I am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See


There is a vast emptiness inside of me.

Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.

I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.

That must not happen.

In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.

I cannot have emptiness.

This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.

The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.

One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?

Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.

The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.

You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.

I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.

This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.

You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.

8 thoughts on “I am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See

  1. Elena says:

    What does the vile creature say that you must silence? How is this different than the ruthless self-deprecation of a major depression?

  2. Saara says:

    Can you please make a video on narcissistic friendship between man and women. It turns out that I got attacked because I knew all along about his “feelings” for me, so I manipulated him, lied to him, used him etc even though non of it is true. It was the other way around. So can narcissistic men be asexual and do they engage I friendships – no sexual what so ever with the opposite sex?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A friendship between a narcissist and someone else whether they are male or female is that between narcissist and non intimate secondary source and has been covered in various articles.

  3. Twilight says:

    I show you what you don’t want to see….

  4. lisa says:

    HG, So the creature is the real you ?

  5. Antje says:

    I have been, in the past, at a cross roads, where I could chose to either run away from the void inside myself or face it, in the expectation of being swallowed up. And the secret lies right here, H.G.: once you go into the void, with the help of a therapist, you will realize that you will not disappear. It is painful to feel all the feelings at first, yes that is true. But you will not disappear. On the other side of learning to bear the temorary feenlings of despair, lies the gift of your true self, which with nurturing from your self has the potential to grow into a self confident being, without the need of a mask. On top of that, true joy and happiness await you. But you have got to be brave enough to face the monster and realize that it’s only power lies in the fear it creates in you. It has you by the short hairs. This fear you have of it is the only thing thtt separates you from the ” normal” people in this world. It separates you through the fear from true and lasting joy and your own true power of your self, and finding true love. Doesn’t it tempt you to never have to look for fuel anymore, but to be able to generate it for yourself instead? When you find yourself your seeking will be at an end, for you will have what you have been looking for all along. The creature cannot destroy you, but it is controlling you by letting you think so. In the end you are being controlled by the creature just as much as you are controlling an empathy. Yu rejoice in the power you feel over another human just as much as the creature enjoys controlling you. It’s only fear, there is nothing there but old painful memories. Let them come to the light and the creature will dissolve. Read the book:”The whizzard of Earth sea”. It is the very same story as mine was and yours is, in form of a very powerful novel.” Be the first Narcissist in the world to take on the challenge, to conquer you fear, and to face that creature which is insubstantial in the end. Painful, yes. But so conquer able. Many gifts await those that dare to face their dark creature. All of us have it live Inside of us. Narcissists are more controlled by it than anybody. You think you have power, but you don’ t as long as you are afraid of a mere shadow which has the illusion of strength and solidity. I wish you truly best of luck. Everyone deserves to be free from such tremendous fear.

  6. Kim e says:

    I would certainly categorize that as codependency. I think you need us way more than we need you. We just need to get you out of our heads where right now you are stuck and I cant shake you.

  7. Leslie says:

    No external things can save you.

    It must come from a decision you make for yourself to do the very thing you resist most….change from within.

    How ironic is that? Lol.

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