The Narcissistic Path – Part One
Most people come to understand that the engagement with our kind consists of three stages. Seduction, devaluation and the discard. Whilst this is correct, in essence, there is more to the narcissistic entanglement which you ought to be aware of as this will not only assist your understanding but it enable you to relate certain key occurrences and events to your own experience of being ensnared by us. This path should always be considered with regard to how you fit in to the dynamic with your narcissist and also how your particular narcissist engages with others, as the path may not be the same dependent on the nature of the narcissist and the nature of the victim.
- The Targeting.
Our victims are all targeted. They are targeted primarily for fuel and then the provision of character traits (where applicable) and residual benefits (where applicable). The extent and duration of this targeting depends on those three factors, the nature of the narcissist and the nature of the prospective victim. For instance, I as, a Greater, see an attractive lady sat across from me on a train. I decide that fuel can be obtained from her as a tertiary source (a stranger). Since I am not angling to make her a primary or secondary source, I am not preoccupied in ascertaining her empathic, class and special traits, but rather relying on her responding positively to my overture. I do not identify any residual benefit to obtain from her and I may, if I engage in a conversation with her find a character trait to acquire as my own, if I do, all well and good, but fuel is the main aim here. I note which book she is reading. It is unfamiliar to me but I look it up on google and find some choice information which I can use for the purpose of engagement. In the space of a few minutes I have ascertained that there is a viable target and how to engage her.
If I am looking for a prospective primary source in one of my hunting grounds, the targeting progress will be of greater detail and more rigorous as explained in my book Sitting Target and once again a target is identified and time is dedicated to deciding who this target shall be and the methodology adopted.
All individuals are potential targets. Some are dispensed with as poor targets and left alone. Some are regarded as too difficult by some of our kind. Whoever we interact with that person will be assessed and then if there is potential action will be taken. The tertiary target has little investment from us, secondary sources more investment and as you would expect the person we intend to be our primary source receives the greatest investment in terms of time, intelligence and energy.
2. The Seducing (part of the Seduction Phase)
The next stage is The Seducing. You have not become attached to us when this happens but fuel starts to flow as a consequence of our overtures towards you. This is where the well-known love-bombing resides as we apply our seductive wiles, allied with the intelligence we have garnered to begin seducing you.
Once again the nature of the intended victim and the nature of the narcissist impacts on the scale and extent of this seducing. Take the tertiary target mentioned above, being the lady on the train. I decided to target her and the method of doing so in a few minutes. I catch her eye, smile and make the relevant comment about the book she is reading. That is the totality of the seducing. Short and effective.
If I was looking to seduce a primary source, the seducing would be over a longer period. If I was a Lesser, the nature of the seducing would be in the main keeping the beast under wraps and doing a handful of pleasant things for the intended primary source. As a Greater, the whole blitzkrieg of charm, magnetism and love bombing would be deployed. The compliments, the incessant messaging, the need to meet up repeatedly, the lavish gifts, the introduction of the coterie to reinforce my credentials and so on.
During the seducing we are looking for those indicators which I have written about previously which tell us that you are falling for this seducing approach of ours so we know it is working, what to keep doing and what to change.
The golden period has commenced when the seducing starts. This golden period applies for all sources be they primary, secondary or tertiary.
3. The Ensnarement (the second part of the Seduction Phase)
To put it simply, this is when we know we have got you.
Returning to the lady on the train, I know I have got her when she pays attention to me and smiles thus giving me fuel. My aim was just to get fuel. I have it. She is ensnared. I need no longer continue the seducing, but the seduction continues as we talk and she finds what I have to say interesting. The conversation covers various topics as the journey progresses and I continue to receive positive fuel from her.
With a secondary source, such as a friend, the ensnarement occurs when we determine that they refer to us a friend or confirm they will do something for us or we note they act in our best interests in some way with a third party.
With the primary source, we look for the indicators which have been written about previously which confirm to us that you are now attached to us, embedded within our control and thus the seducing has ended.
The arrival of the ensnarement is the time we reap the benefits of your fuel, character traits and residual benefits as a reward for the energy we expending during the seducing. The golden period continues. We do not have to apply the same level of concentrated effort as we did during the seducing but we continue to be loving, kind, funny, generous, pleasant, passionate et al in order to consolidate our acquisition of you as our fuel source. We are secure in the knowledge that we have embedded you and we can concentrate on enjoying your positive fuel and maintaining its flow by an adjustment here and there.
The period of ensnarement depends on the nature of the fuel source, the fuel provided and the narcissist. With the lady on the train, I get off at a station before she does and I decide that the engagement in itself was sufficient for the provision of fuel. I may have determined that whilst she was attentive and pleasant, her empathic traits were low and therefore there was no need to, for example, swap telephone numbers to maintain the connection and perhaps promote her, eventually, to a secondary source by moving from stranger to acquaintance to outer circle friend. We part ways and she is discarded but there is no devaluation. There is no need. We may never see one another ever again.
Taking the example of a tertiary source who we see intermittently, say somebody who works in a bar or shop, we would target, engage in the seducing and then achieve ensnarement. We then do not engage with them for a week. There is no discard in that instance but rather the ensnarement continues. Such a tertiary source could well remain in the ensnarement golden period for a long time.
Also you should note that a tertiary source may be targeted and determined as a viable source of negative fuel and therefore there will be no seducing stage nor an ensnarement stage but instead we jump several stages and proceed to devalue you them for the purpose of insulting the dilatory waiter in order to gain that annoyed response from him and thus his negative fuel.
Similarly, a secondary source may also be targeted and then subjected to devaluation from the off – this might be a family member or a colleague who is effectively already in a connection with us by reason of working with us or being related to us. They are less able to disconnect with us as a consequence of the existing nature of the relationship between us and them. A friend will not suffer a devaluation from the beginning as it is necessary for us to target, seduce and ensnare to cause that person to become our friend.
Naturally, the primary source cannot be devalued from the start as such a person would instantly dis-engage from us and we will lose the potential of gains after investing time and energy in the targeting of this individual.
Accordingly, the start of the narcissistic path looks like this
Primary Source – extensive targeting, the seducing, the ensnarement
(done to gain positive fuel, character traits and residual benefits)
Secondary Source (friend/family/colleague)- moderate targeting, the seducing, the ensnarement
(done to gain positive fuel, character traits and residual benefits)
Secondary Source (Family/Colleague) – low targeting, devaluation
(done to gain negative fuel)
Tertiary Source – low targeting, the seducing, the ensnarement
(done to gain positive fuel mainly, slight possibility of character traits and/or residual benefits)
Tertiary Source – low targeting, devaluation
(done to gain negative fuel)
We shall, in the next part, move on to the Stranger Zone, Devaluation, Respite and Preventative Periods.
5 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Path – Part One”
Excellent HG- I’m interested to see the follow on analysis. Since probably like most of us I reside in the later phases. Shelved appliance… Things like that.
Except for my narc relatives, my entanglement with narcs did not go beyond the first seduction part.
With the narc handyman I was just too difficult to ensnare although he really tried. I had a feeling that me being married was a bonus challenge for him that would have given him extra ego boost if he had ensnared me. I also have residual benefits that he might have been interested with. Although, I have read the hoover bar article and I’m almost 100% positive that he will never hoover because of the actions I have taken like showing happy family and church pictures on my FB in public in case he checks on me. So I feel safe now.
I’m slightly embarrassed to confess though, that except for the handyman and my mom, I the empath, was the one stealing character traits and residual benefits from the narcs I encountered.
I briefly dated a wealthy cerebral narc before I migrated to the US. He was a few years younger than me, he was from a wealthy Indian family so I knew that he would never marry me because he had to marry an Indian woman. I think I was his dirty little secret, but we were never intimate. I was so sheltered by my matrinarc that I was never allowed to date. I think she wanted me to be an old maid and take care of her forever. So when I was applying to immigrate to the US, I thought it might be embarrassing to date someone here and only for the guy to find out that I don’t even know how to kiss except for a little peck. So since this narc have always shown interest on me since we met a few years back from a student leadership forum that he organized, I thought I will date him and maybe he will kiss me so I could learn how to kiss and also learn how to go on a date with a guy. I was already 26 yrs old here. He took me to these amazingly fancy places and he taught me about wines and cheese and which pairs with which. He also taught me so much about Indian history and culture. But he never kissed me. At times I was so sure that I was going to be kissed only for him to start talking about India again. The only time we had skin contact was when he asked me to feel how cold his hands were. I was wondering if he wanted me to initiate but I couldn’t because I have never done it myself. I guess trying to lose virginity to a cerebral narc was not the brightest plan. But at that time I was not aware ir narcissists. When I hear that word I just picture Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Now I know it was a blessing in disguise that nothing happened between me and him that would have made me attached to him before I moved to the US. He didn’t think that I was going to get the US citizenship but I did.
Then from my sisted who grew up affluently I have picked up a lot of great traits that I didn’t have because I grew up in poverty. I am grateful to her for that. She was actually really fun and wonderfully talented.
I totally agree with the first two stages. The seduction and devaluation. As far as the discard… not so much. I would love for my narc to discard me! We are married and have been together for 16 years. I no longer am intimate with him. He repulses me. In every way. Even the way he breathes. I’ve even told him I’m done with him. He just keeps acting as though none of it is true. It’s as though he is terrified to lose me. I’ve provided his fuel perfectly… better then perfect actually. I believe he is aware he will not find my kind again. So he lives in a delusional world of fantasy. Is this possible for your kind to be afraid to let go?
There is no disengagement trigger so your narc will not discard you.
The narcissistic relationship is forever, when you have a chance read this article.
This is a nice example of gas lighting:
He just keeps acting as though none of it is true.
And this statement below indicates that he doesn’t want to let go of his fuel source (you: the appliance), not for the time being, until he finds a suitable replacement.
It’s as though he is terrified to lose me.