5 Fears of the Narcissist


1. You will leave

You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are,  you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.

2. I am ignored

There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.

3. I am exposed

Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.

4. I grow weary

I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.

5. The creature escapes

What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..

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26 thoughts on “5 Fears of the Narcissist

  1. Becoming Observant says:

    I have observed that (upon a narcissist’s 50th birthday, none seem to like the phrase “Now you’re a midcentury classic!” It’s almost a litmus test. : )

  2. Getting There says:

    As you might be aware, there are multiple methods to teach a baby to sleep through the night. Of the multiple methods, I have heard much commentary regarding two. One is the “crying it out” method. While some swear by the success of this method, others state that this method teaches a child that no one will respond when they are crying and teach a fear of abandonment. The second method is essentially rocking the baby to sleep and responding to every cry through the night. While some advise that this helps the child feel safe, others feel that it teaches the child that it cannot self soothe and must rely on others to make them calm down. While I understand that there is a lot more to raising a child and more to a child becoming a narcissist, what are your thoughts on if there is a possible connection on sleep methods for babies and the potential development of narcissistic traits in a person?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not consider that the sleep method (either one of them) is sustained enough to have a material impact on the development of a narcissist. Might those methods cause the development of narcissistic traits, if not a narcissist? It might be argued they could be a contributing factor, but again I do not see them as sustained enough to be the sole cause of the traits.

      1. Getting There says:

        Thank you so much, HG!

      2. StrongerWendy says:

        HG, the parenting expert 😉

        As for me, I could never last longer than five minutes with the cry it out method for all three of my kids. They will have to suffer the after effects of being over snuggled…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well I have dealt with enough children here!

      3. Getting There says:

        “Are we there (logical thinking) yet? Are we there yet?”

        “Hey look, kids, there is Big Ben and there is Parliament?” – my new phrase if I fall back into the emotional thinking. Oh wait, I have to leave it first. LOL

        In all seriousness, HG, thank you for your insight on this!

        I understand! For multiple reasons, I ended up trying multiple methods but most of the time I used the rocking to sleep and responding to every cry. The couple of times we did “cry it out” was very short lived. I also tried the chair moving one, with which I didn’t stay. I have heard so many pros and cons of each of the two (“cry it out” or “rocking”), and some with such passion, that it makes me wonder about the long term impact.

        1. windstorm says:

          Getting There
          My daughter uses a mix of the two and so far it works well. You leave them on their own crying, but if they’re still crying after 10 minutes, you go in, rub their back, pat them and speak soothingly until they get quiet ( but do not pick them up), then go out again. If they begin the crying again, you repeat every 10 minutes until it finally works.

          This system seems to work pretty well.

      4. Getting There says:

        Hello, windstorm.

        Thank you for sharing that! I will share that one with other moms who don’t read this blog.

        1. windstorm says:

          Getting There
          Have them search online for more info. She said google “sleep training”. It’s more involved than I said earlier (know how HG hates baby texts).

      5. Getting There says:

        Thank you, windstorm! I will let them know.

        Sorry, HG!

    2. MB says:

      Getting There, great question! I’m like StrongerWendy. My heart couldn’t take letting my babies cry it out. I felt cruel. If my babies need me day or night, I’m there for them. Even now.

      1. Getting There says:

        Thank you, MB!
        I understand how you felt when they were babies and how you feel now!
        I recently watched a friend look to her mom to help her while in a situation; her mom essentially rejected being there for her. I felt horrible for my friend. I cannot imagine not having a mom who is there still, even if it is just over the phone. I am blessed to have a mom who has always felt like you do. She has been a good role model for me as a mom; as I am sure you are with your children now and when they grow up and have children or care for others.

  3. Honey Bee says:

    Kel, I know you asked Felisha, but I too feel like the creature is the wounded inner child that was entombed (or thrown in the dungeon), first by the abusive caregivers and later kept there by the narcissist.

    As a child the person that became the narcissist wasn’t seen as a real person with needs and wants. You can compare it with not getting through to the narcissist, but now imagine you are a child. There is hurt, there are subconscious needs and there is rage. Mix them and you get a narcissist, who is mostly angry. Strangely enough, mix them and you also get the creature. He is hurting and he is fighting to get out.

    I have seen the inner child. I don’t think the creature is ever let out. It’s not the same.

    1. kel says:

      Thank you Honey Bee,

      I’m so curious to know when you say you’ve seen the inner child, what it was you saw. Can you describe it? It’s the whole core of narcissism so I’m very interested.

  4. lolalestrange says:

    I love the unique and articulate use of language of your compositions.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  5. kel says:

    Ugh – I meant I read Fuel already!

  6. kelly says:

    Are these really your fears, HG? It does make you rather pityful, doesn’t it? Not the sort of life most people would want, yet you say you’re proud of being a narc. An oxymoron, I fear – like a vegetarian for roast beef!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They are what narcissist’s fear most, at an unconscious level for most, of course the likelihood of such a fear manifesting varies dependent on the school, but it is these fears (and their likelihood of manifestation) which drive our behaviour.

  7. kel says:

    Since the dawn of my existence on narcsite, I have wanted to know what the heck this craven creature is. It threatens what, wants to escape to where, if it’s so horrible, why do they want to keep it, is it truth, childhood abuse, mothers voice, why is it abyss. I don’t want to explore that psychedelic mind spin, I just want it spelled out, please. HG? Anyone? Nope- stop – don’t say it – I read Fury already!!

    1. Felisha says:

      It is the crying insecure, deeply wounded little child that comes out screaming and crying and sometimes suicidal. It’s the real them beneath the mask. I’ve seen it unfortunately and all 5 of these things happened during my 2 year relationship with the narc.

      1. kel says:

        Thank you so much for answering this. Finally I know. I used to have to fend off depression and ended up realizing it was kind of like having a little child inside that would get upset over the smallest things, and I’d have to take apart what happened that day to cause it, and then I would see it was really nothing, and could then move on. If you don’t mind, can you explain what happened to your boyfriend to cause it to come out, and what were the consequences?

      2. kel says:

        In all the eight years I’ve known my boss, there was one time that I saw him kind of lose it and that was just this year, before I knew about narcissism. I’m not even sure what triggered it. He was sitting at his desk, I came in and asked him something simple, and he just went into kind of a panic attack. He was sort of like if you’re trying to suppress a sneeze, he was calmly trying to not lose it, but was in a shaking-apart tailspin. He was talking on and on, business answers, but was in a clear panic, his eyes looked scared. I moved over beside his chair not knowing whether to hold him or not. He didn’t move except for his eyes only looked over to the side at me, I didn’t know if they were saying don’t touch me or hold me. It was some sort of clear panic that he was trying to stay calm and work his way through without being noticed. In all his continuous talking (which he loves to talk anyway), he said something to do with my question that caught me, so I moved back over in front of his desk and just calmly started talking about that thing he’d just said, and in that instant it was over. He stopped shaking, his face was at rest, his curl of his smile came on, and he was normal again.

        HG, do narcissists sometimes lose it like that? Do you know what might have been happening with him?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A narcissist could conceivably behave in this manner but it is difficult to provide any meaningful observation about the incident, Kel, in isolation.

      3. kel says:

        Funny, I would’ve thought you could’ve related to my boss, losing it for a moment, shaking a little like when you’re trying to suppress a sneeze, trying to work through it, and then recovering to normal in an instant. I thought maybe it was a type of creature trying to poke out moment, the black hole burping up something through the facade moment. My boss is a greater, powerful man, plenty of nonstop fuel. I guess moments like that get brushed under the rug, repressed and forgotten.

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