Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery


This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.

This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.

The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.

Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.

It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.

It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.

Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.

Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.

That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.

My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.

You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-

“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”

“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”

“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”

“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”

But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.

You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?

You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?

You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.

You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.

You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.

You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.

Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.

It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.

Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.

I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.

Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.

Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.

There is just nothing there.

Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.

The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.

I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.


47 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery

  1. Clarece says:

    “I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment.”
    You HAVE to do these things, HG?
    Misery from some bad attachments can be overcome.
    Why is it then you mimic our ability to have compassion and empathy? Those are two key elements you crave to fill your emptiness.
    Attachments are totally worth having and fighting for. What is most powerful in the human condition is the ability to love. It reaffirms humanity and connects us all. It is the driving force that gives meaning and purpose in life. Narcissists wouldn’t covet it if this wasn’t true. I think you are always hoping to learn how to connect and bond every time you just attach a person to you, desperately so.

  2. Persephone In Sunlight says:

    It occurs to me that Narcissists are quite solipsistic. They seem to be operating on the philosophical zombie theory, in that all other seemingly conscious beings actually lack true consciousness, instead they only display traits of consciousness to the observer, who is the only conscious being there is.
    I don’t think they literally have that thought, but they act like they themselves only exist, and we are characters in the scripts they have written.

  3. Christine says:

    Yes, narcs are cowards. I don’t really get why you’re so afraid though. You’re already constantly living — or existing, because that is no life — in hell.

  4. Jennifer from Los Angeles says:

    So entirely well put HG. Not all of us empaths want to be slaves to attachment because we know it is at the risk of such bitter suffering. Human survival has hinged upon attachment for the most part, but as you point out here, the opposite is also true. Wouldn’t it be something if we all had a little more choice in the matter?

    1. nunya biz says:

      I like this also, blind attachment is no good.

  5. Michelle says:

    This is a timely article for me. I think of all the issues that come with parting with a narcissist, this is the one where I get stuck the most. I keep saying to myself

    A hoover is not evidence of attachment.
    A hoover is not evidence of attachment.
    A hoover is not evidence of attachment . . .

    Being a relatively normal person, when someone contacts me, especially repeatedly, my brain informs me that that person feels attachment to me. Barely anyone would feel otherwise. This is not even emotional thinking. It’s just the default setting for the average human brain. I know intellectually that it is not the case, but the warm fuzzy attachment feeling I get when I hear from people can’t be helped. And if I hear from Narc Friend, I will certainly get that warm fuzzy feeling, no matter how empty I know him to be; it’s automatic. I keep thinking back to sitting with him and having a beer the last time we were together in person and how I felt so comfortable and so safe talking to him, and how he affirmed our friendship and was so keen to talk about when we’d see each other next. All of that equates to attachment to me. And I know it is not. Breaking that association is so incredibly hard.

    1. Clarece says:

      Michelle, your comments resonate so much with me, especially with saying you have to repeat, “a hoover is not evidence of attachment”.
      Life changing advice right there.
      For the three years involved with JN, before finding this site, I never experienced with another human being the constant push/pull games, fights, him going silent for a couple weeks to a month…then resurfacing. I called it resurfacing. My therapist at the time for 6 months said, JN had to care about me on some level and feel a bond because he kept “resurfacing”. If I truly did not want to be involved with a person, I would welcome the silence and distance and I wouldn’t repeatedly reach out to start things back up. If I did, knowing myself, I know I feel a connection or bond to them.
      From birth we are instinctively wired for our survival to attach to a caretaker. We cannot move (be mobile on our own) or feed ourselves. The eye contact, vocal recognition, touching, hugging, it enables us to become in sync with our caretaker (parent, guardian, nanny) in order to survive and grow. We are social creatures and it is natural and healthy to want to have loving attachments with people. To me that is why it is so difficult to retrain my brain to not automatically connect to someone displaying behavior that seems to reciprocate (rather than just mimic) my feelings of caring or loving them. Difficult indeed.

  6. G. says:

    No babe , you lack discipline and stability . Right there at that moment when you start feeling the move towards devalue and discard , STOP . Persist . You can’t be that much of a coward . Man up . We are all animals of a sort , your way of going about life is jaded . Step in . It is lonely on the outside and power and control is over your self .
    I sound like a mom and even though I know the words mean nothing to narcs , caring compells me to – funny – try to set you straight .

    1. nunya biz says:

      I never think they know how cowardly it looks. The strongest men I’ve seen love fully and deliberately.

  7. Lori says:

    I have a question HG. How do you feel toward a supply source that obviously has knowledge that you have some sort of attachment disorder? They have not called you a Narcissist but they know something is wrong but instead of hurling insults at you treats you with compassion about it. Would you still feel contempt toward them ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      In such an instance, unlikely.

  8. Digital Detractor says:

    “Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.”

    Even if I tried, I could not have said it better, HG.
    Speaking as a former victim (hate that word for myself) from my own perspective to all narcissists both in my past and future, as soon as the red flags start appearing, and they will, as that’s the majority of what I attract, I will try my damnedest to not only remember your quoted answer above , but dare I even say it out loud to the person trying to spin that poisioned web onto me. Lately I’ve just been shutting down, going the opposite direction if possible, but I would love (i think) to pour your exact words onto the next narcissist. I can’t predict whether they’d quickly dismiss me, not wanting to waste any resources on me or would that just prove to be challenge fuel?
    Not trying to lower my own standards, but something inside me wants to finally yell out “stop fucking with me!” I’m way beyond fed up and the self isolation needs to stop today. It’s not me, it’s not what makes me happy. I need healthy human interactions, not antidepressants and control freaks. I used to love everyone, no one was exempt, (naively, even the “broken” ones) I used to trust,(myself including) I used to love life. I want and need all that back asap..but then I also need to remember, the world isn’t as beautiful and peaceful as I once thought it to be.
    Thanks to anyone reading, understanding and relating.

  9. Mona says:

    Attachment is the seat of misery. Although my mother has a lot of narcissistic traits, her aim behind that controlling and manipulating behaviour is completely different from yours. She wants to bind me for eternity. Instead of you who avoids your own attachment to anyone, she wants attachment so badly (symbiosis forever). The means to achieve her aim are very similar to yours. What a huge attachment disorder!
    Yes, attachment is the seat of misery.

  10. mommypino says:

    My mid-range half sister used to make such a big deal about how deeply attached she was to her mother’s items that were included in our dad’s estate. She asked me not to take anything that belonged to her mom. I thought that it was a reasonable request so I agreed. Since I never met their mom I have always asked her if something that I wanted belonged to her mom before I would add anything to my list. Aside from her other hurtful treatments towards me, I noticed that she was enjoying me checking with her and feeling that by doing this I was in effect giving her power over me. She would say, “ I can’t really remember but it is so beautiful and she had a great taste so this probably belonged to her.” One night after I asked her if an item that I wanted belonged to her mom, she said that she isn’t sure but she bet it did because it is beautiful.” She then added, “For someone who gree up in the slum area you have really good taste.” Then she showed me a cheap candle holder made of tin and told me with a big smile, “But you can have this!” So I took it from her hand and threw it (somewhere where it wouldn’t hit anything valuable) and I showed her slum. I screamed at her and pretended to have lost control like when my lesser matrinarc gets so furious. She ran to her bedroom so scared that I would physically attack her. I then went to the study room and emailed my half brother, the executor, and asked for several items that belonged to their mom to be added to my list. He replied right away confirming that I got all of them. I then went to my sister’s room and knocked and asked if I could come in with the most tender voice I could do, I wanted her to think that I was going to apologize. She opened the door and I told her just matter of factly (no emotions!) that I already took the items that I did and our brother already agreed. She closed the door and I saw two empty bottles of alcohol outside the door of her room the next morning. She avoided me after that. I also started to ignore her. I just started to imagine her as an annoying gnat that I’m sharing space with. Now I’m thinking if she wasn’t really attached to those items, maybe what really pissed her off was that I stopped letting her have power over me.

    1. K says:

      She ran into her room, definitely a midranger. They are all scaredy cats.

      1. mommypino says:

        K, so true. It made me laugh a little bit watching her run. But even as she ran, her gestures and expression looked like she was an innocent princess running away from the big bad wolf. So theatrical!

      2. MommyPino says:

        And I’m not even scary! I’m so small and short.

    2. E&L says:

      mommypino, I love reading your comments. Your stories are so relatable and validating. Thank you for sharing them.

      1. mommypino says:

        Thank you E&L. Sometimes I am not sure if I’m conveying my stories clearly enough because English is just my second language. I’m glad that you like them. 💕

    3. K says:

      Ha ha ha…thanks for the laugh! They are very dramatic and they look ridiculous when they play the victim; it is comical.

      She ran away to assert control and provoke a reaction from you and that alcohol was most likely used as a fuel substitute. I noticed that my midranges didn’t like when I got furious and they avoided me afterwards, too.

      One of them called me Dragon Lady…ha ha ha.

      1. mommypino says:

        Dragon Lady! That’s too funny!

        See I would never see my Lesser matrinarc describe a target as a Dragon Lady, she would never describe a target with any words that acknowledge any fierceness or strength in them. And I bet Greaters wouldn’t either.

        But Mid-Rangers definitely would, because they are such hypocrites, they would like to fool themselves into believing that they are the ones taking the high road even though the truth is they have been the ones unfairly attacking the whole time.

  11. mommypino says:

    When a narcissist claims to have a strong attachment over a certain item, for example, a family heirloom, is there any possibility that this is genuine?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is triangulation.

  12. Kelly says:

    “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. Puppies are worth it!! I just lost mine this year, and I’m grateful for having enjoyed her for the short time I did. Some things are worth missing. You narcissists could learn a lot from a dog, in fact, we all should be that good hearted. Even a dog knows what love and loss are. They’re more human than anything narc.

    1. MB says:

      Kelly, I agree 100%. I’m sorry about your fur baby.

      1. kel says:

        Thank you MB ❤️

  13. J says:

    With all due repect of your amazing writing skills, narcs are far more miserable than their appliances in the long run.

    1. K says:

      My MMRN’s matrinarc always appeared to be miserable, however, is was just a pity play.

      HG Tudor
      JANUARY 14, 2018 AT 15:45
      It is incorrect to state we are miserable. You may regard the way we operate as miserable, but that is from your perspective. We are not miserable – those that state as such do so as part of their manipulation, those are Mid Range and engaging in their usual pity plays – they will profess misery to dupe you, but they are not miserable. Lesser and Greater are not miserable – both forge forward unhindered by the complications you bear.

      1. MB says:

        K, I’ll never understand fully how you find these, but I’m glad you do! You’re da bomb girl! I’m very glad you are here.

      2. mommypino says:

        So true, that was a big difference with my mom and sister. My Lesser mom did not do as much pity plays as much as my Mid-range sister did, even though my mom is a victim narc. She just wanted somehody to take care of her financially but she didn’t act like a lost soul. My mid-range was so theatrical with her pity plays about how people treated her unfairly. My mom didn’t asked for pity, she just got really mad all the time.

      3. k says:

        Thank you MB!
        I remembered this comment because my MMRN’s mother reminded me of the Burgermeister Meisterburger. She looked miserable but she really wasn’t; it was just a midrange pity play.

  14. Kelly says:

    That sounds nice and all, but the truth is that your throne comes with attachments, you just choose not to face them. You’re attached to your creature, you just choose not to deal with it. And you’re not mentioning the fact that keeping up your facade, and keeping the mask on, takes a lot of energy. Or that keeping your fuel supply flowing is a never ending task in your every day schedule. You’re not mentioning that narcissism is a little lonely. You even have to lie yourself.

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi kelly…so true your post! Narcissism is codependancy and very empty within. Narcissists can have incredible careers and be surrounded by many people but very empty inside. They lack any spiritualism. Its here and now and they only matter which is barren and a hollow existence. You see this a lot with celebs. They look so happy and perfect on the outside yet attached to drugs and end up overdosing and dying. They had nothing within and no spiritualism. They relied on external resources to fulfill them. Its an oxymoron bc narcissists try their damnest to not attach and they succeed emotionally in not loving others or caring but they are very much attached and reliant on people to fill them up temporarily instead of working on within and facing that creature headon. Asking themselves why they need fuel and addressing that. Thats where they would break that attachment and start to heal. They are the biggest codependants and deep down they feel ashamed and disgusted they rely on those attachments.

      1. Kelly says:

        Hi Chihuahuamum, Interesting! I’ve wondered about celebs and how they could be so unhappy and end up that way. Spiritualism – I guess their narcissism doesn’t even allow for a superior being. I’m sure they have lows that creep in when they’re alone after awhile.

      2. Lori says:

        I believe Narcs are simply the most severe form of codependency. This is why Narcs and Codeps go together. Birds of a feather

      3. k says:

        Narcissists don’t know what they are, nor are they aware of their reliance on fuel so they are not going to ask themselves why they need fuel nor will they address it. They don’t have to try their damndest to not attach because they are completely incapable of attachment.

        They have no idea that they have a creature so why would they bother trying to face it head-on?

        Narcissists are not wired for introspection, insight or awareness; they are normal from their POV and operate perfectly fine in their reality.

        Narcissism is a fixed condition and cannot be healed.

      4. K says:

        This may help explain the lows that a narcissist can feel.

        HG Tudor
        OCTOBER 4, 2016 AT 09:08
        Hello Violet, if our fuel goes too low we enter a depressed state. A restlessness which is akin to anxiety is experienced when fuel stocks start to dwindle.

      5. kel says:

        Excellent K! We’re all lucky to have you on this site with your extraordinary memory and organization!

      6. kel says:

        K, that’s a great link, Controlled Chaos. HG’s answers on it are long and detailed and very nice, and a good article too.

        1. k says:

          You are welcome kel!
          The archives have some really great articles that help explain the dynamic and I enjoy pulling them up so others can read them, too.

          Thank you for your kind words. I am a librarian so those skills help in the memory and organization department.

    2. K says:

      You may find this comment helpful.

      HG Tudor
      SEPTEMBER 10, 2017 AT 16:20
      People suggest I must be lonely but I do not feel lonely.

      1. mommypino says:

        I would believe that to be true. If you are not wired to seek and create attachments, you wouldn’t feel lonely. You don’t need to connect with anybody.

        But narcs always need us to validate that their construct is admirable and powerful. But not because they feel lonely but because they need validation.

        That’s probably why some narcs who do not have the sources of fuel end up living reclusively, watching movies, and daydreaming all day. They don’t need to socialize because they don’t feel lonely, they have no need to. But they can daydream or fantasize about beong powerdul or admirable all day. That’s how my matrinarc is now.

      2. G. says:

        Yes you do .

      3. kel says:

        Thank you K, You’re amazingly accurate!

      4. K says:

        Thank you Kel!
        I strive for accuracy and information transferral.

  15. NarcAngel says:

    Well done on the 12 MILLION HG.

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