5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses

5HOWLINGWILDERNESSES

Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

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44 thoughts on “5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses”

  1. I know my ex husband wants to get married again in life. Is it possible for there to be a woman who can put up with his narcissism without becoming subjected to it by being completely controlled by him and losing herself mentally and emotionally; and at the same time be an amazing stepmom for my son?

  2. Dear 69revolver,
    I have tried to explain a “narcissist” to those of my inner sanctum and some…. it falls on deaf ears ..they go …. yeah.. ah hah … hmmmmmm its not sinking in
    I’m viewed as obsessive in my research and learnings
    “Why do you keep reading this crap, it’s not good for you….. if you stop reading it..then you’ll stop thinking about it and get it out of your head…. it’s affecting you..you’re not the same anymore”
    Nobody and I mean nobody gets it…until they’ve experienced it
    Sorry to say

    Mr Tudor…. you have really serious work to do …. to get people to hear, listen understand and act upon
    The stigma with “narcissism” is not taken seriously … people just don’t hear it, accept it or get it

    It’s very frustrating to say the least …it’s all around us …. yet it’s not getting thru…media covers it up by other layers of abuse, paedophiles murder ….. blah blah blah ….. the list goes on

    It’s out there being floated around like cloud …. but it’s still fades into oblivion
    Why isn’t “narcissism” being taken seriously Mr Tudor and how do we fix it ?
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Bubbles
      I agree. Its frustrating often in a one on one to help someone understand. If they can’t relate they tend to tune out or think it’s just our personal problem. Interestingly though, most people will respond to what they read in the media as true. In that regard we can spread the word by participating in the comments section after an article to offer that it sounds like it may be related to narcissism and providing a link to narcsite. People may still disregard or they may go further just as you did when you researched narcissism in reading about the military. We can plant seeds and leave a trail for those who are open. It can be part of our legacy as empaths to direct people and provide a solution for those after us.

      1. Dearest NarcAngel,
        Thank you gorgeous one for your response …..you are so very right
        I will continue to potter around and tend to my garden planting seeds and leaving trails… and see what pops up ..haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. ‘We can plant seeds and leave a trail for those who are open. It can be part of our legacy as empaths to direct people and provide a solution for those after us.’

        Wow NA, that’s inspirational!
        And beautifully written.
        Yes we can!

    2. There is a tag line to The Lotto “You have to be in it to win it”.

      The Narc Lotto is only understood if you were / are in it:-

      I won the Golden ticket!!!!!

      Oooooo let’s celebrate!! Fillet mignon, could eat this every day! The best feeling in the World!

      I’ve lost the ticket! It will turn up again!!??!!

      I’ll remain positive! I’ll give him Sirloin, it is good, not quite as good, but good.

      The ticket is lost! It may turn up again!

      Let’s make the best of it I’ll offer a nice piece of Rump, taken but treated as worthless.

      The ticket has expired…

      Cheeseburger thrown across the room at me.

      A Golden Ticket has been found in the area!!! He gone to find it!

      Is it ours? Should of it been ours? If ours will be come back with it?

      No! Eating Fillet Steak at the new place in town.

      I have mince!

      I am resourceful, I can make lots of dishes, sometimes bland, sometimes with a bit of spice. There is warmess, comfort and safeness to cottage pie you realise Steak gets stuck in your throat.

      1. Good analogy Original Overthinker.
        Everyone does well to leave before they get a can of homebrand cat food thrown at them. That’s really rock bottom. That even states ‘not for human consumption’ on it.

    3. Bubbles, I think you answered your own question….no one “gets it” because narcissism is damn near indescribable. Personality disorders in general are very confusing. Everything about them is subtle & nuanced.
      And I’ve felt people blaming *me* for having stayed in the relationship for 5-yrs. “But didn’t you see???” No. No I sure didn’t.

      HG coined the term, “Salami slicing.” That’s how we find ourselves in such a horrid situation with them. Slice by slice….they groom us. Little by little. Conniving SOB’s they are.

      And Trauma Bonding? How do you even make sense of THAT one? But we all definitely know what it is. I dare say we fight it for the rest of our lives, “until one of us draws our last breath.” It’s an insidious condition.

      To your example, “pedophilia.” As disgusting as it is, to explain the definition to people is rather easy to do. Even explaining the eitiology isn’t difficult (the perp was likely sexually abused as a child himself).

      Don’t demand of yourself the ability to explain/describe narcissism to others. Truly, you have to live it to understand it. And I want to say, “Lucky you that you have no clue what it is.”

      I’ve directed many people to HG. And I concentrate on my own healing, whether people get me or not.

      Peace out Narcs. ✌🏻

      1. Dear 69Revolver,
        I just luv all the individuality and wealth of information provided by you sweeties ….. you’re are amazing
        Thank you lovely
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. HG,

    if a mid range, high functioning narcissist sometimes has a need to go to internet forums and attack random anonymous people talking on very different random topics (shaming them, showing they are wrong, proving their ignorance, causing fights) and he can do it for a few hours and then it stops for a few days or a few weeks – is it a manifestation of his fury? Does he do it because something in real life wounded him or caused frustration and this is his way to draw negative fuel from other people and heal the wound? Or maybe he is not wounded but doesn’t get positive attention elsewhere, is not well fuelled so causing fights online is the easiest way for him to draw some fuel?

    1. It may well indeed be the result of having been wounded and being unable to attack the person who wounded him, so he basically turns his ‘weapons’ on others and adopts a scattergun approach in a frenzy caused by this wounding and his ignited fury.

  4. HG, what do narcissists think of when seeing people in love? Like in healthy, stable relationship, real love.

    Do you think it’s nonsense? Or do you envy that others are able to love? Or could you actually not sense the love, I mean you think it is some illusions like you do or just fake.. or could you not at all recognise that THAT is true love cause you don’t and can’t feel it..

    1. Most narcissists will be jealous of their contentment. Most narcissists do not know what they are and therefore they believe in love even though they cannot love.

      1. HG
        Most of them do not know what they are. Do they know that they cannot love and just think they haven’t yet met the right person?

  5. Pingback: 5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses ⋆ NarcTopia | NarcTopia
  6. “Besides, I am terrified of change.”

    Ditto. Why can’t things be the way I want them to be, dammit?! Oh well… I don’t possess the incredible amount of energy it takes to control your self and manipulate the world around you like a narc (of the higher echelons) does, so I’ll continue to cope in other ways.

    I wonder though, HG, have you ever heard of someone becoming a narcissist at a later stage in life? I know that certain disorders can manifest in adulthood, due to some trigger or other. Is it possible to be a narcissist who is socialised in a way to not exhibit the typical narcy behaviour? E.g. can a narcissist be conditioned to feel/internalise shame/guilt (I’m not talking about remorse!)?

  7. It is said that life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. However, looking back on a long marriage filled with narcissistic abuse, had I had access to this article and understood that this was my world, I would have had my instruction pamphlet.
    Alas, you sometimes have to experience the abuse before you can really understand what is happening IF you don’t have any help.
    I couldn’t save the younger me from an evil, manipulative covert narc partner due to my lack of resources, but I certainly have the tools to mentor someone else who may be walking the path of this kind of emotional abuse. Thank you H. G. for so many answers and for clarity.

    1. Oh, I forgot to add, “Thank you HG. for one of the rare situations in life where we do get an instruction manual.” The Narcissist’s Behaviors Guidebook.

    2. Hi Grace,
      I’m glad for you that you’ve found narcsite and some answers.
      I found a huge amount of validation here for the pain I experienced with a covert/victim N-sister.
      I’ve been looking through my journals as I work through PTSD (primarily from N-abuse of two others in my life, but she has greatly contributed to the damage) and found I’d written in 2014:
      “I had a dream last night where I saw that if I have anything more to do with my sister, it will be like me getting into a coffin with a corpse”.
      I’d forgotten about that. (My friends would say “your sister has ISSUES”. They could label the spite and jealousy, but none of us knew what the pus-laden cause of it was). It was shown to be accurate, and HG validated it for me. I can now stand against the pressure/manipulation from my Dad to keep trying to make a relationship with her work.

      All of your insight and all of your pain will definitely be able to benefit others. I appreciate you sharing your experience here. I wish you continued healing and real love for your future.

      1. Hi Caroline,
        Thank you so much for your kind, positive comments. Thank you for sharing your story too.
        If I can share a little more of my journey, perhaps it could give you some more insight.
        After I recognized that my ex was most likely a greater, malignant narcissist, I eventually realized my large family of origin was also narcissistic.
        Growing up, I knew some things just weren’t right about the family dynamics, but I didn’t have the understanding of what that was. The way narcs treated me in my life, I always felt like I was the servant and they acted like they were a class above and needed to put me in my place.
        Over three years ago, I sent a simple email to my family members stating that I was kicked out of the family by my mom because she didn’t like the fact that I asked her to respect my boundaries. I asked that no one contact me in any form of communication or have their relatives do it. it was funny how they all ignored me for over a year until I escaped and then made this request and then they have done everything they can think of to get me to correspond with them. The tone of their communication suggested that they wanted to get me back in my scapegoat role. I stayed no contact. What is weird is that I felt my next younger sister was a much kinder and loving person than she turned out to be. After not hearing from this sibling for well over two years, I got an email message through an account I have that they had never used before. I couldn’t believe the vile and ugly words that my sister used to berate me. I am still confused on what her point was in her email,, except to hurl ugliness . It made me realize that the narcissism in my family is woven deep. I feel much happier being without a toxic family. I am and will always be thescapegoat. The people I come from are disrespectful, unloving, jealous and downright mean to one another. You don’t have to be a part of that just to feel like you have a family. Sometimes the relatives you think are okay turn out to be toxic too, and that is sometimes a rude awakening. If they are not toxic but just don’t understand that wanting you to be in a relationship with a disordered sibling is not healthy for you, you don’t have to convince them. We are not obligated to be punching bags for the people that share our dna. Just follow your gut and and be your own advocate and find your peace.

  8. Sadly , this is exactly what I’ve experienced with him , from start to finish of this brilliantly written article .

    I still mean to set up a counsel with you , HG TUTOR ~
    Life keeps happening to me
    ( one thing after another , its always ” something ” ) , & time seems to get away from me .

    Once money issues are settled , I DO plan to make arrangements for a counseling session with you .

  9. Can’t get any clearer than that.
    One to keep on high rotation.
    You’re a great writer. Magnificent writing on the whole.

    The final sentence will keep stringing any empath along.

  10. I constantly told him I’m not the enemy, I remember clearly feeling like I have to try harder – support and love him more.

    Fuel is everything – I learned this – the day he turned up to my work dressed in a cock outfit waiting for me by my car ready to humiliate me in front of my colleagues. They couldn’t stop laughing! He loved the attention from them and also the passing cars tooting at him.

    I thought it was funny to begin with, but when I saw him up close and could see his eyes – dark and glaring – he got angry because I didn’t greet him with a kiss and I wasn’t upset… I knew then he wasn’t doing this for fun.

    The golden period was magical. I hate the grip on me.
    I have an addiction I am keeping at bay, this place is like my AA. I find it particularly tough at this time of year 🙁
    I also thought I could be the ONE who helps him, note I didn’t say change, but help to address certain behaviours that were killing me, killing us. That alone, kept me there for a long time – way past our best before date.

    I wish he could change, I wish you could change or at least attempt to conquer those fears that keep that little boy fighting the world.

  11. I am out, but crushed trying to make some sort of sense of it.

    He is with someone else and I think trying to make it work. A la ageing narcissist article. I saw them holding hands, laughing, it devastated me, after 5 years. (Golden period, she has left her husband for him, they work together) However, came around me sniffing for sex 2 days later, I think out of entitlement (I didn’t know about her, however all makes sense now his disappearing blowing hot and cold excuses). When I told him i knew, the devaluation of me, the things said were awful. He has gone no contact and I don’t exist to him.

    When you go into another relationship, do you believe they are the one (He is a Mid Ranger). Until they piss you off?

    Or do you know it is a game from the Get go.

    Thank you x

    1. Original Overthinker
      This comment may be helpful.

      Lori
      JULY 23, 2018 AT 01:50
      HG
      Every time you identify a new target and you are in the seduction phase do you believe that they really are “the one ” every time ?

      HG Tudor
      JULY 23, 2018 AT 09:50
      With the Candidate IPSS, yes.

    2. OO, I believe they (MR) know deep down that they are different. They know – but they don’t know how and what to do to change it. Yes, it is a good possibility that he came back out of feelings of entitlement. In his world, you still belong to him.
      I believe he devalued you because you made him feel his carefully hided shame. He cannot bear to feel that, so it is projected into you (by devaluing you).
      The attention the other woman is giving him is healing his wounds, for the moment. It will not last.
      I wish you the best. You better stay away now. His actions are not directed at you in the first place. His actions are motivated by the need to repair his ego, to restore his (false) sense of self-worth – to reconstruct the mask/false self. That is what drives him, and will most probably drive him forever, sadly enough.

      1. Thank you full of sense and logic, it has made me cry.

        Stupid arse me, knew there were wounds, how deep they went I did not know.

        Soft arse Empath me, wanted to fill with love, care, fun, joy, passion, sex (lots of, my addiction, I now realise and miss!).

        All that in the wounds went septic and infected me also.

        His recovery is a quick wash out with anti bacterial, kills 99% of bacteria / Me. Cover the wound with a massive golden Plaster (I’m English) / Band Aid. IP either PS / SS is the brand of choice.

        Some brands are better than others, my belief that some brands last forever, I wanted to be that brand and failed.

        I obviously peeled at the edges, pulling hairs, becoming an irritatant, leaving a dirty mark, something not to be seen.

        I suppose in time the new and improved plaster might start to fail. There is always the chance that this plaster won’t fail and has healing properties.

        My narc infected wounds were invisible started from the inside out. Left with Post viral chronic fatigue and prone to self harm of over thinking / emotional thinking.

        No quick fixes, prescription of HG, nice people therapy, reading, logic.

      2. OO, the other woman will not be the one that heals him, or the one that lasts. Lovers can’t heal narcissists.

        If a narcissist ever comes to recognise that he needs to be healed, he has to work on it with a therapist, not with a lover. Lovers are providers of attention, of fuel, and are in need of validation themselves. That makes them sensitive to manipulation.

        “I obviously peeled at the edges, pulling hairs, becoming an irritatant, leaving a dirty mark, something not to be seen.”
        This hit me. The shame you feel as a result of him shielding you out, of devaluing you. I wish I could convince you that you are worth to be seen, that you are beautifully compassionate, that you matter. That your only ‘mistake’ is that you want someone to care for you, and that you wanted to care for him. That is not a mistake. It is a deep felt human need.

        I wish I could make you see that his abilities to care are damaged. He only knows two options: idealise and devalue. Both are executed following HIS needs, not yours. He cannot care. He can help himself in a stunted way. Not you.

        Take care, OO. You are strong. Hang on there. Take care of yourself.

      3. Shesaw,
        Well said.
        I’ve read your comments with Original O/T’s quite a few times over the last two days. Your insight and kindness has a soothing effect on the reader. Me, specifically.
        I wish you love and peace for your Christmas celebrations, and happiness and success in the year ahead.

      4. Hi Caroline,
        Thank you for reading my comment and for your kind reaction. I am happy to hear it soothened you!
        Thanks for your wishes, they soothened me in return. It helps me visualising a better year then last one. I wish you all the same ❤️️

  12. So today, I find myself trying to explain a “narcissist” to my friend. She can’t understand “what that is” and she asks me a million questions. She wants to “go to lunch soon” so she can pick my brain even more. But I love the woman & her innocence so…..ok.

    She’s been married for 25-years. They have three children, one adopted from Russia. The behavioral problems with that child are almost insurmountable. But the two of them knew what they were getting into & fell in love with her anyway. Two trips to Russia they had to make but they wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s a “burden of love.”

    My friend & her husband are tight. Really tight. They read each other effortlessly it seems. She sees his eyes whenever she emerges from the shower & she knows what’s rolling around in his brain. She giggles to me that if not that morning (as she’s always running late for work), he’ll have her that night. They’re copasetic.

    One thing I’ve always known about a Narc victim (myself included)—she becomes desperate for him. Eventually, it always happens. My friend, she’s not desperate for her husband.
    My friend’s husband casts such adoring eyes upon her….it’s as if no one else is around. I always feel like a third wheel with these two. They reach for each other’s hand at the same time. It’s understood.

    So, unfortunately for me, she asked about my ex today. How in the world do you start with the explanation? I said “Heroin. That is all….just heroin. I’m addicted & can never go back. If I do, I’ll overdose & die.”
    I anticipated the blank stare.

    I know no other way to describe it. I can’t call up my dealer to say Hi. I can’t go on FB to see what he’s up to. I can’t drive by his house to see what other junkies are hanging out with him. I can’t pretend that I’m “strong enough” to resist the pure bliss of his drug. I can’t. Ever.

    I’ve been reviewing many of HG’s posts, trying to find the best one to send her, the one that explains it all. He puts into words most things I can’t. This post comes close. But I’m still reviewing.

    It’s a damn shame I even have to do this. And ironically, today marks the 300th day since I spoke my very last word to him. And now I find myself trying to explain him.

    1. I don’t think you will be able to explain.

      As an Empath you are often seen as over sensitive. So it is just you being over sensitive again, when you explain the Hell of them and the Hell of the damage caused.

      So the Narc and sometimes comments from friends / family as well meaning as they are meant to be make you question is it you that is the problem.

      I think I am just not meant for this current World.

      Sorry making this about me, this is my therapy and vents it out. When nobody understands not even myself to be fair.

      As I was typing this two words came up in predictive panel that made me think. I was born in the early 70’s.

      When I was 10, I can remember because my parents has just moved house and it was with my new neighbour we used to do “swaps” “got it, need,need” I collected “Love Is” stickers and the sticker book a little nude couple. Then my Teddy collection was Forever Friends. I must of been born a incurable romantic.

      1. Original, oh yes I agree, a narc relationship is impossible to explain. Although, I explained to my friend he’s my addiction. And anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.
        My cravings have subsided exponentially & my life is healthier due to NC. But I’ve no doubt, just because I’m “stronger” doesn’t mean I could maintain if we started “just talking” again. NC should be reworded, NCF, “No Contact Forever.” Just as it should be.

        So, we’ll all just go along in life, accepting that no one will understand what we’ve endured…unless they’ve suffered as well. And I’m happy for them—they don’t know what I know.

    2. 69R
      I remember saying I felt addicted to narcex before I even knew what he was. And still, after months of NC I know that I cannot ever again speak to him or break contact. It still makes me very sad, maybe especially so because he was not physically nor verbally abusive. I don’t even miss the sex (anymore) as much as I miss talking to him. But I don’t know why I miss that because everything he ever said was a lie. A more proficient liar there never was. We’re talking about a 60 year old man. And NO ONE understands this. It’s so frustrating and there’s really no support.

      1. Wissh, no, there’s little to no support. So, that’s why you have HG. And all of us who, unfortunately relate to his writings all too well.
        We need support groups in our cities. “NVA,” Narc Victims Anonymous. Heck, I’d be a group facilitator.

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