The Dozen of Dismay



You are people of emotion. Not only do you experience a wide range of emotions, both good and bad, you experience emotion frequently. Your emotional output is heightened, intense and superior to that of “normal” people. You allow emotions to govern you, you are very much in touch with them and you will struggle to keep them under control, masked and hidden. These qualities which apply to the empath, super empath and co-dependent in increasing amounts make you the ideal targets for us. This is for two reasons. The first, naturally, is because your copious emotional output amounts to delicious and potent fuel for us. Our lifeblood. You are necessary to sustain our existence for it is through you that we are able to gain a sense of existence, your fuel powering what we are, what we wish to portray and that which we wish to banish. Fuel is the most important factor, but it is not the sole factor. The second reason why we require such emotional individuals to connect with (and especially in the role as intimate partner primary source) is that your emotional condition allows us to exert control over you. The exertion of control allows us to maintain our sense of superiority. This superiority allows us to paralyse you and keep you in this emotional state. Thus the cycle continues until such time as the emotional output drops below that level which is acceptable to us. By ensuring that you remain emotional, we prevent you from seeing the reality of what is happening to you. We ensure that your decision making is not borne of cool, hard logic. You are prevented from moving forward. You are prevented from escaping us. This is why so much of our manipulative behaviour is focused on provoking emotional responses from you. For fuel and for control. We must control our environment if we are to exist and this means controlling our appliances, including you as primary source.

As with so much of the narcissistic entanglement, the preservation of an emotional state is achieved through steps which we take but also as a consequence of traits which are particularly evident in your kind, as compared to normal people. These actions and traits combine through our daily interactions. They permeate everything that we say and do. Our manipulation relies on the existence of these items in order to maximise their effect and keep you in an emotional state. These actions and traits exist in the entanglement between my kind and your kind so that the dance continues, the hold is maintained and the emotion pours forth. We look to apply these actions in all our manipulations. We look to capitalise on these traits in you. Together there is an effective combination which ultimately creates your dismay and thus the emotional state we crave in you. There are twelve of these actions and traits; six from us and six from you.

  1. Generalising. We use this to maintain our superiority and belittle you. By generalising we make it sound as if we are the ones who can do no wrong and you are the ones who are always in the wrong. Thus we will make comments such as: –

“You never tell me that you love me.”

“I always am the one who has to sort things out.”

“Everybody thinks that you are horrible to me.”

“You never let me do what you want.”

Such broad brush and wide-ranging allegations are issued with total conviction in order to have considerable effect on you.

  1. Future Prediction. You are apt to base what you think the future should be based on what has happened already. This invariably means that because you have experienced the joy and wonder of the golden period that you expect that the relationship should continue in a similar vein in the future and thus you have a raised (and ultimately unrealistic) expectation by placing your hopes and decisions on the past rather than the present.
  2. Past Transgressions. We revel in raking up the past about you in order to suggest that you have done something wrong. If you have committed some wrong in the past (whether it is minor or major in nature) we are always able to remember it and we will keep digging it up. We never bury anything dead. We will also invent past transgressions which we perceive you to have committed, after all, you are not doing what we want, you are no longer idealised and therefore you must have done something wrong, yes? These inventions will be vague and amorphous in nature.
  3. Black and White Thinking. A dizzying and disorientating response to the perceived criticism which you hurl at us repeatedly so that you will be hero one moment, then zero the next. We do not operate in the grey when it comes to our view of you and others. You are either white or black. Then white again. Before becoming black once more. Often in the space of minutes.
  4. Closed Mind. We operate with a closed mind. We know best. We know the right things to do. We do not listen to anybody, least of all you, because you are a traitor, a moron and a fool. This prevents us from dealing with your challenges and heads off any sensible and credible suggestions you may happen to make about a situation which might undermine our sense of superiority
  5. Catastrophic Thinking. You engage in this as a consequence of an inherent nature to be like this but we engender and cultivate it through our conditioning of you. Since our responses when devaluing you are disproportionate (from your perspective) you then become used to the fact that when something goes wrong, it will go very wrong indeed. This causes you to always assume the worst which increases your anxiety and emotional responses.
  6. Irrational Fear. Again as a consequence of the mind games that we play with you, you find yourself second-guessing, questioning and obsessing over everything that is said and done which result in your acquiring an irrational fear. You will find something to worry about in the slightest remark or expression. Once upon a time you will never have done so, but your entanglement with us causes this to happen and with it the emotion flows.
  7. Projection. We project repeatedly by accusing you of doing the very things which we are guilty of ourselves. This is an instinctive response by us and is not only a form of defence but it also causes you to be put on the back foot as you seek to justify your own behaviour and find yourself bewildered to be accused of the act yourselves. Your response is one of astonishment, amazement, upset and annoyance. All good for the emotional quota.
  8. Blame-shifting. Another stock behaviour of our kind borne out of our need to avoid culpability for anything, which accords with our sense of entitlement. Thus it is always somebody else’s fault. Usually yours. This allows us to castigate you and causes you to react in a similar way to when we project.
  9. Never Looking Back. We are too busy driving forward to contemplate our navels and mull over events. We do not operate in this manner, but you do. Your propensity to reflect, consider and assess means that you dwell on matters for too far long and in so doing you paralyse yourselves.
  10. Mea Culpa. Not only do we blame you for everything you also engage in blaming yourself. You need to find answers to why things happen and if we are blame-shifting and rejection any suggestion that it is down to us, you then have a habit of accepting that you must be at fault somehow. It gets worse however. You do not just shrug and accept you are to blame, but you beat yourselves up trying to figure out what it is, spending time and energy working out why you are at fault.
  11. The Fixer. Your desire to fix everything, to heal and make good, means that you cannot walk away readily from situation where you would do well to do so. Instead you remain in the firing lane, in the furnace, in the midst of battle as the manipulations continue and with it the increased emotion that follows.


A dozen reasons. Six from us. Six from you. Twelve acts and conditions which result in your continued emotional state.

18 thoughts on “The Dozen of Dismay

  1. HappyTimesAhead says:

    Reminds me of when I tried to reason (ha!) with hex, question or defend myself he would respond “oh, but you’re always the victim”. I should have listened more closely to what he actually meant 😱

  2. Kathleen says:

    Fabulous! These are excellent HG. Definitely experienced all of them.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. Kathleen says:

        HG- just noticed your picture- new? Are you left handed???? (I am-with some ambidextrous-ness)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am ambidextrous, but my left is the dominant hand.

      2. Kel says:


  3. Kel says:

    I want to be Normal & live a normal life! HG, please tell me, how would I interact with a narcissist if I was a Normal?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a redundant questions because you are an empath. A normal can be ensnared as well, although they are less likely to remain ensnared for as long.

      1. Kel says:

        It seems as if it’s wrong to be an empath. Do we make the world a more loving place, or do we just carry the weight of the world on our shoulders? If we learn to control our emotions rather than them controlling us, does that give us an equal balance emotionally, more like a Normal? These are questions, not observations.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Seems like we both (empaths and narcs) exist to make the normals look……well…..normal. They’ve just been coasting silently along while laughing and making faces behing our backs to one another. We make them what they are: BORING
          Haha, now I hate normals. If narcs and empaths ever join forces, the normals are fucked.
          The Anti-normal SuperNova.

        2. windstorm says:

          Well it probably comes as no surprise that I don’t think it’s wrong to be an empath. Lol!

          We CAN learn to control our emotions rather than them controlling us. We can also learn how to pull away and not try to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. But thanks be to God, that doesn’t make us “normal.”

          I agree with NarcAngel that normals are boring. They miss out on so much. We can see beauty and wonder around us that they just overlook. We see the flowers and the colors that they miss. We experience the atmosphere in restaurants and other places while they are oblivious.

          Our greatest gift as empaths, in my opinion, is that we are not trapped within ourselves, thinking only about our lives and our problems and desires, plodding along toward our goals like a horse pulling a cart. We constantly feel the potential all around us and we automatically interact with others to both share their joys and ease their sorrows. That is not wrong; that is a blessing.

          1. MB says:

            I feel inhibited and misunderstood by my “normal” life partner. I feel like I can’t be myself within the confines of the relationship. He loves my kind and forgiving heart, but he doesn’t understand it. It’s like living with a person that doesn’t speak your language.

          2. windstorm says:

            I have always felt inhibited and misunderstood, too. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone that I thought really understood me. All my life I’ve been considered weird and “out there.” I learned to embrace it early on. The best I’ve ever achieved is for people to understand one or a few aspects of my character. Different people understand different aspects. But only in my imagination will I ever meet anyone who totally understands me – heck, I’m not certain that I totally understand myself!

            I have never had a relationship where I could totally be myself either. I probably come closest with my Pretzel, but that’s just because he doesn’t give a rats ass about me being wrong or believing garbage.

            People who care about us want us to do the “right” things, be the “right” way, want the “right” things. The problem is that we will never 100% agree with anyone else on exactly what all those “right” things are.

            I don’t feel that I can be myself within the confines of any relationship. That’s why I live alone. But I’m sure not offering that as a solution.

      2. kel says:

        Thank you for your positive viewpoint Windstorm. I guess we focus a lot on the negativity here, and it just started to sound like we’re fools for being empaths. We are truly the strongest and bravest of all for the burdens we shoulder for others, but we are the light of the world and we have the best, joyous laughters of anyone.

      3. Kel says:

        WS, that is very cool and honest. I understand that too, because people often want to fit me into a pigeonhole or expect me to conform to their fantasy version of me. I’ve really had enough of it, and am beginning to feel comfortable being myself. Other people should worry more about what I think of them maybe, and less about what I eat, drink, wear, say or do.

      4. K says:

        I feel the same. I speak Empathy and very few people IRL understand me but most of the people on narcsite are fluent in Empathy so it is safe to speak it here.

  4. Tammychardsofglass says:

    Emotions still scare me, but not as bad as they once did. I’ve now moved into the part where if I make a bad decision, I can blow it off a little easier and move forward instead of letting myself just hang there with everything hanging out, or having my heart bleed so much from my sleeve.
    Thanks, HG, because of your works I’ve learned, and still am learning so much about how our world’s meet up and become enmeshed.
    Life never ceases to amaze, but my life is starting to become a little more grounded and manageable.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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