The Fading Narcissist
Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away?
I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.
The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.
The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.
A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.
The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others) and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.
Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.
Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.
The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.
If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.
A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –
- Secure a new primary source immediately;
- Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
- Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.
The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.
22 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist”
does this mean that narciassist (let’s say a Mid Range N), who is currenlty low on fuel (lost his job, sitting at home all day) and doesn’t have many secondary and territary sources of fuel will start devaluing his girlfriend earlier then the one who has a good carrier and many different appliances in his fuel matrix?
In other words – if you start something with narcissist when he is “on the wave” in his life (good carrier, many friends, family) it is more likely that he will be able to give you longer golden period and all these dirty devaluation games will start a little bit later? Because he is less frustrated with his life, he dosn’t have the need to lash out often (or if he has he can lash out at other people, not the IPPS)?
Potentially yes because he will have a greater reliance on the IPPS than usual and therefore either
1. That greater reliance means the positive fuel will become staler faster ; or
2. The IPPS may not be providing enough fuel (quantity and/or frequency) and this becomes all the more blatant owing to the diminished size of the fuel matrix re secondary and tertiary sources.
It makes sense. Thanks!
Social emotional education is becoming standard curriculum for children in schools globally as well as a variety of platforms for adults.
As people gain these skills, narcs will really start to fade out.
Religion, a bastion of narcissist abuse, is also becoming an outdated artifact.
Fair observations, we will not really start to fade out however, social media is the new religion.
Unfortunately it is not really the case . Mass media is indoctrinating more and more pronounced narcissistic values into society.
Making it easier for people with NPD to blend in society and go unnoticed being their behaviour justified as being “the norm” for those with even more pronounced narcissistic traits.
The present narcissistic society is acting like the best camouflage for people with NPD. They move through like fish in water. It is a prefect habitat for them.
A society where “the end justifies the means “is becoming the norm :
Top executives of huge enterprises leaving thousands of employees unemployed just in a blink of an eye just for the sake of the economy of the company.
The existence of detention camps such as Guantanamo Bay ( major breach in human rights) where people are detained without a trial and torture is allowed just for the sake of….what?
Just to mention a few, the list is long.
Yes it is true that social emotional education is becoming standard in schools but the double message they get is creating in them a sense of disconnection instead of integration increasing perhaps their vulnerability .
The best would be to limit all access to all social media to children and youngsters but THAT is easier said than done( knowing that as a mother of two lovely sons).
Believe me, I am tired of it as well.
Agree. We are turning towards more narcissism – not away, and social media is feeding it so that it is multiplying at a dizzying rate.
Yes NarcAngel and the awareness of that should begin here….
Curiously, all this writing brought to my mind two of my favourite books by George Orwell:
“1984”with neologisms as Thoughtcrime,fictional characters as Big Brother, Ingsoc the ruling party, etc.)
and “Animal Farm”.
Both of them worth reading.
So true what you said about mass media indoctrinating more narcissistic values making it easier for narcissists to blend in society. Even empaths show a lot of narcissistic traits because it is becoming the norm.
Thank you mommypino!
Catholic Church sexual abuse and I’m sure other abuses. But a lack of religion is probably what’s wrong with the world and people today. Not organizations that think for you- even the Bible warns against that- and Jesus was against the narcissistic church leaders in his time and confrontations over their stupid made-up rules. But the world needs God in their heart, soul and mind. Brotherly love and genuine goodness would heal a lot and it’s what is missing in the world now. God and goodness is cool.
Religion does a lot of good in humanity. It is when narcissists are able to intercept and use religion to further their prime aims. These narcissists di not believe in God but they create a facade in order to fool people. People who really believe in God are more often that not really sincere in trying to be a good person and be of service to others. This is why we need to read the Bible, our loyalty should be to God and not to any human being who is a head of any religion. For me personally, religion has helped me become a good person with all of the good social emotinal education that I learned through my religion.
Have you ever read about First Council of Nicaea 325 AD
Maybe you know the man who started me on that journey. He is intelligent, from the UK, mysterious and uses a fake account. I have been friends with him for a few years now. Has some interesting profile pictures.
In reality I am positive he is a Greater, he sure does feel like one. He inadvertently helped me right after I left my ex. I found him once, he wasn’t amused. Yet energy never lies.
I believe that some human historical figures and symbols taught and carried via religion are a genuine, real part of the human collective unconscious that we have some access to.
Hi Twilight, I’m familiar with it but I don’t have a lot if knowledge about it. We touched base on it briefly during my church history class but I just studied enough of it to get good grades. I know that there have been controversies and disagreements surrounding it. Like disagreements on whether Jesus is God or not.
So brilliant HG! Perfectly answers now why my Mid-range sister kept provoking me for negative fuel while I was helping her. She didn’t have a primary source. Her secondary source codependent bestfriend was forbidden by his wife to be around her. Her ex boyfriend remained friendly to her but he was too busy since he is very active member of our community. Our brother (a normal) told her that he’s not a shoulder to cry on. Our other sister ostracized her and our brother. So I was basically her only fuel source. Also she was punishing me for not writing her enough emails when she was working internationally.
HG, I know this might be sensitive, but I’m trying to understand, since you brought it up, why don’t you want to get rid of the creature? Why don’t you let it escape? Since you wear a mask, what are you hiding behind it? Why can’t you just let go of the past, and be the person you portray? Narcissism is about loving that reflection. Do you enjoy the manipulation more, and that’s the person you really are? Which part of you do you love, the facade or the manipulator? Thank you.
I do not need to, it is imprisoned and will never get out. I am effective as I am.
The problem is it keeps making brief appearances.
Narc world is starting to crumble. The human race is tired of the mind soul body violence.
Seriously tired of it.