to rely on this and take chances. The optimum outcome has to be achieved and this means relying on luring you, attracting, baiting you through falsity, fakery and fabrication.
When you have been repeatedly told you are not good enough you are going to find someone else who is aren’t you?
21 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 5”
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I was listening to the radio while driving through the city a day or two ago and the song Shattered Dreams by Johnny Hates Jazz came on (which is a song I enjoy immensely) and, upon listening to the lyrics, it made me realize the song is totally and completely about people like us (naturally, it was as if Clark Datchler was singing about me, to me, ruining a truly classic and kick-ass song with his incessant whining about my having ruined his stupid, pathetic life….but I digress…..).
Shattered Dreams
Johnny Hates Jazz
So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side
And now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said you’d die for me,
Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong
But now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart
I thought it was you who said they’d die for love
And now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
Oh no no no you said you’d die for me
Oh oh die for me
So much for your promises
While we’re on the topic of 80s music, I just wanted to add that I’m a huge fan of Huey Lewis and the News. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own.
And of course, Whitney Houston. The Greatest Love of All” is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it’s not too late to better ourselves.
Since it’s impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves.
It’s an important message, crucial really. Don’t you agree?
I still find myself humming “Latch” by Sam Smith, “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth and “Beautiful Mess” by Jason Mraz.
Goddamnn ever-presence. 🙁
FOTS,
Sometimes when Pianoman is mentioned, I hear this REALLY old comedy song in my head. Really, nothing to do with your situation except piano and banging.
Please don’t bang on the piano:
https://youtu.be/KyjB6f0OMV0
Just to be clear, this song is way older than most of us, and is definitely not PC
1st song about 3 minutes long.
We all need to love ourselves. It is the most important thing. We are all good enough for God to love.
A friend of mine who’s a total narc and unfortunately has a track record of at least one girl who committed suicide (partly due to my friend’s machinations) used to have an expression that I didn’t fully understand for a long time, ‘squeeze it till the pips squeak’. In a way he was the person who educated me about narcissism without ever preying on me when I was young and vulnerable. When later on we briefly dated he was too old and the whole thing, him going through the motions etc was more like a joke although I did feel sad and heartbroken realizing what he was about the whole time. Anyway, your post reminded me of that expression. Like a true utilitarian, a narcissist always has at least three motives. Let me illustrate with an example. My ex has a business near my house. Our breakup (I initiated it) is still quite new, of course he has a girlfriend, and there was a big big hoover after a few weeks but I didn’t budge, I had absolutely no inkling competing for his affections with anyone, guess he didn’t see that coming… All in all, he’s been punishing me ever since the breakup, using the new girlfriend shamelessly, but I’m tough and see through him so it’s not really effective. Amusing, yes. Anyway. The other day I’m walking home from work on a day when I usually don’t work. He happens to be in the shop with his children who I adore and who really like me. A few minutes pass, how are you’s and what are you up to’s are said andn then they leave, my ex holding a black and decker in his hand. Let’s go for a walk he says to the boys. His new girlfriend doesn’t live far. Now let’s see how many ways this was all planned and beneficial for him: 1. he lets me know that he still knows where I am at a random point in time – probably still tracks my phone, 2. the children probably miss me and this chance encounter is a nice way of making the children feel that I’m still alive and we are friendly, after all it is not their fault that their dad, who one day may decide to want me back so that we are a family again, is a douchebag, 3. I meet the children and in his mind this crumble keeps me emotionally attached enough not to look for another men just yet, I have to say I admire is ingenuity in coming up with something every 1-2 weeks, 4. the black and decker is there to show me that he’s doing some home improvement for the new girl, which is one of the things he refused to do for me when I asked during devaluation, therefore he gets to make me feel bad for breaking up with him – at least that’s what he thinks. I smile. What can I do, I’ve loved narcs all my life. : )
Forgot the last one! He lets me know that the new girl gets to meet the children, too. When it is suitable for him, of course, which includes the chance to wind me up. If there’s little or no chance, he creates it. Gotta appreciate all that work going into a simple, accidental interaction.
Narcissists believe it’s our job to make them happy and to keep them happy. They can’t realize they should be doing this for themselves. So they keep looking for someone who will keep them happy, but they get bored with everything easily, so it’s futile. They always have to have something new and shiny, whether it’s people or things.
I’m surprised I’ve never heard anyone wonder if perhaps they’re looking for a Mom image to make them always feel good, to take care of them, and never expect them to reciprocate.
“They get bored with everything easily”
That’s so, so, so true. Boredom is always right around the corner. I require constant mental stimulation, which is why I get off so much on the gaslighting, game playing and general mayhem I am capable of creating.
I view my life as a movie and I am, of course, the director, the producer and the main character. Everyone that crosses paths with me plays a role but because it’s my movie, I constantly rewrite the script. Roles change, characters are added and replaced at whim and the plot is never consistent or easy for others to follow.
I’m not looking for others to make me “happy” – I’m looking for others to cater to my whims, to do what I want and to keep me entertained more than anything. If they fail to do that, then I make my own entertainment and that doesn’t usually bode well for those who are letting me down.
I can’t let things be boring for too long because if that happens, it becomes next to impossible for me to control my impulses and my need to engage in risky and/or dangerous behaviour takes over.
As for wanting a “mother” to make me feel good and take care of me, I’ve got no idea what that’s even like so I’m definitely not interested in that at all.
I do, however, think that if I could find a man like my father or my brothers, I’d at least have a suitable companion to make mayhem with. I wouldn’t use the word “happy” to describe how I’d feel, but it would definitely be something.
Yep, recognise this one. I had a fling with a narc many years ago before I even knew what one was. Got him sussed now. Knowingly walked into the shmooze however, never trusted the guy and this tactic was so obvious. Interestingly having never shared with him how I felt about pretty much anything, I fired an appropriately apt song back at him once to see what he would do, and spied him actually looking up the words. Hmmmm.
And this is why we suicide.
It’s a shame you have to bait, it’s not your façade which is interesting. You think it is because it captures your victim.
Your last paragraph is interesting, your mum is still winning isn’t she?
😔
HG, Music was such a huge part of my life. Some people actually thought I’d be a disc jockey. That’s how much I loved music. Nowadays, I can hardly stand the music I once loved, shared, created. Sometimes I can pull it off and listened to what I once loved. Etc… My narcissist even introduced me to what he liked. I thought it was great to get to share. But as time went on, music became a nightmare to listen to. I’m not sure how or if I can get the magic I once felt for music back? And Maybe I can’t, and maybe that’s a fact I have to face? And yes, it makes me very sad.
Tammy
Music is one of the greatest joys and I would not allow anyone to take that from me. Because its possible to create your own playlists now, do you think you could you start with music that you loved that is associated with good times/feelings prior to meeting your narc and go from there? You also used the word create. Perhaps you could create using what you want in your life as opposed to what you have experienced in getting back to that if that is a creative process for you.
Hi NA,
” …its possible to create your own playlists now, do you think you could you start with music that you loved that is associated with good times/feelings prior to meeting your narc”
This is exactly what I have, my own playlist which I do not share with anyone. These (old and new) songs are not associated with any other narcissist or toxic people in my life.
EB
That’s great E.B. Something that is just for you and untainted. Taking back things like this little by little can help regain normalcy I think.
Tammy, I’m sorry for you, I recognize what you say. Like you, I can’t listen to a lot of music anymore, it is too painful. Also everything creative I had in me is gone. I used to draw portraits, I wrote poetry.. It’s like all my skills are gone.
Hopefully with time we’ll get it back Tammy, I wish so for you xx
Hi Blank,
“…everything creative I had in me is gone.. It’s like all my skills are gone”
I can relate to it. I have also lost interest in things I used to love and enjoy.
E.B.,
I’m sorry for you. I’m trying to figure out if it is lost interest, no inspiration or anything else. I hope something/someone will come along that will make the fire burn again. xx
Tammy,
I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you. The sound is intriguing to me and with the Christmas season upon us in the near future.
https://youtu.be/QNOQBWia0KY